Fetish Acceptance - How to do it? Something new all the time!

[LokiGal]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years this month and we've had some issues. I wouldn't necessarily call them horrible because in comparison to what my mother, sister, and various females friends have went through, it's not bad. A little bit of a back story: We met through a mutual friend and my husband is terribly shy before he develops a relationship/friendship with a person. When we got together he was 18 and I, 17. In our first 6 months I moved in with him and things were good to me. He was a virgin and I was not and he hadn't had but a girlfriend or two. I had already had a few boyfriends before that and 2 of them were pretty serious (for teenagers).

 

In our first year together I had caught him on a dating site and it was by a complete accident that I found it. He tried to deny it then fessed up and had a break down. He blamed it on sexual inexperience and curiosity, etc. I believe he never met with someone, he's too shy to do so. He has self-esteem and confidence issues and I believe them to be genuine and not an excuse. You can imagine though as an average female it caused me to wonder and doubt him. (I think it's pretty normal, forgive but not forget). And after growing up in a home and seeing your mother constantly abused emotionally and mentally I never wanted to be that way.

 

Well through out the years everything has been fine up until the last 3 or so. I caught him watching porn (yes, big surprise). I had never dealt with this thing as obviously he is the only man I've ever lived with. It was a self-esteem issue for me and embarrassing for him because he's insecure as I've stated. It bothered me because I didn't understand why he needed it. A few more times over and over I caught him and even threatened to end our relationship over it.

 

Well, that obviously didn't work but he was becoming more truthful about it. I didn't snoop or have proof but just asked and he said, "Yes, I've still been watching it." At that point, I accepted it. He's a male he wants to watch porn but he has sex with me. NO BIG DEAL. I love this man and he doesn't abuse me, treat me bad, he supports me, loves me, and we're best friends. Why lose him over something like porn? Naked ladies, mmkay. But keep in mind, it's not as if I am the ONLY woman in the world that has had the issue. Some women literally divorce their husbands over this.

 

Well, we talked it out and he thought perhaps he had an addiction/obsession towards it, ya know reverting back to being a super shy teenager and porn being his outlet. The important thing was that we were communicating so I suggested perhaps telling me about his fetishes and I would indulge him so maybe he could curb the appetite for tuning in. So here we go ya know lacy stuff, lingerie, stockings, heels, thongs, Cunnilingus etc. Ok, no problem should've said that before, no problem. I'm no prude, if anything he is a prude... that's another issue for another day but I'm satisfied.

 

Everything seemed okay, I did as he asked and he was super turned on and so on. My only stipulations for porn watching, don't do it right before sex and don't do it while I'm home. Is that really too much to ask in return of not making a big deal about it anymore? Of course, he was still watching (that's okay) but while I was home, ugh bleh. But then I found out the fetishes he told me about were not the entire truth. Here comes the BBW and the MILF fetish.

 

OK so I am not obese but yeah I could lose 20-25lbs to be at my average weight for height. (I'm comfortable with myself for the most part). But the women he was viewing were like... well morbidly obese. The women are more like GILFs (Grandma age). This is shocking ya know, and I've never once judged him for what he likes as I like the kinky side of things. Once again, here we are talking it out and it's just as uncomfortable for me as it is for him.

 

It always ends in a break through and usually a good cry that he has held in for a few months to a year. My issue is if I LITERALLY can't physically be these two specific types of women how am I to know he is satisfied? I've tried to put this into perspective for him to show him, but he never tries to understand my point-of-view on the matter. Like what if I got off on dudes with better bodies or more endowed, would it not make him feel inadequate? And not to mention, are there anymore fetishes that he's embarrassed to admit (which he has no reason to be because I have always come to accept whatever it is he likes).

 

I always settle not to argue over it because in the end, I wouldn't leave him for it. I just want to know that I am doing all I can to fulfill his needs and by lying about fetishes to begin with, is not cool especially since I would sexually cater to his every need! The only reason I turn to a forum is because I can remain anonymous, I don't want to talk to other people we know (mutual friends), about this out of respect for him.

 

TL;DR? My husband has a BBW and MILF/GILF fetish. I'm not nearly as big, like the girls he watches and a year younger than him. If I can't fulfill these two categories, is he still sexually satisfied?

[Prague12]

What is his response when you ask him if he is satisfied? The problem is if you cant give him what he needs and he becomes addicted to this type of porn then there is a risk that nothing else will satisfy him the way in which that does.

 

Maybe ask what specifically it is that he likes about the porn? For example the MILF stuff, ask him if it's actually the body etc being older or just the fantasy that she's older and it's wrong that she is being ed. If it is the latter then you can work with that, maybe do a bit of role play and talk out the fantasies, come up with a scenario where you are an older lady and start from there. Sometimes talking/describing a scenario while touching your partner can work really well. The same could be done for the BBW fantasies too.

 

Good luck with this and can I just say kudos to you for being so sexually open and accepting for the one you love. Its a difficult thing to do.

[agent1607307371]

is he still sexually satisfied?

 

Ask him.

 

 

Just a point, but a fetish is something someone generally has to have, to whatever extent. Watching porn is more in line with just fantasy, and fantasy isn't something someone necessarily wants in real life.

[Iggles]

I am not a dude, but maybe this also holds true for men too: the kind of p0rn/erotica one watches/reads doesn't always match up with what they enjoy in real life.

 

Partnered sex isn't the same as solo time, as the latter involves sexual fantasies. The former involves what your doing in the present with another person.

 

I wouldn't be happy to find out a partner was into BBW or GILF categories either! Though to be honest, I would be incredibly embarrassed if a partner saw some of the stuff I read about.. Talk to your husband and suss out if acting on any of this in real life appeals to him. You may find it doesn't. If it does, however, you need to discuss monogamy and what are deal breakers for you (example, video chat is off limits, etc).

[SpottiOtti]

I am turned on by stuff in the porn world that I would never, ever do in real life. I consider these "kinks" of mine private and I would really, really resent being forced to discuss them by my significant other.

 

Let him have his private fantasies and leave him alone! It's not your job to be everything he could ever want sexually, it's your job to be yourself and to make sure you are satisfied sexually as well. As long as you are having regular, satisfying sex, just let the guy watch his fat grandma porn and be happy. There's enough to worry about in a relationship without monitoring each other's private fantasy life.

[tattoobunnie]

I watch tons of BSDM stuff, lesbian stuff, weird wrestling stuff, and I have ZEROOOOO desire to do any of the stuff I watch. I have zero desire for the ladies.

 

I did share a bit back in a post about this. The day my husband pried out of me what I liked to watch, I was embaressed to share. He actually just replied with, I get it, it's not about what's going on, it's the fact that the person in it is not calling the shots...being that I run a few companies, it's the fantasy of an opposite situation.

 

And how did you come accross the MILF, GILF stuff - are you sure he just wasn't looking because it's so weird, you have to look kind of scenarios?

[itsallgrand]

I'm kind of with Iggles on this one.

 

Sharing and coming to agreements with each other about what is and is not ok, is good.

 

When it gets to the point though that it becomes almost like an interrogation and dissection of every single fantasy your guy has ever had or enjoyed though, you are setting it up for yourself to never be satisfied. It's not that HE can't be satisfied in the relationship, it is more about YOU not being satisfied with what he share with you of his sexual self.

 

I think everyone reserves the right to have some things that they just don't feel the need to share or explain, when it comes to fantasies. Just enjoy. It's up to their own judgment and pleasure what they want to bring into their relationship, and so long as you trust his judgment, this is perfectly ok.

 

I tend to smell a bit of insecurity on your part about all this. Surely there are some things you have thought or liked that you would choose to keep to yourself, not to share with your bf? And yet, it doesn't diminish what you feel and the desire you have for your partner.

 

The one caveat I would have is if what the person is not sharing turns out to be something you find repugnant, or unhealthy, and they know that yet hide it from you anyways.

[LokiGal]

@Prague12 - First off, thank you it's easy to do when you love someone so much. Accepting him on raw layers has been a journey and I wouldn't want to do it for anyone else, it's sacred. I've asked, he said he is satisfied which I suppose I have to believe. The only reason for the prying is that to my knowledge there were no secrets. I get half-truths though, which is not really fair when I am expected to be just as forthcoming as he is. As for the tip regarding speaking of the fantasy whilst being intimate, we have done so and it did seem to really get him going.

 

@agent - Well I am sure the MILF thing is like a fantasy thing reverting back to school days. The BBW thing, not really sure. He says he is satisfied which again I believe on some level I just feel like if I am expected to be open about myself, then there should be no double standards of half-truths.

 

@Iggles - Yes, I was considering an open relationship at some point. Only because if he wasn't satisfied I'd like for him to be able to venture to explore those possibilities. I mean I'm the only person he's ever been with sexually and it'd be wrong of me to just assume or expect him never to wonder. I just want him to be open about it because of the fact that I have been accepting of everything. Our relationship itself is just fine, it's this specific thing that is an issue. I am a good woman to him and otherwise don't pry but just want this one thing to be on the table.

 

@SpottiOtti - I understand your point and respect your opinion. There are just underlying issues regarding infidelity and not knowing what lines he'd cross if presented with the opportunity. So unfortunately when he crossed that line in the past, he agreed to being open regarding this specific subject. Our relationship is fine up to that point, I love him completely, respect him, and would do anything for him.

 

@tattoobunnie - Funny enough everything I've ever came accross regarding things about him I didn't know were found purely on accident. Here I am typing in Google and up pops things that start with G in the search history. lol. I asked, he said it was a teacher thing. All of this happened about a month ago and since then things have been fine and no arguments or being uncomfortable. I just want to understand him is all. It's not so much an interrogation thing it's just if I have been non-judgmental regarding his likes etc. why not just tell all in one discussion and get it over and done with?

 

@itsallgrand - It's not so much interrogation, when there was an agreement to be open after we went through a trust issue regarding almost infidelity. But yes, I will admit I dissect it to try to understand it and perhaps go overboard. Now don't run away with that weakness of mine as advantage for an argument against me. I have much more strengths. And yes, I don't deny the insecurity being there I even admitted it making me feel inadequate in ways. Him being a virgin at 18 and only ever being with me does cause insecurity. It's like he wants things from me but yet, doesn't want to share them at the same time. I feel like it's ridiculous to be embarrassed with your partner about how you feel sexually.

 

To all repliers: Thank you so very much for the time in reading my post and replying. I feel as if I have been heard for once. You must understand this isn't something I discuss with other people this is ALWAYS in my head with no other opinion or anything. I don't air my dirty laundry to people I know personally out of respect for him and our marriage. We do have a very healthy communication between us and certain agreements that took place in the beginning of our relationship. I understand that I appear to be this prying, naggy wife but I can assure you that I am not. Any and all things I have ever stumbled upon were strictly out of accident. It's hard not to at least ask about something when you see it right in front of you.

 

This last incident happened about a month ago and things have been fine. For the most part, I am able to put these things in the back of my mind and not let them effect our relationship. But I do know that after several searches that I am not the only woman in the world who has the same thoughts. As I said, there are women who divorce their husbands because they watch porn.

 

It's just that if I know he wants these things implemented into our sex life, then he has to be open about it. How am I to be a mind reader? So far, everything I've ever known him to watch or look at, he's wanted implemented into our sex life in one way or another. He's just extremely shy and I am not in that department. I obviously have accepted whatever. My insecurity really isn't out of my own self-image but not being able to perhaps fit his "type". And yes, you're all quite right. This is probably just something he looks at mindlessly and after it's turned off, doesn't give it another thought.

 

Also, I apologize in advance if any of my replies come off as rude or uppity because they're not. We all know the way we convey things via text can be misconstrued. I genuinely appreciate the responses and I feel that it can allow me to put the subject to rest. I'd like to push him further into the deep so that he can be as sexually satisfied as I am but I'll just lead and he'll follow at his own pace. I know I have surprised him beyond probably what he thought possible for sex but I just want to make him feel like there is no need to ever search for something else. Ya know?

 

I am only human and I can't be punished for that. If my biggest flaw is that I want to 100% satisfy my partner in every way, I think I am doing okay.

[Iggles]

I'm kind of with Iggles on this one.

 

Sharing and coming to agreements with each other about what is and is not ok, is good.

 

When it gets to the point though that it becomes almost like an interrogation and dissection of every single fantasy your guy has ever had or enjoyed though, you are setting it up for yourself to never be satisfied.

 

There's some stuff you just don't want to know, honestly. I think partners should have privacy and not feel compelled to share every little thought in their heads if they don't want to.

 

I watch tons of BSDM stuff, lesbian stuff, weird wrestling stuff, and I have ZEROOOOO desire to do any of the stuff I watch. I have zero desire for the ladies.

 

I did share a bit back in a post about this. The day my husband pried out of me what I liked to watch, I was embaressed to share.

 

Ha! I'm not brave enough to list it all out, but I will share that I used to watch gay male p0rn and I still read plenty of gay male erotica. Likewise, I have zero desire to do any of it in real life and/or act otherwise out via role play. I've always had a rich imagination and inner life, dreaming up new worlds and writing fiction. That my erotic fantasies don't necessarily cast me as the main character is par for the course.

 

Everyone is different though. For some people their sexual fantasies are acts they desire to explore in partnered sex. There is less separation between solo fantasies and real life turn ons.

[PaintWithLight]

I am not getting that you are 100% down with pleasing him.

 

I suggested perhaps telling me about his fetishes and I would indulge him so maybe he could curb the appetite for tuning in. So here we go ya know lacy stuff, lingerie, stockings, heels, thongs, Cunnilingus etc. Ok, no problem should've said that before, no problem.

 

That stuff sounds pretty vanilla and I am surprised it wasn't on the menu before.

 

I think you are going to have to continue peeling back the opinion to find out just what floats this guy's boat. This comes with the territory when you take an inexperience person as a mate. At some point, they feel that they have missed out big time on the freaky-deaky and it can be challenging to work through this.

 

Bottom line is whether you want to keep on with this process or are you more suited to a vanilla guy?