literaturelove Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 i am dating this guy who has lived a very structured military life. He is now a civilian after being SF for 10 plus years. I myself was in the military but only a few years. I have two girls, one is 5 and the other is 2. The problems is, it is clear he isnt into marriage or living together. He likes his own space, everything in its place etc. me and my girls go sleep over for the weekend. he get them anything they want. he cooks breakfast for us , everything;. he goes out of his way to please us. But its at a distance. he does have nightmares. he isnt a cuddler. i understand all this. this is his first relationship in 5 years. I need help on how to approach this. I have my friends saying he is a because he doesnt want to commit, ever. but i think that is cold hearted and out of line, given the situation and type of person he is, and what he has been through. .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gcmc1121 Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Hey literaturelove, I can't speak for your boyfriend but I'll speak from my own experience. I've recently left the military myself and despite what I want, I am very distant from everyone. Friends, family, potential dates, I keep them all at a distance even though I want people close to me. I don't know what it is but I personally find it difficult to connect to others. I think it is best to give your boyfriend time and let him ease out of the military life so he can get accustomed to civilian life again. It's not an easy transition. He probably appreciates you and your children to keep him busy more than you'd know, it gives him something to think about than being in the military during his transition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
literaturelove Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Thank you for your point of view. I feel like i need to give him this space. Even if he never comes out of it, I want to give him a chance. Civilians don't understand this, I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong but others do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gcmc1121 Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I agree with you on giving him space. I also agree with you that a lot of civilians don't really fully understand the situation he is in and what he's gone through. I know personally I take a lot of crap from my friends about being in a runt or not being open about stuff, this and that. He's lucky to have someone there to keep his mind distracted and to look after him too. Good luck with whatever decision you choose to make! I myself am going through the same thing he is, trying to decide whether or not to pursue a relationship whether or not I am ready for that closure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
literaturelove Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Well I've told him I'm here for him if he ever needs me. And I understand the distance, and his reply is I'll keep that in mind. So we will see how it goes. We aren't dating that I know of lol but won't hold that against him or set up rules and standards. Now if I'm wrong and he is playing me lol well I can't be someone I'm not id do it all again - giving him benefit of the doubt . As far what you are going through on hour end, I hope you find someone with the same views as me.otherwise you will get a woman who sets "guidelines" and "specifications" that are out the norm for your situation. Am I making sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
floridasfinest Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 The military has a funny way of damaging the love life of most who enter (just speaking from experience, as well as many of my male friends). Give it time. Those SF guys are a little different than typical military members, let alone civilians. They were trained a certain way and very proud of it. Also, after being in such a structured environment, it is hard to get used to people who do not have that type of mentality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
literaturelove Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 I would Also like to add I don't know clearly what his views are. I know by his actions when we are around, which is about twice a month, he try's. I don't know what he thinks of me. I just take the fact that I wants us to go visit as enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
literaturelove Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 @ flordia .... Yea and he doesn't say which SF he was in ... I don't ask. I'm not stupid lol i myself have been through a lot as a woman that I can't speak of but I'm different . I talk,.. Emotional ... Lol typical woman i guess.even though my friends think otherwise lol I'm closed in a sense just not as closed as him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Is he having nightmares because of post traumatic disorder? If so you should probably avoid the situation. If not you'll just have to decide if he is a good match. No one knows why he behaves the way he does or how to change it. If it is acceptable, give things a try. If not, move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
literaturelove Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Is he having nightmares because of post traumatic disorder? If so you should probably avoid the situation. If not you'll just have to decide if he is a good match. No one knows why he behaves the way he does or how to change it. If it is acceptable, give things a try. If not, move on. I'm not going to just not be in the relationship because he is struggling with PTSD! That would be pretty ty of me and show that he can't depend on me at all!! Like a person who would do that is heartless piece of ! He isn't a drug dealer that doesn't want to change. PTSD isn't just a simple problem, it becomes apart of that person. The two aren't the same! It's not voluntary like being addicted to drugs or drinking, it's involuntary . You damn right I'm staying ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
literaturelove Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 The military has a funny way of damaging the love life of most who enter (just speaking from experience, as well as many of my male friends). Give it time. Those SF guys are a little different than typical military members, let alone civilians. They were trained a certain way and very proud of it. Also, after being in such a structured environment, it is hard to get used to people who do not have that type of mentality. Your advice worked wonders thank you! I sent him message saying i understand what he is going through and why he is distant and I understand the fact that working all the time is his escape and he sent me message back " babe, thx . And text me anytime anything I'll respond as soon as I can" first time he called me babe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
literaturelove Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 I agree with you on giving him space. I also agree with you that a lot of civilians don't really fully understand the situation he is in and what he's gone through. I know personally I take a lot of crap from my friends about being in a runt or not being open about stuff, this and that. He's lucky to have someone there to keep his mind distracted and to look after him too. Good luck with whatever decision you choose to make! I myself am going through the same thing he is, trying to decide whether or not to pursue a relationship whether or not I am ready for that closure. Hey your advice is working, along with floridias advice on here. He opened up a little after I told him i understood , I'm not going anywhere even if he is distant and that I understood why he was distant, , called me babe , lol first time he has called me that. So if the girl you have is just going to bail at first signs of tough times don't bother starting the relationship bc it's not your fault and you and every good hearted honest person military or not struggling with PTSD deserves someone to have in there life that isn't afraid of the PTSD . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Just understand, if he doesn't want to commit to anything, there's nothing in the world that will make him do it, and it's even worse to force it. Enjoy life for as long as your roads are intermingled with the understanding they may part again some day and that's OK. Until then, the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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