Cheetarah Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Were you happy, or numb? Numbness is survival. When everything else is too much, shut it out and down. You shut it down and it's going to come back and bite you in the ass in the future. It keeps out the bad yes, but it keeps out the good. Is that really what you want, or does it just seem like the only option right now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christwowheels Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Cheetarah, I don't fit in with other people. Nobody really understands me. If I could get back to a place where I could just do a job quietly and in the shadows where people just let me alone and I let them alone, and then I could have it be me against the world again, it would be lonely but it would be the only way I think I can move on at this point. I don't want to commit suicide so I have to find a way to survive and this is the best I can come up with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christwowheels Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 The bottom line is I basically have no friends. There's nobody I can get ahold of on the phone to talk about what went down in therapy. I don't have anyone to talk to, no one at all. No one will take my call no one will give a rip if I live or die and as a result I have no choice but to go to my shut down spot. Nobody cares. Either I can be Chris alone against the world or Chris the dead man. I have scarcely a choice. The world is a cruel place. A very cruel place. People say they're friends and then they're not there when you need them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christwowheels Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 I have sent my ex a note about how things must change if we are to remain friends and I have deleted many contacts from my phone as well as blocked certain people. I am eliminating most people from my life, except literally a handful, exactly five people including my ex whom I have hope that I can keep in my life. Everyone else is el gonno and if things don't get better with those five, they're gone too. I am going to assert power in my life. I can just be Chris against the world and so I don't need anybody, they can take me as I am or to bleep with them. I have value, even if it isn't much. But I need to be respected if I am to be a friend. That said, maybe this journaling thing isn't the healthiest pursuit in the world. I probably sound like some freak, what with my mental state ebbing and flowing. So, I hereby close this journal of my life. It's been interesting. I went from having a relationship and thinking it would last forever to losing one to knowing that it is doubtful I will ever have one again. It's much easier to be a nobody than to be a somebody and at least you don't get hurt when you keep people away. I want to thank those of you on ENA for being here, but I have to go now. I'll check this page for two more days to keep up with a couple of you I have PM'd with but then I have to stop visiting this site. I'm going to have to find other things to do with my life than interact with people, because whether it's online or in person, it can lead to trouble... Anyway, best of luck to all of you... Chris (limping away and searching for a way to be happy like when I was collecting cans and scrap wire) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Chris, exes don't belong in your life. Having an ex in your life is almost always a bad idea. Exes should never go on a pedestal either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 It's funny...when people start choking in a restaurant, they run away from people- they want to find a quiet place to choke alone. Animals take off and find a cave or something to burrow and hide themselves away from other animals when they're dying. And humans do that when they're depressed too. Which...when we're depressed is really the last thing we should be doing...that's the time we should rally around others...but we'd rather be alone. It's not good Chris. It's not good to be alone...and I know you don't think you have value to others, but that's the sadness talking. I've had friends that were depressed...some that disappeared for a while...wouldn't talk my calls or respond to emails...and eventually, because I didn't know until later what was going on- I gave up on them thinking they didn't want to be friends...only to find out years later that they felt that they had nothing to contribute to our friendship so they released me. I'm always glad when they come back. I've had a few friends that have committed suicide. Collectively mutual friends meet after and try to figure out how they missed the signs- how did we fail that person so badly? We feel bad. Don't go off on your own. There is no benefit...it just seems like it...but it's your illness- not reality talking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 It's been almost a year...has anyone heard from Chris? Or if you ever check in Chris, have you made changes to your life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Talked to him last month. He's doing well, new job, bought a car, has made better friends. I'm happy for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 That's really great to hear I'm glad things are going well for him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Talked to him last month. He's doing well, new job, bought a car, has made better friends. I'm happy for him. Wow. He has made that big transition. I'm glad to hear it. Also that you two are able to share updates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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