How To Convince My Ex That I Won't Cheat

[kool_kid_86]

Both me and my ex (Jen) are 28. We were good friends before we dated. We dated for 6 wonderful weeks but we broke up because she was afraid I will cheat on her. Both of Jen's previous boyfriends have cheated on her. Jen was my 3rd girlfriend and I cheated on my 1st gf with my 2nd gf. My 2nd gf and I were together for 6 years and we broke up as I was unable to commit to the relationship as I was feeling guilty about cheating, and because her heart was not extremely kind. I waited a year after my 2nd gf before Jen and I dated. During Jen and my relationship, I kept on mentioning about what I did with my 2nd gf (ie - I went to this park with her) as I wanted Jen to know about every detail about my history. Jen saw this as I still have hidden feelings for my 2nd gf.

 

I don't have any feelings for any of my ex's or any other girl for that matter. Jen is the only girl I want to marry and grow old with, and I am trying to show her that. Jen is seeking a guy to settle down with and to start a family. She does not want to play around. Due to my history of cheating, and that I kept on mentioning my ex when we dated, Jen feels that it is destined that I will not remain faithful to her. I have matured significantly since my 2nd gf and I broke up, and I understand that cheating is wrong and has serious consequences.

 

Seven years after I cheated am I only now able to begin to forgive myself of my horrible and ugly past. I do want and am ready to settle down and start a family as well. I feel like everyone is capable of cheating (even if they have or have not cheated in the past). Yes, I have cheated but I have grown up and understand myself much better to know that Jen is the one I want to spend my life with. I know I will always remain faithful to Jen as I can talk about anything to Jen which is something I was never able to do with my previous ex's. As a result, even if I start to notice another girl, I will speak to Jen about this immediately so we can work it out together.

 

I understand that there is no simple and easy way to solve my issue that Jen thinks I will cheat on her. Her previous ex's cheated on her and I also cheated before, so she felt 'off' starting the relationship with me at the beginning. Furthermore, me talking about my ex shattered any confidence in me she had about me not cheating. My question is if anyone has any advice on how about I can prove to Jen that I will remain faithful to her?

[t1lersm0m1]

The only way you can show someone you won't cheat is by not cheating.

 

But if you've given her no reason to doubt you and she is afraid you will cheat because of her past, that is HER issue to work on, and nothing you do can convince her you won't cheat.

[IAmFCA]

You can't prove anything.

 

Listening to your voice, I found myself wanting to hear you say, "You know, it is possible that I could cheat on Jen." I don't trust you, not because your intentions aren't clear - your intentions are VERY clear. More because I feel like if you acknowledge it is possible, then I will know how vigilant you are about protecting what you have - or hope to have - with Jen.

 

What is threatening about cheating is that nobody goes into a commitment saying I will cheat... well some do, but you get the point. We don't want to cheat, but we do. Knowing you could talk to her about it is part of the question. I talked to my ex about it too, but it didn't solve the problem.

 

Being unfaithful gets at deep issues about intimacy, affirmation, and self esteem. THESE are the issues you will need to understand if you are to be credible about whether you will cheat. Talking to her about it doesn't change those fundamental relationship issues. Your relationship WILL bring out your greatest weaknesses and move them to the forefront. That is what happens. Prepare for it.

[SooSad33]

I agree ^^.

 

It's your gf who has the trust issue's because of her own past.

Maybe she isn't 'ready' for another relationship, yet?

 

Always be careful re: everything you say to your partner. They dont need to know everything!

Some things are better left unsaid.

[Edmund Exley]

 

But if you've given her no reason to doubt you and she is afraid you will cheat because of her past, that is HER issue to work on, and nothing you do can convince her you won't cheat.

 

This. There is a reason its called "Faithful" and it means you have been given full faith. If a partner isn't willing to give that to you based on what they've done, its like going to jail for a crime you didn't commit.

[IAmFCA]

Cheating is a mysterious force to your gf, perhaps because she doesn't understand her role in attracting relationships that led to deception/cheating/avoidance.

 

If you both study relationship dynamics, it may help show how cheating is a choice, and a likely outcome, when there are certain inputs.

 

As I often do, I recommend googling about attachment styles in relationships. Cheating is a form of intimacy avoidance. If she has been cheated on twice, she may be inviting relationships with men who avoid intimacy, which is a likely indicator that she also has challenges around intimacy. Cheating is the symptom, not the cause.

 

The way you are wanting to chase and embrace her is a natural counterpart to her reticence.

 

Please please read up.

[tattoobunnie]

You only dated for six weeks. There's a good chance you would have after some time. You've done it once, you can do it again.

 

Maybe you've grown, and learned from your mistakes, but the fact that kept bringing it up to her, it's telling her, "BUYER BEWARE."

 

Your values do not mix. I have never cheated on someone physically or emotionally, and I dislike cheaters very much.

[IAmFCA]

You only dated for six weeks. There's a good chance you would have after some time. You've done it once, you can do it again.

 

Maybe you've grown, and learned from your mistakes, but the fact that kept bringing it up to her, it's telling her, "BUYER BEWARE."

 

Your values do not mix. I have never cheated on someone physically or emotionally, and I dislike cheaters very much.

 

Life is long and sometimes challenging. While I agree with your post in general, sometimes, people falter.

 

Cheating in bf/gf relationships is silly; just end it. That sort of cheater will keep cheating.

 

I do not believe I ever again will cheat. Nor have I ever given my commitment to anyone, not since marriage. I can't, not unless I am with someone I intend to marry. I have been exclusive; that is different. Being exclusive and promising a future are two different things.

 

Cheating often goes hand in hand with committing too early, too lightly. Take your private life seriously, and commitment becomes rarely offered and rarely broken.

[IAmFCA]

Back to your key point:

 

No relationship ends well that starts with "prove"

 

Just be.

 

None of us knows the future.

[Clinton]

You two don't seem suited for each other. She's afraid of cheaters, you are a cheater. Not a good basis for a relationship

It seems you have real problems with fidelity. Id say seek counseling to determine the underlying cause. Otherwise your pattern will likely repeat. Past behaviour is a good indicator of future behavior

[Brotherhood67]

Cheating is a mysterious force to your gf, perhaps because she doesn't understand her role in attracting relationships that led to deception/cheating/avoidance.

 

If you both study relationship dynamics, it may help show how cheating is a choice, and a likely outcome, when there are certain inputs.

 

As I often do, I recommend googling about attachment styles in relationships. Cheating is a form of intimacy avoidance. If she has been cheated on twice, she may be inviting relationships with men who avoid intimacy, which is a likely indicator that she also has challenges around intimacy. Cheating is the symptom, not the cause.

 

The way you are wanting to chase and embrace her is a natural counterpart to her reticence.

 

Please please read up.

 

While I agree on this principe, I don't believe this explanation should be the "be all and end all" regarding the "why" people cheat.

People cheat because they are cheaters. Because they want to please themselves before anything else and anyone else. They don't believe in Honesty and overall believe that they "should" cheat in life because it's the only way to go.

Quite often, cheaters come from a certain éducational background - where cheating was the norm.

Now I think I have a lot more understanding about my ex on this. She came from a dysfunctional family (father cheated a lot - Mother didn't) and overall, her parents were over - protective towards her. They didn't allow her to do many things - she stood at home. I can only imaginé that in order to do some things, she HAD to lie and cheat. And this pattern continued.

 

Anyway I agree about Intimacy - she was an emotional idiot, incapable of expressing anything or explaining her feelings. And yes, a great part of this cheating came, in my opinion, from her will to find "new guys" and a blank state with someone else instead of bonding further with me..

[glorious89]

Just stop talking about your ex-girlfriend. This girl has a wall up and she will only let it down when she fully trust you. It's a new relationship, walls don't go down over night. If you think she's worth the wait, keep trying. In the long run this is 'her' issue and will happen on her timing. Just understand there is no guarantee she'll fully trust you and it'll be a relationship where you'll be walking on eggshells. Is that really something you want? For cheating being the issue, this relationship seems like it'll provoke it oppose to preventing it.

 

Good luck

[ParisPaulette]

This is where couples counseling for the both of you could really help. It's what I would recommend, because you both have serious issues around cheating and should work on getting those resolved together.

[abitbroken]

Due to my history of cheating, and that I kept on mentioning my ex when we dated, Jen feels that it is destined that I will not remain faithful to her.

 

I re-read. If the relationship was only 6 weeks long and crumbled - it is not worth going to couples counseling or chasing after your ex. The only thing you can do is go to counseling and unpack your own baggage. Its one thing to tell the new girlfriend why your last relationship broke up - you cheated early on and then afterwards you just never would commit to her and it naturally ended - the short story - than to KEEP BRINGING IT UP. You should only date someone new when you are not looking for someone's shoulder to cry on about it. It should be that you have gotten past it enough that when the two of you talk about how your prior relationships broke up, you can mention it and move on and its up to the new girlfriend whether its a dealbreaker for them or not rather than repeating the story over and over. 6 weeks is not a long time for it to come up a number of times.

 

I had a terrible marriage. My bf knew I was divorced before he met me. he met me, liked me and a few weeks later asked what had happened. I told him the brief version. He was okay with the reason for it. As we got to know eachother longer (months and months), I opened up in more detail when the situation called for it, but I did not just keep talking about it all the time.

 

Anyway - if I met a guy and he kept talking about his ex and how he cheated over and over during only a month and a half of dating - I would end it right there. He is clearly not over her or at least not over his guilt and I just don't have time to unpack that. She may have had an issue with you cheating or thought about it and thought that people learn and grow and was okay with it - but it still seems to big in your life if you kept talking about it.

 

Being fearful of someone cheating is NOT insecurity if the person indeed has cheated and keeps bringing it up. It is recognizing the dealbreaker and deciding to pass on someone. If you had never cheated - then it would be her insecurity. But this woman wants to settle down and is looking for the right one who is also ready for a relationship.

[itsallgrand]

Things you said in your post would make me leery and not want to invest full faith either. I think Jen may be on to something you just aren't seeing.

I say this because you say things like ..

 

*I believe everyone is capable of cheating, whether they have cheated or not.

I don't find that to be true at all. I find some people are more inclined to cheating, others it is not an issue at all.

 

*I know I won't cheat on Jen, cause we can talk, and I know I want to be with her. Didn't have that with my exes.

Sounds to me like you are still assigning a lot of responsibility for your own cheating on the women you cheated on, and the relationships you CHOSE to get involved in.

 

*That you stayed with someone you knew you couldn't give your heart and commitment to for 6 years, after cheating to begin that relationship.

Holy crow. You could have left that relationship way sooner. To me, it looks very bad.

 

*That you feel the need to sway Jen, and prove this to her, rather than simply letting her making up her own mind.

May be more indication that you tend to put what you want first.

 

So I'm not trying to wag my finger at you, just pointing out why she may not believe you - even if you believe yourself that you won't cheat. Sometimes people can have good enough intentions, but their patterns overrule that anyways, because it's not all about intentions ,but skills too. Mindset. And you just may not have the mindset yet to be in a faithful relationship.

[journeynow]

During Jen and my relationship, I kept on mentioning about what I did with my 2nd gf (ie - I went to this park with her) as I wanted Jen to know about every detail about my history. Jen saw this as I still have hidden feelings for my 2nd gf.

 

I don't blame Jen for feeling wary if during your six weeks together she was constantly being reminded of "2nd gf". (I imagine you used her name, not just calling her Second Girlfriend.) In a sense, 2nd gf had become a presence in your relationship with Jen, and that's not quite fair to Jen.

 

If you don't have any feelings for your ex, why do you have to keep bringing her up? Maybe you need more time single so you can share memories that don't include exes if you need to share so much detail about your past. Actually, I think this is an important issue of yours worth looking at: WHY do you need her to know EVERY detail about your & your exes history together?

[kool_kid_86]

Thank you for replying to me. Sorry it took me so long to reply as I haven't had Internet for the past few days.

 

Things you said in your post would make me leery and not want to invest full faith either. I think Jen may be on to something you just aren't seeing.

I think you are definitely right and are onto something. If you don't mind, can you help me figure out potentially what I am not seeing? Do you have any questions to ask me about my situation as I don't know where to begin.

 

I think the biggest flag for Jen is that I consistently mentioned my ex in during our relationship. I would say things like "My ex and I would walk all the time in this park". I can see why Jen thinks I am still not over my ex, but in my mind I was mentioning that because I wanted to be honest with what happened in my past. I guess I wanted to explain every part of my previous relationships to Jen so she knows I am not hiding anything. I even gave Jen access to my email, facebook, and remote login for my phone. I guess to me, a relationship means to not hide anything. For me personally, one of the biggest things I always want to know from all my girlfriends are their history and more specifically their previous boyfriends. I guess in a way I am curious, but also so I can see and learn from their mistakes and successes so I can be a better boyfriend. I guess another reason I told Jen is because I was hoping that she would also talk about her past with me as well. My previous ex didn't like me poking around her history but Jen did not mind at all - in fact she answered everything I asked. I guess I felt sort of mean by not telling her details of my previous relationship (even though she never asked) as I didn't feel like it was a fair exchange of information, so I kept on spewing out stuff about my ex.

 

*I know I won't cheat on Jen, cause we can talk, and I know I want to be with her. Didn't have that with my exes.

Sounds to me like you are still assigning a lot of responsibility for your own cheating on the women you cheated on, and the relationships you CHOSE to get involved in.

 

No, I never meant to make it sound like I am blaming my ex's for my mistake of cheating. Why do you say that (I sometimes have trouble wording my thoughts, and if you are mis-interpreting me I am sure Jen is as well)?

 

*That you stayed with someone you knew you couldn't give your heart and commitment to for 6 years, after cheating to begin that relationship.

Holy crow. You could have left that relationship way sooner. To me, it looks very bad.

 

Jen and I discussed this, but I am unsure if I have gotten my point accross. I stayed with my ex for 6 years because I really did like her during that time. Towards the end, I only realized her heart wasn't as kind as I thought, so it was only then did I stop liking her. Yes, I felt guilty and could not commit to her, but at that time I didn't think that would be the right reason to break up with her. I did not feel like it was proper for me to make her suffer because of my mistake in the past.

[kool_kid_86]

I don't blame Jen for feeling wary if during your six weeks together she was constantly being reminded of "2nd gf". (I imagine you used her name, not just calling her Second Girlfriend.) In a sense, 2nd gf had become a presence in your relationship with Jen, and that's not quite fair to Jen.

 

If you don't have any feelings for your ex, why do you have to keep bringing her up? Maybe you need more time single so you can share memories that don't include exes if you need to share so much detail about your past. Actually, I think this is an important issue of yours worth looking at: WHY do you need her to know EVERY detail about your & your exes history together?

 

Thank you for replying to me. Sorry it took me so long to reply as I haven't had Internet for the past few days.

 

Haha, yes, I did use her real name instead of 'second gf'. Yes, Jen told me that she felt like my 2nd gf was shadowing me during our entire relationship. In my mind, my 2nd gf wasn't even on my mind, but I mentioning my 2nd gf because I wanted to be honest with what happened in my past. I guess I wanted to explain every part of my previous relationships to Jen so she knows I am not hiding anything. I even gave Jen access to my email, facebook, and remote login for my phone. I guess to me, a relationship means to not hide anything. For me personally, one of the biggest things I always want to know from all my girlfriends are their history and more specifically their previous boyfriends. I guess in a way I am curious, but also so I can see and learn from their mistakes and successes so I can be a better boyfriend. I guess another reason I told Jen is because I was hoping that she would also talk about her past with me as well. My previous ex didn't like me poking around her history but Jen did not mind at all - in fact she answered everything I asked. I guess I felt sort of mean by not telling her details of my previous relationship (even though she never asked) as I didn't feel like it was a fair exchange of information, so I kept on spewing out stuff about my ex.

[journeynow]

I can't imagine how constantly hearing about an ex-girlfriend would not feel invasive and oppressive, though, especially early in a relationship.

 

In my mind, my 2nd gf wasn't even on my mind, but I mentioning my 2nd gf because...

 

^ This is contradictory. How can you mention someone if they are not on your mind?

 

Why not wait until you have established a solid and satisfying relationship with your new GF before investigating or detailing your pasts, AND wait for her ask? Don't make it an ongoing thing.

[kool_kid_86]

Now that I've thought about it, I definitely agree with you. Jen must have felt devastated every time I even mention my ex's name. I just never saw it from that point of view because I wanted to be as honest and able to discuss everything with Jen. In my previous relationships I did not feel comfortable discussing many intimate topics with my exs. Since I liked Jen a lot, I wanted to ensure that I did not repeat any previous mistakes so I wanted to make sure I did the right thing by telling Jen everything. I guess I over did it by being too honest, and I have learned now that doing what I think is right (with good intentions) does not necessarily mean it is the best thing to do.

 

I can't imagine how constantly hearing about an ex-girlfriend would not feel invasive and oppressive, though, especially early in a relationship.

 

 

 

^ This is contradictory. How can you mention someone if they are not on your mind?

 

Why not wait until you have established a solid and satisfying relationship with your new GF before investigating or detailing your pasts, AND wait for her ask? Don't make it an ongoing thing.

 

I now understand how contradicting I must sound to you and Jen when I say my 2nd gf was not on my mind even though I do keep talking about her. When I kept on mentioning my ex to Jen, I just wanted Jen to be aware of all the things I have done in the past. In Jen's mind, I think she must have seen this as I still have romantic feelings for my 2nd ex, but in true honesty I didn't.

 

I think the key here, as you mentioned previously, is why I feel the need to share my previous relationship history with Jen. I need to really dig deep within myself to understand what made me truly want to consistently share this piece of information to Jen. Hopefully over the next little while I will come to a conclusion

[abitbroken]

 

I think the biggest flag for Jen is that I consistently mentioned my ex in during our relationship. I would say things like "My ex and I would walk all the time in this park". I can see why Jen thinks I am still not over my ex, but in my mind I was mentioning that because I wanted to be honest with what happened in my past.

 

Not "hiding the past" means that you are sure to mention if you have a kid, if you gave your ex and STD, or that you were married or engaged before. Or that you had been in jail. Or your ex owns the Chuck E Cheese's and that's why you decline when your gf wants to go there - but only bringing it up when it comes up. Or that you really want to enter the priesthood and you are dating her to really make sure you don't want to get married instead. Or that you have slept with 5,000 women. That stuff is important history that lets someone decide whether they want to be in a relationship with you or not and that there are no surprises.

 

Telling a new girlfriend that you used to order a banana split without the banana when you and your ex went out for ice cream, that you passed this street or that street with you ex, etc, or discussing dates you had your ex is bizarre and TMI. That is not relationship history that's important. That's not even history. That's a minute by minute account.

 

What's next...telling her what your ex did and did not do in the bedroom? I would run for the hills if I was Jen. I had a boyfriend who would talk about his two previous girlfriends and even showed me a picture of one (!!) so i understood his past. I wouldn't have cared if it was the girlfriend he went to homecoming with in 10th grade and was dating at the time - but not adult girlfriends. He even told me that I would have really liked one of them and he was hoping maybe I would be friends someday with one of them. I ran as quickly as I could.

[IAmFCA]

One of the pleasures of finding this balance of what to share about one's past is that you, as speaker, identify what's important for your listener to know. Jen hears details about your ex and by implication, merely because you talk about those details, they are given importance. When a relationship remains fresh in our hearts, every detail is important. When we move past it, those details fade. What is really important remains. By sharing too much detail, you have given the impression that the relationship with your ex is a fresh experience for you, that it's dynamics remain unresolved, which is why the details remain top of mind for you and therefore part of your conversations with Jen.

[gdgfx]

I think you need to see this from how it looks like to everyone else

 

- You have cheated

- Jen has not cheated but HAS been cheated on

- You seem to have an distinctive worry about cheating again

- You say you have accepted your past but clearly you haven't

 

I think you can work that one out for yourself. Whether you chose to accept your past and go gung-ho and spill all doesn't change the fact that you cheated. Let's flip this around, if you were a murderer and you had been released from prison after 30 years and you went about admitting everything you did and trying to fix your ways, do you think that would make a difference to change the actual event(s) that happened? You still did the crime, you were punished for it, you aren't going to get a job in a school anytime soon or MOST jobs in the public eye that's for sure, that's regardless of whether you walked Everest with your arms tied round your back and a big sign saying 'Forgive me please!'. See, the truth hurts and the truth stays with you FOREVER and will haunt you wherever you go, and you've realised that, because it's affected this relationship but at the end of the day, you made a conscious decision to cheat in the first place, one of the worst things, if not THE worst thing you can do whilst being in a relationship; is cheat. Ask any woman, she will tell you how it makes her skin crawl, how it's disgusting and how horrible it makes her feel. And the truth is, women have to live with that. Live with the fact that the man she thought loved her was having sex with another woman, it doesn't drum up a mental picture of roses and a tranquil meadow blowing gently in the wind, does it?

 

So it's all about whether you really HAVE accepted what you have done, and what you are going to do about it. And whether you actually can be trusted, whether you can actually only be committed to one woman. Because the saying goes; once a cheat, always a cheat. And it's a saying that is smack bang right on the money, cheaters will always be cheaters, you've put yourself amongst a group of people that don't deserve relationships, just like if you were imprisoned for stealing a months worth of groceries and you shared your living quarters with a bank robber, whether you like it or not, you carry the same burden and the same guilty conscious for making that wrong decision and thus, living with it. It's upto you to remove that label you put there yourself and earn respect and trust because no worthy woman is going to want to be with a man that has cheated or is worried about cheating so it's all about starting at the bottom and working your way up, get that 1% of trust and earn the 99% YOURSELF with honesty, integrity, devotion, passion, love and commitment and if you can't do that or don't know where to start, then you know the answer to your question; cheating is like having a criminal record, once it's there it's always there whether it's written in stone or carved into the depths of your mind.

 

You need to sort yourself out, you can't prove to anyone about cheating. It's finding the woman that wants to take the risk and sees you for you and not for your past. And then if you do get that opportunity, take it it with both hands and thrive off the chance to change and change for the future and for good.

[reinventmyself]

I kept on mentioning about what I did with my 2nd gf

Furthermore, me talking about my ex shattered any confidence in me she had about me not cheating

 

You refer to talking about these infidelities a lot and it makes me a little uncomfortable. I will assume you are trying to be transparent about your past in an effort to show her you have nothing to hide.

You might consider that this is mute subject, on least on your part. The past is behind you and you have learned from it. Bringing it up over and over serves no purpose.

. . Unless she can't let it go then it's a whole 'nother story

[Monkey ai]

Personally I agree everyone's opinion on not mention too much exs during beginning relationship, but we all have the past, and you cannot void mistake , yes- she had bad experience with her ex cheat, and you have bad experience cheated your exs...

 

I have done both time to my last ex and current BF( mentioned my exs in the early relationship), but experiences are very different, my last ex want to BU with me because he felt not secure, and he end up lied things with me(bad) and a lot of dramas, try to control and manipulative. My current BF, i mentioned same about my exs, he is cool and understanding, we have the best communication that I ever have, he is not perfect, but he definitely is relationship material, we are loving and we are communicating, and we are actively try to solve the issues and moving forward.

 

Look back, I realized following, I hope it will help OP as well:

* I am not over the past, not about my feeling to my exs ( I have no romantic feeling to any of them), but I am over my bad experience , those bad experience have done some damages on me, and I need work on myself, and I need let them gone completely.

* I am freedom freak, I have been living by myself for last 15 years, I don't like been controlled, I don't like be with someone who is jealous and possessive, so I told bf that I am dating at the time, and I want see their reaction, like a test, for some is not good, it depense…

 

With it says, if I am going forward, I do agree with everyone, not mention exs too much, make sure you know what you are looking for from partner, know yourself first, if you do not feel the person is your life partner, move forward.

I am doubt your current ex is right partner for you, I know it is hard for you to see now, as you still emotional close to her, but when the right one come alone, you will know it.

 

Good luck with OP!