ktp101 Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 My boyfriend promised his ex girlfriend while they were still dating that he'd help her make a room in her grandpa's basement when he got old and needed to be taken care of. They started making it about a month ago. But ever since they started making the room, he has been talking to her more and more. She's his "best friend" on Snapchat now. I found out that he looks at her Facebook profile almost every day. Is he cheating? Or is it unresolved feelings for her? I don't know what to do in this situation. Should I call him out on it and risk losing him or let it go and hope it stops once the room is finished? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 How long ago did they break up? What was their relationship like before the basement started? What is he like when you tell him of your concerns? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weathergirl Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 My boyfriend promised his ex girlfriend while they were still dating that he'd help her make a room in her grandpa's basement when he got old and needed to be taken care of. They started making it about a month ago. But ever since they started making the room, he has been talking to her more and more. She's his "best friend" on Snapchat now. I found out that he looks at her Facebook profile almost every day. Is he cheating? Or is it unresolved feelings for her? I don't know what to do in this situation. Should I call him out on it and risk losing him or let it go and hope it stops once the room is finished? What do YOU think? What does your gut tell you? If it were me, I would "ask" him (nicely) if he still has feelings for her, and if he's been with her (had sex) or if he wants to. Watch carefully for his reaction and if he starts to stutter, turn red, looks down and/or looks uncomfortable, then the answer is YES and I would break up with him immediately. Nevermind what he "tells" you. Pay attention to his ACTIONS in how he responds to your questions...which you should ask "nicely." Don't ask him in an accusatory way, otherwise he will get defensive. What would bother me most if the best friend on snapchat thing and him looking at her Facebook profile every day. Dead giveaway that he still has feelings for her. I don't continue dating men who still have unresolved feelings for their ex's or ANY woman. And you shouldn't either. JMO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktp101 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 They broke up about four years ago. They broke up because she cheated on him and he caught her. They didn't talk at all before they started the basement. He hasn't spoken to her since about 6 months after we started dating. We've been together for three years now. When I mentioned him Snapchating her before he said that I'm being too jealous and maybe we needed a break. We worked things out but he's still doing it now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktp101 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 I don't know. I want to be able to trust him. I love him. My gut says otherwise. But I'm a pretty emotional person and I don't want to abuse him of anything if I could be wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 When I mentioned him Snapchating her before he said that I'm being too jealous and maybe we needed a break. Um, the correct answer of a reasonable person committed to their relationship and caring about how their partner feels would NOT have been this. This was emotional manipulation, designed to get you to second-guess your feelings and back off your position so he didn't have to answer for anything. This is how the correct response would have gone: "I understand why you'd feel uncomfortable. I can promise you that I don't have feelings for her. If you'd like I can limit our contact to only that which relates to the basement." Any reasonable person would understand that intense prolonged contact with an ex would make their current partner insecure, and would take steps to minimize their partner's discomfort. Another question: If she cheated on him, then why does he still feel obligated to help her? I fear that he does indeed have unresolved feelings toward her. I think you better figure out what you're going to do next, because action is required here. Good luck, and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pfbsurf Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 if he says maybe you need a break - take a break. Put all his stuff in a box and wish him luck. this a HUGE red flag and a sign that he doesn't want to put any effort in. Tell him its not about his ex but about the fact that you deserve someone who really wants to be with you. Stand up for yourself. And snapchat is silly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weathergirl Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 They broke up about four years ago. They broke up because she cheated on him and he caught her. They didn't talk at all before they started the basement. He hasn't spoken to her since about 6 months after we started dating. We've been together for three years now. When I mentioned him Snapchating her before he said that I'm being too jealous and maybe we needed a break. We worked things out but he's still doing it now. Re bold, you should have taken him up on that...why didn't you? Whenever a man says "maybe we need a break," then tell him " hey great idea!! And then YOU break up with him right then and there FOR GOOD." He said that to you because (1) he REALLY wants to break up with you, OR (2) he said it as a way to intimidate you so you would be too "scared" to confront him about anything else ever again. And yes I now think there is something going on between him and his ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 So he made a promise to an ex-girlfriend 4 or more years ago and she called him up on it a month ago!? Who really does that? Surely with so much time having moved on you wouldn't hold someone to a promise they once made whilst you were still together? Seems like an excuse on her part to make or have (more?) contact with him … and after having suggested that you take a break when you pulled him up on things, it seems he is looking for his own excuse to leave the relationship. You don't suggest taking a break if you are happily and in a stable relationship. There's definitely unfinished business between these two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Yeah I gotta say if my wife were having any sorts of goings on with an EX and her response to me was to basically get over it and we should take a break I would jump on that like white on rice. Her stuff would be on the curb that night, and the divorce lawyer paid for out of that months mortgage. Thats a deal breaker of a reponse that tells you he isnt concerned with your feelings, and hes unreasonable towards his ex. Buh-bye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Snap chat? The app that deletes all evidence of anything? Need I say more? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Just get away from him, like he said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lerenard Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 When I mentioned him Snapchating her before he said that I'm being too jealous and maybe we needed a break. Um, the correct answer of a reasonable person committed to their relationship and caring about how their partner feels would NOT have been this. This was emotional manipulation, designed to get you to second-guess your feelings and back off your position so he didn't have to answer for anything. Have to agree with that. He tried to scare you with this "maybe we should have a break" instead of answering you and taking some responsibility. No one can really know if he is cheating or not, but he is definitely crossing a big line here. And I get the fact that he "made a promise", but what about respecting YOU first? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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