Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 We have been dating for 5yrs we are both 29yrs she has a daughter who i love as my own child , but the past few weeks I feel like something is wrong I always try to communicate with her and ask if everything is ok and if she is still happy said yes why would I say that . Last week I really felt something was wrong so I asked again (ask earlier that week and she said she still loved me) she said she didn't feel the same as before and she doesnt know what she wants So I talked to her about me picking up my stuff from her house and also speaking to her daughter about what was happening she said she didn't want that for me not to leave . I went over Friday stayed till Tuesday and she acted like nothin happened went to baseball game/movies/dinner etc I mean everything..But every time I bring up what she said she try's to avoid it or says she doesn't know what she wants to do. I'm really confused it have never been through this before , I don't understand how u don't know if u want to be with me but don't want me to leave this is a weird situation and I'd rather her just be honest with me and if we break up so be it .her and her daughter mean the world to me but I can't be in this limbo.how can u date someone for 5yrs and not know what u want ???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 she said she didn't feel the same as before and she didn't know if we should be together. This says it all. There's your answer. When someone tells you they no longer feel the same then the writing is on the wall. In essence, they are saying they are no longer into you and the relationship. It's a way of "letting you down easy". Looks like it's time for a serious talk where you both lay your cards on the table and discuss exactly where this relationship is heading. No messing around. Just the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 I tired that this weekend but she said she dint know what would be best . I wanted to just get my stuff and leave but she didn't want that either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 Not that we shouldn't be together she doesn't know what she wants to do . Which I don't get after 5yrs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I tired that this weekend but she said she dint know what would be best . I wanted to just get my stuff and leave but she didn't want that either. In that case it then looks like she's staying with you for security only and doesn't want to lose that at this point in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 Well as much as I lover her I can't deal with that and it's not fair to me. I was thinking Friday when I go by just tell her that I was leaving and when she figures things out if she still wants me and I want back also then great but if not then so be it. Oh she wants me to stay the weekend and go to dinner with her she is making this worse. I have had long relationships one even longer (8yrs)then this and I even thought I didn't want her at one time and I told her and we split for a week or two but I realized I made a mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Perhaps after 5 years of dating your gf would like to have more serious commitment-engagement, marriage. If this is not on the table of discussion, she might feel like she's wasting her time: 29 y.o is an age when one turns the page of early adulthood and enters maturity. A woman with poor comm. skills and fearfull to come accross as pushy and needy would rather say what your gf said, than lay down the real deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 We have talked about marriage and kids she has a daughter her dad hasn't really been around and she was little when I met her and she loves me like I am her father she even asked me if she could call me dad (didn't know what to say) it's just really hard. We both have good jobs I have a house we just got back from 10day vacation to miami and D.R. That I did for her because she wanted it and I find out that the whole time she is debating what to so even on the vacation .i just don't understand I have asked her so so many times are we ok? Do u still love me ? And when a person tells u yes and that nothing is wrong and 4days before she said she was confused we talked about getting married I asked her if she want to and she said yes but 4days later she says she doesn't know what she wants?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I'd suggest give her space, do not call as much, do not insist for answers. If she doesn't reach to you in a month or so, then walk away, not now it is early. I know it's hard to wait around like that for a month, but you invested 5 years, so don't throw the towel just yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 I don't want to throw in the towel and I doubt when I go by Friday she will have an answer since this just happened last weeks Figure give her a few days to think on it but even then I think she won't know or this whole time when I told her we should just split , she said maybe it's not the right thing but she may be saying to not hurt me but I told her to be honest with me and if u don't want this relationship an more then I understand . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 I mean we all fall in and out of love I have also before it actually Happened with her but then I realize that I love her and I wanted to be with her but when that happened I was honest with her and I told her that I wasn't sure if I want to be with her anymore and I left for a while she doesn't want me to leave though she wants me to still be around her she isn't acting like a person who is ready to end this relationship when I talked about leaving she didn't like it she was about to cry if she would just tell me look I'm a little confused but let's see where this goes and try to work it out I would be okay with that I just don't know what she really wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Being in a relationship with someone that "doesn't know what they want" is a dangerous game. Say you work this out, get married and in a few years she once again doesn't know what she wants. After 5 years it sounds you are going down a path she doesn't want to follow. I wonder if this started coming up after marriage talk started. Do you feel like you are responsible for her happiness? Is she generally a happy person? Does she have a lot of friends? Does she have interests away from you? Do you see her as a selfish person? There is more to this than what you are seeing. Can you be sure there isn't some guy chatting her up? Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 I have asked her if there was someone else to just let me know and if she meet someone else that do what makes you happy she keeps telling me no she hasn't met anyone . She keeps acting like nothing is happing she doesn't really want to talk about she keeps saying she doesn't know what to do so I haven't talked about what it give her but I don't know how long I should give her.no she really doesn't have any friends she is very private person doesn't like telling anyone her problems only has 2friends but doesn't go out a lot.i have given her every. Opportunity to end this and also said I was going to end it but she said no that she didn't know if she want that either .so????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 We have talked about marriage every so often we were just waiting for my divorce to be up but when we talked about it she said she does what to marry me she would even send me a photo of the kinda ring she wants every few months to remind me and a few hours before I told her I thought something was wrong I asked her again if she still wanted to get married like we talked about and she said yes . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 She's either tired of waiting for you to officially pop the question (5 years is a long time) or she is mentally checked out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 I think one of the problems was for the last 1yr I mostly see them on the weekend because of my business and since she has a daughter we don't really get a lot of privacy we maybe get a few hrs a week alone together even to be intimate we only had one night a week maybe or a few hrs .she wants me to stay the weekend and we decide to go to dinner Saturday and she texted me that she was going to get all dressed up and nice which is great but I'm not sure what she wants I'm hoping we can work this out . And I'm sure me not being there or us not seeing each other as often as we did has something to do with this any ideas anyone ???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 We have talked about marriage every so often we were just waiting for my divorce to be up but when we talked about it she said she does what to marry me she would even send me a photo of the kinda ring she wants every few months to remind me and a few hours before I told her I thought something was wrong I asked her again if she still wanted to get married like we talked about and she said yes . Excuse me if you already answered this question - I skimmed - but how long before you were divorced did you start seeing eachother? Often relationships that are in full swing before the other person is even divorced don't survive or there is some rockiness when it comes down to brass tacks. I mean, people who are a little afraid of commitment tend to be attracted to people who are married or otherwise can't really commit to them, and then when the other person actually can - its a little scary. Also, you know she wants the ring, but what are her views about the sanctity of marriage how you both view the cthe commitment of marriage , being that you were not respectful of yourse by letting it end before getting involved. As far as not having much privacy when her daughter is around - well, welcome to parenthood. If you marry her and then live with her, you are not going to be able to swing from the ceiling. Most of the time, the daughter will be there and you have to plan sex carefully when she is at school, when she is with her father, etc, etc, and get a babysitter sometimes too. If you can't really stand that - then you have to reconsider marrying someone with a child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjkk Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 So when she says she isn't sure what she wants to do, what does that mean? It sounds like she's telling you she wants to stay in a relationship w/ you and is still open to marrying you. So that's confusing to me? It doesn't help your situation that she isn't an open person. As far as the private time, what about scheduling a special date night each week? Get a babysitter for her daughter and the two of you go out and have fun together, rekindle the spark. I think it's common for people in long term relationships to have moments of doubt or questioning things and if they're committed to each other and ride it out, things can move on nicely. I don't think expressing some doubt is reason to end it w/ her. An example...my parents have been married for 45 years. I remember about 15 years ago my mom told me she and my dad were considering getting divorced about 5 years prior to that. I don't know why or what was going on but she say they were both SO glad they didn't do it and worked through whatever it was (I remember in general it was a stressful time for them but I don't know specifics). I can't totally speak from personal experience but I think it's normal to have moments when you feel more in love, times when you're less in love, times when you have "what ifs"and doubts, times when you're closer, times when you're more distant, etc. If you have a solid foundation of love, respect, and commitment you can work w/ each other to ride out these times and know that they'll most likely pass. Perhaps this is just a time like this, a passing phase in a normal human relationship. It's not realistic to always be perfect. If she knows she still loves you and wants to be w/ you, stick around and see if this doubt passes (w/in reason, I'm not suggesting you hang around for years only to be jerked around). Best of luck! Have a great time on your date this weekend and give us an update. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 The reason I stayed married was because my wife was here on a visa and if we got divorced we were worried she would lose her papers so we agreed to stay married to each other until we could but I never disrespect her or sleep around with any woman while with her after we separated then I met my girlfriend .and I am used to being around her daughter and love her I'm just saying that maybe because I used to stay with them 7days a week and when my brother moved out of my house I only started staying on the weekends. I'm not complain about not have much privacy I love kids and I will love the day I have one . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 Thank you I will yea she talks to me but sometimes I think she keeps in her feelings not just about me but other things. She does talk to me about problems and things about her daughter she just isn't as open as me. I tell her everything I don't really have friends my father always said men shouldn't hang around other men so it kinda stuck with me I don't like hanging out with group of guys I only consider my brothers/ her brother my only friends . She called me and asked if we are going to our favorite restaurant and that she was going to get a nice dress and get her hair done so I hope she wants to fix this . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 The reason I stayed married was because my wife was here on a visa and if we got divorced we were worried she would lose her papers so we agreed to stay married to each other until we could but I never disrespect her or sleep around with any woman while with her after we separated then I met my girlfriend Can you clarify this please? Are you still married, but only separated and NOT divorced yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Can you clarify this please? Are you still married, but only separated and NOT divorced yet? How do you respect marriage if you married a woman so she could get a VISA, or if you married for love, not honoring your vows and treating her like she just married you for the VISA, so you are free to date your girlfriend because the marriage wasn't valid in your eyes? I would be hesitant to commit to you if I was your girlfriend wondering how you would regard our marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 I never said I.married for her papers we thought we were in love it didn't work out so we decide to hold off the divorce I did it to help her I could of been an ass hole and just asked for the divorce but I care to much about her parents and for her. Yes we are divorced. And when I met my girlfriend I explain everything before we got serious I don't shy away from what needs to be said. I don't get what you mean about regard to our marriage?? You know sometimes it doesn't work out but that doesn't mean I have to treat my exwife like garbage I didn't cheat on her we decide it would be better to split and hold off the divorce alot of people do that for other reasons go ask your accountant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whodat5556 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 Last night we went bowling them went back to her place and u know ... Plus this weekend we are going to dinner I even booked a hotel in the city with a view or the river order champagne and strawberrys. I feel like she doesn't want to end this but still don't want to get my hopes up yet and I don't know if I'm doing to much and she wants to go to dinner and the hotel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I think you need to propose. I can't imagine waiting 5 years for someone who talks about getting married...says things like "do you still want to get married"...and doesn't pop the question. I would be planning my departure too. Don't be all talk and no action. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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