Help :/

[gdgfx]

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times before about my troubles.

Let me allow myself to explain without going into too much detail *sarcasm*

 

A little bit about myself that I hope you can take into consideration when you are reading my text (not that I want phrase or sorrow or attention or to justify anything).

I'm 23 years old, from the UK. I'm adopted. I've had family issues my whole life pretty much. My family (adopted) ie my mum and dad have never had the mentality and emotional capacity to love us (me and my younger brother) like we were their own. My mother can't have kids, she has tried several times before I was born and bless her, her daughter lived to be 2 months old and then died suddenly. So I have an emotionally scared mother and a father that is normal yet has always wanted a child of his own. And I understand that I'll never be his real son and that, in more ways than one, I can't replace that. And I think that's what they were looking for. I was always getting in trouble with police, I rebelled against a strict emotionally damaged mother and took advantage of a softer more relaxed father as a child. Had a conviction sheet that spanned a good few pages, criminal damage, arson, ABH, GBH, drug offenses. Anyway, I've lived with that and dealt with that my whole life and it still plays with me every now and then whenever I feel a little weak and defeated, we all get like it sometimes, I'm under no illusions; I'm human, I have feelings, I'am going to feel sh*t sometimes. I messed up my education from high school through to college. I got no qualifications in high school, I was excluded from one and got a chance to attend another for the last two years of high school. I wasn't a dumb kid, I was in the highest sets for English, Geography, Science and IT but I never applied my intelligence instead I kicked about with all the potheads and people I thought I had an affinity too. I met certain people who became good friends and I slowly drifted off from there, people who let's face it were never going to get ANY qualifications because they didn't have the intelligence. I did. But I messed up. College... I did the same with college. Was given the chance to goto college but start at the bottom, so basically anyone in the UK will know what a BTEC Entry level college course entails, it's basic stuff, that requires no qualifications. I did well for the first months and hey presto, met another pothead (I had smoked weed from being around 12 years old excessively going through from anywhere from £10/$20 to £20/$40 every day or so, funded by my dad who was obviously not aware) and things went downhill AGAIN. I stopped going to college pretty much and hanged around with him and his family and friends. Now the difference with this guy is he had a big following, he wasn't clever but he had friends and everyone was worldly, confident and very respected. I thought gaining prominence in a community (which effectively it was, we were all metal heads but lived locally within a 5 mile radius of each other) and we all knew each other. I'd get more waves than I ever do now, more people shouting my name but.. hang on a second.. I messed up college, I managed to get through the first year just about, I passed with a distinction. IT has always been second nature to me, touchtyping at 10, programming at 15, running my families NAS and computers and my dad's business computers as well as doing freelance web design for a few people, I never made that much money but come on.. I was 16 going on 17. After that, I went down-hill from there.

 

After the awe and happiness and delirium of being a very socially outgoing and confident young guy, I had an argument with one of the guys over a Sony PSP. I'm not going to lie, I sold it and bought some weed with it and thought I'd get away with it. So in a nutshell, was ousted from the 'gang' and I fleed (scared at the time of some of the more 'fearful' members of ex-friends I knew at the time, more drug induced psychosis and paranoia more than anything else and immaturity as I was only 17 and they were in their mid-twenites) to a nearby town. There I went about trying to set up a new life for myself, at 17, decided by then to move out of a family home that gave me everything but genuine love and paid the price. My father paid the security deposit and rent but the place was HORRIBLE. Maintained by a dodgy agency that told me I could grow weed and no-one would know, just goes to show how much they cared about the place. It didn't go well as you can imagine, it finally hit home that I had made the worst decision of my life so far. I not only messed up my education, I'd messed up my family life which at times was good but I have a younger brother with severe aspergus and schizophrenia and so his will to tip the balance of a friendly home had a serious effect on me and my parents, it was hard to cope. I had no qualifications and now, no friends. In a town I didn't want to live in. I got seriously depressed. Contemplated suicide a few times. Fast forward a few years. I was in homeless hostels, bed & breakfast's, sofa surfing, out on the streets. My heart has been broken through all the torment and frustration and all the nasty people I've met. And weirdly enough all the friends I decided to make in high school and college were ALL potheads and well, as soon as the weed run dry and we got older, I started to realise that these people weren't really my friends. I'm a caring loving guy, I've made my fair share of mistakes. I've nearly been sent to prison, paid hundreds of pounds worth of fines, seen jail cells more times than a lot of people I know, seen the bad side to society ie the drugs, the wrong sort of people, the street life so to speak and I was never ever brought up like that. My mother owned a Jaguar and my dad two cars of his own and a thousand pounds in his wallet the best of times if his business was doing well, it differed depending on clients obviously. Having not spoke to my parents now for 2 years and failed attempts at speaking to an immature and very arrogant biological family, all with some form of mental illness whether its depression or worse, my family have all but left me. I've had to deal with being my own man since I was a young boy. I guess I've been crying out to be loved and cared for really.

 

 

So I've been a drug addict, although not a heavy addict on drugs that are absolutely disgusting and life destroying like heroin and crack cocaine, my tipple was more the liking of party drugs like MDMA, amphetamines, magic mushrooms and the basics like weed. I've been a criminal although I'm no murderer or rapist or serious criminal, I've nearly been sent to prison, I've done community service with people released on license who have been charged with serious offenses and there's me, a kid amongst criminal men, I've been homeless and seen the life it is, it's horrible. I've been broke, to the point of stealing from local supermarkets, I've been past the point of unhealthy body weight, malnourished and badly looked after (my own doing. Now, I'm drug free. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I'm not homeless, I've been pretty much stable in terms of those milestones reached for a number of years. I've been bodybuilding now for nearly 3 years and also have begun powerlifting, I weigh around 190lbs from a previous 125lbs. I'm clean, strong, well groomed and looking better if you ask me. If you've read so far then I respect you, thanks for reading in so much detail about me and my past, now I hope you can understand why I wrote all that as I explain my current situation...

 

3 years ago..

Met a woman online on a social networking site I'd thought I'd try out. After a few months our conversations grew, we took our friendship to a more private means of communication (instant messaging on your Android, Kik to be exact). After a few months after that she started talking to me more and more, putting more kisses at the ends of her messages for example, sending pictures of her everyday and videos of family marriages and funny memes (in no order of importance). A few months after that she confessed that she had fallen in love with me, I didn't know at the time until she told me. From then on, she had a wild passion for me, always talking to me, sending me amazing messages about how grateful she was to have me in her life and sending little e-stickers on this site we still used (or I did but briefly, she still continued to use it having been on there for 4 years prior to me), all these beautiful messages. A while after that she really wanted to talk with me over the phone seeing as she hadn't done already but I was nervous as hell, she is beautiful and amazing in every meaning of those words. But I agreed. We talked and it felt amazing and like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders seeing as she was now real, a voice I had heard, pictures I had seen, all the conversations we had exchanged.

 

Shortly after.. I went into meltdown mode and suddenly became very possessive and controlling. Having gone from not being in love and then suddenly having this incredible woman in my life had a huge impact on me both positively and, negatively. I said some horrible stuff, did some horrible things, I know what I've done but I'm not going to say because I know and she knows and it's not going to allow you to judge, only help me. I'm not asking to be a called a d*ck or a silly f*ck or whatever, because hey, I know I'am all of those things! Or were! Believe me, I've been there! That's why I'm writing this stuff! Anyway, I had sex on my mind. To be honest, I just wanted to have sex with her so badly. From being a guy that's never really been in love and had a very one-track mind, having friends that have been in and out of relationships and only a few that are now married and even then, some of them separated (with children may I add). I always got brought up to believe it's okay to think about sex and clearly this had an impact on not thinking straight. So I hurt her. In return she got upset. I had basically the impression that women were not to be respected.

 

And fast forward a little more..

We decided to take a break. Enough was enough. You'd think with all the drama I've been through and all the negativity of the situation that this would be over. Well it isn't. I've spoken to her and broken no contact a few times, out of desperation and reassurance more than anything and she's promised that she will come back as long as I change. I'm absolutely over the moon that I've had a chance to look at myself and evaluate everything and finally be able to fix myself. That being said, it's been around 4 months since we have agreed to talk. And when I have messaged her it's been for a matter of minutes, 10 at the most. No over indulgent conversation. She said I need to trust her, and that by not allowing this it just shows that I don't trust her.. But can you see why? After everything I've been through, I'm scared as sh*t that she will pull a fast one like my family has and all those friends I classed as friends. They are nowhere! The last time I saw a guy I used to best friends with was exactly 7 years ago when I decided to get the hell out of the flat I had rented. I'm scared to lose her, it's the biggest insecurity I have.

 

But now I realise all my mistakes. I realise that I've become a very insecure and dependent person. Someone great came around and I chose to cling onto them. I used all the rage and bitterness I had deep inside me from all the years of hardship and I unleashed it all on her. It's horrible isn't it but I KNOW what I've done, that's not why I'am here. I know that I've been foolish and that I'm so lucky to of been given a chance with this woman, she knows my situation, understands me and partly why she fell in love with me was because what I had been through but the person I had become because of it is what attracted her to me somewhat, she said. That's incredible. I've never been someone who's wanted to be a criminal, or a bad son, or a failure. I chose wrong paths. That's my doing. And I'm going to fix it. So we have a break for a year, and it's all starting to make sense. I'm an idiot, I get it.

 

So my question is. How do I get her out of my head? I keep visiting her Twitter profile. We agreed to mutually block each other on Facebook so we weren't tempted to message each other. After 2 weeks in our previous break, she broke contact and sent me dozens of texts saying she couldn't do it, she was worried she would lose me and she wants to be back together although she's not happy to admit that she did. This time she's more stronger, she's committed to sorting her life out. She's an amazing woman but she hasn't had it easy either. She has a thyroid disease that stops her body from breaking down energy and so it's most likely stored as fat. So she has trouble losing weight. Not only that but she has been diagnosed with having inactive AHUS, Google it. It's horrible! It's a disease that can kill instantly at any given moment, luckily it's inactive but it can be triggered. I hate thinking about it. Pregnancy, stress etc. And then recently when I chatted to her, she mentioned having anti-body issues in her body where basically her body doesn't help to maintain a healthy immune system like a normal immune system. On top of that she's lost family over the last year or two, as well as a few friends she thought were genuine, she walked out of one job and kept the other, she's very much a family orientated woman and so she spends as much time with family as she can. She donates blood yet nearly passed out the last time she did. She's an incredible woman. An inspiration to me anyway. I wish other women could be so strong and forgiving yet determined and confident like she is, but she also has emotional issues. She's either very emotionally attached or not attached at all. She will get upset over nothing. Or not get upset at all. It's either full bore or none at all. And so I had issues understanding her at times and she's go off in a mood sometimes because I reacted badly.

 

Where do I go from here? She's my princess. She's amazing. She's everything to me. And even though I've done a number on her, I never ever meant to. I was blind and frustrated and lost. And now I'm beginning to find myself and seeing life more clearly and I'm a lot more stable than I've ever been. But... how do I take this break and move on? I mean, I just can't help but to see whether her Twitter profile pic has changed, and see her laughing and smiling with her family, she her posting her witty little tweets and seeing her happy spamming whatever her best friend says all over Twitter like a married couple in their own right. I respect the hell outta her. She's my life and slowly made me see myself. She's a real woman. She's amazing..

 

But. I'm stuck. I don't where to turn. I can't deactivate the internet because well, I use it like anyone else does. If I blocked Twitter with some clever parenting app I'd probably disable it and uninstall it. I know I can create Facebook accounts and message her whenever I want but that annoys me and hurts me because I feel like I'm breaking her trust every time I think about making contact. I can't switch it all of because I use it for work, for friends, for family. It's so frustrating! What should I do?

[Capricorn3]

* How long were you two together?

 

* How long since the break up?

 

* Is the relationship officially ended, or are you just on a break?

[gdgfx]

Hey Capricorn3,

We've known each other three years, or it will be this September. And out of those three years we have been together 2 years but we did the whole online dating sort of thing where we spent a year getting to know each other without much physical contact apart from at the end of the first year when I spoke to her on the phone and met her. We also skyped and exchanged texted but never rushed into meeting so we took it slow, making sure everything was okay.

 

It's been 4 months since the breakup.

 

And the relationship hasn't ended. We've both talked and we both love each other. We kinda came along in each others lives when none of us had the love we have together. I was lonely and she was lovely and we sorta fixed each other, we just bonded to each other in order to help and protect and care for each other and because we didn't rush into anything, we were friends before anything else and spent months and months and months talking. We've never engaged in sexual activity, we've never rushed, I used to see her maybe once a week when we were together but there is so much love between us and passion and fire.

[mhowe]

Well having read all this explains a lot. Best of luck.