Feeling doubts about my decision...

[Doubtful]

Hi everyone, I've been reading through a ton of the posts in this particular section and even though I believe I can relate to almost every one of the posts I just have to get opinions on my personal experience. I was with an older man for 3 1/2 years strictly online and long distance and almost 2 months ago I left him due to just becoming sick of the treatment. I consider myself quite a level-headed person and I always was the one to want to talk about any issues that would come up whereas he was much more volatile and prone to screaming and yelling. I'll admit that BEFORE I ever met him that I made mistakes, I had never had a boyfriend before but did do some cyber things with people online. The cyber stuff lasted 3 months before I stopped due to realizing I wasn't proud of my actions and have learned my lessons from that experience. After that, I met this man on a friend-cam site that a friend of mine told me about and she just wanted me to go on to see how many people would try and talk to me, I wasn't on there to make the mistakes I made before. For about 2 months I noticed a particular name coming in all of the time and once he and I got together he admitted to basically stalking me for two months before actually trying to talk to me. Then went on to give me tons of compliments and all that jazz.

 

We had some problems in the very beginning of the relationship but I'd rather get opinions on the most recent issues. Last year I left him because I saw that he had been leaving comments on girls' pictures, which wouldn't be a big deal if they were normal comments. These were on pictures where the girl was in a bikini laying down or in a bra and underwear on her knees and running her fingers through her hair where he left the comment "asdfghjkl;'" and some close ups of her face where he told her how beautiful her eyes were (they were blue, mine are brown and then he liked a ton of other provocative pictures one where she's wearing a referee shirt and short shorts with her butt to the camera. I got compliments only after his huge blowups or once every 4-6 months I would get a compliment, I also have some scars on my legs and he told me once that other guys probably would think they were gross but that he didn't, he said he thought they were unique. He was also still friends with one of his exes who is still obsessed with him even though she has a fiance (so he claimed) and would tell me that she was asking him to lunch and things but he would say no. I'm starting to second guess whether or not I should have been so sad over these things based on most people saying that "all guys do these things, even if they truly love a girl". There were other girls he would leave comments to as well, another one was of a girl on the beach showing her butt to the camera. I on the other hand was not allowed to go on Facebook, after I took him back two days after I left him he told me he never said I couldn't but that he would leave if he saw any comments from ANY guy, even friends of mine and even if they were from before I met him. We also had shared interest in video games and would both go on a gaming site and watch people play games. The people I would watch were purely based on how funny they were or if they did speedruns of games I loved as a kid. Before the pictures incident I told my mom that I had a funny feeling something was going on behind my back, but since I was in school still, I tried my best to just focus on that. One day however, I stumbled into a channel I had no idea he was a moderator in and I'll admit it wasn't nice of me to keep watching purely to see what he said but I just had a bad feeling. A woman worked at the place the man he moderated for streamed from and every time she walked by guys would talk about how hot and sexy she was including him. Then another moderator came in who was a female and messaged him flirty things in chat and sent him hearts which he returned and one day she asked to come into a private server to talk to her and he did without even hesitating I was on skype with him the whole time but he was muted and every now and then he would un-mute to ask what I was doing. I let all of this go and the next day I went into the girl that flirted with him and asked to talk to him's channel and the second he woke up, instead of saying good morning to me after I typed it to him in skype, he went into he channel instead to say good morning to her and she screamed his name and started acting cute and all that. I felt like garbage. It was about a week later that I accidentally came accross people he was following on the gaming site and there were ex-pornstars who now streamed games and I don't mean to sound judgemental but they were wearing very revealing shirts and short-shorts and would talk about sex with their chats and everything. One of them was actually a cam girl and when a guy would donate money to her on the gaming site she would get off to go on the actual sex-cam site to give a private show. When I had watched enough and felt like I had enough to ask him about I did, I tried to do it in the most non-accusatory way possible but he blew up. He got mad that I was spying on him, forget the fact that he would FREQUENTLY remind me that he could watch everything I was doing and everyone I was talking to (I never talked to anyone but him and my family) I wasn't even allowed an account on this gaming site and when I asked if I could put a picture I drew of the two of us on a different site that he would occasionally buy games for me on for my birthday he told me "no", and "why would I want to" that I'm "not on there to make friends, it's just for if he gets a game for me". I also had to change my number so that he knew no one else would be calling me that I used to talk to besides family yet he still would ask me who was calling if he heard my phone ring (always my mom or a telemarketer).

 

He left after I tried talking to him about everything, then that night he turned on his own game stream and was talking to the girl whose channel he went into that morning instead of talking to me and was making crude comments to her and she returning them, after about 15 mins he turned off the stream and I couldn't sleep at all. Two days later he texted and called me accusing me of talking to someone else while I was with him and I wasn't. I told him I didn't and he knows it. This went on for 3 hours until he called me and almost started crying and after I took him back he told me that he had to "take care of something" turned out that something was the girl he was trying to make me jealous with the night before. After all this he would constantly accuse me of cheating, yell at me for hours only to after get completely calm and talk about why I "feel that way". He would accuse me of doing sexual things without him (which I wasn't allowed to do) and we would only do things in one to two week increments, sometimes longer if he wanted me to wait longer since he thought it made it "better for me". More recently what made me think he may have been abusive was when I went to go watch a makeup artist do makeup on a bride and maid of honor, when I came home he started questioning me and I didn't know the name of the hotel and he flipped out and started screaming and I was surprised his mom didn't hear him or the neighbors didn't hear him. I honestly didn't know the hotel name though and was crying while he called me a liar and a s**t and tons of other terrible things, I then started looking for the hotel name online and then he just got off skype and deleted me. I ended up finding the name and even tried calling my mom to see if she remembered the name but she wouldn't answer her phone; so I called him and told him and then got mad because I didn't pay attention to surroundings and yelling at me for still crying and to shut up, that if I didn't stop crying that he would leave me because I was annoying. Then he was suddenly nice once he believed me and talked to me for an hour about how I need to pay attention to things etc.

 

I had to go to the dentist to get a cavity filled in 3 days before I left him and told him the exact day and time I would have to go 2 weeks before the actual appointment so that he wouldn't think I was doing anything because even if I was just at the store with my mom he would call me every time and ask me where I was and who I was with and then after hanging up would text me things like "have fun with your boyfriend" but I wouldn't get mad because I was so used to it and really, I didn't even mind I would just say he was wrong and that I would call him when I get home. The day I went to the dentist I told him on skype that I was leaving and what time I would be back and still had him calling me in the waiting room while I was with my mom and asking where I was. I told him where I was and that I left it on skype as well and he got snippy and said "well I wouldn't know since I'm working, why didn't you text me it?" and I said I did, 2 weeks ago. Plus I never liked texting him at work since he just started at this food place and would only text while he was at work if he texted first, so maybe it was my fault, but then when the dental assistant called a person to go into the back he said that it didn't sound like I was at a dentist office. I couldn't believe it. Then 3 days later I went to decide what to eat with my family about an hour after he got home and even before that we were joking around and having fun on the phone when he called me after he got off work and saying he loves me and everything. An hour later he started playing a video game and I heard my mom call me so I said I'd be right back an he said okay. It took 40 mins to decide what to eat since everyone was going between pizza and Olive Garden and my phone was just sitting on my pillow in my room so I didn't have it with me and when I went back in my room skype was off and I check my phone to see 2 missed calls and 3 texts saying "what are you doing?" "not going to answer huh?" "bye". I called him and told him exactly what I was doing and what we ended up deciding on to eat and he got mad and said he was sick of my lying and I should have told him I was deciding what to eat and I said I didn't even have my phone on me in the living room when I was deciding with my mom and that that was why I didn't see him calling and he said "I know" and then kept saying I should have brought my phone with me but I really didn't think it would be a big deal and maybe that one was my fault I don't know...but then he said "whatever" and hung up on me, then something in me just broke and I started bawling, my mom heard and came in and I told her what happened and she said I should just leave him and that I should have left him forever ago because he is abusive and still living with his mom and just now got a job and couldn't keep any of the others he had for more than three months over the 3 1/2 years he was with me. So I typed to him on skype that I was irritated and that our relationship is not the best due to the trust issues and all of the screaming and yelling, I also told him that I felt if I went to live with him up there that if I went to college and accused me of things I would NEVER do to him that he wouldn't believe me and hit me. He even told me that if I went to college and he found anything out that he would find him and bury the both of us. But I swore I would never cheat! I hate that sort of thing and that if I wanted to be with someone else I would just tell him and leave. I wished him the best and told him I didn't want this and that I love him with all of my being but that I can't take the accusations and double standards, it just got to be too much. Then he called me back on skype and started screaming how he knew I was cheating on him and that I was a lying b**ch and everything else then started reading everything I wrote and said he was glad it was over but then said "you don't think I want to be with you?" and then got quiet and I could hear him clicking a bunch and asked what he was doing and he said he was making sure he still had my address because he was going to come find me, that I was worth going to jail for, then he stopped and said never mind he'll just find another girl and then changed his mind again and said no no, you're worth it. Then he sounded close to tears and deleted me from skype then texted me and said as long as I left him alone that I wouldn't hear from him ever again and a couple of other texts one saying he doesn't care what I do just leave him alone. I feel horrible and the worst part is that I still want him back so badly, I feel like I made a big mistake and that maybe I caused him to feel these feelings and be so jealous, possessive and insecure, That maybe I'm making it sound worse than it was...I just don't know...my family says yes he was extremely abusive and would have beat me if I went to live with him like we planned and I just started an acting class for myself and the teacher told me he was abusive as well. I guess i just need some more opinions because I still feel like it's my fault

 

Thank you whoever reads this whole thing, I'm sorry it's so long. If you'd like more information then just ask because many more things happened but I wanted to keep it as short as possible. Also if someone could post some signs of emotionally abusive behavior I would be grateful because I am doubting everything I'm feeling right now even though it's almost been 2 months. I don't even want to charge my phone or use my laptop because I don't want to see if he sent me any messages but also don't want to know that he hasn't because I just feel like if he doesn't try to get me back that I'm not worth it. Thanks again everyone.

[shama]

Listen, I've dealt with quite a few abusive relationships in the past (mine and others'), and I can tell you with 100% certainty that this guy is no good for you. I wish there was some sort of jail for people like him.

 

People like this are controlling. They manipulate your feelings until you feel worthless, and then they build you back up the way they want you, so that you can't function without their approval. By keeping you under his thumb at all times, he gets the satisfaction of knowing that he's in control. He will make you feel like everything is all your fault, and then makes you beg him for forgiveness; he's making up the illness, and then selling you the cure.

 

It's possible that this guy is controlling with other people in his life, but not necessarily. Many times, people like him will keep their controlling personality hidden away from the rest of the world, so that to everyone else he just appears to be a normal, average guy. That way, if you eventually decide to tell someone, he can make you look like the liar and everyone will believe him. But it sounds like in your case other people know that he is abusive and manipulative, so you've already got an advantage. You've got family and friends on your side, and they can help protect you from him.

 

I would be very careful with this guy, because he could be pretty volatile from the sound of things. You need to cut off contact completely, and make sure that your family and friends know you are doing this and why. That way they won't accidentally hook you two up, not realizing the issues at hand. They can help in keeping him away from you, and if he tries to make a move they can help protect you.

 

If he does try anything, I would go to the police immediately. With the threats that he has sent you, I would be worried about violence or at the very least harassment. Whatever you do - keep away from this guy, and make sure that everyone knows that he is not to contact you under any circumstances. You need to ensure your own safety first and foremost. With time, you will heal and move past this, and hopefully find someone who will treat you like a decent human being.

[Doubtful]

Thank you so much for reading this huge post, he only had a handful of friends and the two that he would have over all of the time didn't even want to know I exist. I remember not knowing they were over and I said something instead of typing it over skype and he yelled at me in front of them asking me why I thought he was typing instead of talking to me because his friends were over and I make them "uncomfortable". Then muted himself and started typing and making jokes to me to make it all okay I guess. He would always have fights with the guy he was best friends with and the worst was when the guy apparently made a comment about me that he wouldn't tell me about and stopped talking to the guy for 9 months.

 

My mom doesn't like him at all, when I was with him and left him the first time he complained that even though I took him back that my mom doesn't like him now and that he'll never be able to make her think he's a good person like it was my fault I told her of the things he did that made me leave in the first place! He once got so angry that he threw a chair at his mom and it ended up hitting his cabinet and breaking it. I just don't get how I can be so scared of someone yet want to stay with them so badly. I've had to fight to keep from trying to text him and contact him in some way over the past month. I did end up checking his facebook and he already added his exes back and liking revealing pictures of people and just seems like it doesn't bother him at all. I also feel like he was just this way with me, if he acted this way towards his exes then why would they add him back so quickly? I mean he got accusatory when I told him I had to get on birth control to help with my horrible cramps, I would throw up each month they were so bad and he told me "You'd better not go see a male doctor, it better be a lady" and when I said okay he would ask if I was listening and that he would find out if I went to a male doctor.

 

I was worried he might act on his threats since he said I was worth going to jail for, but if he even came down here to threaten me he would end up back in jail since he had already done time (for a totally different issue). Right now I just feel like he might be the best I'll get because even though the bad stuff was there, the good things were great and made me feel so awesome. It's such a weird place to be in emotionally, but I'm glad others can relate, it makes me have some hope

[waffle]

I feel like I made a big mistake and that maybe I caused him to feel these feelings and be so jealous, possessive and insecure, That maybe I'm making it sound worse than it was...I just don't know...my family says yes he was extremely abusive and would have beat me if I went to live with him like we planned and I just started an acting class for myself and the teacher told me he was abusive as well. I guess i just need some more opinions because I still feel like it's my fault

I remember having these thoughts that I highlighted above when I was making the break.

 

Then someone sent me the link posted below. I had never seen my life described so accurately on a website, I actually felt chills as I read it. You asked for the signs of emotionally abusive behavior, so here you go:

link removed

[ParisPaulette]

Your only mistake in all of this mess is you didn't walk out the door a long time ago. And just keep walking with your head held high tuning out anything and everything he might try to say after that. Suggest you do so now.

 

It's normal for someone who's been abused to feel guilty or feel like they're the cause of it all, because they get that drummed into their head over and over by the abuser. And as someone who worked in a women's shelter for 16 years yes you were being abused, he has serious mental issues and staying with him would put you in all manner of danger. Cut off all contact, get yourself into therapy, don't get into any other relationships until you are healed and able to listen and act on your intuition and have enough self-love to never allow yourself back into a similar situation, with him or anyone else for that matter.

 

And no he is never going to be the best you can do, only the worst. Him and everyone else like him. Get into therapy, so you understand and believe that you control your own happiness, not anyone else. And that you don't have to settle for anyone just because you think you can't be happy alone. You definitely weren't happy with him now were you, so the whole idea of "I need to hang on to this, because it's all I can get" has already proven to be a false one.

 

I've been in an abusive relationship and got out. I've seen abusive relationships in every type of scenario. I'd take being alone for the rest of my life, completely alone in a cave, over being abused by anyone. Because I can do better all by myself any day of the week than put up with abuse from anyone, I don't care who they are, how much I love them, how great they are when they aren't abusive. I'd chew my own leg off literally rather than go down that road ever again.

 

That's the attitude you want to aim for and get. Therapy helps, getting your life accomplishments helps, realizing you can be alone and nothing bad is going to happen as a result of being alone, and then realizing you aren't alone because you have family and friends and animals who need help and people out there who will be happy you exist who won't abuse you.

 

You've made the hardest step already, now keep going and don't go back no matter what he says or does, because if you do chances are good he won't let you leave unless it's in a body bag. You know you didn't cause any of his issues, but it'll take time for the brainwashing to fade and yes that's what it always is with an abusive relationship. Therapy and love and support from you family will help.

[Doubtful]

Thank you for that link waffle, he definitely fit the yelling and pretty much all of the controlling behaviors besides the money and car ones since I live in another state. I just don't get how things could go from happy, loving and kidding around to screaming and accusing so fast each time it happened. I could almost predict when it would happen because things would just be going a little too well and would just get a foreboding feeling in the pit of my stomach.

 

Thanks again, and I'm glad you made it through and out of your bad relationship

[Doubtful]

Thanks Paris, yeah, I should have stayed away when I left the first time last year but I just had to take him back and after I did he asked if I was just "jealous" of the girl he was making comments to on Facebook because her "chest is bigger than mine?" It was so mean, I already had some concerns with my chest size and then he goes and makes a joke of why it's better they're smaller to try and make me feel better I guess, but of course it didn't.

 

I never had a boyfriend before him, heck, I've never even kissed a guy so he had absolutely NOTHING to get so paranoid about, I deleted all of my friends from Facebook except my mom and everyone from skype but him, I never asked that of him, only to possibly get rid of anyone (girls) that didn't belong on his skype that he had been with before and he blew up and deleted everyone, even family! I never told him to do that and he went on about how I don't trust HIM and made him delete women who were cousins and such, but I really didn't word it that way, I said anyone who he used to message for "certain reasons". Then after yelling at me he admitted that he never talked to the family he deleted anyway and that there was a girl on there that he had "forgotten" to take off. I always made sure that I asked him things in the least confrontational way possible but he always said I asked it in the wrong way, that I was always sounding accusatory and that if I asked a different way that he wouldn't get mad and yell and then he would give me examples of how I should have asked him about whatever I asked.

 

I'm lucky I have my mom and sister (who never liked him), I just wanted some outside opinions and I trust this website to give it to me straight. I've taken up acting lessons, something I've always wanted to do that he wouldn't have liked me doing, and hopefully it'll help me think and second-guess things. I'm also thinking of seeing a therapist like you suggested. I was doing so well not thinking about things for the past 3 weeks but for some reason everything came rushing back and hit me again this week. I even started worrying that I might have been abusive in some ways that caused him to be abusive back; but I never told him he couldn't go out with friends, I always told him to have fun, heck, half the time I wouldn't even know if they were coming over or not because he usually wouldn't say but I never got mad or jealous, I never harrassed him on the phone or accused him of being with another girl even though if anyone should've been worried about that sort of thing it should've been me! I always encouraged him and tried to make him feel good and he even told me a month before I decided to leave that I was "better off without him" because he broke down and went to the casino without telling me and lost money he was saving to buy and apartment with. I didn't even yell at him for that! All I did was ask why he didn't call me if he felt like he was getting an urge to go like he usually did since he hadn't been for almost a year.

 

Sorry for writing so much more, it just makes me so sad and angry at the same time I'm glad you stayed strong and didn't go back to your abuser, I know I can do the same, I just have to remember all of the abuse rather than the good times; thank you for your support I'm sure I'll be re-reading all of this when I start to feel weak.

[ParisPaulette]

No you were never abusive. It's not abusive to know that when your SO is doing the things he's doing it's wrong and to get upset about it. My first relationship was abusive too and I'm happy to say that once I left, got out into the world, and saw that no one normally treats those they love like that I was pretty much done with ever putting up with it again. And yes the ex tried to get me back, but by the time he did so I'd gotten out from under the whole Stockholm Syndrome so to speak and it ended with security from my workplace escorting him off the property while I told him to never contact me again. That was that.

 

You will get better. Read everything you can about abusive relationships too, there's a book I particular like called "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" that will help you understand what's going on in his head and yes, yours too. link removed

 

Start there, arm yourself with information, realize your family has your back and were right to not like him, and move forward.

[Doubtful]

I felt especially bad because I didn't even bring up the issue to him before I just said I was tired of the relationship; but I think my reaction was fair because before that all happened he told me he was sick of my lies and said he was going to leave, it's just that this time instead of begging for him not to go I told him it's probably for the best. It still makes me feel kind of bad though because I do like to talk through issues and feel like I just snapped that day and I NEVER do that

 

It's good to hear other people's stories, especially when they talk about how much better their lives are. My family was worried that this relationship may affect my future ones but I think it'll just make me more cautious and hopefully able to spot abusers sooner rather than later. I actually went out and got that book you suggested a week after I left him haha, it really did help me feel a bit better and kind of see why he acted the way he did towards me; I think I'll look into some other books on abuse like the "Why Does He Do That?" book.

 

Thank you again for taking the time to share advice and your experience through your own relationship, I really appreciate it and all of these comments have made me feel a lot better about leaving him. Hopefully after a while I'll be able to help others on this site get away from people that abuse them just like you guys do.

[Jewels7]

Some of the things you said are very similar to my own situation. I too felt like maybe I was making it sound worse (and he got mad and told me that I made everyone hate him). I also felt like I made a huge mistake by leaving and wanting him back (and honestly there are times when I still feel that. It has been 4 months since I left). I won't lie. It still hurts. I still cry but no where near as much as I did right after we ended. I'm better than I was two months ago and hopefully in 2 months I'll be better than I am now. You will get this too. You have to go NC though. That's the only way. Trust me. It made me feel so much worse every time I talked to

him.

[Jewels7]

Oh some other good books are "The Manipulative Man," "X that Ex," and "it's my

Life now" just to name a few. I've been reading self help books like crazy and they do make you feel better!

[Doubtful]

Yeah, I keep asking my family if it was as bad as it sounds or if I'm just making it sound worse and I feel like I'm being so annoying but it just nags at me all the time now. After a fight if it was earlier in the day he would say how I ruined his day now but I never started any of our arguments, they would be simple questions asked in the most non-accusing way I could think of and he would STILL say I said it accusingly and then give examples on how I should have asked it, and I totally get how awful it feels Every time I read about others stories I always feel better and like "Yeah, I'll get through this, it wasn't my fault!" and then 2 hours later I'm back to second guessing and doubting myself and saying "Well, I must have done things wrong too, maybe I was just as bad." It really is terrible to have these feelings. Have you gone to therapy? I'm going to be going sometime soon I think, and I hope it helps as much as others say it does. I've been NC for two months now, he texted me after I left him telling me to just leave him alone and that I'll never hear from him again then sent one saying he doesn't care what my family or I do and THEN sent one saying he never threatened me like I said he did.

 

The most messed up part is KNOWING he did all of these things deep down but then feeling like you caused it or could've been a better partner and to be honest, I haven't even charged my phone after it died and I don't want to because I know if there are no messages for him then I'll just feel like I wasn't worth getting back or that I didn't matter... I don't know if that makes sense but it'll just make me feel bad either way. Thank you for giving me some support Jewels, it really did come at a good time I hope I do get to the place you're at now.

[gone]

He f*cked with your mind. That's why you feel so much self-doubt. Definitely read those books, and right now, this moment, take a deep breath. And tell yourself: "I am so happy I no longer have to live in the crazy and crazy-making world he lives in." Think about it: you are FREE to think your own thoughts now! So go ahead and think them!

[Doubtful]

Thank you Gone, and thank you Jewels for recommending those books, I'm definitely going to be looking for them at the bookstore. You're right, I've actually been feeling a little happier the past couple days and started drawing for fun again, something I only used to do for him since those would be my gifts to him for holidays and anniversaries. It's weird but also nice to be able to not have to worry about everything I do and how it might affect him. I'm feeling especially great right now for some reason and I hope it stays haha

[Jewels7]

It's completely normal to feel everything you're feeling. I went to therapy for about 2 or 3 months and it does help. I would definitely recommend it. I still have really hard days and I still love him after everything that happened, but I think I am moving on a little bit at a time. I know it hurts to think of him not trying to reach out. I wanted my ex to leave me alone so I could get over him, yet now that he is leaving me alone I think he must be over me and that hurts! They did play mind games with us and it will take a while to recover. It's good.you're drawing. Try journaling as well. That may help.

[gone]

Jewel - initially I also felt like I wanted my abusive ex to leave me alone so I could heal, and then once he finally did (and started dating other people), it hurt that he was gone. BUT, it's essential that they are gone, bc these kinds of people will never give us what we want, and the whole thing was an illusion. I feel sorry for whoever my ex preys upon next and I am glad I learned from this experience so that I will never be that girl again!

 

 

It's completely normal to feel everything you're feeling. I went to therapy for about 2 or 3 months and it does help. I would definitely recommend it. I still have really hard days and I still love him after everything that happened, but I think I am moving on a little bit at a time. I know it hurts to think of him not trying to reach out. I wanted my ex to leave me alone so I could get over him, yet now that he is leaving me alone I think he must be over me and that hurts! They did play mind games with us and it will take a while to recover. It's good.you're drawing. Try journaling as well. That may help.