I Can't Stay Away

[Aries1]

Been married almost 10 years now,got off to a rocky start...not your storybook relationship. Needless to say over the years things have begun to deteriorate,to the point that recently I just snapped and moved out.

 

Prior to this it's been a little more each time...first I would leave for a day, then a week, now I actually spent money for a U Haul truck and came and got everything. I always said I can put up with a lot apparently,but I did say there are some non-negotiables...like if anything starts to get violent etc. Other times when we'd have a falling out,we were able to patch it up between us...but this time the stepkid was involved,and when he started threatening me I knew it was the beginning of something possibly more volatile. So that's when I left...

 

Then she starts telling me how much of a wreck her life is without me and how it's basically the end of her future. She's been on 'disability' for back surgery for a few years,so she's not able to do everything she used to...include work. She has a fixed income,so mine is a help.

 

I know how she is and it's possible she could be playing me with guilt again...but I know there really is not much she can do by herself,so I could never live it down if I let her go down the drain. As much as I think she might deserve it sometimes,it would eat at my conscience.

 

So basically it's be free and design my own future,or be stuck in the same rut we've been in possibly putting myself in danger again...either from domestic problems or the everyday danger of residing in Killadelphia.

 

Oh well I don't call myself a martyr for nothing. I wonder if that quaiifies for sainthood...

[jjkk]

The reality is she's still an adult and still responsible for her own life. If she needs help doing things she needs to utilize her friends, family, and community/government resources. It's not your job to take care of her. The relationship is volatile and not healthy for either of you. You aren't her only option for survival or not going down the drain. It may take her some time to adjust to doing things differently or relying on other people or learning to do more for herself and you may still have some guilt at first while she struggles to regain a balance but ultimately this sounds like a bad relationship and you shouldn't keep running back to take care of her just because you feel guilty.

 

You don't have to take her phone calls and attempts to guilt you back. It's true she may feel like you're her only option at this moment or she may be scared to have to go on w/out you but she has options. She just hasn't had to resort to them because you're there. In the same right, you're responsible for your own life and actions. You know what you need to do.

[Aries1]

She doesn't have that much family to depend on and apparently not her friends either,if she really did have something then she probably wouldn't sound as desperate. But part of me always thinks that part of it is an act to get me to do things and she'll continue to appear sneaky to me.

[SooSad33]

Yes, you were there during some trying times for her.. BUT, you cannot be her savior.

If she needs some help, I'm sure she can get it. There are agencies out there to help those who are 'challenged'.

Respite care, Support workers, etc. She just needs to talk to her doctor.

 

The fact is.. your relationship is over and she needs to realize this. She cannot 'make' you stay and take care of her.

So, don't start feeling guilt because of this.

 

I have a neighbour who;s in a wheelchair & has 2 cats. She is on her own and has regular help. She manages okay.

[catfeeder]

Can't the mouthy step-kid step up and help her?

[ParisPaulette]

Yeah, if you look back through history most saints of one sort of another die bloody deaths. Sainthood is overrated and you aren't doing what a real saint would do anyways. It's one thing to help someone, quite another to be a doormat.

[Lester]

I cringe when I hear the "disability" word.

 

Now, only one in ten, (soon to be twenty?), are actually disabled. (Tell a couple of quick lies and get $1190.00/month of stolen money for life... goodby workforce!)

These liars/cheaters are stealing honest workers social security/retirement hopes right out from under the wheelchair ramp. (Good intentions, stupid/corrupt governance!)

 

Do you think she is, or has become, one of them?

[Aries1]

Can't the mouthy step-kid step up and help her?

 

That was the plan,it would force him to do the chores etc that I was doing...

[Aries1]

Yeah, if you look back through history most saints of one sort of another die bloody deaths. Sainthood is overrated and you aren't doing what a real saint would do anyways. It's one thing to help someone, quite another to be a doormat.

 

That's what I was saying in my sarcasm,if I stay there too long most likely it would be a bloody death....

[Aries1]

I cringe when I hear the "disability" word.

 

Now, only one in ten, (soon to be twenty?), are actually disabled. (Tell a couple of quick lies and get $1190.00/month of stolen money for life... goodby workforce!)

These liars/cheaters are stealing honest workers social security/retirement hopes right out from under the wheelchair ramp. (Good intentions, stupid/corrupt governance!)

 

Wow sounds pretty close,but as far as I've seen she's not very functional without her pain meds plus I've seen the x-rays and her back is basically falling apart. So some of it may be not wanting to work,but then there's the reality of pain all the time too and that's not fun;

Do you think she is, or has become, one of them?

 

Wow sounds pretty close,but as far as I've seen she's not very functional without her pain meds plus I've seen the x-rays and her back is basically falling apart. So some of it may be not wanting to work,but then there's the reality of pain all the time too and that's not fun;

[jjkk]

Stay strong in what you know you need to do. You said you sense some of it is her manipulating you. If that's what your gut is telling you, it's probably right. There are government programs she can use for help, along w/ her child if she doesn't have friend/family support. She can get a home health aid to come to her house and help her w/ laundry and cleaning type things and a worker that can do things like take her grocery shopping and to appointments, etc. Maybe you can tell her to look into this for assistance since you won't be able to help her anymore. Then it's her job to follow through and do that, not yours. Don't get suckered back in by doing all the footwork for assistance programs.

[Aries1]

Stay strong in what you know you need to do. You said you sense some of it is her manipulating you. If that's what your gut is telling you, it's probably right. There are government programs she can use for help, along w/ her child if she doesn't have friend/family support. She can get a home health aid to come to her house and help her w/ laundry and cleaning type things and a worker that can do things like take her grocery shopping and to appointments, etc. Maybe you can tell her to look into this for assistance since you won't be able to help her anymore. Then it's her job to follow through and do that, not yours. Don't get suckered back in by doing all the footwork for assistance programs.

 

I've felt manipulated before,and apparently it takes moves like this to get the message accross. In the city where we are I don't see many people of similar getting home health aides unless they're really old and handicapped...but I hear what you're saying.

[jjkk]

So are you saying you truly think she could do more for herself than she does?

[Aries1]

There's no telling.

[Aries1]

Well apparently she is very crafty with controlling with guilt,because she said since we've been separated I sound happy now...well god forbid that! I've been repressed for years what did you expect?...So I told her those things and she said she 'won't bother me anymore',but that means she'll message me in a little while to pour on more guilt about how she has no money and how is she going to make it in the future,and cry and whatever else to try to lure me back to the same ol...but then says 'but it's not your problem anymore,you left'. I offered to be on amicable terms and help out with money or whatever but apparently it's black or white with her,either I'm there or cut off completely...is this normal?

[LC8328]

Wow. She sounds incredibly manipulative. You know she likes to pour on the guilt, so keep that in mind when you come in contact with her.

 

Her being on disability does not give her carte blanche to treat you like this. It doesn't mean you're 'locked in' with her. It's still a relationship, and in any relationship, there must be mutual respect or it can't get anywhere. Nor is it a dictatorship. You still have the choice to be with her or not; we all do, with all of our significant others, everyday of our lives.

 

I understand it would eat at your conscience, but this is NOT your fight. Even if you had been married, you would still have the option of divorcing her (albeit probably with some alimony, etc). If it makes you feel guilty it's because she made you feel that way. If you want to be happy at all, you have to stop letting her words affect you so much. Easier said than done, I know, but if you don't stop it, you'll never be free.

 

Good luck. You can do it.

[Aries1]

Well she just called me and started blowing up on me about something she saw on my Facebook page,she didn't call to say she missed me or anything^ Now I remember clearly one of the reasons why I decided on this separation. I don't think she really misses me,I think she misses the way things were...where she could lord over me and control my every move!