BeaTlesFan77 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 It's been awhile since I've posted here. Hope everyone is well. Trying Match again and I got a response from someone I'm interested in. We've done one email exchange so far and I just started the second exchange a few minutes ago. The answer is probably going to vary but how many email exchanges do you have before you start asking for contact information? I don't want to come off as being desperate yet not give her the impression that I just want to be a pen pal to her. One time I took it slow and the other person ended up blocking me and saying that she doesn't want a pen pal. Thanks everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 On the first or second e-mail I asked for a phone number - I never considered it desperate to use a dating site for the purpose it was intended for -to meet people in person to see if we should then go on a date. After the first phone call he usually suggested meeting and if he didn't I did either on that phone call or the next. I met over 100 men in person, corresponded with hundreds. If the person did not give me a phone number or made some excuse as to why he couldn't I moved on right away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scarlet486 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 In my experience we've exchanged contact information after 2 or 3 days of constant communication. Once it's apparent we like talking and we both are replying super fast I will ask or they ask. The apps tend to drain my battery life anyways so I would much rather text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
einsteins_girl Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I think it does depend on the person. Recently, the last two guys asked me to meet in person after a week, which was about 3 emails on each side. I personally thought that was really fast (too fast for me), but I'm probably not typical. I like the emailing stage. I feel more comfortable when I'm writing than when I'm talking, so it helps me to reach a level of comfort with them before meeting them. When I did online dating, err, eight years ago, I met my (eventual) boyfriend in person after a month of emailing and LOTS of emails. But honestly we had a really good email rapport, so I think that length of time worked for us. I would guess maybe a happy medium is best ... 2-3 weeks? But I have no idea. LOL. (By the way, the girl who said she didn't want a pen pal doesn't sound like someone you'd want to meet anyway. Yikes.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I found that the typing was mostly irrelevant other than for basic safety purposes -to confirm that the person was interested in talking by phone. The phone call was more relevant (voice tone, whether he was pleasant/conversational and another safety screen as far as whether there were any red flags. I always regretted any time I spent typing beyond one or two emails -huge waste of time and false sense of comfort. I had several phone calls after amazing emails that were awful -the guy was offensive, or sounded depressed, or had an annoying voice, or made me pull teeth (after being enthusiastic on email). Also I never wanted to wait to meet - I was sure if he was a quality guy he was getting tons of emails/phone calls and since until you meet you have no idea if there is chemistry I couldn't blame any guy for ending communication after meeting a person in person who he might click with - we all had limited time so dating in person more than 2-3 people at a time usually wasn't going to happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
einsteins_girl Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I met over 100 men in person, corresponded with hundreds. Yikes. Maybe online dating is not for me. That sounds... awful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 The whole point of the first emails is to see if you are interested enough in the person to talk on the phone. Then on the phone to decide whether you want to meet. It doesn't pay to waste a lot of time emailing only to discover you have NO attraction at all when you start talking to them or meet them in person. They may not even be who they say they are or be the age you expect or the looks you expect etc. So online dating is really a weeding out process, to as quickly as possible separate the wheat from the chaff. I would not invest a month in being someone's pen pal because you could meet in person and instantly feel no connection. So i'd say an email to set up a phone call. And the phone call to set up a quick coffee date. And if anywhere in the process you don't like the person, just move on. It doesn't pay to get really attached to someone after a month of emailing only to meet them and realize there is no chemistry at all. So the sooner the better on the coffee date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happpybear Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I have nothing to add, but just wanted to say hi and good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Yikes. Maybe online dating is not for me. That sounds... awful. It was hard work and it all paid off in several ways. Totally worth it. I never dated on line -I met men in person ASAP through on line dating sites. Huge difference IMO. I also met men on blind dates (through friends and acquaintances). I wanted marriage and family and once I was in my 30s I was more determined than ever to do whatever it took to meet potentially good matches. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
einsteins_girl Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 It was hard work and it all paid off in several ways. Totally worth it. I never dated on line -I met men in person ASAP through on line dating sites. Huge difference IMO. I also met men on blind dates (through friends and acquaintances). I wanted marriage and family and once I was in my 30s I was more determined than ever to do whatever it took to meet potentially good matches. That's really impressive. I think I was spoiled because, when I did online dating many years ago, I emailed with three guys, met one for coffee, and then met the one who would become my boyfriend of six years. It was all surprisingly easy. I'm starting to realize now how special that was. That said, I don't want to have kids - and I'm not so concerned about getting married - so I also don't feel the need to be an aggressive dater. Which is a good thing because I could never do what you did. LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 That's really impressive. I think I was spoiled because, when I did online dating many years ago, I emailed with three guys, met one for coffee, and then met the one who would become my boyfriend of six years. It was all surprisingly easy. I'm starting to realize now how special that was. That said, I don't want to have kids - and I'm not so concerned about getting married - so I also don't feel the need to be an aggressive dater. Which is a good thing because I could never do what you did. LOL. If you don't want marriage or family then I don't think the effort required in on line dating is worth it IMO (I know some might disagree!). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gdgfx Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I think online dating follows more formal contact procedures than you would if it was physical, contrary to what a lot of people believe. I mean, when you think about it, online dating essentially cuts a lot of the physicality from building relationships and so a lot more caution should be advised because people have the ability to contact you DIRECTLY. Whereas if someone approaches you in a club, although it is direct, the chances of it becoming an 'exchange' as you put it are slim because naturally, the whole procedure goes a lot more differently. Someone could ask you for your number in the first message on Match whereas someone just walking up to you and asking for your number in real life will usually invoke a different reaction. That being said, my best advice is to not taking online dating too seriously, do take it seriously because there are REAL people out there trying to find REAL things like love, passion, commitment, satisfaction, pleasure, to feel a connection and so on. But don't take it too seriously, what I learnt is; online dating sites know how to market their products. They make it out like you WILL find someone. Like it's 'written in the stars' when in reality, they don't know that, thats an uninformed grossly misguided conscious effort at pulling on people's heart strings and filling them with false hope when in reality, maybe 5-10% of the people you talk to will be what you are looking for and even less than 5-10% will make it to the last checkpoint regardless of whether you/they are physically/emotionally/mentally attracted to you. From my experience and I briefly used POF as I didn't feel it necessary to pay to fall in love because well, if you deem it okay to pay for a inbuilt bodily/spiritual reaction of feelings, senses and emotions then your a fool in my eyes, I maybe engaged/attempted to engage with 60 women. 30 or so I had replies from, 10 of them I had ongoing conversations with, I'd of possibly considered that 10 out of those 10 women were interested. Out of those 10 women, I met 5 of those women. So you work it out, 60 whittled down to 5 in less time then you can say abracadabra. Initially I wanted to believe that women would fall from the sky, that I'd be smothered with messages and attention when in reality, it's not the case. And I found that I could relate to my female friend's in the same way because if you filter out all the perverted sexually frustrated messages by men that appear to of lived in a cage unloved for their entire lifetime, they also had the same experience too. I could say that I had more engagement but I wasn't looking for sexual adventures and so it doesn't count and you'll find that a good 50% or more of people on those dating websites are openly or even secretly after one thing and I've heard so so so many stories, especially from women, about how they slowly started to believe that they had found an ideal man when he turned out to have intentions that didn't go past the bedroom and that's sad, it really is but that's also another aspect of online dating that is slowly ruining the balance of legitimacy. Having said all that, go at your own pace. Seeing one profile and being like "Wow he/she is super hot! I want him/her" is the WRONG way to go about it. Expecting replies off EVERYONE is the WRONG way to go about it. Expecting all of your conversations to lead to something legitimate is the WRONG way to go about it. Just see online dating as a portal to connect with others, don't see it as something that will give you something that talking to a guy in a bar won't give you, don't see it as some superior mode of communication because in all honesty, it's a well-oiled business that makes millions and millions off people that are sucked into a belief that engineers false hope and promises. You wouldn't go out with your friends, end up talking to a guy/girl and then when you went home ask yourself why that guy/girl never came home with you and get all depressed about it, and it's the same with online dating in many ways. But to end on a good note, online dating can only be a special place where you can find the special one and it'll usually happen when you least expect it. I found my partner online, not on a dating site but a social networking site not the big-hitting social sites, a site called MeetMe. And from day one we hit it off but I wasn't expecting anything and neither was she. The minute you start jumping in at the deep end with someone who can just shut the door on you in a heartbeat is the minute you could regret for a long time so just take it slow, try and limit how many messages you send to that one person you like, obviously, replying is a mature and sensible way of not being ignorant and building a friendship but replying with seconds of getting a message can in some way invoke a natural response to back off. I'd get it on POF sometimes, I'd talk to someone and instantly get a reply and that would be the case for several messages and it just made me want to back off a little. Just be yourself, don't be someone you are not, don't lie on your profile because you have to think that the right woman/man will see your profile and if it's a mixture of lies and truth or all lies then you're doomed from the start and you'll be surprised how many people both men and women lie about their online profiles and one lie leads to another and then leads to another, and won't end well. So be mature, be sensible, don't purposely time every message you send just get on with your life, don't sit around waiting for replies. Online dating is as much about self control as it is about indulgence and enjoyment. And seeing how well you can handle yourself and handle rejection as well. And enjoy yourself! It's a very fun and creative way of getting to know someone if you know how to assert yourself in a different environment and know how online dating works. Some people come and go, we all know the process, it's no different with online dating. Don't get attached to people too easily. Know your limits and set boundaries and you'll find that people will respect you more. That's all I can really say, there is a vivid psychology around online dating, it's a very open yet very intimate way of communicating with someone because like I said before, you are effectively hitting them in the sweet spot, you will be catching them in their comfort zone whether at home on the sofa, cuddled up in bed and any feelings they have at that time in regards to their needs will no doubt relay in how they act online and that will warrant an array of different emotions, some that won't be able to handle them and some that will, you'll come accross those that have had bad luck in relationships and some that have had it absolutely terrible, you'll find the attention seekers and those that are far from it, you'll find the NSA peeps and you'll find the no sex peeps and so control, dignity and a realistic approach will not only stop you from getting upset but will keep your emotional channels available for the right candidates. Ask for their details when you feel you are ready. It took me nearly a year to get hold of my partner's mobile number, and because I didn't rush into anything she ended up ringing me which I thought was really special and can still remember the first conversation we had over the phone and man I got really shy! So time is infinite, if it's meant to be then as long as you have some form of communication then that's all you need until you feel it necessary to branch out but all online dating sites now provide comprehensive services to keep people within their dating community. Branch out when you feel it's right. Hope I helped and best of luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 " online dating essentially cuts a lot of the physicality from building relationships" Online dating does. Online dating sites do not if you use them just as a way to make a first contact and set up a first meeting in person. I never built a relationship before meeting a person in person through an online dating site. I did build friendships with people I never met in person but not by using on line dating sites. " Someone could ask you for your number in the first message on Match whereas someone just walking up to you and asking for your number in real life will usually invoke a different reaction." Two different scenarios -the purpose of asking for a number of someone on a dating site is so that you can decide if you want to meet in person. If you meet a stranger in person and ask for a number you both know it's because you feel enough of a click in person that you might want to take that person on an actual date -one step beyond what it means to ask on link removed. When I asked for a number of someone who contacted me on Match it didn't mean I was attracted to the person or wanted to go on a date with the person -it was simply to see if we should meet in person to then see if there was an attraction. " there is a vivid psychology around online dating, it's a very open yet very intimate way of communicating with someone because like I said before, you are effectively hitting them in the sweet spot, you will be catching them in their comfort zone whether at home on the sofa, cuddled up in bed and any feelings they have at that time in regards to their needs will no doubt relay in how they act online and that will warrant an array of different emotions" Yes it's true if you use on line dating sites as a way to type and talk to strangers at length before meeting. If you don't choose to do that and simply use it as a way to make a first contact and see if you're comfortable enough to meet in a public place for 45 minutes for coffee then there is no more openness or intimacy than meeting in person first -and most likely less so. I think it's a big mistake to date online with rare exceptions. I think meeting people through on line dating sites is one of several ways to find a happy and lasting marriage or long term relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gdgfx Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Hmmm Batya, I think you are completely missing the point or perhaps fail to delve into the capacity of the comments I have made. You have clearly contradicted yourself here saying that dating isn't recommended but dating is recommended, make your mind up. This is why you need to have your wits about you, fearing rejection yet filling your head with false hope is only going to make the whole experience that much more unbearable when you don't get replies and believe me, you won't sometimes. I think you are hiding behind your insecurity of not being accepted and you need to be ready to be rejected, you need to see it as a positive and see it as online dating being an over rated inaccurate method of engaging with someone when all the natural protocols for getting to know someone are effectively thrown out of the window. So my suggestion would be to make sure you are ready emotionally, don't build yourself up to high, enjoy online dating but see the women you talk to as women - no more. Don't see them as potential girlfriends/wives, see them as women that are in the same place looking for their own version of romance/love. Trust me, you'll benefit entirely if you take the depth out of online dating and see it as another means of talking to people with a wall between you, sometimes, that wall will be too much, sometimes it will benefit you or the other person behind it and sometimes that wall will come crashing down and you'll be revealed to the other person. Online dating is great, but always proceed with caution. Don't jump in at the deep down, keep your emotions concealed and if you can be self controlled, natural and patient - you'll no doubt find the one you are looking for. And a word of advice? Asking for people's numbers so early on just says to me that you are desperate and that will come accross in people that you talk to. Don't give the game away. If someone likes you, take full advantage of the thrill of the chase. As soon as you've got that number, you are in this person's personal space so in theory, you better have a good reason for being in their inbox and no offense but that women who's text message inbox you are in? She no doubt has other guys that have the same approach as you... So having that said, it all comes down to.... BEING YOURSELF. BE NATURAL. BE FUN. DONT BE TOO DEMANDING. DONT GET TOO DEEP. DONT GIVE THE GAME AWAY. DONT GET ATTACHED TOO EASILY. DONT ASK FOR HER NUMBER TOO EARLY ON BECAUSE.... I'll put a little bet on here, if she's worth it she'll make you wait, if she isn't she won't be worth it And... ALWAYS remember that because online dating can skim an entire person's personal biography, because you aren't capable of allowing the other person to listen to your entire story nor may they want to or you to explain it.. you will always find people that think they know your intentions, that think they know what you are all about and the truth is... they don't! And if you don't talk to you then they never will but again, take it as a positive. In life, being able to deal with rejection and coming accross as stronger and a better person because of it is a very effective skillset to have and very attractive to the opposite sex too. But people WILL judge you on your profile picture, on your bio, even on your hair colour and what sort of body type you have. You are always going to bump into the wrong sort of women, the immature ones, the naive ones and the ones that have no idea what they are doing there. It's upto you to make an example of this and be non-judgemental yet be confident and witty, outgoing and natural. And don't let the fact that you can never explain yourself good enough to someone online because if that person is right for you, you have eternity to tell your story to that special someone. Good conversing with you, I like this, discussing online dating and all it's pro's and con's, very enjoyable And good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Yes -you are talking about online dating and presuming lots of contact happens through typing and talking. I am talking about meeting people through on line dating sites where the contact is minimal prior to meeting and is primarily focused on screening for safety purposes and deciding if you would be comfortable talking to this person for 45 minutes in person in a public place. If someone did not want to talk on the phone within one or two emails I knew they wanted to date on line or be chat buddies. That is not why I used on line dating sites. For me it was very similar to being set up by friends on a blind date but I needed the additional safety screening because we didn't have mutual friends. Often, in the huge city in which I did my dating, we did have mutual friends because I had an active social life besides looking on on line dating sites and met a lot of people. I did see meeting men in this way as different because of safety reasons and because it presented a (hopefully accurate) list of facts and qualities typed on a profile that you wouldn't know from meeting a stranger on the street. That helped me screen out far more than screen in -I knew I wanted someone marriage/family minded, educated, non-smoker, from my geographic area (i.e. as opposed to meeting a stranger who might just be in town briefly), who preferably did not have kids and who was single. That was a positive (as long as the person was being truthful) because it dispensed with having to ask those kinds of personal questions of a stranger you just met. I agree with what you are saying if you date on line or approach dating sites the way you are describing -with significant typing and talking to a stranger before meeting in person. I found that level of typing and talking a waste of time because I knew that meeting in person was the only way to know whether it made sense to go on an actual date -with physical features being low on the list of reasons why. I do agree that all dating -especially dating to find a long term partner -requires a thick skin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeaTlesFan77 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 Thank you everyone for reading and offering your feedback! I really appreciate it. Happpybear, great to see you online again and we'll talk again soon. Just to give you an update. Made it through the second round of emails and just now I started our third go around. We've just been talking about our love of superhero movies so far. In this last one I asked what she likes to do around town and where she likes to go for coffee. We both like to hang out at coffee shops and watch superhero movies. Depending on her response I might suggest we meet for coffee at one of the places she likes. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again for your support and hope you had a great Labor Day weekend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 And a word of advice? Asking for people's numbers so early on just says to me that you are desperate and that will come accross in people that you talk to. Don't give the game away. If someone likes you, take full advantage of the thrill of the chase. I think if you try that 'thrill of the chase' thing by waiting too long before asking for a phone number and you'll get what the OP got. Blocked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mellie Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I think if you spend too long messaging each other, you'll form all kinds of preconceived notions about each other, and then when you meet in person it will be a jolt. Also, if you tell them too much upfront then it could make things a little awkward (you're sitting accross the table from a stranger and yet they know your life story). On the other hand, if someone asked for my number within the first couple of messages I would be spooked, same if they pushed to meet up. Having said that though, it all depends what else I have going on. Maybe I have a date lined up with someone else? Or maybe this person I'm chatting with is top of my list and I'd love to go out with him? Or maybe I'm up to my eyes with work and I've only got time to chat for 5 minutes? I think after 3-4 chatting sessions, I'd like to be asked out (and I wouldn't do the asking, as a woman), but that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I never thought a man from a dating site was asking me out on a date -he was asking to meet so we could see if we should go on a date in the future. I think if you start chatting with someone on a dating site and your profile says you are available to date then you need to tell the person ASAP if you don't have time to meet for a long time, or you're going to be out of town for a lengthy period, or you're just not that interested in meeting because of other priorities. I hated having my time wasted by people who wanted a chat buddy or wanted to date online (whatever that means). I always asked the guy for his number within one or two messages because i knew I wouldn't learn any relevant information by just typing. After one phone call if he didn't suggest meeting and I wanted to meet, I suggested meeting. I didn't have time given my career and my desire to find a husband and start a family to spend time typing and talking to a stranger beyond safety screening and deciding whether I thought we could have a decent conversation in person. Most of the time the guy suggested meeting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeaTlesFan77 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Well it looks like I screwed up again. We exchanged emails for a good week going into the weekend. The subject came up that we should meet for coffee and she hinted at the weekend as she was out of town. I ended up catching something which put me under the weather almost the whole weekend. Saturday early afternoon I emailed and suggested that next Sunday would be better because I got sick and didn't want to give it to her. Plus I'm actually going out of town this coming week. As of this evening I haven't heard anything. Not even a hope you feel better and thanks for thinking of my health. When I went online to check she been online yesterday and today. I'm thinking of doing a humorous followup after three full days to make sure she is okay. Back off and give her some space. Your thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Eh, I'm not a fan of doing the obvious "are you okay" messages. But if you do that, only do that once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 I don't think she needs to be in touch until it's time to set a specific time for Sunday. Sick could mean bad cold and no, a stranger from a dating site doesn't have to check up on you to prove that she's interested in meeting for coffee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeaTlesFan77 Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 False alarm. She responded this evening. Yes Batya you made an excellent point. Thanks for your feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 It's been awhile since I've posted here. Hope everyone is well. Trying Match again and I got a response from someone I'm interested in. We've done one email exchange so far and I just started the second exchange a few minutes ago. The answer is probably going to vary but how many email exchanges do you have before you start asking for contact information? I don't want to come off as being desperate yet not give her the impression that I just want to be a pen pal to her. One time I took it slow and the other person ended up blocking me and saying that she doesn't want a pen pal. Thanks everyone! Do what feels comfortable to you. As you are finding there is no one answer. Everyone is different. If you do what is comfortable to you and women don't like it, it just means they aren't a good match. Stop trying to figure things out. Do what you want. This is the best way to find a match. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 I don't agree with this. I think it's fine to reevaluate approaches that don't work and go out of your comfort zone especially when it comes to contacting strangers because if you can't get out of the starting gate due to sabotaging behaviors then what's the point? I do think that obviously you have to be comfortable with an SO for it to be a good match but many people I know including myself had to go wayyyy out of the comfort zone so I could increase my chances of meeting a good match. This is just preliminary behaviors -very little relevance to whether the OP has anything in common with -let alone chemistry -with these women. I always asked for a phone number within one or two emails because I knew typing was irrelevant to figuring out whether we should meet in person -it was a poor way to screen for safety and just as bad for figuring out whether we could have a pleasant conversation in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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