Can't focus on my possitive emotions!

[rikardo13]

Hello everybody I guess I need an advice….

First sorry for my English it is not perfect.

I met my girlfriend about 8 years ago. During our first dates she was in love with her ex-boyfriend. They have a lot of misunderstandings and as far as I know he didn’t tread her good and with respect.

Even in our first date she told me that she is a mess with this relationship and it is better for me to stay away from her. Of course I didn’t agree with her and I told her that I really want to try to see what things will bring for us.

So here is what thing bring for us. We live together from 7 years, we have our own house from 4 years and we have beautiful daughter at the age of 5.

Two years ago her ex-boyfriend find her in the chat and as far as I know they start chatting from time to time.

We don’t have the best relationship with my wife – we had many fights. But at the same time I think she is extraordinary person and I’m still deeply in love with her. The problem is that she never have “butterflies in her belly” because of me I believe. Her ex was probably her biggest love no matter that she was treated badly.

Anyway as I said they start to chat together from time to time. She knows that I’m feeling bad about this but she don’t stop chatting with him. She is now keep his privacy as phone and laptop away from me so me not to be feeling bad.

At the same time from the last few weeks she just decided to include him as possible partner in our business (we have family internet business). It is true that we work with other people like this but … as you probably guess this doesn’t make me feel very happy about it. Of course this will include frequent chats with her ex and I don’t like this.

I already talk about her about the whole and she knows how I feel. Her response is that her ex is not the problem and I’m not to be worried about him… and if we have future departs this will be because of our relationship together with her. She is probably right and I almost believe her because if not else she was always honest with me.

I believe that the way to fix our relationship is me to be more aggressive in the positive way to be better in every aspect of our live… to be able to be happy and show her positive attitude of our living together. This is something very hard for me to do because even when we have our perfect moments sometimes It just pop up in my head: “she doesn’t love me as the partner next to her…. She have the needs to communicate with her ex-love… etc”. This stupid thoughts just kills me inside so I very often feel depressed and when I feel like this my attitude toward her is negative in every aspect and this ruins even further our romantic relationship. I came up to this conclusion because when I feel happy and show happiness and talked with her in the positive way all our relations are perfect… problem is I’m unable to keep this positive state when my head is full of .

[lifesatrip]

Sorry, but she sounds full of . Why does she get to control who you do business with - aren't you team who should make those decisions together? Also, I think it is unacceptable for her to "chat" with her ex in this context. She's being very selfish, of course you wouldn't feel comfortable or secure with her chatting with this person. And now she wants to bring him into your family business? What the hell! It sounds like she is not respecting your feelings at all and is pretending that her behavior is normal and you're the unreasonable one to get you to go along with it. She's not being a partner. I think you need to put your foot down, and if she's not interested in changing her behavior, maybe consider whether it is worth staying in this relationship. It is highly likely things will only get worse, she is just drawing him further into her (and now your) life. She is in the wrong, and no sane person would be conjuring "positive emotions" in this situation!

[rikardo13]

Thank you for your time to answer Lifesatrip!

Things are even more complicated now. I probably missed the most important part - because I didn't want to accept the trueth. She told me already many times that she doesnt love me as man next to her. But she love me as father of our doughter and it is true that she is taking care of me as a partner in life. I know she doesnt love me romantic and the problem is that i do. She was always honest with me. Now for me is hard to handle my feeling - because i love her. We live together and we raise our beautifull kid. It is hard to even think to leave because of our doughter which is very sensitive and this will be really dramatic for her. And at the same time I still live with a wife that doesn't love me back and i must accept that/!!?!

OMG as i read what i write above it is a mess and not clear i beleave - as my head feel the same.

Sorry for the bad English!

[western]

I agree wholeheartedly. Rikardo is being used and now he is in a trap because of his young daughter. His choice is either to break up with a girlfriend who is going to stray, maybe with this new guy (ex-boyfriend) or not going to love him the way he does her or he can stay in there and get his world crushed. Under no circumstances should he get married and his child is probably young enough that she won't know what happened at this stage. Figure on paying child support and selling your share of the business or having her do the same. This relationship is dead end

 

 

Sorry Rikardo. You sound like a really good and honorable guy trying to do the right thing. If all of your efforts failed after 8 years to change her mind, are you spinning your wheels when you could find someone who wants you ? Besides, do you really trust her ex being around ?