She Dumped Me With Mixed Signals. Now what?

[weathergirl]

I just thought of something too OP. You said she is 36 and you are 30. She may be feeling insecure about the age difference. Many women are and so are some men for that matter, although not as much as women.

 

And as Ms. Darcy said, at 36, she is aware that her peers are marrying and she is not getting any younger either. At 30, she may be feeling like you have a ways to go before you consider marriage. Plus she may feel insecure that you might eventually want someone younger. If she's insecure as many of us are (especially in those early stages)...it's not uncommon for her to think things like this.

 

Darcy makes good points and the only reason why I don't think she's just busy or lost interest or found another guy is because of how emotional she became when she went to pick up her things up at your house. Once could certainly NOT call her behavior indifferent or disinterested. Quite the contrary actually... there was a lot of emotion there. Which indicates there are still lots of feelings. So to me, her losing interest or not being as into you as you are into her... to the point where she just suddenly and without warning dumped you one week after having a fabulous time with you at the beach just doesn't make sense.

 

Her finding a new guy doesn't make sense either... given how "into" you she was just one week prior at the beach. Again, her coolness and aloofness all started immediately after you told her you had to study and could not see her the weekend after your great weekend at the beach.

 

Oh I don't know really...we're all just speculating. Bottom line is you just need to talk to her to find out what's going on.

[mcscruff]

Thats kind of the vibe i got out of the whole situation too. Thats exactly why its throwing me for a loop, b/c on one hand she came accross as if she does really care about me a lot in the week or so prior to breakup, and when she left my place crying without her stuff as if doing something she didn't necessarily want to do (breaking it off). As if she is at odds with herself or emotions.

 

On the other hand she broke it off coldly, no options/choices in the matter,no fighting, no suggestion of a break/cool off period/space, no conversations prior to, nothing. Even now at work, she seems almost to avoid making eye contact with me since i sit in a general area where most people have to pass at least once or twice a day. When we were still together she would at least smile or look at me, even before we started dating, and it was solely co-workers.

 

I hate that i have to wait until after Sunday to talk to her in person. Waiting a week and both of us having clearer heads will either work for or against me. But so will having a conversation too early, when her mind is cluttered/ over stressed from her current load.

 

Until there is a "nail in the coffin" of the relationship or a "revival" i can barely concentrate at work. Been having to journalize all my thoughts and actions in order to vent and stay sane.

 

I can empathize with her if she was overwhelmed. Ive been in that situation where the world is pulling on you and you feel like you arent even taking care of yourself and at that point you if you cant take care of yourself, how can your take care of a relationship or another person. But im just speculating too.

[ThatwasThen]

Suspense of having to wait a week to have a "real" talk with her, with so much uncertainty in the air is spinning my brain

Well, your thread is not helping with your anxiety in the least. Why don't you quit reading speculation and projection and just wait without expectation for your discussion. Anything less is futile, really because none of us are her.

 

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

[weathergirl]

Well, your thread is not helping with your anxiety in the least. Why don't you quit reading speculation and projection and just wait without expectation for your discussion. Anything less is futile, really because none of us are her.

 

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

 

Good advice but easier said than done sometimes. I know when I am feeling anxious, venting helps.

 

But yeah mscruff...TwT is right. We are all just speculating.

 

What helps me when feeling anxious is walking, running, general exercise. It increases endorphins or something so it really helps. Also getting plenty of rest. I try to eat some carbs before bed too (not too many maybe just a piece of toast)... it does help me sleep...not sure why though.

 

Don't drink alcohol that will make it worse.

 

Also, when you see her at the office act "as if" she's just another co-worker. Don't even look to see whether she's looking or not. Act indifferent.

 

Hope this helps.... keep us posted!

[Sedrick]

You're making a ton of mistakes here. Let's work with the premise that women are attracted to guys who are strong, independent, secure, and decisive. As compared to guys who are weak, clingy, indecisive, and insecure. If you're with me on this then keep reading otherwise you might as well just skip my post entirely.

 

So i asked her to go out Friday night, but that either way, i wanted to talk to her about something. (to force a conversation, if necessary, knowing well that it would force the breakup).

 

She's been unresponsive to you. You've been dumped before (and I can see why) so rather than backing off and letting her come to you, you ask her out and even WORSE you say "I want to talk to you about something". That's weak, clingy, and puts her under even MORE pressure. You think she doesn't know what you want to talk about? She's been blowing you off and you're butt hurt about it and you want answers and you want them now! How about just backing off, since she's not responding to you, and take the attitude of "well if that's what she wants, I'm going to find other things to do". It builds the mystery, the intrigue and makes you look tons better in her eyes as compared to a guy who just can't handle the rejection. Put yourself in her shoes and see if you can imagine this.

 

BTW i still have all her stuff, and I would have figured she would have contacted me to get it by now (only been 2 days), since she wanted to when she broke up with me Friday night.

 

She broke up with you. Pack up her stuff and drop it at her house. Time for you to start calling the shots. If there's any chance of getting her back, this is exactly how to do it even though you probably can't understand this.

 

-I texted her Sunday, that I hated how things ended via text on Friday. And to let her know I was never in it for the short term with her and that I definitely see long term with her.

 

Weak, clingy, sappy.. you name it. She's breaking up with you dude. Didn't you say you weren't going to contact her? Good plan. But you contacted her! Not the time to say you definitely see long term with her, she isn't even sure she's going to see you for another week.

 

-I told her if there is a chance for "US", I’m going to fight tooth and nail for it and would like to get together and have a real open talk with no holds barred or expectations.

 

Saying you'll fight tooth and nail if there's a chance, is about as weak and clingy as you can get. This isn't about what you want, it's about what she wants. She isn't looking for a fight, she wants her space and if you can't give it to her than you will lose for sure.

 

I told her i prefer we have a talk when she inst stressed or rushed.

 

Stop telling her that you want your little talk. Stop chasing her. Stop contacting her. If she wants back in she knows where to find you. And if she does want to see you, leave the "talk" and all the "I love you's" and "I see a long future with you" at the door. Try to be cool, and maybe even a bit detached.

 

Otherwise not only is this one over but you're going to find your future relationships to be a struggle as well.

 

Be strong. Or at least, pretend to be strong.

[weathergirl]

Sedrick I like your style! Great advice.......

[mcscruff]

-I have been No Contact for 3 full days and she texts me at (12 AM) on Saturday, pictures of all her work she was doing for the bridal shower, pics of her friends text praising her work, and she says she "has to share it with me (smiley face)", "that i had helped her through it".

 

-I saw the text later that morning (7 am) when i woke up and I responded basically that it was coming out nicely. She said thanks and no further contact after that from me or her, so far.

 

 

Not sure what to make of this if anything (don't want to read into something that may not be there). I don't recall physically helping her with any of her bridal shower stuff, so i'm not sure what she meant about "helping" her. I'm guessing emotional support when we were together prior to the breakup? Dunno

 

My thinking/mentality is if i broke up with someone to the extent of cold shouldering them & wanting all my stuff back, i wouldn't care to share stuff like this with them (personal successes, , etc, especially after midnight) nor would i expect them to be concerned about it, since they are technically no longer a part of my life, so to speak...

 

I'm maintaining No Contact from my end and not pushing the talk/meeting on her since i left that ball in her court.

[mhowe]

Make nothing of it.

[weathergirl]

mcscruff wrote:

 

>>I hate that i have to wait until after Sunday to talk to her in person..

 

============================

 

Just wondering if you've had that "talk" yet. You posted she texted you sending you pics etc. -- sounds like she's starting to miss you!

 

I am wondering now if she just felt overwhelmed with everything (including your developing RL). And needed some breathing room! It happens.

 

When we feel anxiety and panic, people often utilize the "fight or flight" response. Her behavior (the way you described anyway) made it appear like she was feel very anxious…. almost in a panic. I mean the way she just suddenly dumped you out of the blue and then running off instead of picking up her stuff.

 

Instead of staying and discussing it “the fight response” she chose to run away (temporarily) – the “flight” response.

 

IDK, just speculating. I learned this stuff from many years of therapy but who knows!

[mcscruff]

mcscruff wrote:

 

>>I hate that i have to wait until after Sunday to talk to her in person..

 

============================

 

Just wondering if you've had that "talk" yet. You posted she texted you sending you pics etc. -- sounds like she's starting to miss you!

 

I am wondering now if she just felt overwhelmed with everything (including your developing RL). And needed some breathing room! It happens.

Thanks for the follow up weather girl. I still haven't talked to her nor have we set another firm meet date after it was postponed until after her bridal shower this past Sunday. Everything is still in limbo.

 

I got the same impression as you, when she sent me all the pictures at midnight on Friday re: the work she was doing for the bridal shower . Just feel like I'm in a pool of mixed signals from her.

 

Everything can easily be clarified with a simple conversation with her whether it be "done" or another chance. I'm just trying not to be pressuring her about it and potentially drive her away. Drives me nuts because I want to either move on or move forward.

 

I feel like I've shown/ told her how I feel about her and she knows where i stand (which is with her). The ball is in her court

[weathergirl]

Absolutely! Stay with those thoughts. If she wants to talk...SHE will contact you. If not, continue doing what you're doing.

 

However, if she continues sending you ambiguous text messages with no mention of talking...then there will come a point when you should stop responding to her texts and go complete no contact. She DID break up with you after all...and if she has no intention of talking (as she said she did)... then you will need to move on.

 

Going no contact is he best way to move forward with doing that.

[mcscruff]

As time passes, i'm starting to feel more bitter/angry rather than sad, more so for the disrespect she showed me when she came at me cold to get her stuff, as if i had cheated on her or did something terrible to her (without a talk/explanation from her to date, i can only go off of feeling disrespected). I can understand relationships don't always work out, and feelings change, but disrespect for no good reason ranks up there in my books. Stuff like this is how walls go up, trust gets lost and relationship dynamics change when /if people try to rekindle relationships.

 

Also, no one is so busy they cant take time or plan time for someone they care about (if they really want to). I am busy with work and school and i make time for people i care about, even if it means i have to pull an all niter to make up the time for other equally important things.

 

 

Also i'm taking the standpoint that if she doesn't want to talk or attempt to even meet with me (even if purely on a "We work together, have our ducks in a row, so as to keep a professional environment"), then i guess she didn't feel there was anything important to discuss between us (as crappy as that sounds).

 

I guess all her actions or lack there of are wearing on my patience, even more so as her time i freed up, since they all seem to indicate a lack of concern or that she is no longer concerned with me.

 

 

venting..

[EJA32]

Going through a simialr situation myself, with an age gap. I too hope that it is down to insecurities but who knows my man.

[mcscruff]

Going through a similar situation myself, with an age gap. I too hope that it is down to insecurities but who knows my man.

 

 

Part of me hopes its just insecurities too and part of me hopes its something else than can easily be rectified. How do you change/effect change in how someone feels about themselves or what their level of thinking/emotions are...You could treat someone the best and give it your all in trying to make them feel less insecure/provide security, but if they don't "feel" that way about themselves it can be like pushing a boulder up a steep hill, especially when they wont seek help from you or others, but rather shut people out and be alone in their struggle.

[EJA32]

My ex has health issues arising from a miscarriage which effectivley end her chances of having a child. I am 28, she has just turned 35 and it seems that she is worried that down the line i will want a child and be out of there. I have reassured her face to face but there isnt much else I can do, I;ve been told to write a letter but unsure if this is the right approach but it could be a way of her having all my feelings in front of her.

 

I dont have any clues for you regarding what to do just sharing my own experiences. My ex seemed to not want to let me down and was very scared of opening up. Hence me wondering if this is similar.

[EJA32]

And forgot to mention my ex has also been let down a lot in her life so is worried about me fdoing hte same. Says stuff like ' i know you mean it now but will you mean it down the line'... that kind of thing, not sure theres any way of getting passed it. She says she still feels the same about me just is wrong timing Hence me wanting to fight for her.

[amongthestars]

OP, I just actually joined this forum to say that I'm in almost this EXACT situation. We had been going out for almost 7 months when my girlfriend started to get a little distant. She's sort of in "crisis mode" as weathergirl put it, due to working multiple jobs, trying to find something that she's passionate about, etc. We are a distance relationship, but that never factored into the stress part of it. It actually worked to our advantage since we are both goal oriented and had things we wanted to do. Anyway, she started withdrawing from me, family and friends about two weeks before we broke it off. After apologizing for being selfish lately, realizing it wasn't fair to me, I decided to give her the space she needed since she's the type that likes to deal with problems alone. Our break up conversation was almost identical. At any rate, I'm hearing that she is having a really rough time with all of this and that I'll be hearing from her soon. I've also heard from friends that there isn't anyone else in my situation. It's really just her and how she's trying to deal with all of these feelings, thoughts and emotions. It will be a month this week since we've spoke. I've reached out a time or two to let her know that I'm okay, I hope she is too and I'll be able to talk whenever she's ready. I know that I love her with all of my heart, even though she might have some emotional issues. I'm planning on approaching the whole thing with the attitude of "take things one day at a time and let the relationship work itself out." That should remove some of the stress from the situation. I'll be following along to see how this turns out for you. I'm hoping the best for both of us.

 

Weathergirl, I appreciated reading your insight. I've heard from people that she's never felt this way for anyone before and it kind of stirred up emotions that she wasn't ready to feel, or hadn't felt yet. I'm hoping my situation works out like yours. The last month has been constructive for me and I've learned a lot. If you have any other advice on how I should approach things, I'd love to hear it. I've only reached out twice over the past month.

[weathergirl]

Okay to vent... I know first hand it definitely helps. ((hugs))

 

Also, I think your anger is completely warranted and justified, given the way she is handling (and has handled) this entire situation. When you first posted about it, I had suspected she was having a minor (or major) freak out due to feeling anxious, insecure, etc. But now I think she's just being cold and completely insensitive and disrespectful.

 

Even assuming her feelings changed so suddenly, it certainly does not justify how she chose to handle ending it with you, anxiety or no anxiety. Showed a complete lack of respect for you and the RL you both shared together, however brief it was. It was cold.

 

I for one am glad you are getting angry. Everything happens for a reason, and this incident certainly sheds a different light into who she is, how she handles conflicts, etc.

 

If it were me, even IF she wanted to come back... I would think long and hard before agreeing to it.

[elireid]

I definitely think she's just dealing with some stress-related issues. She's feeling overwhelmed with her responsibilities, and suddenly the fact that she cares deeply for you has made her even more overwhelmed. It seems that based on the fact that she left her stuff at your house still indicates that she's not ready to let you go. I would let her come to you when she's ready to talk - I know it's really hard to try to get some resolution out of the situation, but in my experience if men I've dated just give me the space I need I tend to come around. Maybe once this wedding shower is over she'll be able to relax a bit. Does she have any underlying issues with commitment? Sometimes people with divorced parents can have severe reactions to the possibility of being vulnerable to someone. Just a thought. I hope this works out for you, it sucks losing someone you really care about.

[mcscruff]

Thanks for the perspective "elireid". Yeah, it has been really hard for me to be no contact or not want to talk to her/with her (especially when i see her at work). Shes given me so many conflicting actions/gestures. Nothing feels clear cut and all i can do is hope for the best and try not do something that will push her further away(while trying to move forward/get my mind right trying to operate on the assumption that it IS really done.). i am a very patient person and can wait, but she hasn't given me any clear messages, which is the hardest part. I am unaware of any commitment issues from her past. I never really asked her in too much depth about her previous relationships, because it didn't matter, nor did she ask about my past relationships in depth.

 

Ive been preoccupying myself with work, gym, school, which is what i did before we broke up anyways, just my mind does trail in and out about her between anger, frustration...,etc, so its hard to concentrate on being productive.

[EDLS]

You're in the anger stage of grief. I can relate. I'm bouncing between them all still after a sudden breakup.

 

Do you still have her things? If so, and you work together, how about a show of strength by bringing her things to work? Instead of waiting around for her to make time for you, why not make a statement? Your statement is: it's over and I'm going to be just fine.

 

I did this with my ex. I had his things all packed up the day he broke up with me, and I gave them to him with a friendly and nonchalant attitude the next time I saw him. He was caught off guard and he stopped being able to look at me. He could no longer make eye contact. If someone is breaking up with you, why would the exchange of things be a shock? He still hasn't given me back my things from his place. Noticing a theme? Sudden breakup, lingering connections via possessions?

 

This woman is deeply conflicted and there is nothing that you can do about that. What you do have control over is yourself. You've already told her that you care for her and didn't want this, and you don't really need to say anything else. She broke up with you and - even though it hurts - the best way of resolving this in the long term is to accept it and take it her word. Otherwise, even if you manage to convince her to stay in the relationship, she's always going to have a foot out the door. If you reunite, she's got to chase you and want it. Otherwise, things don't have a shot for the long run.

 

Accept that you can't do anything to make this better, then accept her as she is today (not who you want her to be!), and accept that your relationship as you knew it is over. No one knows the future, but today, it is over. Show her that you accept that via your actions. Accepting and respecting her decision is very zen of you, and it's... well, it's reality. You have to be able to pull it off, though. Remember fun confident you and get that guy back. Even though it doesn't feel like it, you are going to be okay no matter what happens with this girl. Other women will want you, heck, they even want you right now. You have options - even if your heart isn't in it. Many of those options might treat you better than this. So start acting like that guy. Fun, friendly, and is comfortable enough with himself and his life that getting broken up with and returning her things ain't no thang.

 

Doing this will take much of the pressure off of her, it will make her worry that her behavior will cause her to lose you, because it is unexpected behavior from you. It is EXACTLY what might snap her out of this.

 

Right now, she knows you're there on a shelf and she can take her sweet time figuring this out. She has no incentive to end this limbo for you, so make the decision for her - you will accept the breakup, you are single, and you are going to kindly give her back her things. Then go cold. (Not actually cold, just indifferent when you see her. Like you'd treat any coworker. "Yeah, how 'bout that weather? Gotta go write that TPS report.")

 

After she gets over the shock, she will want to have that "talk." Don't do it. It will just be her checking to see if you are still there for her. Say "You know, I thought I needed that but I don't. You broke up with me and I respect your decision." Then wait it out a little longer. Let it percolate with her longer that you are single and okay with it, and I'm going to guess that she will come running.

 

This will feel SO wrong, but it's your only shot with a wishy-washy woman like this. You have the added problem of being a man, and as a woman I will attest to the fact that we will take advantage of a guy when he allows us to treat him badly. So stop it. Stand up for what you deserve and you'll have the best chance of getting it.

 

Don't put energy into emotionally supporting someone who would not do it for you. Standing by faithfully works when you're in a relationship, it doesn't when you're not in one. You're not in one.

[mcscruff]

Thanks EDLS, i have actually been thinking of doing something like this ( lately), in the next week or so (only delaying because i have a Masters final exam and paper due in the coming week and right now my head is as clear as it will be, given the situation. I dont need any new potential mind storms brewing out of her reaction to getting her stuff back or lack of reaction). I was either going to leave her stuff with her friend (she rents/lives in the pool house of her friends house) or doing as you say and do a hand off during lunch or after work one so its offsite (our relationship is on the down low at work, for obvious professional reasons).

[EDLS]

Thanks EDLS, i have actually been thinking of doing something like this ( lately), in the next week or so (only delaying because i have a Masters final exam and paper due in the coming week and right now my head is as clear as it will be, given the situation. I dont need any new potential mind storms brewing out of her reaction to getting her stuff back or lack of reaction). I was either going to leave her stuff with her friend (she rents/lives in the pool house of her friends house) or doing as you say and do a hand off during lunch or after work one so its offsite (our relationship is on the down low at work, for obvious professional reasons).

 

Gotcha.

 

The key is to do it without warning. Just a nonchalant email like "Hey, I gave all of your stuff to ." or right before the end of the day "Hey, I have all of your things packed up in my car. Meet me out there so I can give them back to you."

 

Good luck on your exam and paper. I'm glad you're prioritizing those.

[mcscruff]

After a few consistent days of her texting me randomly, small talk type stuff (nothing serious, but came accross as how she would text me when we were together) and seemingly acting warmer towards me at work (i.e. actually looking at me, not avoiding me). Since she seems to be opening back up to me in terms of communications, i saw a potential "in" and took a chance and I asked her, if hungry, if she was interested in quick dinner (Panera Bread), something informal, for tonight after work. She agreed and said she would love to. Not sure what to expect. I am approaching it as if expecting nothing out of it. There have been no serious discussions about anything to date and i will leave it at that unless she takes it there. I am not going to assume that we are even going to discuss anything serious.

 

I don't want to be her friend, so if that's how she is approaching it, i will shut it down there. By the way she has been texting me, its either from old habits or something else, i.e. shes testing the waters...

 

Hoping for the best, expecting the nothing(so as not to mess with my mind)

[Ms Darcy]

I think whatever you do don't let her be wishy washy and drag this out.