She Dumped Me With Mixed Signals. Now what?

[mcscruff]

Background:

Been dating a co-worker for about 4 months. I'm 30 y/o, shes 36. Both mature individuals. Everything was going great, effortless almost. Great intimacy and chemistry.(Both act professionally at work, no issues there).I am not a clingy/needy guy and have my own stuff going on as she does, so we aren't smothering each other.

 

She has also been swamped lately with an important work project and planning her friends wedding shower.

 

We went to the beach 2 weekends ago, had a great time.

Week after that i had to study for exams so we didn't get to hang out. Had a quick dinner that Sunday, since i wanted to see her, and she seemed like she was in a rush.

 

Last week she was basically non responsive to my texts/calls. Having been broken up with before in past relationships i know the signs. So i asked her to go out Friday night, but that either way, i wanted to talk to her about something. (to force a conversation, if necessary, knowing well that it would force the breakup).

 

She tells me she cant go out that night, but if we can talk Saturday. Fine.

 

She calls me Friday night about 11pm and i ask her about her week, wedding shower progress etc. Then, since she sounded weird on the phone, if she was okay? She basically said look its not working out, if you want to talk we can tonight, i am close by. I said sure,(i acted very neutral and indifferent). She came over, i give her a hug when she walks in, (she is super cold to me, no hug or handshake back). I said have a seat (since i expected we were going to talk). She basically says i don't want to sit, i just want to get my things and go. I say "wow, really?". She gives me back my house key and I go to gather her stuff, and she starts balling/crying uncontrollably, and she goes outside the front door. After 5-10 minutes of packing her stuff, i go to look for her. Her car is gone and she is nowhere to be found. She left without taking her stuff. I call her, no response. I text her, where she went? She says home. So i say, i thought you wanted your stuff. She texts me a picture of some email praising her hard work that she got from her boss. I congratulate her (while thinking you want me to share in your success but are kicking me to the curb?)

 

-She tells my that she was sorry, she couldn't stop crying.

-I respond, why are you crying if this is what you wanted (breaking up with me)

-She basically says her heart is broken and she cant do it

-That she is sorry and she cant be in a relationship with me, because she is weak

-I tell her that i love her and get she had the world on her shoulders, but that i was more than willing to give the space she needed to take care of her obligations and that all she had to do was communicate with me.(i've been in that situation, where you feel like you are backed into a corner)

-She responds, she knows, and that her heart hurts because i am so amazing and understanding, but that she is not the one for me and is deeply sorry about that

-I ask her what she meant when she said she was "weak"

-she responds she is a complete mess, it hurts and her heart is not strong anymore and cant handle this anymore.

-She says she feels weak and worthless and shes sorry she let me down.

 

 

 

Any advice. I have no expectation of getting back together. But was she overwhelmed from everything else?

 

-why was she fine 2 weeks ago, but all of a sudden cold? Just mixed signals over the last 2 weeks, sending me in a whirlwind. Why sleep over at my place in the last couple weeks, if these are the feelings you are harboring.

 

I am not contacting her, although i will see her at work at least once a day.

 

BTW i still have all her stuff, and I would have figured she would have contacted me to get it by now (only been 2 days), since she wanted to when she broke up with me Friday night.

 

 

 

Update:

-I texted her Sunday, that I hated how things ended via text on Friday. And to let her know I was never in it for the short term with her and that I definitely see long term with her. Also that I accept her as she is and that she is an extraordinary woman.

-She said she was sorry for how she made me feel, when I told her I felt like someone was sitting on my chest.

-I told her if there is a chance for "US", I’m going to fight tooth and nail for it and would like to get together and have a real open talk with no holds barred or expectations.

-She responded a couple hours after, that she CAN get together with me. Since she has a lot to do with her friend’s bridal shower still and we agreed on meeting Tuesday.

 

I have no idea what to expect, if anything.

 

I am certainly hopeful that we are going to have a “real” talk and not an impersonal text marathon. I was hoping the meet would have been today, but I guess it gives me another day or so to peg down what I want to say/torture myself with the uncertainty and pray for the net positive.

 

She texted me Monday during work asking how i was doing. She made small talk and I kept it short giving her the supposed space she needs

 

Tuesday-she texted me the AM that should probably couldn't make the meeting, b/c she was still hectic with work and stuff for her friends upcoming bridal shower she is coordinating. I told her i prefer we have a talk when she inst stressed or rushed. So i suggested after her Shower this weekend and she agreed. So the get together is now in limbo.

 

 

Any advice on any of the above.

[mhowe]

Her "I am weak" comment makes me think she got together with someone else in your time apart.

[PaintWithLight]

All this happened after just 4 months together? You need to take a breath and get some perspective. I think your shared experiences at work gave this relationship more traction than it deserved. She had a key to your house? 4 months and you are handling out keys? This seems a little rushed.

 

Do not make the mistake of reviewing her actions over the past several weeks and adding your own ironic commentary. This will not help. She left this relationship way before the break up conversation. I know it stings but she decided she wanted her freedom over being with you.

 

Go straight into NC and forget about fighting for her tooth and nail. She made her decision.

[weathergirl]

Wow, this is a toughee.

 

>>-She basically says her heart is broken and she cant do it... that she's weak.

 

Who broke her heart? You? Another guy? Maybe you should ask her. If you broke her heart, ask her how?

 

Women are funny sometimes. We can be ultra sensitive when we're starting to really fall for a guy. I remember with my boyfriend of five years, I ended it with him too way back in the beginning. I don't even know why... I guess I was really starting to fall in love with him, and conjured up in my brain that he didn't feel the same. Probably over something stupid like he didn't text me enough or wasn't responsive to me enough. Completely irrational and made no sense.

 

He was strong like you and very perceptive and basically kept reassuring me that he loved me. I ended up telling him why I felt insecure and he actually made the effort to act in ways that made me feel more secure...without going overboard!

 

I think the beginning of RLs are difficult because there is so much uncertainty. Neither person knows how the other feels, and we play all these guessing games with ourselves about it. When we start to fall in love, our self-protective sides come out swinging and IDK out of fear, anxiety, we impulsively end it. It's completely irrational and makes no sense....but that's what love sometimes does to us. It causes us to act crazy sometimes.

 

I hope you DO get together and that she explains what the heck is going on with her, like I did with my boyfriend. If I had to take a wild guess, I would say she's scared of getting hurt...and for some reason unbeknownst to YOU... you have somehow hurt her (broken her heart)...and she feels weak and helpless and just wants it to all go away.

[ThatwasThen]

Her "I am weak" comment made me think that she's too stressed out to be able to juggle a relationship and everything else that is going on in her life and since she knows she has you sewed up, she can safely put you on a shelf until she's ready to play girlfriend again.

 

In any event, I think you'd do well to ask her about the comment because if there is someone else in the picture, you don't want to be holding a light in the window for her, surely.

 

Let us know how your convo goes.

[weathergirl]

She tells my that she was sorry, she couldn't stop crying.

-I respond, why are you crying if this is what you wanted (breaking up with me)

-She basically says her heart is broken and she cant do it

-That she is sorry and she cant be in a relationship with me, because she is weak

-I tell her that i love her and get she had the world on her shoulders, but that i was more than willing to give the space she needed to take care of her obligations and that all she had to do was communicate with me.(i've been in that situation, where you feel like you are backed into a corner)

-She responds, she knows, and that her heart hurts because i am so amazing and understanding, but that she is not the one for me and is deeply sorry about that

-I ask her what she meant when she said she was "weak"

-she responds she is a complete mess, it hurts and her heart is not strong anymore and cant handle this anymore.

-She says she feels weak and worthless and shes sorry she let me down.

 

=================================================

This is not the behavior of a woman who met another guy during the one weekend you were apart. Not IMO anyway. This is a women in crisis mode. Ultra-sensitive, irrational, not thinking clearly.... not making any sense. Came to fetch her things and then suddenly and emotionally left without them.

 

IDK... if she's anything like me....she's fallen madly in love with you and has a serious case of "I'm not good enough for him." And/or "he deserves better than a girl like me." She could be as beautiful as Venus de Milo and have everything going for her...but for reasons only SHE knows, she feels insecure with you.

 

It happens when we start to have very strong feelings for a guy and we're afraid of getting hurt. Suddenly every little insecurity we ever had pops us and our first inclination is to want to run.

 

I am NOT saying this is what's happening...but it's exactly what happened to me....so I know it does happen and it's a "possibility" that this is what's happening with her too.

[mhowe]

Ahhhh...if she has fallen "madly in love with you" in 4 months...she isn't dealing from a full deck.

 

And if work and the shower planning has over loaded her circuit to this degree...she isn't good at handling stress.

 

Wait for an explanation... But proceed with caution. Red flags are flying.

[ThatwasThen]

No offence weathergirl however and in my opinion that ^^^ goes back to being unable to balance a relationship and her life.

 

Then if that's the case, Op I think you're better off without her. You don't need someone who is afraid you are going to abandon her so she abandons you first. That's an issue that she needs to deal with before she can be in a relationship with ANYONE... not just you.

[weathergirl]

Ahhhh...if she has fallen "madly in love with you" in 4 months...she isn't dealing from a full deck.And if work and the shower planning has over loaded her circuit to this degree...she isn't good at handling stress.

 

Wait for an explanation... But proceed with caution. Red flags are flying.

 

Re bold...I would agree with you about that... I certainly wasn't at the time either! Love does crazy things to us sometimes. Not for everyone, but for some of us overly-emotional types, yes it does cause us to act crazy and irrational sometimes. It does pass once we feel more secure in the RL. As I said, those early stages often times wreak havoc with our emotions... due to all the "uncertainty.

 

Let us know how it all turns out mcscrff!

[mcscruff]

We actually spent a lot of time together the last 3-4 months. Several days a week actually. We also got close studying together prior to dating.

 

Hopefully its not someone else, because that would be really sh*tty for her to find someone within a week or so of everything supposedly being fine between us and if so why the fascade.

 

I've experienced a few situations with her where she does get overwhelmed and overly emotional from stress (she sort of piles onto herself).

 

I know i may have forced her hand when she was the most stressed/busiest last week, which led to her making a rash decision. again she came over( ice cold to me) to get her stuff Friday night and left balling/crying uncontrollably without her stuff.

 

This is why i hate when people do breakups over text/big conversations over text. So much confusion/lost in translation/lost emotion/feedback.

 

I've broken up with women before but i had enough balls to sit them down in person, eye to eye as a sign of respect, and give them the truth.

 

The impression she has given me about her heart is broken is that "i'm amazingly understanding..." but she "cant be in a relationship with me...", not sure if shes just trying to nicely say get lost or what...

(ive never cheated on her or treated her badly in any way)

 

But then what was confusing was why share her work accolades with me (share her success with me but kicked me to the curb 10 minutes earlier).

 

Also why delay the "talk" or have any talk for that matter and leave her stuff, if she truly just didn't want to be done with me.

 

Im really trying not to read to deeply into a mindset i have no idea to begin to comprehend, but the uncertainty is killing.

 

Mind clusterf*k central

 

Also i can deal with emotionally stressed people/ high maintenance. I am one of those people who nothing stresses me out (have very good stress management skills (gym) & mental strength etc), not even other peoples stress. The only thing that ever throws me off balance, through a loop, are breakups, they are so mentally and physically draining for me)

[weathergirl]

No offence weathergirl however and in my opinion that ^^^ goes back to being unable to balance a relationship and her life.

 

Then if that's the case, Op I think you're better off without her. You don't need someone who is afraid you are going to abandon her so she abandons you first. That's an issue that she needs to deal with before she can be in a relationship with ANYONE... not just you.

 

No worries ThatwasThen....not offended in the least I won't disagree with you either...not at all. You are absolutely right! All I can say is that I am so glad my boyfriend stuck it out with me, because my insecurities and inability to balance my emotions, my RL and my life didn't last. We're going on five years now...and things are really good between us, and have been for a very long time.

 

Again, it was only while in the "uncertainty" stage I felt this way.

[ThatwasThen]

No worries ThatwasThen....not offended in the least I won't disagree with you either...not at all. You are absolutely right! All I can say is that I am so glad my boyfriend stuck it out with me, because my insecurities and inability to balance my emotions, my RL and my life didn't last. We're going on five years now...and things are really good between us, and have been for a very long time.

 

Again, it was only while in the "uncertainty" stage I felt this way.

Well, I hope she's as able to turn herself around as quickly as you did You didn't break up with your boyfriend though, did you?

[weathergirl]

Well, I hope she's as able to turn herself around as quickly as you did You didn't break up with your boyfriend though, did you?

 

Yes I did... it was in the very beginning, around 3 months in. I told him I couldn't be with him anymore and I was sorry. I was very emotional and pretty upset. Just three days prior we were making all these plans together...it really threw him for a loop.

 

It was a long time ago, and all I can really remember is me feeling like he didn't care that much and feeling very insecure, like I wasn't good enough for him and he should be with someone "better" than I was. Someone prettier, smarter, just "better." It really broke my heart to end it, but I felt like I had to do it. Crazy, right?

 

Not even sure why I felt that way, there was no rhyme or reason to it. But he stuck it out with me, reassured me a bit without going overboard and we worked it out.

 

I do remember now though...that I had a lot on my plate and like the OP, he felt he needed to give me "space." Because that is what HE would need when feeling overwhelmed... so he figured that it what I needed to. But what *I* needed was for him to be there for me emotionally, because what happened was... him giving me all this "space" caused me to feel off balance, insecure and and like he didn't care all that much.

 

That is why communication is so important. We ended up discussing all of it and worked it out. It was a brief freak out on my part. Being a pretty emotional person, I still have the occasional twinges of insecurity or whatevs...but I know what triggers it so I don't burden him with my little freak outs anymore...

[freewill1234]

The smacks of someone else in the mix. Seen it too many times. Someone goes cold towards someone else and cries out of guilt. I wouldn't push this anymore and leave it alone as hard as it might be for you. GO NC and leave her be. Trying to figure out a person whose confused is just too damn confusing. Sounds like you're in that situation.

[weathergirl]

>>Week after that i had to study for exams so we didn't get to hang out

 

mscruff.. so it was you who told her you couldn't hang out that weekend? The weekend after spending a glorious weekend with her at the beach?

 

And it was immediately after that weekend that she started pulling back and acting cold?

 

Could it be she thought you had something else going on (not studying for exams) and THAT is why you could not see her for the entire weekend?

 

It is possible she may have started feeling really insecure after that.... thinking that YOU were somehow pulling back and just using the needing to study as an excuse?

 

Just playing devil’s advocate here, tis all. Because remember...it's still early in your RL...still in that uncertainty stage when we're not sure how the other feels....and it's not uncommon for our emotions to wreak havoc while in this stage.

[mhowe]

??? So her insecurity causing her to believe HE is lying to her?

[Ms Darcy]

It may be that she's busy. But it also may be that she's just not feeling right about the relationship. A hint is feeling guilty about dumping such a nice guy.

[mcscruff]

I had to cram for an exam the entire week, but let her know during that time that i really wanted to see her before the week was done and that i had planned to see her once done. The weekend of the exam we had dinner, and that was when she was really quick and i first started taking note of her demeanor towards me. She herself was actually busy with a friends kids party that Saturday and shower planning all day Sunday. I was actually never invited to the kids party prior to me telling my plan of studying, but that is just splitting hairs (i have taken her meet to some of my close friends before at friends events, so ive never made her feel as if i was ashamed of her or anything like that). She also had to work late during that week for her work project, so it worked out in a way (or maybe it didnt?)

[mcscruff]

I had to cram for an exam the entire week, but let her know during that time that i really wanted to see her before the week was done and that i had planned to see her once done. The weekend of the exam we had dinner, and that was when she was really quick and i first started taking note of her demeanor towards me. She herself was actually busy with a friends kids party that Saturday and shower planning all day Sunday. I was actually never invited to the kids party prior to me telling my plan of studying, but that is just splitting hairs (i have taken her meet to some of my close friends before at friends events, so ive never made her feel as if i was ashamed of her or anything like that). She also had to work late during that week for her work project, so it worked out in a way (or maybe it didnt?)

[Realitynut]

Ahhhh...if she has fallen "madly in love with you" in 4 months...she isn't dealing from a full deck.

 

My ex-husband proposed to me after one month! (crazy...i know) His NOW wife...he married after 8 mo. and super happy!

My sister's husband told her he thought he was falling in love with her after the second date.....she wasn't sure if she even LIKED him 'that way' yet!

My gf and her husband got married after 4 months...and have been married 45 years.

 

You can EASILY fall head over heels in love by 4 weeks...much less 4 months! It might be the infatuation stage....but it's still love....just the beginning stages..

 

 

BTW...I'm with weathergirl. I HATE guys playing the 'space' card, especially in the early stages. I too think they don't care. Different strokes for different folks. Some want and need lots of space....others if they get that...think they aren't wanted!!

[mcscruff]

I perceived she needed space, especially when she was non responsive to my texts/calls and was brief with a kiss the last time i had seen her (not her normal kiss or behavior towards me) the week before she broke up with me. Small things seemed to add up, when she was being evasive. Everything could have been resolved with a 5 minute conversation/ or simple text saying "hey, i might be unavailable for the next week or so with everything i have on my plate" from her, before it blew up.

 

I would have been fine with that. i have a lot on my plate too with my Masters Degree studies, and work too, but I always make time for personal relationships, even it it means i have to sacrifice sleep to play catch up. Since i wasn't getting a response from her, i knew i had to try and force the issue, so i may have tipped her over the edge by trying to make plans with her the week leading up to the break (wasn't pressuring her, saying we HAD to make plans, just seeing if she would like to).

 

I've done plenty of things for her throughout our relationship to date, that were selfless and thoughtful with no expectation of anything in return, because i care about her and that clearly shows i care for her more that just a person im casually dating.

 

Suspense of having to wait a week to have a "real" talk with her, with so much uncertainty in the air is spinning my brain

[weathergirl]

??? So her insecurity causing her to believe HE is lying to her?

 

Of course! Insecurities cause a slew of problems like mistrust, false accusations, etc.

 

Guess you've never felt insecure with a man, not to the degree some people experience it anyway. Good for you, you're one of the lucky ones.

 

Anyway...it can wreak havoc on our emotions and our relationships. That's precisely why we read so many times of people accusing their SO's of something, like cheating, lying when his/her SO is doing nothing of the sort. It's insecurity and it's not rational, and not healthy.

[mhowe]

Security vs insecurity isn't about "luck".

 

OP --- if your gf is dealing from insecurity, the best thing you can do is direct her towards therapy. Because the root cause of this has nothing to do with you.

[weathergirl]

Security vs insecurity isn't about "luck".

OP --- if your gf is dealing from insecurity, the best thing you can do is direct her towards therapy. Because the root cause of this has nothing to do with you.

 

No kidding...my comment was meant to be tongue-n-cheek.

[Ms Darcy]

I went back and re-read your original post. You are at the great disadvantage of only having your own perception of what happened. So none of us have any idea what is on her mind.

 

I'll start from the perspective of an emotionally healthy woman in her mid to late thirties. If she's planning a wedding shower she's acutely aware that many of her peers are marrying at this stage. And if things are going well, she should be excited and hopeful about your relationship.

 

For an emotionally healthy and stable person. Now if she's not then disregard what I am going to say.

 

But if she is and she's interested in marriage, there is very little likelihood that she would jeopardize a shot at long term because she's busy. Logic says she would just let you know she's busy.

 

The only two reasons I have seen a woman with those characteristics break up with a good guy are 1) she's just not as into you as you are into her and/or 2) she is interested in someone else.

 

Again, take a step back. Look at logic. There has only been one time a female friend left a man because she "freaked out" but she couldn't fully articulate her reasons. Well, three years later she ends up getting married ... to a woman.