LifeasMe Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Hi My bf of ten months lost his job about a month ago. Within a week he had accepted a new position in a city 650 miles away. There was no discussion and he didn't involved me in this decision. He has always had emotional and financial issues. From the beginning he said upfront he didn't want a relationship. I accepted this with the proviso that I would walk away if my feelings changed. That moment occurred after three months and as discussed, I walked away. He instigated a reconciliation on the proviso he would try. Two months later he started having problems at work and needed space. Again, I walked away. Again, he instigated a reconciliation. During discussions he said I was the best thing to happen to him in the last five months. I was very clear that I wanted a relationship and again he agreed this was the way forward. Although not perfect, we talked through his insecurities and I encouraged him through his work issues. I thought we were finally on track. A few months later, he then he lost his job and accepted the position 650 miles away. I believe it was a rash decision made at a time when his insecurities about money and stability resurfaced. He didn't think about the consequences of such a big move or the logistics involved. He is not just leaving me behind, but his daughter from another relationship (not that he is leaving her per se, he is very much time-invested in his daughter). The stress and uncertainty caused him to pull away... I tried to give him space, but my own insecurities about our future caused me to question what would happen to us. He flipped his decision about us from 'I'll have too much going on, it won't work' to 'Okay we can try' to finally after two weeks of not seeing each other him pushing me so far (cancelled another proposed 'date' by ignoring my calls then sending a 3.30am text reply: 'sorry I missed your call, I went clubbing'!!!) that I ended it by text (not mature, but I panicked). He responded by asking me out to dinner the next day. I ignored this, felt guilty and three days later sent an email wishing him well and good luck for the future. He replied a few hours later to invite me round to his flat to pick up some things (I had totally forgot about them). I went to his flat, we talked and he said he felt his feelings weren't strong enough to try to make it work. I didn't beg, plead or try to dissuade him otherwise, rather told him he is not at fault for feeling this way. But... I also laid it out that I didn't want this to end and would be hoping for a while he would change his mind. He talked about staying friends and meeting again before he left, but I explained this would be too hard for me as there were too many feelings involved. I told him I would not contact him again, not because I didn't want to, but because I needed time to move on. It is now only Day 3 NC and I am having a bad day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 >>I went to his flat, we talked and he said he felt his feelings weren't strong enough to try to make it work. Well, that's your answer. If he blows you off to go clubbing, he's already looking for your replacement. Don't try to stay his friend. He's going to be 650 miles away, and he'll be clubbing in his new city and hooking up with new women there. I know this is hard, but he was honest with you about his feelings, and after 10 months he should know whether they are strong enough to continue with the relationship and go to the next level, and if not, it is time to let go. So focus on your healing. You will be fine when you've had some time to process this, and can start looking for someone local when you feel better. Just keep busy and spend time with your friends and family and focus on work and other hobbies to take your mind off it. Time does heal you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeasMe Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 I really don't think it is about replacing me... to put the clubbing bit into perspective, the night before I had gone clubbing with my friends and left my phone at home so I didn't respond to his evening "thinking of you" text. When I let him know I was going skydiving on holiday (with family, not him), he didn't speak to me for three days because he was jealous. I think him going clubbing was another act of misplaced jealousy/resentment. He is feeling like a failure in life by losing his job, not owning his own home and car, etc... his family upbringing has instilled the belief that the measure of your success in life is financial and material security. He feels like he is not being a good father and is upset he is not able to provide financial help to his parents back in his home country. He also said we would be together if he wasn't relocating. His last message was, I never know, he may decide he does want me and that he will let me know how he is getting on. I didn't ask him to stay in touch and I will not be keeping my life on hold for him even though he doesn't see the move as permanent and plans to relocate back here in 1-2 years. I am thinking of this as the end and focusing on the words you highlighted, what he said about his lack of feelings... trying to focus on me... but unfortunately, I am also holding on to that little bit of hope. I have an amazing support network of family and friends who are keeping my calendar full, but he is still in my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Honey all that backstory about him feeling like a failure and family expectations has nothing at all to do with the fact that he just told you he doesn't have sufficient feelings for you to want to continue the relationship. He's just not feeling it, not into you enough to want to carry forward. So don't miss that point. It isn't about his work, it is about his feelings for you, which aren't enough to continue this. And that 'you never know' comment is really ridiculous. That's throwing you a bone on his way out the door, hoping you'll sign up for the role of back up plan just in case he can't find anyone he likes better in his new town. It never ever pays to be someone's back-up plan/second best option. It means he is more than willing to let you go and risk losing you and he's only keeping you around as a backup plan because he doesn't have anyone else firmly in hand yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeasMe Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 Harsh but helpful lol I most definitely won't be his back-up plan, but I also don't think he is looking for another woman... he isn't looking for a relationship period. The backstory was just that, to give you a little more insight to him as a person. That was a conversation I had with him way in the beginning, before any of this happened. There are also more deeper issues at play in terms of his past mental health. But you are right, he doesn't have strong enough feelings to continue. I do accept that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 I think the problem is we use all these other excuses (oh, harsh childhood. oh, worried about his job. oh, doesn't want a relationship period) as a way of reinforcing our denial that you just got dumped. So you're essentially bargaining WITH YOURSELF to try to hold onto the idea that he's coming back because that is what you want. As in: 'oh, once he gets settled in his job he'll be ready for a relationship, and once he gets over his insecurities he'll be ready and he may not want to be with me now but when he decides he wants to be in a relationship he'll think of me and come back.' When the reality is there are so many other possibilities that are just as likely or even more likely given what he's told you. He's basically told you a total deal breaker, that he's not only moving so far away it would be very hard to keep this going, but also that he's just not that into you and would prefer to dump you rather than spend more time with you because he's not that into you. So the other 'excuses' you are giving for the breakup are not the actual reasons he is telling you... you have to be very careful about that because that is denial working, and you are running scenarios that feel a lot safer to you, that he'll be back when he resolves those issues, but the real issue is he's not that into you and doesn't want to put the effort into finding out or pursuing this further. A healthier attitude would be, fine, if he's not feeling it, I'm not going to hang onto any fantasies that he is or might, I'm going to accept what he said and get on with my life. If he miraculously decides he was wrong about his feelings, then he can call me. But I won't hold my breath and I'll accept what he's told me and move on, until told otherwise. And you can tell him exactly that, that you wanted him as a BF and not a 'friend,' so he is welcome to call you if he realizes he made a mistake about his feelings and wants to try to get together, but if not, he needs to respect your right to heal and leave you alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeasMe Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 Oh please don't misinterpret... I'm completely agreeing with you... I am procrastinating and hoping, but not to the extent that my life is on hold. Your last sentence is exactly how I have left it with him. I guess I am still just raw at the moment and missing him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Yes, I know.. it is hard to let go. But it helps and you heal faster if you really shut the door and don't fantasize about him coming back or spend too much time raking over the past and indulging in daydreaming about your fun times and what might happen if only he comes back again. That is what people are trying to tell you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeasMe Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 ... and I am listening... focusing on head over heart I have already got rid of all things 'him', deleted and blocked all communication outlets, etc. etc. After the mess I was following my previous relationship, I'm taking all the right 'steps'... for me that is... not the disillusional 'get him back' path. One day at a time. I am finding this forum helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeasMe Posted November 5, 2014 Author Share Posted November 5, 2014 UPDATE so... he wants me back. After complete NC for two months, I received a distraught 12 minute voicemail, basically him saying I am his everything and he has been an idiot. Problem... I have now started dating someone new. It's not serious but has potential. No idea what the future will hold, but thought I would update. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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