Why Her and Not Me?

[polypopp]

Yes, that age-old problem. But god, it really, really stings.

 

So I met a guy through work, whom I thought we had an instant connection with. We talked, flirted, felt like we could have a conversation about anything. We had a couple of dates, and I thought maybe it was going somewhere. But we never even got to that point. All of a sudden, he went from hot to cold (much like what Katy Perry sung about, haha). No more replies to texts, he was awkward around me at work, no eye contact, he would make rude comments towards me. I got the message pretty quickly he was no longer interested (and maybe it was for the best, a work-place relationship could have been awkward) but I still tried to smooth things over with him so we could at least have some civil communication at work. But he wasn't interested in that either. I don't know what I did to entice such animosity from him. So screw trying to sort things out, if he doesn't want to talk, fine.

 

Fast forward a few weeks later, and I found out he's dating an other girl from work. She's 18, cute, skinny, naive and innocent (for context, this guy and myself are both 26), and yeah, a bit on the dumb side. She not interested in study and hasn't even finished high school. And yet, he really seems to like her, or so it seems. They've been on a few dates now. And yes, I am jealous. Very much so. A part of me can't help but think "really? You'd rather date a teenager?!?!" Not to mention her mother also works at the same organisation, which I find really odd. But maybe I'm just being extra cynical because I am bitter. And yay for me, I get to hear all about how amazing he is and how much he makes her smile, blah blah blah. She confides in me about this stuff, but I haven't yet told her that this guy and myself have hooked up previously. A part of me doesn't want to crush her, and I don't want to appear petty/jealous (admittedly, I am petty and jealous going by this post, but I don't want her to know that!)

 

So not only did he ditch me with no real reason AFAIK, he's also being a at work, and now he's going after a teenager. So begs the question - why her, not me? Is that she is prettier, skinnier, better kisser?? On the other hand, why would I want to be with someone who has proven himself to be an arsehole? Why am I so upset about this whole thing when he clearly isn't interested in me and isn't worth my time? Stupid emotions.

 

Anyways. I'm just having a vent. I'm also looking for some advice, how to deal with this whole situation. Dealing with rejection is hard. It even harder when you have to see that person every day, knowing he has moved on and is now dating someone else from work. Stupid arsehole.

[notalady]

Sounds similar to a situation I had been in years ago. Met a guy at work, hit it off instantly, constant flirting. He didn't ask me out though, saying he doesn't think it's a good idea to have a work place relationship, then a couple of weeks later started dating a 19 year old (he was 28 ), not from our work place though.

 

Long story short, eventually it got through to me that it has nothing to do with us working together, he just prefers her. We were and still are good friends, at one stage he constantly talked about wanting to end it with the girl, saying how immature and naive she is etc. but he never did end up leaving and stayed with her now in a committed relationship. At one stage, I also asked myself, why her? Why not me? Even he himself said how great I am, mature, fun, smart, and how much more emotionally stable I am (she has issues and isn't all that emotionally stable). At one stage he even asked one of his best friends who he should choose, and the friend said to choose me. But no he didn't, he chose her.

 

Then after knowing him for a while, I finally realised, it's not me, it's him. That's the kind of girl he wants, someone immature and naive, that absolutely loves and worships him, someone that needs him and relies on him. And I'm most certainly not that person and he knows that. Maybe he didn't think of it like that, but it was clear that's what was appealing to him, and that's why, as much as he adored me and loves being around me, he could and would never choose to date me.

 

Just a story for you to think about. I hope you too realise that it's not you, it's him. You'll find your guy and he will be better than that.

[panther]

You dated a few times and this probably was enough for him to see you were not a match for him or in the meantime he realised she would be a better match for him. It should have nothing to do with her bein skinny or a teeneager (if it's related to that than he is a very superficial person and you don't want that anyway).

You just dated for a while so it shouldn't be hard to get over this, it's not like he was the love of your life. Of course you are jealous, I would be too.

And if he can't talk to you anymore, honestly, sounds like a coward to me who can't face you because he replaced you for another woman.

 

Don't tell her anything about you having dated him. Stay away from trouble. I would guess this realtionship won't last forever anyway.

[HeartGoesOn]

What makes this so awkward is having to face each other every day, which is the main reason why it's not advisable to date someone whom you work with.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but after only several dates, you obviously set your expectations too high, as well as allowing yourself to get too attached in that short period of time. In any event, I would learn the lesson, and apply it to the future.

[redswim30]

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from. I've been in this situation more times than I care to remember.

 

A guy would act like he was practically in love with me, then date someone else. Often times women I thought were mean, idiots, bimbos, etc.

And yes, it definitely makes you feel like, " WOW! You'd rather date someone who doesn't know that Chicago is a city and not a state over me???"

 

I get that. But here's my advice to you and something that took me a LONG time to learn: STOP. Stop the comparisons. And stop feeling like his decision is a reflection of your self-worth.

 

His choice is a reflection of HIM, not you.

 

I get it, trust me. But one day I woke up and said to myself, " You know, the fact that the guy WANTS a dumb woman over a smart one says a LOT about him. It says that he doesn't respect a woman's intelligence, it shows that he thinks of women as objects not people, and it shows that he wants a woman who will just blindly follow him instead of thinking for herself. And when I think about that, I realize that I DESERVE better than a man who thinks that way or wants those things."

 

Women in general need to stop with the comparisons. The truth is we can't assume that these men are thinking in the same terms as we are. It isn't about who is "prettier" or "smarter" or "funnier"- it's about what that particular man wants in that particular time of his life. And NOT a reflection of your worth.

 

I understand the disappointment. But brush yourself off and wait for the guy who is WORTHY of your attention.

[ParisPaulette]

That my dear is an age-old question that no one has the answer to really. Not even him. The fact is this wasn't a relationship, just a few dates. He saw you weren't a match and moved on. Whatever his reasons it isn't because the other girl is anything better than you, just simply that whatever he's looking for is what she has at the moment. Keeping in mind of course that tomorrow she may well be the one on here typing, "Why her instead of me?"

 

I"m sure there are guys who have wondered the same thing about you, could you answer them truthfully if they asked that to your face--why did you date him and not me? You might be able to and then again you might not. Comparing yourself isn't even fair since there will always be someone that's more of this or less of that than you are. And none of those superficial reasons are why two people stay together in the first place.

 

And word of advice--take your time and date around, don't go getting sold on the very first guy who says or does the right things for a couple of dates since that's moving way too fast and you don't even know each other yet. More dates, not less gives you a better perspective on what and who is out there and it pulls you out of the "I must make it work with this one guy even if he's not the right one for me, because i don't even know what kind of breakfast cereal he likes yet or if he's a closet slob or collector of all things unicorn."

[broski1]

I think somehow something about you wore off on him and he got eventually annoyed and tried to call it quits. He's moved on to a younger girl because he believes that she is potentially a better date partner than you (in his opinion). Yeah and you think dealing with rejection is hard? Try dealing with it when the girl you like doesn't even want to DATE you!!

 

Don't worry, I think that how she keeps confiding in you about him is what keeps you interested. If you just move on to something else, leave him behind in your life, and try not to talk about him - time will take care of everything. And the real man of your dreams who isn't an arsehole will be thankful for it, and you'll forget all about that jerk.

[polypopp]

You dated a few times and this probably was enough for him to see you were not a match for him or in the meantime he realised she would be a better match for him. It should have nothing to do with her bein skinny or a teeneager (if it's related to that than he is a very superficial person and you don't want that anyway).

You just dated for a while so it shouldn't be hard to get over this, it's not like he was the love of your life. Of course you are jealous, I would be too.

And if he can't talk to you anymore, honestly, sounds like a coward to me who can't face you because he replaced you for another woman.

 

Don't tell her anything about you having dated him. Stay away from trouble. I would guess this realtionship won't last forever anyway.

 

Good point. Rationally, I know its not that hard to get over. And really, I am over it, in a way. Guy is an arse and you are right, I don't really want to date him anyway. I just wish he didn't have to date someone else from work, so I still hear all about how 'amazing' he is. Blah. I would say he replaced me with a teenager, rather than woman, the girl is into Justin Bieber and wants a teddy bear for her birthday. Ugh.

[polypopp]

Thank you for that advice, redswim. You are so right. And the girl is dumb, she thought Melbourne was in QLD (I'm from Australia, so even if geography wasn't your strong point, you'd think you know where the capital cites are. But I digress). I do need to stop with the comparisons. I have a long history of comparing myself with others, even my own sisters. It's something I am working on.

[polypopp]

Wow, that story is scarily similar notalady! That also describes the girl this guy is now dating. She would do anything for him and is impressed by anything he does. I am not that easily impressed either. He seems to be happy to do the bare minimum when it comes to dating her.

 

HeartGoesOn, you are right, I did set my expectations too high. I tend to do that. This guy would give me some attention, and then bam, I get attached, I think this is great, the guy I like actually likes me back! Never mind the fact I don't know him that well and we work together. I have definitely learnt my lesson for the future.

 

ParisPaulette, thank you for your wise words

[polypopp]

I think somehow something about you wore off on him and he got eventually annoyed and tried to call it quits. He's moved on to a younger girl because he believes that she is potentially a better date partner than you (in his opinion). Yeah and you think dealing with rejection is hard? Try dealing with it when the girl you like doesn't even want to DATE you!!

 

Don't worry, I think that how she keeps confiding in you about him is what keeps you interested. If you just move on to something else, leave him behind in your life, and try not to talk about him - time will take care of everything. And the real man of your dreams who isn't an arsehole will be thankful for it, and you'll forget all about that jerk.

 

Yeah, good point. I wish she wouldn't confide in me, but I don't have the heart to tell her I really don't want to hear it. I am terrible like that. Even acting disinterested doesn't seem to deter her. Oh well. She is 18, maybe something new and shiny will attract her interest.

[ChiBrunette]

It's never a good idea to compare yourself to the other woman. At the end of the day, I think it comes down to compatibility.

 

You had a handful of dates, and you weren't a match.

 

He did you a favor. He could've strung you along, but he didn't.

 

My boyfriend and I went through this.

He had an ex gf resurface before he met me, told her he wasn't sure he was looking for a relationship - meets me, and everything changed.

 

I'm not better than her, but I'm not her. I'm different, I have my own educational background, my own set of traits... and for whatever reason, those just appealed to him more. and here we are.

 

Dont beat yourself up with comparisons. It's not worth it and it wont do you any good.

 

She did that - but she emailed me. "Why are you better? What makes you so great?" It got really crazy ... and in the end, she felt worse.

 

Consider this your blesssing, dont compare yourself to her, and dont belittle her out of spite and jealousy... shes just different. and your mr right is out there somewhere. (: