littlelamb Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Hi all, could really use some feedback and advice from you all... My boyfriend and I have been together since last November. Since mid-May, I have been home from college working for the summer. I'm not rich, and I am funding my way through college, so working is a necessity. Now, my bf lives and works in my college town...about 3000km away (we're 28 & 29--I'm a grad student). We've been long-distance for the past little while, but we've maintained steady communication. I'm going back to college in less the 2 weeks. This morning on the phone my bf asked when my flight was arriving. As soon as I told him he said "oh I might have a meeting at work then so I can't pick you up." My bf owns his house, I have my own apartment accross town. When I suggested I come stay until my sub letter moves out (at most 3 days, he'll be at work, I'll be up at the university most of the time) he immediately snapped "well you can only stay with me if you have absolutely no where else to go." He went on to say it was putting to much pressure on us, we need to think about our future and where things are going and he can't do that with me around... I was really hurt and disappointed by his statements. I didn't ask to move in, I just wanted to spend some time hanging out cause we've been apart for so long! Is he just trying to work up the courage to dump me? Should I just dump his over-thinking ass and look for someone who actually wants to spend time with me? What's your take on this? Thank you for reading! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lerenard Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Seems like he has somebody else, or he doesn't want to get serious with you, so he keeps you away. It doesn't sound like he is in love with you all that much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigKK Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Yup let him go, you didn't ask to move in, you wanted to spend a few evenings with him. I think his defensiveness about you shows his true feelings about the relationship already...no additional thinking required. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weathergirl Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Is he just trying to work up the courage to dump me? Sounds like he already has dumped you...without actually having to tell you. Should I just dump his over-thinking ass and look for someone who actually wants to spend time with me? What's your take on this? If it were me, I would assume it's over, go no contact him, and move on. If he attempts to contact you, ignore him. I realize some people might not agree with this approach (some might)....but sometimes things are just so blatently obvious that's it's best to just move on. However, if he does contact you... again if it were me, I might just tell him it's not working out and wish him the best. Then leave quietly and never look back, and yes try to find someone who actually gives a shyt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Why would you break up with him and not tell him? What a passive aggressive way to conduct one's life in my not so humble opinion. If you aren't at the end of your rope with this guy due to his apparently under-valuing you, then have a discussion with him about how his attitude made/makes you feel and then figure out from what he has to say if he's going to try and remedy. If he isn't then by all means leave him after telling him that you're done and why you are. Good luck whatever your decision or the outcome of your conversation happens to be. Just know this, if you have no discussion, then he'll have no clue what he wants to remedy in order to keep you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weathergirl Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Why would you break up with him and not tell him? Speaking personally....because he's being a insensitive and his actions are pretty much telling me we've over anyway, so what's there to discuss? Again, for me, I'm not going to discuss with an insensitive jerk (or any man for that matter) about what I am needing HIM to do to make ME happy. Being happy is MY job and if I am not happy with him...then I leave. I either accept what he DOES give me, or I don't...and if I can't, again I leave. Unless he leaves first and frankly, in the OP's case, his actions pretty much tell the story don't you think? He can't pick her up at the airport (because he "might" have a meeting -- please (eyeroll)....and then snapping at her saying "well you can only stay with me if you have absolutely no where else to go." Telling her she was putting to much pressure on them, they need to think about their future and where things are going and he can't do that with her around... Come on now...it doesn't get much clearer than that he wants OUT. Or is already gone. So what's to discuss? But like I said in my post, I realize this way of dealing with it isn't for everyone....but it works for me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Besides treating you as an option rather than a priority, it appears as if he already has one foot out the door. Either way, your intuition is usually correct. All the best... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Speaking personally....because he's being a insensitive and his actions are pretty much telling me we've over anyway, so what's there to discuss? When you've been in a relationship for a long time, if you don't communicate then one or the other or the both of you will start taking one another for granted. It happens even in THE best of relationships. I've been in mine for 37 years now so I have some experience in letting my partner know when things aren't the way I'd like them to be and he the same. We remedy before the situation that isn't tolerable becomes a lifestyle and we do this through communication. Again, for me, I'm not going to discuss with an insensitive jerk (or any man for that matter) about what I am needing HIM to do to make ME happy. Being happy is MY job I couldn't agree more but when who you are with isn't contributing to your happiness or perhaps not realizing that what he is or isn't doing is affecting your happiness then communication is in order. Giving someone the chance to remedy is the first step. If after communication nothing changes then an Adios is of course what self-loving people should be doing. and if I am not happy with him...then I leave. I either accept what he DOES give me, or I don't...and if I can't, again I leave Well of course, I believe that personal boundaries are very important and help with confident and self esteem but too rigid boundaries are just walls. Unless he leaves first and frankly, in the OP's case, his actions pretty much tell the story don't you think? I don't know, she hasn't said that she's communicated with him so if after she has and he hasn't shown her that he values her enough to step it up, then his actions would definitely tell a story. He can't pick her up at the airport (because he "might" have a meeting -- please (eyeroll) He doesn't owe her a pick up. If she absolutely NEEDED him and had no one else then perhaps after his meeting he could. Op doesn't seem to have communicated to us anything further about that. ....and then snapping at her saying "well you can only stay with me if you have absolutely no where else to go." Telling her she was putting to much pressure on them, they need to think about their future and where things are going and he can't do that with her around... Come on now...it doesn't get much clearer than that he wants OUT. Or is already gone. Regardless, breaking up with him without word is, as I said earlier, rather passive aggressive. If she wants to find out if he's willing to remedy then she needs to talk to him about HER personal boundaries and that he's crossing them. If everyone just walked without communication ~ no one would last in a relationship past the first boundary cross that was never discussed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrookedMojoTed Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I mostly agree; his behavior is a bad sign for the relationship. I would not walk out without a discussion, however. You should confront him about his behavior and how you feel; seek clarification and an explanation for his behavior and actions. Either he provides some clarification to your satisfaction, or you can let him know you are unhappy and leaving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlelamb Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 Hi all, Thank you so much for your responses, I really appreciate them. This behaviour is a startling change. We had been phoning, texting, emailing, Skyping, whatsapp-ing etc., almost everyday, sometimes several times a day. Just last week he said "can't wait til you're back!" And then on Monday he's telling me he doesn't want to see me, "we have to consider our future because this is a new segment in our lives, we've been together nearly a year, it is time to think about where we are going"..blahblahblah. I told him that his words hurt and upset me. He told me to "forget it, we'll talk about it when you're back." He's still calling me 'sweetie' and signing messages 'xxxx' but I don't read too much into that. Today he said that he'd had a really poor week at work (disorganized boss, losing contracts, losing money, etc). I don't know if that is the real cause for his behaviour, only he knows that. Regardless, work stress is not an excuse to treat me disrespectfully. You guys have given me the courage to confront HIM and explain how his behaviour impacts ME. If he's not willing to discuss and remedy this, I will have to be strong and let myself out. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Longview01 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 He can't pick her up at the airport (because he "might" have a meeting -- please (eyeroll).... Why do you suddenly seem to know her boyfriends schedule? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weathergirl Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Thanks for the above TwT..... and for being respectful It's a different approach and frankly one I am not too familiar with as my usual MO when being treated poorly is to pull back. If he cares, he will come to me and want to discuss...as I have learned that most, if not all, men KNOW perfectly well when they're acting badly and insensitively. And my pulling back and giving a man space to think about his behavior... often times results in him feeling remorseful about his actions and wanting to remedy the situation all on his own with no push (i.e. discussion) from me. That approach has always worked for me...assuming he cared. If he does NOT care, then he won't realize these things or won't CARE to realize these things.... and will stay gone, which is perfectly fine with me. Good riddance. Like I said, most, if not all, men KNOW when they're treating a woman badly... and/or not treating her the way she should be treated. They don't need me to point it out to them... in an attempt to get him to see the error of his ways and treat me kindly, with respect and caring. IMO, the way the OP's boyfriend is treating her has nothing to do with her needs... it's just him being a DB. It's not even that he doesn't wish to pick her up at the airport or doesn't want her staying with him...it's the way he said these things to her...so insensitively and cold-heartedly. Again, he KNOWS he's being a DB here...he doesn't or shouldn't need the OP to point it out to him. However, I DO understand your point and thanks again for presenting another way of seeing things and being so respectful about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weathergirl Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Why do you suddenly seem to know her boyfriends schedule? No and apparently neither does he! If he did, he would not have said "I 'might' have a meeting so can't pick you up." So definitively and cold-heartedly the way he did. Instead...he would have said "I have a meeting; I'm sorry." Or, if he gave a sh*t... he may have said "I might have a meeting, I'm not sure yet, but if I don't, sure I'd be happy to pick you up at the airport." Or some variation thereof. Because that is how boyfriends who give a crap treat their girlfriends, again assuming they care about them. That's how it is in my world anyway.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weathergirl Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 littlelamb... good luck when speaking with him...I hope it works out the way you want it to. But remember, if it does not... you are a beautiful person and you WILL find someone else who does care and treats you with caring, kindness and respect. Keep up posted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 You guys have given me the courage to confront HIM and explain how his behaviour impacts ME. If he's not willing to discuss and remedy this, I will have to be strong and let myself out. Thank you. This is a good plan. Let us know how it goes, Lamb. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlelamb Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 Hi all, Just an update on things... My bf ended up being at a work conference the day I returned. We met up when he got back to town, he gave me kiss, we had a coffee/light snack at a cafe. ( I made sure I looked great Our conversation was happy, light-hearted and normal. He was really enthusiastic about his work, happy to show me pictures of his nephew and a thank-you card for his nephew's birthday gift (that I picked out). He mentioned that he was really broke, and that work was finally getting better after a really stressful period this summer (that he didn't tell me about). He was eager to hear my news, and we had a proper kiss goodnight. However, things are still really weird! He will sometimes respond to texts, but not always (this is the guy who used to write me text-message novels). He refers to me as "sweetie" and "darling" ends messages with "xxxx" and closes phone calls with "lots of love!" It is his birthday on Sunday, but he decided to go to his parents house for the weekend with his male housemate. I was not invited. We spoke on the phone on Friday and he said "oh we should see each other Monday or Wednesday or Sunday depending when I get back," and then started discussing possible plans for next weekend. Over the course of our phone conversation, I found out that his ex has moved back to our city. They broke up about 2 years ago. They were part of the same friend group at uni, and still have a lot of mutual friends. She was the one who broke up with him, and did not treat him very kindly during the time they were together. Earlier in our relationship he told me he felt nothing for her. He wants us to go to her birthday party on Saturday. I don't think that is a good idea. All right team...I need your help! Help me read between the lines. How to handle this with grace, dignity and maturity?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.