hermione Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Hey all, I've been dealing with my first ever breakup that happened last month between me and my boyfriend of a year. It's still really eating at me, but I realize that even if we're going to get back together, I need to move on from what has happened and from what we had. I love him very much, I can feel in my bones that we are not "done" - but that doesn't mean that what we had isn't over. For the past month, I have been trying to "stop the break-up" as opposed to "getting back together" - something that will only happen with time and healing from and acceptance of the breakup. Writing it like that, it seems impossible! I have good moments and bad. I think about him all the time and sometimes it's like a punch in the gut. I haven't cried in weeks - I used to cry almost everyday we were together. It was not a good relationship - down to my control issues and selfishness - but that doesn't mean we were bad people or that we weren't meant to be together in a more healthy and fulfilling way. We did make each other happy. The happiest we had been ever since, basically, we were children. I don't want to fixate too much on that relationship or its flaws in this journal, as today is Day One of NC and I really need to focus on myself and my own happiness. I need to remember how to be happy - happier - without him if I am ever going to be happy with him or anyone else in my future. I'd appreciate feedback as I struggle through NC and whatever else life throws my way, but since this is a journal I won't spare the gory details, failures, and mistakes and I would really prefer responses that are 100% supportive and kind - it's a struggle to reveal my own vulnerabilities and try to work on them, and things like tough love and criticism of my choices tend to make me defensive and not really help my growth at all. I appreciate understanding, above all. Some other things I would like to focus on in my journey are - Weight loss (of course! Haha.) Exercise has always helped me look and feel my best and I could use it now more than ever! - Beginning grad school and work on my career this September! - Dating - I'm in the process of casually seeing someone, and reconnecting with a friend of 15 years. - Discovering passions and hobbies - I'd especially like recommendations here! Anything to keep m mind and/or body occupied! I anticipate a good deal of this being moping so I apologize in advance! I'm trying to remain optimistic and not throw too many pity parties, but also endeavor to be honest about how I'm feeling - even when my feelings aren't so great. Thanks everyone for reading and your support on this journey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hermione Posted August 24, 2014 Author Share Posted August 24, 2014 So today is - I believe - Day 5 NC. Everything still hurts! I find myself feeling insecure about aspects of our relationship I was concerned about during our time together. Why did these things bother me? Ultimately, they probably made me fear he would leave - but he has, what else is there? We have a significant anniversary coming up and it breaks my heart. It would mean so much for him to come back on that day, but I know he won't. It's so hard to at once firmly tell myself that it is OVER and to think positively and have hope - to not fall into a huge depression. The need to stay in bed all day and feel ty is strong, much stronger than it was at the very beginning. I'm giving myself an allowance for how much time I can mope but I know at some point I need to do the unthinkable and "move on." Speaking of which, I hooked up with an old friend last night. Bad idea, yadda yadda, but being with him showed me a lot of the stuff that was missing from my old relationship sexually. Unfortunately that just makes me worry if it was my fault, if my ex wasn't attracted to me, etc. But it helps to realize there really are other men out there who are better for me in some ways! Anyways, this post has been incredibly scatterbrained, but I'm running late for a party and just had to get my feelings out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hermione Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 to clarify hooking up was merely a chat about sexual attitudes, definitely not actually having sex with him! in any case I'm going to postpone this journal for personal reasons Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 It gets better...just keep doing what you're doing...make sure you tell that other guy you're not over your ex yet, so you don't lead him on... and stay no contact. Best piece of advice I got out of this site...and it helps so much. I know it hurts right now...but...there's someone better for you. So take it one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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