Therapy

[panther]

Therapy could come in hand now in my life, but it is not an option right now due to circumstances that don't need to be explained here now.

 

I think I have been somehow messed up all my life. Tendencies for depression, major insecurities and started with anorexia when I was 14 which sadly developed to bulimia that lasted years - I am pretty much cured from that although it never goes away for good. I don't binge and purge anymore, I can tell when I am hungry or when I am just lacking something else and want to fill the hole with food and therefore control it. But I still count calories (more or less), still look in the mirror wondering where I could lose some fat and little things like that.

But that is not the point of this journal.

 

Although I have always been rather insecure, it was not something that ruled my life (except during my eating disorder times). I don’t know what happened to me that turned me recently to such a paranoid person, with a dread of being left alone or cheated on.

When I think about this rationally, I realise I am in a relationship with one of the best men I ever met, the only one who really doesn’t give up on me even on the worst times.

Unfortunately my reason doesn’t prevail most of the time, so I am always seeing flaws here and there in our relationship, in him and trying to control them.

 

I sometimes wonder if he actually loves me more than I love him because lately I have been an impossible human being and he puts up with me.

Recently we went out to some friends place and at some moment we were in group of 4 or 5 chatting and my BF wasn’t present. One of his friends of several years commented on how my BF is always being so sweet to me.

I reply totally unimpressed asking - he is? When is he being sweet to me?

She then says, yes, he is always holding your hand. I haven’t seen him doing that to a woman in a long time and never thought I would see it again.

Then I shut up and was a bit moved. Yeah when I think about it, in the beginning he didn’t do that as much as now, holding hands in public, showing affection in public. He does that now. With me.

These little things make me happy.

 

Anyway, lets talk about things I can do to make my life a happier place.

 

I am currently living abroad, for almost 2 years now. Naturally I don't have many friends. I mean, I meet a lot of people but I miss my best friends, those who I know will be my friends forever, those who I can call at 3 a.m. in an emotional emergency. But it takes time to find such people and it takes time to realise whether the people you meet are BFF material or not. I only have 3 or 4 of those and they are in my home country.

Furthermore, although I speak almost fluently the language of my current country, it still is not my mother language and this makes it difficult sometimes to express my self, to make a joke, to use irony. so this makes it difficult to actively participate in conversations when in larger groups, like when we go out. So I end up being always quiet.

 

Now yesterday, I was searching here threads and stumbled upon one that gave me an idea. Meetup. I signed into meetup and joined some groups for people aiming to meet new people in the city. Mostly international people who came to live here recently. there is one meeting coming up next Saturday that I may join. Just hang around, have some drinks and meet the people.

[panther]

Just signed up for my first meetup meeting for next Saturday. It is at some bar not far from my place, just to chat and have a drink. I think this group makes regular meetings, like every week. This is good, if it's always the same people showing up, there are more chances for establishing contact with some people and get to know them better.

 

Some other good news are that a very good friend of mine from my home country is planning to visit my current city with her boyfriend for 4 days in September. This makes me so happy. I had to cancel my vacation at home with my family this summer because of work, so it is great to have some old friend to visit me. It's the first visit I get since I'm here.

[panther]

Today I discussing with a friend in the lab whether we made the right career choices. Science, PhD. This is so frustrating and I feel I am going nowhere, nothing works and many times I feel it is my fault.

So due to our conversation, I was wondering today whether I am really good at something. Everyone should be great at something. What am I really great at? I don't know.

I do know that being successful at anything is more than talent, it is a lot of work. But since I am not a very perseverant person, I feel I won't ever do anything truly well. And besides that, I don't know anything I am very good at.

 

I'm good at worrying, but that won't take me far in life.

 

I am thinking about quitting my PhD if I find something else. I don't think I will be able to finish it, not in time, and I don't know whether I will find further financing when my stipend ends.

 

I should go jogging. Just waiting for the motivation to come.

[BigKK]

Hi panther and welcome, think long and hard before you ditch the PhD program, you won't finish...in time for what? How long have you been doing it? Maybe it's a temporary feeling, you got into the program so you were definitely passionate, perhaps ponder why you entered and see if you can remind yourself why you started in the first place.

 

 

How is your trust doing with your boyfriend? I remember you were playing detective with him? Are you two still together? Anymore detective work on your part?

[panther]

Hey BigKK.

The problem is I when my stipend ends I won't have enough results to write a thesis and defend it. I have little more than a year left (the total time of the stipend is three years). I can apply to further financing but what if I don't get the financing? I am very unmotivated because I am not happy about the project, although I have a backup project, but the time left isn't much. There are other problems, namely that my supervisor isn't very supportive. I wouldn't be the first one who started PhD in this research group and then quit, I know someone who did this and he is happy about his decision.

 

I haven't been playing much detective with my boyfriend anymore. He has been making an effort for us to spend more time together and it has calmed me down. Last week I spent a few days at his place, by his initiative, he gave me a key to his apartment for those days. I guess someone wouldn't do that if they had something major to hide. He said I could keep the key to his place if I wanted, but I just let it stay there. I don't really need it and his offer was good enough for me.

 

We also spent a few days on vacation together in the middle of July. One good thing about all this is that I am starting to see that there are good chances that we can cohabit together (whether it is on vacation or on our daily natural habitat) and be happy without fights that people go into when they spend too much time together.

Still not happy about his friendship with the ex, but I won't take dramatic decisions unless I am sure something is not right. He is a ver easy going man and not the kind of person who holds grudges, so it might really be just a friendship and nothing more.

I believe we will manage this because he acts really committed when it comes to my paranoias and fears. How many guys would have stayed with me after I went through their trash? that is just one little example of his commitment.

 

I feel better now. Thanks BigKK.

[panther]

Mission jogging accomplished. 50 minutes with some walking pauses in between. This was a good workout.

[panther]

Tomorrow I shall join my first meetup meeting. I'm not exactly the adventurous person who likes to try out new things, but I guess I have to push myself to do this. I just like to have my close long time friends around, where I am comfortable. But since they are far away, I have to go outside and explore the world.

Maybe in the future I will look back miss the time I am experiencing right now and wonder why I didn't enjoy them better. I should keep this in mind.

 

My boyfriend will be spending the weekend with his parents. I wish he would start including me in these activities but I know his mom is not an easy person and she will be very judgmental towards me and probably think I am not good enough for her son. So I guess he is sparing me from this, but he can't do it forever so I don't see the point in delaying the inevitable.

[panther]

I'm starting to like some people around here on the forum.

[BigKK]

Good luck on the meetup, I was doing that a lot after my breakup and found it helpful to meet likeminded people and you can just make some friends. I am not saying you're breaking up, but it sounds like we might be in similar boats as far as regaining a sense of self and your own identity. It's all about stepping out of your comfort zone, the more you start doing it, the more you realize it's not really THAT uncomfortable to go do stuff with some strangers.

[panther]

I ended up meeting with a friend on Saturday evening so I skipped the meetup. But there is something up everyday, so I guess I will join the next time I'm bored.

 

You are right BigKK, this is all about stepping out of my comfort zone and it is something I have to force myself to do.

 

I had a bad Saturday actually, althoug it was nice to go out, I started having pessimistic thoughts about my relationship again. I started questioning everything in my head again. On Sunday morning I woke up better but until today I still am having some nagging thoughts that are annoying me and stopping me to be in a good mood.

 

Nothing else to add today.

[panther]

I am considering moving to a new apartment. I have done a bit search online but didn't dedicate much time to it. I guess the thinking about all the trouble it will be, is discouraging me.

I have a one room apartment which I love because it is so central and I have transport access to everywhere and I am 15 minutes away from work. Also, I have two supermarkets 50 meters away from my door. It's perfect.

Now I have a friend who is moving away from her two room apartment and asked around if someone was interested. The rent she is paying was a bit lower than mine. The problem is that, although central and it has many stations around it, they are all 1,5 km away from the apartment, in different directions. Well I can walk this distance of course, no problem, but it becomes a problem when its raining and anyway I am so used to be so close to the transports from my flat that I feel this is won't be an improvement. It would take me much more time to reach work. I guess I cannot have everything, not for this amount of monthly rent at least.

Still, I will take a look at her apartment on Sunday. If it pleases me a lot, I might give it some thought.

I could also get a bike and start using it to move around in the city, this is a great city for bikes. But in the winter with snow, ice and negative temperatures, I won't dare to use it. I don't even go jogging when it is - 10°C outside, or less. -5°C is my limit temperature for jogging outside.

I also have to consider that with a bike I cannot drink too much alcohol when I go out. Or if I do, I have to take public transports on the way home. It's not that I drink way too much but I get easily drunk with two glasses of wine.

 

I would really love to have a two room apartment and also a balcony.

[panther]

I have been thinking the whole day about getting a bike. I feel I am going forward with it.

 

Now next Saturday I will be at my boyfriends. He is leaving on Sunday for a conference and will be a bit busy packing and also has to go buy some things at the supermarket and get some things done. He asked me if I also don't mind if he spends a few time playing on the computer (he loves computer games and for him it is one of the few things that distracts him from all the problems, namely job issues which he has been having lately).

Fine by me, we have been spending a great amount of time together, even if it's just sleeping over, that I don't feel the need anymore to have his attention all the time. I like his company even if we are doing different things. And I want him to do the things he likes to do.

When he asked if it is no problem about all the things going on on Saturday and playing computer, I joked and said that it is fine and I'll just find a way to distract you from your computer game. So I thought I might dress up with a sexy bra I bought recently (it is really beautiful, sexy and elegant, I love it) and put on some stockings and see if that is enough to draw away his attention from the computer.

[panther]

Oh he really gets on my nerves sometimes.

So we talked about maybe meeting today instead of tomorrow but today I had planned dinner with some friends, from where I came just now (it's almost 2 a.m.). And now because dinner went until so late we decided I came home instead because my friend's place is much more closer to my place than to his and at this hour the public transports are not coming every 5 minutes as they come during the daytime. So I say to him, I'll come by tomorrow in the afternoon if you like. And I would expect an answer saying, yes of course I will be happy to see you tomorrow then. But no, his reply is, ok we'll see tomorrow if it works out.

Really? We'll see tomorrow? As I recall he wanted to play on his stupid computer games so I assume he has more than enough free time, so why does he leave me hanging here waiting to see if tomorrow works? But if that is his priority for the day, computer games (and of course packing for the travel on Sunday, but it's only for four days so it can't take that long), fine, I'll make other plans. I'll go check some bikes since I want to buy one.

These little things annoy me.

[panther]

I bought my bike today.

Just went for a ride with it and I think I rode about 18 km. It was fun but now everything hurts. It's a great city to travel around by bicycle but I get a bit nervous when there is no bike lane or at intersections, especially the big ones and when I have to turn left. I will just take the route as pedestrians do on the intersections, at least while I am still insecure.

Here is a pic of my new bike. It's a lousy picture, I know.

 

[panther]

Oh and I went to see the apartment on Sunday. It has no balcony, damn. No, I won't try to get the apartment. Although it is big enough, with a big living room, the location is just not that good and I hated the bathroom. And it has no balcony. I'll stay where I am.

[panther]

Went finally to the meet up meeting. I had a lot of fun and got two new FB contacts. One really interesting guy who has been travelling all around the world in the last years and does photojournalism. I enjoyed talking to him a lot. He also did a PhD but then decided to get out of his comfort zone and just go away. I guess this person is the opposite of me, so it was nice to see someone living a life in a totally different way of what I want for myself.

Then another guy, who quit his job at his home country (actually a good one) and came out for the adventure of a new one here in this city. He asked me in the meantime if I want to hang out with him during the week, which I agreed to. I often get uncomfortable with guys asking me to go out because I don't know if he could be thinking of dating me and since I have a BF and he doesn't know this I get a bit of a conscience problem. Well, maybe I'm overthinking, and anyways I want to have more people to be with. Just making new friends.

[panther]

Today I locked myself out of my BF apartment, where I am spending a few days. No keys, no cell phone to call him, I don't even know his number by heart so I could ask some neighbour to lend me their phone.

Result: two long hours sitting on the stairs waiting for him to come home. This was no fun.

[t1lersm0m1]

That sucks. I only have a few cell #'s memorized as well. Who needs to memorize with speed dial? lol

[panther]

Yes. It made me think about it. He has a spare key for my apartment which I gave him in case I do this at my place, but the thing is, if I lock myself out at my place (when I go out to throw away garbage for example) then it won't help me much if I can't call him to come over to open the door for me. I need another plan for this in cass this happens to me.

[panther]

I almost abandoned my journal and don't remember anymore what I wrote here and what I didn't. So, in case I didn't write this here yet, I started therapy a while ago. Insurance pays for it, seems like I have good reasons to need therapy and therefore I get it paid.

 

I recently broke up with the boyfriend and I know it was the right decision. During therapy I have been realising he is a mommy's boy still, he has mommy issues and this pretty much explains why he can't ever build a longlasting relationship, he can't give, he can't give up his freedom. It has nothing to do with me, it is his problem.

 

I wasn't happy anyway and I though I wanted him back after I broke up, I know I would eventually brek up again later.

 

My life isn't emptier due to his absence because I got so little from him, that not much really changed after he was gone. But still I liked him, his personality, his touch, his voice.

 

I think I miss the idea of having a partner more than I miss the relationship itself. The relationship was making me tired, I never received anything without needing to ask for it. I feel like he wasn't a man really, rather a big boy and a selfish one.

 

I am dealing with this better than I thought I would.

[panther]

I have had some contact with the ex. I confess.

 

We even met sometimes. Twice alone, once with friends. But there was no sex or anything like that, just as two people who have a nice friendship.

It actually wasn't that bad or painful meeting with him. But I guess I should not do it anymore.

 

We had fights over the phone as well, mostly initiated by me beacuse I am angry at him.

 

I have made quite some friends through him and I don't want to lose contact with those people, otherwise I will be much more lonely again. So the deal I made with myself was, I won't contact him on my own initiative and will see him when I have to see him on social gatherings.

 

He texted me yesterday to thank me fore something and I didn't reply and I felt good about it.

[panther]

My ex texted me on Monday evening, after almost one week me ignoring him. Asking how I am and how my cat is doing (my cat was sick and he knew about this). I, on purpose, only opened the message the next morning (he can see when it was read) to leave him wondering what I would have been doing. I replied solely that I am doing fine and the cat as well and said hope you're doing fine as well.

He then replied he is also well, lots of stress at work but hopes it will get better next week.

I did not say anything more.

I am upset.

I hoped he would want something from me, I wanted him to have changed his mind about our future because he would be missing me already.

Nothing.

Breadcrumbs.

I am happy I didn't say anything more.

[panther]

My ex is an idiot. Sends me messages sometimes, we talk well. He was the one wanting to stay friends. As soon as I ask him for a favour, he comes up with stupid excuses. Hypocrite. He must love being mean to me, annoying me. He is a passive-aggressive. I don't need friends like this.

Best decision ever was leaving him. Just hate the fact that I still feel something for him and miss him.