hadrada Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 There is this guy at work, of whom my first impression was that he was both gay and attracted to me (I am straight, the reason for asking the question will be explained at the end. He is 15 years younger than me). I instinctively formed this first impression from the following factors: *He is small, slight, pale and delicate featured. *In my first few days there his face would take on a sort of overawed, anguished, uncomfortable expression when walking past me and then he would look down. *He is often sort of buzzing around me, trying to impress me, trying too hard to be funny and getting slightly mortified if I do not get his jokes *If I call his extension or approach his desk he usually says "hey" in a sort of tense, mumbling, broken voice *He likes spending a lot on clothes. *He claims to like being generous to people he cares about (he announced this apropos of nothing in the pub yesterday) *Hangs around a lot with the ferociously straight, muscly, mixed-race office stud (that's not me by the way!). Women in the office refer to it as "the bromance" Sounds pretty clear cut, huh? and maybe first impressions are the ones we should trust. But as I have got to know the guy better he has come to appear somewhat more stereotypically heterosexual *He is actually quite assertive, sometimes even pushy *Follows sports *Particularly likes rap/R&B music (J Cole, Will Rogers) *Knows a lot about women, what they are attracted to, strategies for pulling them etc. and appears to be experienced with them. *Discusses his sexual interest in women quite a lot, who in the office is the fittest etc, and in a nuanced, convincing way that suggests he is not just faking it (in other words he does just not just say "pwoar look at the on her!"). For example yesterday he was talking about the fact that he recently re-connected on Facebook with our ex-manager (female) and had a FaceBook conversation with her that went on for days. He then went on for ages about how great and hot she was and defended her if anyone criticised her. Then another colleague said he knew her quite well and she would be a "headf***" to date because she likes drama, to which the guy replied enthusiastically "she'd be worth it though!". Showed genuine signs of a man absolutely infatuated. What do you think? Was my first reading wrong? I ask because I am crazily in love with our former manager myself and this came as a really nasty shock to me (both because its her and because I thought he was gay). I therefore desperately want my first impression to be correct! Apologies if any of the above is offensively stereotypical but I really, really want to know this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oitnb Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Why do you care so much? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 You are "desperately" in love with your former manager? Does your former manger even know you exist? It doesn't really matter if "the guy" is gay or not... if your manager doesn't know you exist then the guy and you can share the fantasy without worrying about the other "getting with her." I think you have better things to worry about then the sexual preference of "the guy." O.o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hadrada Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 You are "desperately" in love with your former manager? Does your former manger even know you exist? It doesn't really matter if "the guy" is gay or not... if your manager doesn't know you exist then the guy and you can share the fantasy without worrying about the other "getting with her." I think you have better things to worry about then the sexual preference of "the guy." O.o Weird reply - kind of hostile in tone without really saying anything that made any sense. Of course she knows I exist. She's my former manager. And even if she didn't how is that relevant? You can't help who you fall in love with. Then your last paragraph didn't make any sense at all. I don't even know what it means. What better stuff do I have to worry about? Surely his sexual preference would make a big difference to how much of a rival he is to me for this girl! And why put "the guy" in inverted commas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Do you talk to your former manager? Maybe you should ask her out? When I met my bf, I had 3 other dates lined up that weekend....but it didn't matter...because I ended up liking him. What I'm trying to say is...it's not about the other guy, it's about you....so put yourself out there...be authentic...be assertive...and ask for what you want. She'll either say yes...or she won't. It's about you and her. That's it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I have to say there is nothing in what you wrote that would make me think he is gay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Also, it's none of your business if someone is a "closet gay" or not...and it's offensive the way you stereotype gay people. Not one of my gay friends are anything like your description...it's like you're taking your ideas on gay people out of a horribly acted sitcom....and I think that's going to garner negative reactions. If you have the opportunity, get to know a gay person. They're just like straight people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lukeb Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I'll weigh in on this although I thought it was a bit of a silly thread. Whether or not "the guy" is gay or not is immaterial to if your former manager is interested in you or not. You're not in competition for her attention you just need to get her attention and make it known to her that you are interested in her, that's it, it is really that simple. If you want to know if someone is gay you need to ask him/her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hadrada Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Do you talk to your former manager? Maybe you should ask her out? . We were getting close, then I went a bit crazy, couldn't handle it and started being rude/cold to her just before she left. Can't really say why other than I totally lost my head. Have tried to build bridges since, to which she has been polite enough but hasn't made any attempt to build on this herself, understandably. If I apologised it would look a bit weird as everything was left pretty much unspoken, plus I would have to do it by e-mail which could get me in trouble as she is still working for the company just not in our office. As Mr Probz would say "I wish I could make it easy/Easy to love me/Still I reach to find a way/I'm stuck here in between, trying to find the right words to say" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
breakherlegs Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 O.O Nothing about him sounded vaguely gay to me. Why don't you stop trying to figure out the secret sexuality of your colleagues and talk to this former manager of yours, who you apparently are so in love with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hadrada Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Also, it's none of your business if someone is a "closet gay" or not...and it's offensive the way you stereotype gay people. If you have the opportunity, get to know a gay person. They're just like straight people I have known a fair few, actually. Normally I would absolutely not give a toss. I made it quite clear why I want to know in this instance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hadrada Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 O.O Nothing about him sounded vaguely gay to me. Why don't you stop trying to figure out the secret sexuality of your colleagues and talk to this former manager of yours, who you apparently are so in love with. I am!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I went a bit crazy, couldn't handle it and started being rude/cold to her just before she left." I don't think you have much of a chance with her anymore... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 "Of course she knows I exist. She's my former manager. And even if she didn't how is that relevant? You can't help who you fall in love with." Sounds at best like you have a crush, possibly a romantic interest, in your former manager, and certainly not that you are "in love". And you mention possible repercussions at work if you express your interests diredtly. Let this fantasy go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hadrada Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 I don't think you have much of a chance with her anymore... What makes you say that? Not arguing, just would be interested to know from your experience/opinion. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hadrada Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 "Of course she knows I exist. She's my former manager. And even if she didn't how is that relevant? You can't help who you fall in love with." Sounds at best like you have a crush, possibly a romantic interest, in your former manager, and certainly not that you are "in love". Let this fantasy go. I'm not sure I know the difference. I either fall very hard or not at all. Believe me I have tried all sorts of things to "let it go" - hobbies, altruism, mantras, logic, flirting with others, calling old girlfriends. Nothing worked so in the end I admitted defeat ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 What makes you say that? Not arguing, just would be interested to know from your experience/opinion. Well, if someone gets all crazy and is rude and cold to me, I wouldn't be interested in dating him. At all. Some women may enjoy the drama of being treated badly, or people being rude to them etc, but I don't. For me it's all about respect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I'm not sure I know the difference. I either fall very hard or not at all. Believe me I have tried all sorts of things to "let it go" - hobbies, altruism, mantras, logic, flirting with others, calling old girlfriends. Nothing worked so in the end I admitted defeat ;-) THIS is at the heart of the issue. Falling hard or not at all is a romantic idea; in reality, it usually indicates a boundary issue and an imbalance of some sort, such that the falling love/object of desire feels disproportionately important. Focus on you, just you, and envision living your future happy, peacefully, and without an SO. What do you need to do to achieve that vision? Start your journey there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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