BigKK and his overthinking, here we go...

[mhowe]

Good for you!

 

There must have been something in the air ---we had a perfect Sunday as well!!!

[itsallgrand]

Maybe you do need to block off a little bit of alone time for yourself, yeah. And decide that if solid plans cant be made with her, you just make other plans and not worry about it.

 

I agree you over reacted to that photo, and it was a mess. But on the other hand, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to agree together that if one of you is going off for a night or weekend with the girls/boys and there is going to be heavy drinking, that you wait to see each other til later. Not meet up when one is drunk. I can't speak for you, but it would not make me very happy to have someone I am seeing show up sh/t faced drunk. It's a different scenario, I think, if the two of you are spending time together and drinking together. But I think you can cut out unnecessarily irritation and drama by not talking nor seeing each other drunk very often. And that she stay home or at a friends place (and you too) if you go out with the friends solo and are getting hammered.

 

She may have really wanted to see you that night, but it was still rude imo to show up puking drunk to be taken care of by you.

[itsallgrand]

Ok, I just read the update....that's good!

 

I read too you had some liquor in you too. Maybe the liquor is getting you two in troubles more than necessary eh? Just a thought.

[JA0371]

BigKK...I think it's normal to not be able to take our own advice or to be objective about our own shortcomings. You're only human...but at least you're humble enough to ask for advice...and take it. That says a lot about you. Regardless of what happens, Im sure you'll be ok..

[BigKK]

Ok, I just read the update....that's good!

 

I read too you had some liquor in you too. Maybe the liquor is getting you two in troubles more than necessary eh? Just a thought.

 

It's a possibility...honestly the weird thing is on Thursday she was telling me how "going out" and getting drunk with friends doesn't appeal to her, and that she just wants to lay off for awhile. She prefers quite evenings and doing outdoor things. It's kind of funny that then the next day she gets so drunk... So she went for a few cocktails and then they crept up on her really really fast. (she didn't eat before) I had some liquor in me, but I wasn't anything close to drunk, I'd say buzzed...and perhaps stopped me from holding back.

 

She was in terrible shape, I was initially just upset she let herself get to that, mostly due to safety. When I finally saw her, she said she wanted food and ran accross the street without looking.. It just was really upsetting to see her in that position. It's one of the few things that I consider about her in a long term relationship... I don't mind going out and having fun, getting buzzed, etc... but getting faced is no fun, and I don't want a partner that does that often. MIND YOU, this is coming from the guy who fell down the stairs in Vegas and his girlfriend had to babysit him. I'm laying off for the next few weeks.

 

At the end of the month we're going on a beer tasting cruise with a big group of friends, so probably that'll be the next time we're around alcohol. I honestly think I am getting to that stage where it just isn't fun for me...it's as if I have had all those nights play out, and usually it's about fun. As a guy, your goal was usually "find a girl," so with that off of the table...it's just fun. Fun for me is playing a sport, going to a comedy show, or doing something outdoor. Or like yesterday, biking and pools and jacuzzi's... we pretended we were on vacation in San Diego, and it was awesome...just appreciating your own city.

 

 

To give a glimpse into taking care of her...she was crying a lot that she wanted to come home. (I didn't let her go home right away since I didn't want her walking alone) Then she said she wants to throw up , so I said OK throw up. Then she said but I can't, I don't know how. So I said , Okay I'll do it for you. She said no, if you do, you won't find me attractive anymore. Long story short, I stuck my hand in her throat and turned my head. Then I brushed her teeth, washed her face, and had to carry her into bed. She was a mess...I didn't mind taking care of her but I also was worried... After throwing up she refused drinking water...I force fed her water almost, until she fell asleep. If I had an IV I would of given her an IV of saline.

 

 

BUT this happens...she hasn't been drinking often anymore, we are both eating a low carb diet which actually reduces your tolerance. She hardly ate that day, and it caught her by surprise real fast. When I first saw her, I thought she was drugged.

 

 

Yeah, Mhowe, maybe it was the super moon or the air or just a good day. I have access to a beachside resort, so we took champagne to the pool and jacuzzi and pretended that we were on vacation. Talked about her getting her own place. I messaged my friend/realtor and she responded last night that she'd love to work with my girlfriend.

 

First class is next monday, I am getting more serious with exercise, tightening up my diet and getting everything in order. Going for a 4.0 this semester. I'm going to just give myself the next few days to myself, and prepare of few things for this class.

 

 

BigKK...I think it's normal to not be able to take our own advice or to be objective about our own shortcomings. You're only human...but at least you're humble enough to ask for advice...and take it. That says a lot about you. Regardless of what happens, Im sure you'll be ok..

 

Thanks JA, when I got here I didn't know how to break up, or get over my ex. My gameplan of going on coffee dates with her every 3-5 days wasn't working! hahahaha, I healed and got better being single, I Just need to get my act together completely. I found a good one, and I honestly believe it's going to get better soon for the long run.

[DancingFool]

I think it's great that you are using this journal as a way to check on yourself and how your perceptions line up. It's amazing that you are able to hear the opposing views and adjust. That is rare and makes you truly an exceptional human being. Hearing criticism, being able to evaluate and adjust accordingly is a feat that few master.

 

It does seem like things go downhill when one of you is tired or drunk/has been drinking. So something to consider. Granted, you can't avoid getting tired and you can't really say "well I'll just never have a drink again", because that's not the solution. The solution is really a bit of tolerance and understanding. She is not perfect and neither are you. So you kind of have to start with that. She didn't head out with the intention of getting wasted, but rather had the perfect storm of circumstance that hit her squarely between the eyes so to speak. On the one hand it's unpleasant, mutually so, on the other, it's actually kind of funny when you look back. Having a sense of humor for the absurd helps.

 

What I have noticed about successful couples and my own long term relationships, is that they all have the ability to accept the flaws and rough edges with a sense of humor and kind of poke fun at each other instead of getting upset about it. You kind of learn each others quirks and down sides and then can brush it off with a giggle. Don't seek perfection, don't put her on a pedestal, ditto for yourself. Have a more realistic view that all humans are flawed. Once you do that, you can more easily absorb the things that aren't quite "right" for lack of a better word.

 

As for alcohol - it does impair judgment and don't ever forget that. That goes for you too, not just her and nobody is immune. My point is that everyone is bound to do something completely and utterly stupid, dealt with it, forgive and move on. If you can't do that, you might as well resign to being single forever.

[BigKK]

One last thing, anyone have experience with a sleep talking SO?

 

She mostly will mutter a few words and usually is giggling. She said her dad sleep walked. Once she woke up, and said "oh no...oh no!!!, ahhh okay!" And stood up at 3am, and I jumped (a light sleeper) and asked what's wrong?! She just stood there like in a horror movie for about 15 seconds and finally woke up. And sat back down, and went to sleep. I told her in the morning and she said she's never sleep walked before (but probably doesn't know it) anyway it doesn't really bother me, I often joke that it feels like theres an inside joke and I want to know it, but she usually forgets her dream.

 

 

 

I was googling some things, and I found this

link removed

 

this kind of sounds like me, it's almost a little scary. Like I said I'm trying to understand this sudden "light-switch" change in behavior in myself, and I want to work on it. Going to take the reins and dictate when we're hanging out, the next few days will be for me.

 

 

"Remember that he became a “nice guy” because of his conditioning or upbringing. May be he was bought up by a doting mother or a strict father, may be he was subject to a violent household or he was subjected to harsh criticism as a child. None of this is his fault really. His natural manliness becomes obscured due to his upbringing and is replaced by a docile exterior developed to please people.

"

 

I was raised by a doting mother and a very strict father. This whole article might be crap, but was wondering on anyone's thoughts. Just wondering why I have been feeling the need to spend so much time, and rely on her so much. I didn't have to before, when I was single. Right now I don't feel like that and am looking forward to a few quiet evenings to myself. We're going to my friend's going-away party on Saturday, but maybe make it as a challenge and not see her until then. Like I said previously, I'm trying to regain some balance with time in this relationship, which I hope in turn will help with some of my neurotic thoughts and strange "time" controlling thinking patterns.

 

 

 

 

DancingFool, I appreciate the post. I will tell you that both of us have really good senses of humor, we have backbones but also have empathy and are willing to hear the other side. After the evening of her drunkenness, we were catching up with her roommate and we were both kind of joking about the things I told my girlfriend that she did. (She looked at herself in the mirror , and said OH MY, I LOOK TERRIBLE, kept walking away from the mirror, and tripped on some clothes and fell into the closet...she was fine, and in the moment I was terrified she hit her head on the back of a shelf) When she started telling her roommate about this, I kind of chimed in, and it hit me...just how comical the whole ordeal was. She isn't perfect, I am far from perfect, but we both are smart and willing to make adjustments and say we're wrong. I feel more confident than ever in her, even though all the troubles this weekend, it seems like we both came out better. I hope this is the last big hiccup for a long while. It won't be coming from my end since I am calming down. (for now)

 

With alcohol things can happen, we had a good discussion that we both can tolerate a lot of shenanigans except actual cheating. We both agreed that we have been in that position (being really really drunk) and knowing that deep down, you're still controlling the levers you just don't care about the consequences, so it's no excuse for cheating. (We have both been cheated on by a drunken ex, and neither accepted it)

[mhowe]

My bf has vivid dreams and while he doesn't enunciate words, he is clearly talking. I talk gibberish back to him and he will keep it going for a while.

He also growls in his sleep....when I asked, he told me he was dreaming he was a bear. It is hysterical.

 

As for the other stuff --- I got nothin'.

[poetryandlyrics]

My mom signs in her sleep sometimes.

I was told that sometimes I talk when I sleep. No idea what. I don't doubt it. Sometimes my dreams are too surreal that it's kinda realistic so I do realistic things (such as talking in the real world from the dream world or even crying because of a broken heart from a dream -- I had quite an adventure! Like an action movie dream style, lol).

As for sleep walking, it's a myth that it's dangerous to wake up a sleep walker. Just stating this in case she does something dangerous in her sleep.

[DancingFool]

One more comment. Sometimes, when you are filling all your free time with busy busy busy, it's mind's trick to run away from dealing with something internally. Sometimes, that something can be nothing more than a conjured boogie man, more scary in theory than in reality. Once you face it, you realize that it really wasn't worth the effort to run away from so to speak. The reason I'm saying this is that I'm getting a bit of a sense from your posts that you really are avoiding/can't manage some alone down time. Even if you are going to be alone, you are trying to fill it fast by studying or doing something to avoid....what?

 

Just some food for thought for you.....

[BigKK]

One more comment. Sometimes, when you are filling all your free time with busy busy busy, it's mind's trick to run away from dealing with something internally. Sometimes, that something can be nothing more than a conjured boogie man, more scary in theory than in reality. Once you face it, you realize that it really wasn't worth the effort to run away from so to speak. The reason I'm saying this is that I'm getting a bit of a sense from your posts that you really are avoiding/can't manage some alone down time. Even if you are going to be alone, you are trying to fill it fast by studying or doing something to avoid....what?

 

Just some food for thought for you.....

 

Good call! I do tend to do that, and I am actually OK with being alone...the thing is I tend to create this whirlwind of things happening to occupy my mind. I love the insight DancingFool... I used to do this with video games, and would come home and zombie on video games, now I'm Mr. Exercise or activities and perhaps still do the same. Something I avoid just being me, alone, and enjoying it... I need to get back to doing certain things alone. I tried to classify myself as an extrovert or introvert but I think it's much more complicated than that. Furthermore I might spend some time just reflecting.

 

This week I am reading plenty of articles on regaining independence, and growing more of a backbone. I feel I have kind of slid severely in the past month or so. The bright side is I don't think it's too late to "correct" and continue on happily. One of the articles on balance and independence in a relationship stated that balance isn't a "constant state" but rather a constant dance and teeter-totter, and both individuals need to work towards the same goal.

 

I think things will settle in once I have school... I'm going to set aside at least 3 nights to myself and no hanging out. It's tricky sometimes, when your girlfriend is asking to hang out and you say and she tries to create compromises so we can still hang out. (ie. she "won't get in the way") If I cave in, I am allowing her to be somewhat co-dependent, while also reducing that missing feeling, when instead I'd rather hang out when we're both more available.

 

 

I'm babbling a little, I'm also listening to a podcast on "how to be a man" haha, some of the topics are completely irrelevant, but some hit some really great points. I doubt anyone here listens, but I find it entertaining! "American Mansy Radio" It's not some woman bashing radio show like some of the "guy" radio shows I've heard before.

 

 

Thursday morning I'm picking a distant aunt's grand daughter and her best friend from Los Angeles, This aunt let me stay with her in Rome for a week, she's awesome. So I figured this is the least I can do. Expecting to drive 6-8+ hours in Los Angeles, oh joy! I will see how they're doing, but might take them out to show them San Diego night life, or perhaps just some sightseeing stuff.

 

Tuesday afternoon and I'm not pining or really missing my girlfriend, which probably just means I need my space still. She's been texting throughout the day how bad her day is going, that she is burnt out, and her bosses gave her 6 hours heads up about a 7am meeting. (not a morning person) I automatically wanted to start providing solutions about how to deal with the burnt out, but instead just said sorry

[BigKK]

So just as I thought... haven't seen her since Sunday and starting to miss her today! I want to lock down an actual date, instead of come over, dinner and a movie. So either a picnic on the beach or I found a cooking class that we were both interested, and then jacuzzi I want to do this on Friday.

 

Lately, Friday has been delegated to her roommates but I'm taking control and I'd rather have an actual date on Friday versus dinner/movie on a Thursday. She's a little burnt out from work right now, and has been giving me a lot of 'no's lately to anything that isn't fairly lazy. I'm trying to be understanding but also wondering if THIS is her normal state, and the initial dating phase was more exciting since she wanted to "hook" me or so.

 

I don't feel spiteful or resentful like I did last week, if she has unconfirmed plans then I'll just make my own. Last night I just spent the evening to myself and it was nice, although I have trouble falling asleep...eventually fell asleep at 1am.

 

I have this cousin visiting and her best friend, so perhaps I should reserve some time with them showing them around, etc.

 

 

She flies out to the MidWest to visit family in a week, I am really taking time to practice independence, although that week I am starting school. I also got my interview next week for volunteering...can't wait.

 

This radio show I've been listening to, I liked one of the topics they talked about "knowing when to say no" I have trouble with that sometimes. For example, I will sometimes procrastinate with things in case there's a social event since I have the thought process that's a fallacy... "I'm missing out if I don't go," but I can't do that with school at all... I have limited time and resources and can't afford to have one hiccup.

 

 

 

I am trying to revive my social life a little, a LOT of my friends have flipped schedules or kids and just are disappearing on me. It really snuck up on me, my best friend only has Tuesday-Wednesday's off. Miss K has her volleyball team tonight and then they grab beers afterwards...I know most of her team, and they invite me, but I often decline. I really want to play, but I also think I should let her have her solo time with her friends.

 

So I found a rock climbing meetup group for tonight, or a soccer pickup game for tomorrow night. The thing is I don't want to become too social, since I need to figure out how much time I am going to need for school.

[mhowe]

Leave her be --- you know it works best that way.

 

Play host to your cousin and her friend.

 

There is no need to feel spiteful and resentful!!!!

[Fudgie]

in my experience, the initial dates for most people do tend to die down once a relationship goes on. Some people do keep up having nice dates but I know for me and many others, not really. I don't even like to play the "nice date" game and prefer casual from the start because that's my natural state. May be hers too. She may prefer movies in, dinner at each other's places, walking together somewhere, things like that. Would do you prefer? Would you prefer actual "date-dates" where more time and money is spent and you both go to a scheduled event or activity?

 

If she is using Friday nights for time with her roommates/friends, I wouldn't push for an actual date on Friday. Why not a different day?

 

I think you are making a lot of progress, BigKK. I think you ought to be a little more direct though. If you want more date-dates in general, tell her so directly.

 

Your self-awareness is quite good and I think you are on the right path.

[BigKK]

Dang it! I asked for the date before writing my journal entry, so I can't take it back. Fudgie, you're right...maybe I shouldn't ask for dates on Fridays, but a month ago we had a few weeks of a "routine" Friday and I loved it. I think I am being a LITTLE unfair about her not accepting active fun dates, since we DID bike a lot of Sunday. But a lot of hikes,swims, bikes are usualy declined since she's tired, so I obviously won't push it...is it a jerk move to then just leave? Ie. we hang out Friday night, the plan is let's go on a hike on Saturday morning, she doesn't feel like it anymore... am I being a jerk if I just leave and go by myself? I almost feel like those are fighting actions

 

mhowe you're right, I need to remind myself, myself pulling back actually puts her in action. Perhaps that's normal? Is that game playing or just natural human tendencies...or at least natural for her? I'm wondering if my strong "missing" feelings and draw to her is simply due to my lack of personal activities such as I was playing soccer twice a week before, and then climbing and playing tennis with her. Lately, I've just been hammering it at the gym 6 days a week, and it's becoming dull.

[Fudgie]

I think it's okay to ask for dates on Fridays if she's open to it and doesn't have plans but she and her roommates are hanging out regularly that night and it becomes a "routine", she may not want to break it. It may be the only time she can hang out with all of her roommates. Many people have routine "girl" or "guys" night, yes, even once a week. It differs for everyone.

 

The real question is why would you just go out and do it alone? Are you doing it to spite her, just because you want to, or because you are secretly hoping that your willingness to go may be followed by her changing her mind and wanting to go with you? Just a thought. I see nothing wrong with going out and doing it yourself but only if you GENUINELY want to do it by yourself and harbour no resentfulness towards her for not joining you.

[BigKK]

It just occurred to me, why I feel so protective of FRIDAYS and that they should be MINE!!! With my ex, we delegated every Friday to "our" night, and would do something, and I think I just was conditioned to have something going on with my SO on a Friday.

 

 

Need to stop that!

 

 

 

honestly Fudgie, I would do it because if I don't I'm gonna have that lurking feeling that part of my day may of been wasted. BUT yes it might come off as a "punishment," and that's not how I want to come accross.

 

 

The other thing I'll mention is her OTHER roommate, the less dramatic one, just started dating again, the last time she was dating Miss K would try to have our date nights on hers, so that they could have a roommate night on another night. I am trying to be respectful of her friends, but her best friend is in a bad spot. She is in a 4 year LDR and in December finds out her fate, if PHD boyfriends move to her, they stay together, if not, it's over...then 4 years are down the drain. She refuses to go out, since she "Hates to see couples" and opts out of most social events. I get along with this roommate incredibly well, but she is also neurotic about her things. So when we cook together, Miss K will get crap from her b ecause I put the Circle Forks with the Striped Forks, when I heard that crap, I didn't want to cook there anymore. There is a lot more "rules" Miss K (and I) must abide by in the kitchen. So I am spending less time at her place when roomie Z is there, let's call her Z

[mhowe]

She isn't playing games....your mind is.

 

She is genuinely tired. And if she doesn't want to hike --- say, "hope you have a great relaxing day --- maybe you should book a massage?" AND you leave

and go hiking!!!! Where do you get that having a date Fri nite and then leaving to do stuff alone is "fighting actions"? You are not attached at the hip.

 

Yes, you need to fill your life with more stuff and interesting stuff.

 

And if you are not the one initiating, then she steps up to the line. Which is normal.

Because life abhors a vacuum. So let there be space....and let her move to you. You don't have to lead every dance.

[BigKK]

She isn't playing games....your mind is.

 

She is genuinely tired. And if she doesn't want to hike --- say, "hope you have a great relaxing day --- maybe you should book a massage?" AND you leave

and go hiking!!!! Where do you get that having a date Fri nite and then leaving to do stuff alone is "fighting actions"? You are not attached at the hip.

 

Yes, you need to fill your life with more stuff and interesting stuff.

 

And if you are not the one initiating, then she steps up to the line. Which is normal.

Because life abhors a vacuum. So let there be space....and let her move to you. You don't have to lead every dance.

 

Good point mhowe, I am still working on the space. I think everywhere I look or read, it says that couples grow when there is space to grow. It's just so different than my last relationship. I wanted to write I am RElearning this, no...I am just LEARNING. My parents didn't have this, my last relationship didn't have this, a few of my closest friend's relationships don't have this. So I don't have many examples in my life, of "proper space" for a relationship.

 

Also noted on not being attached at the hip.

 

I almost wish I didn't invite for the date, and just let her do it. In pure honesty I was trying to ease my "missing" feelings by having something concrete to look forward, god I need to get a grip.

[mhowe]

Seriously dude --- get a grip. Next time you need to "ease" your missing feelings, go get an ice cream cone! Or a grilled cheese sandwich.

 

(comfort food)

[BigKK]

Seriously dude --- get a grip. Next time you need to "ease" your missing feelings, go get an ice cream cone! Or a grilled cheese sandwich.

 

(comfort food)

 

I already had queso fresco, and 5 sausages for breakfast.

 

I will try the ice cream cone next time, since I need to give the space. I forgot how "well" that worked last time mhowe. I think I might just go to this climbing meetup. It's 10 people climbing and then they grab a beer afterwards... maybe I'll meet someone interesting.

[Fudgie]

The cycle of codependency is really hard to break when it's ingrained in you. Doubly hard when your family has it too. But I think you're doing great by posting in this journal and looking critically at your thought and behavioural patterns and listening to our thoughts, even if they may sting a little.

 

You need to find ways of coping on your own, to reassure yourself of her and your relationship. I think a lot of that comes from the fact that you have codependent tendencies, not really anything within your relationship. This may be a lifelong thing for you: learning to cope and reassure yourself. I think you can do it.

[BigKK]

The cycle of codependency is really hard to break when it's ingrained in you. Doubly hard when your family has it too. But I think you're doing great by posting in this journal and looking critically at your thought and behavioural patterns and listening to our thoughts, even if they may sting a little.

 

You need to find ways of coping on your own, to reassure yourself of her and your relationship. I think a lot of that comes from the fact that you have codependent tendencies, not really anything within your relationship. This may be a lifelong thing for you: learning to cope and reassure yourself. I think you can do it.

Very well put Fudgie, Codepedent tendencies. Miss K doesn't know what's happening because I drew her into my vortex. I think we are both fun people and spending time together is very fun...so when her roommates were gone we had a 6 day stretch of spending everyday together. So there is a strong tendency, Miss K said she never had to deal with this. Partially because of me, and I think partially because we live so close to each other and are drawn together. It's really easy to text each other at 8pm, "hey come over! I want to wake up next to you"

 

To further your theory of term of codepedent tendencies, when I make new friends. I will do the same thing...we will hang out all the time, they will be the first person I call, always make plans with them etc. Hopefully I can break this cycle. It makes me wonder if my best friend from college (ex best friend) if his current wife became jealous of me. Since everyone joked we had a bromance, workout every morning together, take classes together, go partying together, hell I was the third wheel all the time with those two and I know my friend didn't mind, but now I wonder if his then-gf, now wife, minded. (probably!!) Haven't seen him in two years..

 

When I became single, my best friend (life long friend) became injured, so essentially we both "healed" together. Same thing, we have always been really close...but last summer we did everything together. Pick up girls, party, swim, sail, invite international guests, plan random "beach events," the list can go on and on. A few weeks ago he was the one telling me I need to back the F off of Miss K with the initiating of sex, and it was confirmed here as well. So I think I Am just realizing that that is how I am, and it's as if I fixate on one person. My best friend does the same, right now he is fixated on about 5 or 6 different girls, so in his off days he's fairly busy, unless I tell him I really want to hang out, he'll remain busy.

 

 

I will see if my cousin will want me to take her around or host her anywhere. They're both in their mid-twenties, and are coming here for a Biochem conference, and just wanted a place to stay for a day. So essentially I'm not obligated or promised to do anything for them, but I figured if we get along during the 4 hour car ride, I'll come up with something. Her grandmother showed me around, treated me like a son, and dropped me off all around Rome for a week, let me borrow their scooter...so unless these girls have a hammered out plan for their whole weekend I am going to try to persuade them to do something fun. I want to be able to give back to the family.

[mhowe]

And if you wind up doing that, tell Miss K and invite to participate. And if she says yes, great. And if she says no --- still great. If no, then tell her you will

be tied up for the day and catch up later.....and off you go.

[BigKK]

And if you wind up doing that, tell Miss K and invite to participate. And if she says yes, great. And if she says no --- still great. If no, then tell her you will

be tied up for the day and catch up later.....and off you go.

 

Alright! It seems so simple I don't know why it becomes so complicated in my mind sometimes. Thanks again, sounds like a plan =)