BigKK and his overthinking, here we go...

[DancingFool]

Don't even try to lie. Academic reporting nowadays is nationwide. If I have your name and info, I can get your whole academic history from every college, university and community college you ever attended in one quick report. All it takes is one diligent admin person doing their job and verifying your credentials for you to get caught. Add to it that getting dismissed for dishonesty is also something that every future employer can potentially see and what you have is a risk not worth taking.

 

As for the whole it will open up $60-$70K jobs immediately on graduation.... Make sure you really do your research and not just look at what's advertised. There is always the high end, the 10% or so with the right connections, etc. who will get the high end jobs. Then there is the rest. Look closely at the market and then decide if a high debt load will really have the ROI you are hoping for or whether it will just put you neck deep into debt and struggling to pay it off. Also, please don't factor your net worth in terms of relationships, take that out of the equation. Instead do your research in terms of market, career, big long term future and make sure you are not looking at a similar situation of I thought I'd earn x, but really it's only y. I'm seeing way too many recent graduates with Masters degrees working for $45K a year and desperate to get even that entry level job.

[BigKK]

Hey DancingFool and redrose! You're completely right, I researched it a little, and that is a definite no-go. Even worse, I could be accepted, and spend a year hacking away at tough classes and have the rug pulled out from under me. Definitely don't want to even deal with worrying, even if I could get away with it. I can still do this the right way, but man it's not easy!

 

Although I found a few schools with a third of the tuition cost, all still accredited, so I am still doing my due diligence and researching more. ASU actually has a really nice online degree program, although it's Electrical Engineering, and I really want to do Mechanical Engineering / Bio-engineering. I just want a solid plan hammered out. I literally looked at over 300 schools in the past 2 days, checking accreditation and distance programs, then cross-referencing, etc.

 

I am definitely looking at the ROI, the current program I am looking at would only cost me $16k total, so I think that's a no-brainer. I already applied, and sent my transcripts. (way early, won't hear back for months upon months) In the mean time, I will be taking Open University courses locally to not miss a beat. Thermodynamics...oh joy! When I was younger I was scared of these classes...they meant work and I think some lazy part of me grew and would shy away from the heavier course-load classes. I found that MIT releases their courses for free in certain departments, I have been reviewing some of my engineering classes. I want to get a 4.0 from here on out (or at least close), so I figure the best way to do it is to review some of the classes I am going to take it, and start off the semester really strong. Re-learning how to be a good student...

 

As for job prospects, here locally I know many employers that could possibly get me in the door, but I need some credentials to push me through. I have looked at a lot of possibilities including Masters of Science in Biomedical Engineering, they would allow a science major into the class while making up deficiencies. The thing is I am wondering if its better to not specialize and niche myself, rather have the broad mechanical engineering bachelors and then specialize once I am working in the industry. The other thing is I am not convinced California will allow me to sit for the FE or PE exam with a MS in BME but no BS in any engineering. The idea is to save time, but if it doesn't help me with my end goal (landing an engineering job) then it doesn't save a thing!

 

 

On the relationship front, Miss K said she had a massive migraine yesterday. So I gave her her space, she then started texting me about ice cream, I was in the store...and bought some to drop it off. (she didn't ask, but I figured I'd offer it, and if not, more for me!) I asked her if she'd like some (her house is in between the store and my place) she said yes, I stopped in to drop it off. When she opened the door she just dropped her head and started sobbing, and said she doesn't know what to do. Never seen the needy side of her, I could tell she wanted me to stay...through her tears she asked if I could stay but she feels bad that she is being needy... I gave her a hug and told her that's fine, I can stay. So I grabbed some ice packs, put them on her forehead, massaged her temples and she dozed off. After a few hours she felt better and thanked me for staying. I don't know if this falls into the "Don't do so many treats for her" but it really made my heart crumble when I saw her like that, I've never had a migraine and usually thought people exaggerated when they used the word migraine...after last night I believe it.

 

She's going to visit family for 10 days in about 2 weeks. Which is right when school starts for me. I am going to take care of her hedgehog for that time. I was considering getting her something, perhaps for her younger brother. But considering I don't know him, I think that's over-reaching. I also have been doing enough, and probably should cool it.

[redrose85]

I agree. Hold back a bit on the treats or one day when things are routine and “normal”, it’ll be much harder to please her. Is that totally wrong to say? It’s just the way I feel lol

[mhowe]

Ice cream treat --- fine.

Staying and comforting her with migraine --- fine.

Something for her brother --- Nope.

 

I suffer from migraines --- and I have had bf's tell me they can literally see the pain in my face.

 

If she asks ---- a neck/back massage will do much to release the tension. Also --- over the counter Excederin for migraines does help.

[Fudgie]

I agree. Hold back a bit on the treats or one day when things are routine and “normal”, it’ll be much harder to please her. Is that totally wrong to say? It’s just the way I feel lol

 

No, I agree with this. You are right. Humans, like our pets, can be classically conditioned. If you give treat after treat after treat, she will come to expect it regularly from you. Then when you stop after the infatuation wears off, she will be upset.

 

Keep treats just that: "treats". They aren't an everyday sort of thing. Keep them special. If you don't, they won't be special anymore and they will be expected, not appreciated. That's why it's best not to give, give, give SO much. Give but in moderation, and only very occasionally.

[BigKK]

I think all of you have a good point, we condition people to eventually go from surprise and excitement, to expecting. Once things tilt to the expecting, if I stop doing those things, it becomes a negative!

 

I think things have been going well for the two of us and I naturally just do these things, but I will pump the brakes.

 

mhowe, I gave her a really intense massage on her temples, neck, and shoulders...my idea was if I could make her feel good there, maybe it could relieve some of the pain... and it worked. When I was getting the "I have a migraine" text I wasn't really taking it too seriously since I always interpreted those as, "I just have a headache," I won't under-estimate them anymore... just like you said, I could see it on her face...there's no faking that pain.

 

 

The previous two weeks I really pumped the brakes on the treats, I think it was the fact that she's had a rough weekend and I just wanted to cheer her up.

 

 

Over the weekend, both of her roommates picked a fight with her over petty roommate things. It was at 10:30pm on Saturday night when we were out with my friends and became a text war. I told her to handle it in person, but she felt the need to "hash it out." I won't get into details, but it ended up with her crying...feeling teamed up on, and I think a lot of it is coming from the fact that they're both single...stay home on a Saturday night and had nothing better to do. 3 of Miss K's grandparents are dying right now, and she will cry every few days and tell me about it. I just listen and console her, but the whole roommate issue just made her ball. She was crying a lot, and said her grandparents are dying and here she is crying about her roommates pointless antics.

 

She asked to stay at my place, and said she doesn't want to see them for a day. I don't think she handles it the right way, she doesn't tell them about her frustrations with them. Gets completely pushed around. Then puts on a happy face a few days later... I'd be more worried, but she said she wants to move out in the next few months and buy her own place. She doesn't deal with issues like that with me, so I figure she's trying to salvage the friendship, and in the end...it's temporary roommate crap. I'm trying to steer clear of her place and her roommates for awhile though...seems like they're both downers. Not allowing myself to get wrapped up in this though, I have bigger fish to fry right now...and she's a big girl and can deal with it. I just didn't like the whole "let me argue with my roommates at your friend's party thing" seemed pretty immature.

[mhowe]

Let it go --- she is stressed over all her grandparents and dealing with fixing the things she can. Let her get her own place --- and have her over to your place instead of going to hers. But keep being independent KKK.....don't fix HER problems by asking/allowing her to move in.

 

And no --- the pain of a migraine: I liken it to taking a railroad spike and shoving it through my right eye. I don't like company....want complete dark and silence.

However, my bf knows that bringing me a cooler with diet coke in it so I don't have to get out of bed (sometimes getting up makes me throw up) is a very sweet thing to do.

[Liraele]

Bawl. As in sob.

 

Ball. As in round thing that rolls, or thing at which one dresses up all fancy and dances.

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I know you well enough I feel like I can pick on you a little.

 

You did good with the migraine. They are awful awful horrible things.

[BigKK]

Bawl. As in sob.

 

Ball. As in round thing that rolls, or thing at which one dresses up all fancy and dances.

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I know you well enough I feel like I can pick on you a little.

 

You did good with the migraine. They are awful awful horrible things.

 

Thanks L!

 

I still make mistakes, and I often overuse the excuse...but English is my second language! I literally never knew that! Thank you!!

 

But you misunderstood, she began to ball. It's what animals like hedgehogs do when they get upset, they just ball and shiver.

 

 

 

 

mhowe, no way either of us are moving in together. It never even crossed my mind, I don't mind her staying over, but that's much different than moving in!

 

She loves coke zero, and peppermint klondike bars...that and a massage apparently helps migraines... or anything for that matter

[Liraele]

Thanks L!

 

I still make mistakes, and I often overuse the excuse...but English is my second language! I literally never knew that! Thank you!!

 

But you misunderstood, she began to ball. It's what animals like hedgehogs do when they get upset, they just ball and shiver.

 

 

Well, then... you had it right. Plus, you learned something new. Yay for you!

[mhowe]

When I was overly stressed in Corporate America and commuting 2 hours EACH way every day for 8 years....I got migraines every 6 weeks or so.

I scheduled an hour massage every 2 weeks after I got home....and the migraines slowed to every 2 months.

 

They stopped when I quit....I can now get them with huge atmospheric pressure changes (once in spring and fall) and around hurricanes.

 

Go figure.

[Realitynut]

I got mine at just before or after my periods. Only one time got sick...when i didn't take the pain pills. I have found Excedrin Migraine works the best too! Take right away when you feel one coming on...well...not you....her.....lol

[BigKK]

Yeah, who knows why or where they came from. I'm glad it went away.

 

I've had two bad days at work and not dealing with the stress well lately...just exercising, but been feeling anti-social.

 

Here we go with my over-sensitivity. I'm a tad annoyed today since the whole weekend is "up in the air" as for spending any time together. Since she is trying to make plans and have girl time but won't confirm anything with me since the girls won't with her. So whether we will hang out or not, she can't answer. I feel like I will just be unavailable this weekend, go do things with friends and when she "figures it out" I'll have other plans by then. I don't know if that's dramatic but I don't like being on the back burner. Maybe I should be flexible, but I think the fact that I'm just irritated with work, I wanted to look forward to some nice quality time...and just getting juggled is annoying.

[Fudgie]

I don't think you are being on the back burner. Sounds like her priority this weekend is girl time but she can't schedule it and then make plans with you because it sounds like her friends are being wishy washy so therefore, she can't have anything concrete. That's not really her fault. In fact, I don't know if you've been in a LTR before, but that's pretty par for the course at times. Sometimes we want to make plans with friends first because we need to have time for them but then plans don't solidify for a while because people aren't good at getting back to others.

 

If you want to make plans with your friends as well this weekend, that's totally fine (and I would probably do that in this situation) but I wouldn't do in the vein of resentment. I don't know if I'm mistaken but I picked up a little bit of that in your post..."I will just be unavailable this weekend...when she 'figures it out', I'll have other plans by then." Perfectly acceptable to have plans and it's certainly better than waiting around for her but to do it to spite her, that's not good.

 

I don't mean to insult you or anything, I am just curious, do you have some spiteful tendencies?

[BigKK]

Thanks Fudgie, No I don't have spiteful tendencies, but there is definitely a tone of that in my post. Which is why I'm writing it, and trying to work through this. This is my own issue and not hers, my own friends are flakey and have been getting worse...so I think I'm honestly mad that I may just be spending the weekend alone. I know woe is me queue the violins, but I have good friends but sometimes it feels like I pull more of the weight. I find myself overly cautious if I am being treated fairly. I just find myself down today and I am twisting everything in my mind towards negativity...hell maybe a weekend alone would be good for me. I always think I shouldn't isolate myself since I used to do that a lot, but maybe I need some alone time. To be perfectly honest, it makes me feel better you're saying it's par for the course. It's why I'm here, I don't claim to be great at relationships, I'm fairly self-aware, I over-analyze and it leads me to trouble. I wonder if I have a skewed view of relationships?

 

Also I have been in an LTR but we were WAY too wrapped up in each other, which is why I'm not good at balancing. Which is why I started this journal, I need to fix this. We became codependent, and I eventually grew bored of her since we saw each other all the time and didn't have a lot to talk about...not to mention some incompatibilities. We talked about balance a few days ago, and she said she is not good at it either because she never had had to before. (2 LDR relationships) She even mentioned she talked to her mom about balance and asked her how to maintain a healthy balance between friends and your significant other. It makes me feel good that we are both aware and actively working on it.

 

I just made dinner plans tonight with some friends I haven't seen in awhile, and I'm looking forward to it. I was so fine when I was single to just create a whirlwind of activities for myself, and it's like I lost my pizzazz I don't know if it's due to the relationship or just since I'm a little stressed out. If my friends were flakey I'd make new friends, but I just don't have that feeling right now. Perhaps I should just force myself to do things like that again?

 

 

In completely other news, last night I was having an awful workday and still felt like that at night so I worked out. Then did something different...I whipped out my engineering books for next semester, and continued reviewing. I have never been an excellent student, but usually a good one. I'm trying to prep my notebooks and be 100% ready when I have class and work at the same time. I am already on Chapter 3 in my Statics book, when there is only 9 chapters for the course. My goal is to read ahead a little, and start out in the class really strong. I have told myself I'm getting a 4.0 and I haven't gotten 4.0's since high school. I figure time to start doing it, I want to have a great application and possibility of going to graduate school. Initially when I started this idea of second bachelors, my goal was to "get through it," now I want to master it and move on. I found it calming, and today work is slow which lets my mind wander... I might do a few more today, it has a strange calming effect on me? The more I do it, the less daunting a second bachelors feels like.

 

 

Lastly, I've been feeling unfulfilled and I wasn't sure why. So I have volunteered with a volunteer organization, they needed individuals to work with children with some exercise experience. So about 2-4 times a month I would be going to the gym and helping children with disabilities and special needs exercise, and bonding. I have always wanted to try and I sent in my application and I hope it's approved. I think it'll give me a reality check, rather than feeling bad about myself for my own fabricated crazy reasons I will focus on help putting smiles on kids and making sure they're safe too...actually really looking forward to it.

[BigKK]

So this morning I was mad. Last night I went out with my friends had 2-3 beers, my girlfriend eventually met up from her girl's night. She was ridiculously stumble drunk, I asked her what she ate and she said nothing and the booze hit her. The girls, 4 of them, were in the midst of a bachelor party and she wanted to see me so she bailed. I was a little upset she let herself get that drunk but was happy to see her regardless. She drunkenly said things like I am the more attractive one of us two and she worries about me sometimes(after a girl hit on me in front of her.)

 

I took her home, carried her home... Throwing up, the works. This morning I go to put her phone on the charger, it's open to "messages" I take a peak, I'm the first message, and a random number is the second. Without thinking I click on it, it's a photo with her and a random guy in a "prom pose" his arms wrapped around her from the back. It's this photo and the next message is "Prom

 

I get absolutely furious, I wake her up and ask her why there is a message of her and a guy with his arms around her.

I start out the conversation with what is this? I'm really angry, this kind of is a deal breaker for me. She explains it was a bachelor party and her friends were talking to the single guys, and she scurried away to the "60 year old guy and the married guy" and they were talking about golf and San Diego. Then a "spinner" with one of the guys comes to this married 30 year old guy, it lands on "Promo photo" so they say you gotta take a photo with her.

 

So they take the photo and "take her phone" and send it to her. This is at 10pm at 11pm she ditches her friends and meets with me.

 

 

I got very upset, I told her she crossed boundaries. She kept telling me how it's innocent and was not a big thing and it had nothing to do with her wanting to cheat. I told her it's a clever scheme " the spinner" to take photos with cute girls. That in my shoes she'd be upset.

 

I eventually calmed down, she said she didn't like that I was so angry and didn't want to hear her out and wanted to walk out during the conversation. Also that I used the words "this kind of stuff is a deal breaker" implying that I put the relationship on the line because of a photo of her hugging a guy.

 

I don't like that she crossed this boundary and she said she won't again. I don't feel like I should or have to tell her j

[BigKK]

Not to. And now she is sleeping again. It's as if she didn't want to be the party pooper so she went along with it.

She said she'd be upset if I did the same thing, but would "listen for the explanation" we were supposed to go bike riding and hiking, but now she will be nursing a hangover.

 

I think maybe she's still trying to be fun and what not. But I am still questioning whether I let this slide or just call it quits. It's a little overreacting but I know a lot of guys that would just call it a day. I'm not as mad, more disappointed at this point that it feels like I'm disciplining a dumb college kid.

 

I feel like maybe just ditching her, going to workout and doing my own thing and saying hey when your hangover is over give me a call.

She did turn this on me , that "my anger was very telling and shows I don't trust her" and I said well I didn't think you cheated I am just mad by your poor judgement

[DancingFool]

wow....dude....you really need to take some time off for yourself and just chill..... Take a day off to yourself and take a tranquilizer...elephant strength...seriously.....

 

You are overboard and completely absurd. To say that you are over reacting is too mild. You are just being plain ridiculous and once again taking a small grain of sand and turning it into a mountain pitching a massive fit about it. She can't give a hug to another guy? Seriously? How insecure can you get? To go off like that you are very much out of line. Once again, looking from the outside, in your gf's shoes I'd probably be contemplating dumping you. You are reaching a point where you are so insecure you are starting to be controlling in a bad kind of way.

 

Look you are wrapping your life and identity around this girl to the point where you can't even handle her making plans with the girls. You know what a healthy reaction to that is? Oh, ok babe, have fun, I'll see you next week and then you go about your life. If her plans change and you happen to be free and want to see her, fine, if not, fine. You don't sit and wait and then get pissy that she is not setting something up with you in a "timely fashion". She wasn't put on this planet to be there to nurse you just because you had a bad week and it's not healthy for you to be expecting that.

[BigKK]

Perhaps my reaction is a dumpable offense. I want to say, I am writing all my neurotic thoughts and she doesn't get 90% of this. I told her, ok have fun babe, and left it at that. Even though I wrote here about the up and down in my mind.

 

Yes I screwed up how I brought it up, it's my insecurity maybe she'll let it go maybe not. Maybe I "ruined" it. I saw the photo, had her come to me stumble drunk and just didn't like it. In retrospect, she just really wanted to see me, and as I am writing this I feel more and more like a jerk.

 

DancingFool, any advice on how to actually reset myself? I honestly feel like I'm losing myself, I literally haven't dealt with this kind of feelings previously. I also want my cake and eat it too, essentially I need to get my together before I drive this girl away. Yes I'm losing some sense of identity, I didn't have this issue when I was single. Even if I become single again, I won't have to deal with this because it'll just be me, so it almost feels like I need to figure this out now.

 

I appreciate your response and directness...I really need it. I'm trying to get my thoughts out on here as a form of self therapy with a hope that a few strangers can help guide me.

[mhowe]

She is your gf...not your possession. She went on a girls night out...she over drank. It is not abnormal. She found her way to you...and you looked through her phone and had a hissy fit.

 

Go work out and get this unjustified anger out of your system. And when you can apologize for going overboard. She didn't cheat...she wasn't even in the same country as cheating. She is acting her age and while throwing up etc is a bit immature...it isn't punishable by breaking up.

 

Your moved towards deal breaker should be struck not only from your vocabulary... But from your mindset.

 

DF is right...you have lost YOUR identity in this relationship. She is her own person and not a possession. You need to chill out.

[faraday]

You've said that you're not happy with your friends right now...so you make it your mission to make new friends. Do things you did to meet new women, but with the mindset of making guy friends. Go to meet up groups (they have beer ones!), join a climbing gym, start playing hockey (or whatever you like), if you're nerdy, join one of those paint figurine groups...just go make friends.

 

You're basing your happiness on her. It's not fair. One person cannot be your everything. In other words...And said with love...get a life

 

 

[redrose85]

KK, does it seem like this relationship is right? From the outside, it seems like a whole lot of work. Don’t get me wrong, relationships take work, but the two of you just seem scrambled and not ready for an exclusive relationship with each other. Reading your journal, I get the feeling of “square peg, round hole.”

[JA0371]

Honestly...I would have broke up with you for going through my phone. Totally crossing the line.

[Firiel]

Also, you woke her up when she was completely drunk to confront her aggressively about the photo. That is 100% the wrong way to do things. It's completely not fair to her to try to make her have a serious conversation when she can't even walk straight. You should have asked her calmly after she was awake and feeling better. What she did was NO BIG DEAL.

 

One of my favorite things about my boyfriend is that he's not possessive or jealous. He sees me as a person with my own life and not as something that belongs to him. When I told him I was going out of state to visit friends, but specifically an long-time male friend (one he's never met), his reaction was, "Cool, have fun." When I asked him if it would bother him if I stayed at male friend's house (in his ROOM, even), he just laughed because he thought it was kind of cute that I wanted to run that by him. Now. He's on one end of the spectrum. But it makes me feel really cared for and trusted that he is that low-key. Jealousy is the opposite of that. Jealousy is about possession.

[BigKK]

Alright, so first off to show how off base I was. I didn't want to post anything simply due to not wanting everyone to telling me to dump her. I thought when I was going to write what happened I would hear initially about what a terrible thing she's done and I was right.

 

I was completely in the wrong, I still had some liquor in me, and just blew up. Redrose, I sometimes wonder about the square peg, round hole analogy. I've pondered that before. I went for a walk that morning and just thought about the relationship as a whole, my over-zealousness, possessiveness, neediness, etc. A lot of bad things, I think I show her a lot of good qualities but this a big mistake on my part. I don't think the photo was a big deal, but I don't think it's 100% kosher, the way I handled it was absolutely terrible. It wasn't just a hug, it was a guy with his hands wrapped all over her, his head tilting against hers...for me it was a very intimate photo...with my very drunk girlfriend. In my book it's crossing a physical boundary line with a drunk stranger. She said she'd be upset if she saw a photo with a "random drunk girl" and me like that. So I don't think getting upset about that was completely unfounded.

 

After my walk, I made breakfast and we were both sober, we had a really long talk. Thanks to some of the responses here, I approached her again completely differently. Using this journal as a mirror I was surprised that no one was saying I was right, so I had to re-evaluate. She was a little surprised and probably happy I wasn't being crazy and angry (obviously) She was scared I was walking away for something so trivial, and I was worried I broke her trust and "scared her off" as well. We re-hashed it, I apologized a lot as did she. I promised her I won't ever act like that and I got emotional and just lost it. As for looking at her phone, I apologized. I never care, nor does she...so it wasn't this shock that I saw her phone since often she'll ask me to read her a text while she's driving or vice-versa. So it's not necessarily such a private thing...regardless it was still snooping, yeah some people will dump others for that, me personally, I wouldn't, she didn't either. But I told her I won't do that again, she had a bunch of texts from her girlfriends asking her if she was okay on the screen, and curiosity got to me and I opened it.

 

I don't know if this is square peg, round hole, I don't think so. I'd like to think we're working out the kinks but maybe I'm off base. She was quite understanding and it went into a deep conversation. This doesn't give me an excuse, but this is what my ex would do...except she'd take it further by then texting the girl or the guy for the next few days and have fun "leading them on." It's not my girlfriends fault, but in the moment all those memories came back. My anger never had to do with her cheating, I wasn't worried nor considered cheating on the table...I Just felt my boundaries were crossed.

 

I'm gonna cool it, I have school starting next week, and then she's taking off for a week, and it'll give me some time to reset myself. I'm considering taking Faraday's advice and trying to make a few new friends...but with school coming in fast, I don't know if I'll have time.

 

And I know Firiel, it was a low moment, it was a mistake, it was emotionally fueled...I hope to grow from this. It wasn't relationship ending but it showed me I have a lot to work on.

 

 

After our talk in the morning, we talked about it again in the evening...and both just let it go. Yes it's been work, I honestly think we're working out the kinks...it seems as though I am learning at age 29 what a healthy relationship is...partially by being here and reading other journals and having my own commented. It's really strange when I sometimes write things and assume I'm right to just come back and have everyone writing the opposite...quite the reality check.

 

I don't want an up-and-down relationship and I don't think I will, part of that is in my control. We had a lazy movie day, and her roommate was asking the two of us about advice for her first date. (The guy wanted to meet up at 10pm and she felt uncomfortable) I gave her my 2 cents and said if she feels uncomfortable to reschedule, and a few other things. They both liked my advice and what I said about him (I looked at their texts, and his photos, etc) I'm so wise when it doesn't come to me? What gives...

 

At night we had one of the most intimate nights ever... I really think it came from being so open with each other. Some of the best advice I got here was to back off...I have backed off, and it has made our intimacy almost electric...once again something I learned very recently...I knew it logically but had to stop myself. Our Sunday was absolutely perfect...we biked around San Diego, went to a state park, went to a pool, then a jacuzzi, had some champagne, and finally went back home after biking 30+ miles slowly throughout the day.