BigKK and his overthinking, here we go...

[mhowe]

I didn't call you insane, and I am not calling you ridiculous.

 

But I wouldn't be having a hissy fit over her deciding to hang out with her roommate at her apartment (and they could go out for a quiet night), unless

she and her roommate are circus performers and were planning on a practice session.

 

And in the future --- I wouldn't drive 9 hours to study somewhere else....I would go to the library.

[BigKK]

I didn't call you insane, and I am not calling you ridiculous.

 

But I wouldn't be having a hissy fit over her deciding to hang out with her roommate at her apartment (and they could go out for a quiet night), unless

she and her roommate are circus performers and were planning on a practice session.

 

And in the future --- I wouldn't drive 9 hours to study somewhere else....I would go to the library.

 

 

Fair enough, I drove the 9 hours from vegas due to traffic. I guess I am having a hissy fit since I know her roommate was under the impression it was a "just the two of them" hangout, so I wanted to respect that and withdraw my presence. Then I got upset about it (since me me me, waaah why didn't she think of me)... I am having a hissy fit, and perhaps being mildly possessive. I am really glad I am hearing this rather than bringing it up. I wouldn't be writing this, if I knew I was in the right 100%

 

Once again, like I said, I Am trying to workout the emotions on my own rather than bringing it up to her especially when I have doubts about being right.

 

 

So far the last two pieces of advice from this journal were gold and it's why I keep coming back. I "checked her" and immediately resolved that issue. I didn't press sex and just completely relaxed, and low and behold I was absolutely blown away and surprised how she seduced me and it was a much better feeling than constantly pressing and expecting. I am an overthinker and really really trying to reel it in.

 

Lastly I should be studying right now instead of deciphering if I'm being treated unfairly or just being over-sensitive/selfish. ( I think I am, which makes me feel better since that means I Have to work on this, and not her)

[Liraele]

Take a deep breath. Good luck on your exam!

[mhowe]

Go study. Good luck.

 

Wahhhhhh

[tiredofvampires]

First of all, keep in mind that when someone picks a fight over whether you got half-and-half vs. heavy cream, or if you put enough water in the coffee maker (to the point that they are angry), it's never about the half-and-half, the cream, the coffee or the water. It's always about something else. And it's usually got resentment behind it, simmering away. So the little things get picked on rather than communicating about the bigger thing(s).

 

I personally prefer courtship that starts with a more shallow gradient, because of just the kind of thing that's happening here. Everyone is so goo-goo to be pleasing and adorable and sweep-you-off-your-feet, it's not "real" for a while. So unrealistic expectations are created, and standards that can't be lived up to all the time, and there is a need to be perfect to your partner and make every moment perfect. That's just not grounded. This isn't feeling grounded to me. It's not really a good sign when there are all these little mini miscommunications with mutual apologies for flying off the handle or asking too much or little perceived slights -- that's a sign that the bar has been set to some pie-in-the-sky standard, and each is trying to furiously keep that hype going.

 

I think this runs the risk of becoming controlling and as you admit, possessive. Which can be suffocating. For one thing, when anyone starts talking about being upset that their partner is "making them come second", red flags go up for me. I know this bucks a commonly held belief...but why should your partner be #1, or rather, why should they have to keep proving that to you? While you should be a central person in their life, this shouldn't be a question of where in the tally you stack up -- needing to know you're coming FIRST all the time. And, it should not be something you keep taking the temperature about, because in a relationship, other demands make for an ebb and flow. In actuality, on some days you shouldn't come first. Her studies should come first, or a parent, or a stressed friend, or a girl's night, or any number of things that matter. I can say my partner is one of the most important people in my life, but if he demanded that I say he is THE most important person in my life? Or asked me to prove it on an ongoing basis? That's stifling. Why would you make me choose between how important you are vs. my women friends or my sister -- either on any given day or in a total sense? It's apples and oranges and bananas -- they're all just as good and important, they all belong in the fruit salad that is my life, and frankly sometimes I'd rather have a banana and sometimes an orange (especially if I've been eating oranges all weekend, I'd like a few days of bananas for a break, thanks). And no, after I've eaten the bananas, you shouldn't be saying, "Alright, you ate 12.5 bananas over the course of 52 hours and 7 minutes, you've had your banana time, now it's time for oranges again" (you being the oranges of course). They shouldn't have to be rated, and this shouldn't be coming out to an inventory-taking. If she loves you and vice versa, that desire comes naturally, you shouldn't have to extract it. No one should have to assure their partner that they are "#1". I find that to be more about what you need to feel secure in your ego than love. And love is about letting your partner enjoy all aspects of their life freely without keeping all these tabs. And then on top of it, playing a passive aggressive game in your head about it, where you'll just be unavailable, just to make her a little uneasy. Drama -- that's drama, my friend, not love (not that you don't love her, but this is not a part of it).

 

Now if your partner is neglecting you by not showing clear eagerness to spend quality time, or they are making clear promises and commitments they break without good reason or on a regular basis, that's another matter. But I don't see any of that going on. I see you making mountains out of molehills, and she's probably doing the same with these little fights in the kitchen, but that's where my first paragraph comes in. At some level, she probably feels scared to upset you and make you feel insecure (because you've put it out there with your vibe that you are), and she's felt pressured (like about the sex) so she's apologizing for things that ruffle your feathers, so everything stays sweet and lovely...but it's bothering her that she even has to do that. So, resentment is building.

 

I don't quite understand the account of the studying at her house, but it seems to me pretty healthy to plan on studying at your partner's house while your partner makes other plans. If you say you're going to plan on an evening of studying, if I were your gf, I'd assume that meant you'll be indisposed during most of the evening, so I'd share dinner and bed, but it would be perfect time to have a friend visit, go out with a friend, etc., while you're studying. Unless you didn't really plan on studying. In which case, that's not her fault, or the two of you should have gotten it clear that this was a DATE NIGHT, with the pretext of studying (which is a little silly and roundabout). I find it very romantic to be in the same room and doing different things, and not to have to entertain eachother. She has her friend, you have your studying, what's the problem?

 

It's really nice to feel that "high" of a new love...but it needs to be balanced in my opinion with trying to keep life as normal as it will be after the honeymoon is over. Because that's how life is going to be if this is a long relationship, and why not start getting used to that now? It's not unromantic to slow down the turbo and make it more life-like.

 

A relationship needs room to breathe -- and you know what happens when a living thing stops breathing? Yeah.

 

I think it's not good enough just to try to keep reigning yourself in, biting your tongue, because it seems that you're still underneath being driven by some very strong emotional need that's not clearly known to you. What is the need? Because you're coming at this with a needy mindset. I think you should spend some time thinking about what you fear, what need is propelling these behaviors, and how you might get that need met in a way that doesn't put strain on the relationship. No relationship can be "your everything" (part of the "#1" myth). You have to be emotionally self-sufficient for a relationship to be able to breathe.

 

So instead of focusing on how much time she's giving you and whether she made you first, I think you need to go in the exact opposite direction -- you should start thinking of ways to feel "full" with the time you are not with her, instead of treating her like a drug you must have. Focusing on making quality time away from her or doing your own thing even around each other, rather than "when will I see her next?" I think this is where it's at for you right now, honestly. It comes accross as that you're trying to find every way to make her prove that she's there for you and continually available...and that gets exhausting. You've discussed how important it is to not lose yourself in eachother, but you're not acting on that discussion with her by losing sight of it and getting pissy over these incidents.

 

You can see how the sex initiation thing worked when you mellowed out. It's the same concept for everything else. But YOU should also want to be more self-reliant for YOU -- so that you're not leaning on her for all the feel goods. Do it first for YOU, and then it will positively impact the relationship.

 

Anyway, here's to acing the exam!

[redrose85]

WOW TOV. Fantastic!!

[Firiel]

I totally agree with TOV. As to the witchy-ness moments-- that's when those things start to come out in a relationship. It's not hard to be wonderful all the time in a new relationship, but eventually, every day life comes into play. Now I wasn't there for those little arguments or spats, so I really can't know for sure what is going on. But really, they sound kind of normal to me. Everyone gets crappy and witchy sometimes. And I think that having a successful long term relationship is just as much about accepting those moments in others as it is trying to work on not having those moments yourself.

 

For instance, my boyfriend told me this story about his ex. He told it as a funny little anecdote. They had made a pizza with four pieces. He ate two, she ate one. Later, he ate the extra piece out of the fridge because they were leftovers from a shared meal. And she, like, flipped. I guess she was super mad and yelled at him because it was her pizza because he had already had his two pieces. He told the story laughing. And I listened to it and thought, "Wow, that was really witchy of her and totally not cool." But it was really comforting because I knew then that I didn't have to be perfect. He didn't take her weird anger explosion personally (I'm assuming it was something of a one-off), and I know he'll offer me the same courtesy. If I have a bad day and freak out and cry over something ridiculous, we'll be able to laugh about it and it won't be some huge deal. If he gets cranky and snarks at me for something stupid and pointless, I can shrug it off because that's how he gets sometimes and it doesn't reflect on me.

 

I mean, it's different if this is happening ALL the time or if the spat gets personal-- i.e., you buy the wrong cream and she yells at you for fifteen minutes and calls you an idiot. That's totally not what I'm talking about and is what I am getting at in regards to knowing that I can't know the situation because I wasn't there.

[Realitynut]

You bring up some great thoughts F...and one is...as long as they don't get personal....as in saying 'what an idiot'....I think i read that in a relationship book somewhere.....lol

 

Also...i remember being mad at the ex husband for eating MY leftover's in the fridge. But we had gone out to eat...and i didn't finish mine. Was going to eat it the next day...and gone. ugh. MINE, MINE, MINE....lol

[BigKK]

Thank you TOV, as always I appreciate your posts!

 

I am deciphering this sort of neediness of my own about needing to be "my everything" I know it's a myth but yet I'm acting like that's what I want. Like I said, I am trying to figure out myself and re-stabilize. When I was single I was fine. I feel sane again. For example I knew that this whole study thing was ludicrous, but yet I was kicking the idea around back and forth. As soon as mhowe, and Liraele respond that it's a nonissue, I literally laughed at myself and re-focused on what mattered. She doesn't need to prove it to me, I love your analogy of the fruit salad, I will remember that. I am still trying to figure out this fear, it's almost as if I'm not spinning the plates, and the plate stops then S can hit the fan. Which is completely unreasonable, I feel each week I am slowly growing more secure. Today I feel very secure in this relationship, and I won't do any of that unavailability crap...it's not even me, it is games and drama.

 

The only thing that has changed in my life besides adding school, is I stopped doing yoga. It helped keep me grounded and let things melt off of me. I think I will go again tomorrow. I do need to be self-reliant, I am actually strong, and can operate on my own...I think I just need to work on these issues on my own, and not bring every little thing up to her, since that will build resentment. When I look at us objectively and from a distance...everything is fine, and it's like I'm almost picking fights.

 

Her friend is visiting and I at first wanted to spitefully (drama) become unavailable, but she told me she really wants me to meet her friend and go snorkeling, and I agreed. This morning she texted me that she wants to go for a quiet date and spend the night at hers. (roommate drama) Which is completely separate from me...the two of them have lived together almost the whole time since freshman year of college, and now her roommate is becoming very possessive of things and passive aggressive about everything. They're supposed to part ways in either October or February. (2 month buffer between the Holidays)

 

 

I truly think I found a great girl, and I have to re-settle and do me and calm down. I'm doing great today, I'm about to go to the exam, and if I look at another power series right now, I will go postal.

 

 

 

And Firiel, I know everyone has witchy moments. I rarely do, but I just had to let her know it bugged me, I wasn't doing it, and as soon as I did...I felt better (being open) and she acknowledged it, and we both just let it go. Believe me, I can take it all day long if I wanted to, but I will grow with resentment. I grew up with my dad taking out work frustrations on me as a kid all the time. I would just internalize and act like it didn't bother me, and my younger sister would defend herself and fight him all the time. She always asked me how I could handle it, and it'd be because I'd just be a little bit dissociated and deal with it like that. Then one day (as an adult) I said hey people don't get to talk to me like that, including you, and he was absolutely baffled. I might be psychoanalzing myself too much, but my mom tells me that I'm sensitive and that probably I "filled up" on taking crap for a long time. My dad can hardly say anything to me these days if it's negative, I immediately retort and can be quick to anger. He's what I'd call a typical hardass immigrant. I don't hate him at all, and we usually have an up and down relationship...I always say he's insync with the moon. So when it's full moon time, I try to avoid him...I never believed in that stuff...but I swear I could write a thesis on it. I guess this doesn't give me a free pass, but I always try to figure out why I am the way I am. So maybe I'm a little extra sensitive to witchy moments, since with my partner I don't want to have much a barrier.

 

 

 

 

As for the leftover comment, I will sound like a jerk. But I mean this jokingly. Miss K in the beginning would never share her panang curry chicken, and I'd always jokingly say "well...you know I'm literally twice your size and need the calories"... and if I'd try to sneak a spoon she'd gasp jokingly. Now we had some last week, she had half, I finished mine...and she slid it over to me...and I said "oooh I get a bite?" and she says "nope, you get the rest, you need the calories" and grins. That's love right? haha

[redrose85]

^

That is love. lol. Some things are just hard to share, and food is a big one!

[BigKK]

So last night we saw Dawn of the Planet of the Apes...Rotten Tomato gives it 94% and I think I had much bigger expectations, plus I didn't realize there is a movie between this one and the Mark Wahlberg remake.

 

It was one of those theaters with the love seats that recline and the arm rest is removed so we basically cuddled the whole movie. Right before the movie she said she had a present for me, and handed me my Vegas winnings that I had her put in her purse. I said awww I thought I was getting a present, but this is great...I kinda sorta forgot you had it...oops. Then a little bit later she gave me a handmade money clip with this really nice mini-map of my parents homecity. She got it off of ETSY. It was super sweet, and I definitely need one since she said "I always get worried when you just pull out big wads of cash out of your pockets" (I do always have a lot of cash from work on me, so I was really touched by the gift and most of my friends know me for always dropping $20s when pulling out money from my pocket )

 

Went back to her place, lit some candles and had a very very lovely evening. It just reminded me that everything is going really great and a lot of this crap I've written about is all on me. I am feeling very open and secure with her, and I feel like the sex is getting progressively better...which is kind of amazing since she is thus far my best sexual partner in my life...so I am a little bit on cloud 9. I've had a little bit insomnia these last two weeks, partially I believe because I was overthinking all these things I wrote (which is why I started this journal, even though I was a little hesitant to throw this all out there and be judged for my nuttiness) I slept like a baby...so did she, I wanted to sleep in, I think I'm still tired from the weekend.

 

But wait it gets better, she makes me breakfast this morning even though I told her to stay in bed (starts later than I do) and then hands me a bag full of a bunch of tupperware... it's cinnamon and beef stew, and egg muffin frittatas for the rest of the week, assorted by portion size according to my meal plan. I'm just blown away...

 

No sleepovers till next week since her friend is coming, and I have the wedding to attend to. I am going to join them and be the tour guide for the snorkeling, I might have to bail since I am still uneasy about my knee...I want to get an MRI but my insurance is being a pain in the A, I just want to know it's purely bruising and no ligament damage, so I can start working out again. She asked if she can spend the night at my place tonight since we won't sleep next to each other till next week. We both have busy evenings, so part of me wanted to say no since she'll literally come over and sleep next to me, but I sleep really well next to her, so what's the harm? But perhaps this is an opportunity to work on balancing out space. If we lived with each other, we'd usually sleep next to each other but I'm not sure it's that big of a deal. Lastly, we lived 5 minutes away from each other...so it's really easy to sleep over and then go to our respective places in the morning.

[redrose85]

Can I have your girlfriend? Just for a week or so? lol. She sounds lovely

 

That theatre sounds amazing. We really need one of those. I’d be much more inclined to go to the movies. At our theatres, you’re lucky if the armrest moves.

[BigKK]

Can I have your girlfriend? Just for a week or so? lol. She sounds lovely

 

That theatre sounds amazing. We really need one of those. I’d be much more inclined to go to the movies. At our theatres, you’re lucky if the armrest moves.

 

It's one of my favorites, and you can have drinks there two with a full bar...pretty nice. You can't have her, but I guess I could rent her out.

 

 

 

So I just wanted to say, I was talking with a long time customer and I love when people give life advice. (sarcasm) Essentially it came to the topic that I'm finishing up my engineering degree that I started years ago...I thought I was crazy for restarting but figured it's right for me. She essentially told me about her son and how he hates it, and how I should not even bother since I'm too old (29). I stopped discussing it with her or even "defending" myself since it didn't matter. But there is actually a lot of people with similar opinions. I know in a sense I'm "behind," but behind who? I am not racing anyone. I won't be an ideal candidate for the cream of the crop jobs, but I'm sharp and good with people, I think once I get in there I can shake things up. I'm registered for my classes for next semester, I'm doing an online program. I am not sure how I will handle it, perhaps this differential equation class has made me over-confident. My thought is if I could handle a fast paced math class (the last math class I'll need to take) while being out of school for YEARS and working full time, then taking several ("easier") classes with a slower semester format should be doable. This is very empowering, when I was going through a mild depression...I couldn't even look at these classes, it just seemed like I looked at a mental mount Everest, so why bother taking a step in that direction?

 

I was honestly scared of the work, and now I am really excited and relishing it. I can't wait to bite into it more, I will be eligible to take an engineering internship with a few military contract companies locally. I realize that my peers will be 21 year olds fresh out of college...but whatever, I have more life experience, have ran several businesses by now, and even had a few projects crash and burn. The idea is to keep going. I am trying to take this whole school project one step at a time, and not get ahead of myself. But the "dream" would be combining my two disciplines, finish this engineering degree, and then (if I still have academic stamina) go for a master's in biomechanical engineering. It's funny, in my early 20's I purely would pick jobs based on their pay. When the going got tough, I didn't have enough drive or determination to get through it...I'd ask why? "Just for money" and I crumbled under the harder work. I'm a different student than I was when I was 20. I know some people rip through college and just start their "rest of the story" I've accepted that I'm a late bloomer and it took me awhile to figure what I want to do exactly... and honestly it's a relaxing liberating feeling. Even if everything goes to crap (lose job, relationship, friends, family, whatever tragedy can strike) I am hedged with this program and have enough to complete it...it's kind of my rock right now. It's nice having my close family be supportive, and also my girlfriend is very supportive as well.

[BigKK]

So today is my cousin's wedding. Miss K has a friend visiting, turns out the premise of her visit was to ask her to be a bridesmaid for her wedding. (She had a courthouse wedding but no ceremony) I'm happy for her, but just a tad bummed still she won't be joining me.

 

I know it was my mistake, I let it go...but all my friends have a +1 except me but for some reason hearing the premise of her trip makes me think, sure she'd understand and perhaps even want to join. But miss K never mentioned it to her, we will hang out on Saturday and I will just keep it to myself that I was at a wedding.

 

I already know myself, and trying to make a preventative plan for tonight. If I am out drinking, and she is also... When I get home I am going to try to see her. I'm wondering if I will just lay off the drinking, last time I had a few too many I almost tore my ACL and I'm still recovering. But I know a drunk BigK with his girlfriend just blocks away will be attempting to meet after the wedding, it will sound pathetic but I want to be "in the moment" with my friends, and I'm considering just leaving my phone behind since I know she'll be giving me updates of her evening, and if drinking I'll try to weasel my way in. I know I am not cured, but this just shows me that I have a long way to go with this dance of space and balance. I think she has a better time with it than I do, but I just long for her... I want to be able to control these thoughts and feelings. I have a lot of things to do and need to realize that when I am apart I am much more productive, but as some has mentioned it's almost like using her like a drug. I have no problems being happy on my own when I'm single, so why the sudden flip? I read somewhere that this is early love stuff and it'll pass, I'm not fully convinced and if I could just feel fine and not have this "I miss her" feeling subside I would be happy. I know the whole "maybe I'll meet up with her after the wedding" is a way to self-sooth this feeling, but it'll just be a burden and furthermore I truly want to give her space to just have fun with her friend.

 

Just going to spit out my last thoughts, to try to decipher what the root cause of this is? Now that I am in a relationship perhaps I have a skewed deep down thought of if we're not together doing things we are drifting? I would get a little anxious when my ex would go out on her own, and she'd come home just plastered, saying nonsense, vomiting etc, I always felt if she was dumb enough to get that drunk then "slipping up" and cheating would be far behind when that drunk. Miss K's drinking days are not behind her and I've heard stories of her getting really drunk (once or twice with me) perhaps I worry (trust issue) she'll do it without me, but being in a relationship I really don't think she'd do anything inappropriate with someone else, so perhaps I am seeking control.

 

Anyway, she sent me a bunch of texts last night about being a bridesmaid, a funny story about getting a table, etc. I was half asleep and just responded with congrats. She is a fairly heavy phone user and I am considering telling her to lay off telling me so many details over text and leave it in person. I do like to hear what she's up in the moment and it's nice, but I think it's her way to not have space and stay connected, if I'm just as responsive... She'll never build longing or missing feeling, plus I won't need to hear updates about her days. I'll just review what she already said.

[redrose85]

You’re sounding very insecure right now, and I can tell you, HUGE turn off. If she has reserved this time to be with her friend, you should do the same. Go to the wedding, have fun, don’t stress about not having a +1. Dance with the little kids and make all the women swoon Go out with your friends afterwards, have a couple beer, and just have fun. You can see Ms. K later on

[BigKK]

Yes, I know...I was in a bad spot. It really hit me in the Church during the ceremony...I was glad she wasn't there with her friend. It was too small of a ceremony, and her friend would of been miserable. I had a good time, wedding ended at 11pm, and I went out with friends and met up with my girlfriend. Had a blast...

 

took her and her friend snorkeling, and it was basically all laughs the whole time, watched the sunset, had dinner and dessert

 

 

I am almost too ashamed to write it but I am not sure what is going on. We had sex last night ,and it was great. This morning she made some kind of innuedos, suggestions and invitation, so I took it as "I want sex" so I initiated...she then stopped me, and said she was kidding...and I got upset... I couldn't help it, It was like a knee jerk reaction... ughh... and so it begins, I tried to hide the fact that I got upset for a moment since I thought "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU "KIDD" ABOUT THAT" and then it became a misunderstanding... she asked me about it, I said it's nothing, etc etc uncomfortable back and forth....

 

she then ends with saying she doesn't want this to be a thing but now it is, her ex would get angry with her and expected sex every morning and every night, I was really sad that 1. I made her feel like that 2. I got upset, 3. I am having some trouble misreading her cues, and then getting upset rather than just playing it off and not minding...

 

 

I guess the sexual honeymoon is over... we were having sex anywhere from 4-12 times a week, and now it's once or twice. It's not enough for me...and I don't know if it's my fault, if she is just "content" in the beginning she said she has a really high libido, and it seemed like it. Or is this still the aftermath after initiating and getting upset that OTHER time, 2-3 weeks ago. Essentially I am confused and upset, and know this is crap. I Hope I didn't ruin anything, but my only solution is backing off from initiating sex for awhile...

 

 

My only defense was she kept eluding to sex in the morning and at night, and then asked me to lay ontop of her (we were both naked) when I started getting frisky she pushed me off and said she just wanted me to lay there? I felt like I'm getting toyed with at that point, and immediately went to anger.

 

I am lost, I feel like I don't know if its me, if it's her, if I am now #1 villain of a boyfriend. But regardless, what do you do when you have way more of a libido than your partner? 1 partner feels unloved, while the other feels pressured. Is this a temporary thing, do I decide if I accept it or move on? Am I ingeneral an overzealous sexual guy that is going to go from relationship to relationship like this, is this the beginning of the end, sign of things to come? Can it get better? After we talked about it, she said she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't want to make it a thing if we keep discussing it since it'll be bigger than it is. But I feel like the magic is lost and kind of deflated, I know she doesn't feel good. I am now lumped into ex-boyfriend's bad quality (in her mind)...and just have a bad feeling. We then changed the subject and she asked if I would come over and help her make dinner? I said yes...obviously won't even make a move, but it feels like a perfect weekend ending went to sh*t with me showing emotion. My only question is what kind of "joke" or "kidding" is that...it's not my kind of humor and almost like teasing. Left a bad taste in my mouth, and I don't want to call it quits yet but have an uneasy feeling.

[Fudgie]

Hi BigKK. Haven't commented on your thread before but I'll take a stab, okay?

 

I am wondering if your "uneasy feeling" is more from something going on in the relationship in terms of resentment/miscommunication rather than just the sex issue. A great decrease in sex can be, but not always, an indication of emotional issues going on with a couple. The way she freaked out at you for buying full cream over half and half, I agree with TOV, it's not about the cream, it's about another issue. I'm wondering what that is. Do you have any more recent insights into what that may be? It may not be anything you're doing wrong either. Could be something off with her expectations or something.

 

I have no idea about her libido. I know that the frequency of sex will go down in a relationship as time goes on and the honeymoon wears off. That's natural. Maybe this is her "natural state", maybe not maybe it's due to some emotions she has towards you on her side. It's really hard to tell and I'm not comfortable making a call on that.

 

After a lot of examination of myself and how I've been over the years, I like sex a couple to a few times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I've gone through a sexless relationship and a relationship where I was asked almost everyday. I'm on neither end of the extreme and I think it's important to try and find someone who "matches" you in that regard, even if it means for awkward conversation. I would never take the frequency of sex in the beginning of a relationship to be ANY indication of "normal". Infatuation makes you do things out of the norm.

 

As for the teasing, I can see why you're upset. I think you need to be calm and open with her, and tell her, it's very hard for her to tease you like that and not have it lead to sex. I don't think you are wrong for feeling that way at all. It is very difficult. I do like to tease myself but only if it ends in pleasure. It is not fair for someone, women or men, to tease their partner and imply that there will be sex and then there is none. It's best to just not tease like that unless you truly want to follow through.

 

I think couples who have a mismatch in libidos, well, masturbation can help the more sexual partner if they truly need a release. It's normal and healthy to masturbate while you're in a relationship. I don't know if you currently do but I hope you haven't ruled it out. It may help you.

[mhowe]

I call bs on her --- you don't ask a guy to lay on top of you naked and then throw up a road block.

 

Next time she pulls this ---- make a joke of asking up front ---- do I have green light or are you just blowing smoke again.

 

Really dude --- I know you are young --- but sex 12x a week is really making the relationship about sex.

[DancingFool]

Sex 12 times per week .... unless you are living together and seeing each other every single day, it basically means that when you do see each other all you are doing is humping her or trying to. I can see how that would get old fast and she would start losing interest in intimacy. I don't know, you've got to get a handle on that or this is not going to fly. Make sure you are good and spent before you head over or something so you have some self control.

 

Add to it that pretty much not a week goes by where you don't have some kind of a hissy fit/pouting episode over some small little thing. Just reading your thread is kind of exhausting. I can't imagine dealing with it in real life. You are putting your gf through hell and eventually she will get burned out, fed up and dump you.

 

Frankly, I think a large part of your issue is that you are over invested and going at 2000 miles per hour while she is just not there yet. Instead of cooling your jets and letting her catch up, you are acting up. Unless you get a grip, you are going to get what you are so afraid of - your walking papers.

[BigKK]

I know this thread is exhausting, I had a few good talks with close friends and am just working on calming down.

 

I'm giving myself some space, she wanted to come over tomorrow, and I said how about we just do something on Saturday. I know I am throwing hissy fits, half the stuff I write here, she doesn't have a clue about since I know it's unreasonable.

 

Last night, I told her I'm busy and can't hang out(she wanted to) and she kept asking if she can at least sleep over. I obliged. She was very energetic, happy and did the same thing hey how about you lay on me. (Mind you, at this point I am backing off from initiating) so I do, we cuddle, and she says hey why do you have clothes on. And it leads to sex with her initiating... It was really nice.

I think dancing fool is right, I need to calm down a little... I am. I don't have much to say since everything feels fine, I don't need sex 12 times a week. I think she is going into her "normal state" which is fine honestly. I think we were having so much sex in the beginning it was almost like habit (and that makes it less fun for everyone).

Last night she threw out the idea that she is going on a two week Japan work trip, and wants to extend an extra week if I could join her. I thought it was really nice of her. She also brought me amazing cauliflower shrimp curry. I feel like I was and am being too much, and just calming down. She has some baggage, I do too, and it's coming out in the start of this relationship but I feel much more at ease.

 

She asked me to go lift with her and show her a routine, and has worked out 5 days straight. I'm trying to be supportive boyfriend without getting too involved.

 

Unfortunately we can't rock climb, row, or play tennis together since my knee isn't getting better. I'm still waiting for my MRI appointment. We might snorkel again since visibility was terrible and it's something I can still do.

 

In other life news, I got my classes for next semester. 4 engineering courses online, while holding down a fulltime job. I'm mostly afraid of thermodynamics and how I will juggle all of this. I'm considering cutting my hours at work since I feel completing this on time is important.

 

Last thing, baby sister (21)is moving in with her boyfriend. I tried to talk to her and at first she didn't even want to listen. But I told her, she has to learn on her own... I love her and she can always call me and talk to me. I would prefer she not, and focus on finding a job, but I think she has to learn on her own. She's convinced this is the best thing for her.

[DancingFool]

Sounds like things are better when you give her some room to reciprocate attention and take charge a bit.

[BigKK]

Sounds like things are better when you give her some room to reciprocate attention and take charge a bit.

 

Indeed, it was such an immediate reaction it was scary. I am actively trying to make myself more busy rather than just being a phonecall away for her. I think it'll just naturally make her appreciate our time together. Yesterday I didn't miss her at all, which just shows we spend a lot of time together. I don't know if that's a feeling I want...but now I am looking forward to doing something with her over the weekend. I think we are going to rent a catamaran and sail the bay, possibly snorkel once more.

 

 

 

On the school side, I finished my final yesterday. I have a 3 week break until my next class, it's like I need a project to keep my mind busy. Work isn't enough. I started looking at available local internships or possibly paid positions...it seems as though biomedical engineering jobs appeal to me the most. I have a bachelors in Exercise science, and being able to create things that directly help people with their quality of life seems like it's right down my alley. I am currently managing the family business automotive repair...and business has been slow, it's just not my passion at all. I am great with customers, but I often joke with my friends...part of my job is ruining people's days. Of course when you bring your car in, you expect that funny noise to hopefully "just be a belt," nah...you know that noise? You've been running on low oil, and that's your internal parts slapping around...you need a new engine. Then after cries of despair, I also become therapist and hear about how hard it makes their life right now. I know it does. Let's just say I don't always skip into work clicking my heels, and at this point, intellectually, I can do most of everything in my sleep. So in my downtime I'm either here, working on new marketing materials, on ENA over thinking my life, or now...also looking around for other jobs/internships and just firing off resumes.

[BigKK]

I have been overthinking this...

 

 

Yesterday after work, I went to workout and on a walk on the beach, my girlfriend was texting me that she is making dinner and wants me to come over. I told her I would finish my walk and then walk to her place. So we just had dinner, it was late...watched one show and went to bed.

 

She's been exercising a lot this week, and also has had a very physical week at work...I felt her shoulders and said wow you're tight, I'm gonna loosen them up. Gave her a massage, and she said will you get mad if I fall asleep, I said of course not, besides I've fallen asleep during your massages, and she responded OH YEAH, ok! I finished massaging her whole body (I was tired myself) and we both slipped into sleep, I slept like a baby, I'm still coming off of this whole math bender. We slept intertwined all night and I loved it, we both woke up at 5am, and both half asleep started kissing each other, and fell backasleep. After the 8th snooze alarm, she jumps ontop of me and just goes at it. It was yet again...a surprise, and amazing. Really passionate, really good, luckily no one else was home.

 

I know in the previous post I said space and availability but oh well, things are good and I think I've gotten over a lot of the issues. In the morning she told me she's thankful I came into her life. I think after my few mistakes with over-eagerness, not standing up for myself, and thinking I'm not a priority...all those thoughts are gone, and I feel sane again. (for now, hehe)

 

 

Going to the beach to surf after work, then BBQ at my place. Tomorrow I'm thinking either going bike riding to a museum with my girlfriend or catamaraning with some friends. One of her close friend's girlfriends just moved out here, and the four of us get along extremely well together...so I'll ask her to invite them along...never thought much of double dates but they can be fun with a good pair.

 

On Sunday she's going kayaking with a special needs group she volunteers for, I think it's amazing she does things like that with her busy life and schedule and still squeezes it in, I always wanted to volunteer and think I might something that resonates with me and give it a shot, I'm trained in Adapted Physical education and would like to do that as a volunteer rather than for work.

[BigKK]

Last thing, a swift punch in the gut. Not sure how I missed this. I am doing a second bachelors degree online, and have been poking around and been trying to pay my tuition. EVERYWHERE it said $170/unit, and I always thought it was excellent price. "If it's too good to be true it probably is" Today I found the $654/unit charges +$170/unit . My semester tuition just went from $1500 to $8500 for 3 classes!! I was going to easily handle the first one, but the second almost makes me reconsider everything. We're talking at a minimum $30,000. The whole thing that drew me to this was "wow I can get my education and not go deep into debt" I am debt free right now, and really struggling swallowing this.

 

It makes me almost want to pursue a local second bachelors and just deal with work somehow... a local college is roughly $2500-3500 a semester. The catch? this college doesn't accept second bachelors...considering not sending transcripts from the school I graduated, and just from the community colleges that has my engineering prereqs...it's dishonest, and I'm wondering if it could come back to haunt me?

 

Or I just swallow it, take as many local classes as I can (charges $250 a unit if you're not enrolled) which I thought was expensive, and now it sounds cheap compared to $950! I checked other local schools... USD Charges $1,300/unit hehe!

 

Anyway I feel dumb not following this up, but I swear they kind of hid it in their program... $170/unit is plastered everywhere for their marketing, I checked it out too. Shame on me.

 

 

If I look at it as an investment it still sounds ok, $30k (more realistically it's going to be pushing $50k) opens me up to $60-70k+ jobs almost immediately in 2-3 years, but I loved the fact that I wasn't going to be a dime in debt... I always considered that a "Plus" as far as when people dated me, and I was a little scared when my ex-girlfriend had over $60k in school loans.

[redrose85]

Forget about your net worth for people you date. You’re bettering your future and when you make more, you’ll be able to pay your debt off faster. Student loans can be scary, but it’s not like it’s consumer debt because you were being irresponsible with credit.

 

I did the same thing once. I THOUGHT I was going to be making $9/hour at the school paper. What I got was $150 per issue. We had just bought our house and I had a full-blown panic attack when I got my first cheque. Luckily, we had bought on the premise that we could pay the mortgage just on one income, but it was still a moment of feeling incredibly stupid and terrified all at once. We all make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up and try not to take the “easier” way out (being dishonest)