The Steps to Healing; Step by Step with Quotes, excerpts, and personal notes.

[thebeautiful]

Here we go, I can post my original Twelve Step Program thread here.

[thebeautiful]

I'm being just a little presumptuous when I call this the "Twelve Step Program for Healing From A Separation" but I mean to build a plan for myself and likewise others should chime in.

 

Firstly, a tiny background check: I divorced in 2012, we share one child. Immediately after my divorce, I had zero contact with my ex. I spent two and a half months picking up the pieces - pieces like:

 

* I couldn't walk upright straight with confidence, my back was so slumped from psychological despair (depression, sadness)

 

* didn't know how to make all my decisions for myself (he made them for me most of the time)

 

* had gained and ballooned to a whopping 190 pounds on a 5'6 frame (I was 120lbs when we got married)

 

*Hadn't been to the hair salon in almost a year...imagine that...it was a nightmare.

 

* I had physiological repercussions from our bad relationship and life together.

 

Truly, it was a traumatic experience for me (I don't know about you all, but mine tested me a lot).

 

I remember my family being shocked when I decided to take the 2000$ I had with me and move into a small bedroom in some lady's house that she was renting. I found a job in two weeks (in a group interview of 30 people - but to be fair it was just a bakery girl doing hard labor but it was a job which I hadn't had in a while during our marriage). I was also able to purchase a bicycle, and rode that everywhere. I bought a simple flip phone that only let me text and voice call, no data. My diet was pretty much eat whatever I want, whenever I want (but I still managed to slop off the pounds by exercising and being mindful of what was going in my mouth).

 

I went to Forever 21 (bad quality but looks good, right?) in December 2012 and bought a lot of really hot, attractive outfits for my new 150lb frame. I felt so free, confident...it was like having pure oxygen versus inhaling downtown L.A smog.

 

But, it was all too good to be true, right? This isn't one of those stories where everything goes so smoothly...the only thing that went smoothly after that was healing as it walked right out of my life.

 

Yep, you guessed it, my ex came back into my life because of our shared custody of our daughter (did I mention that she is very precocious and my healing is important to her personality as it develops? Frustrating!) - and he has moved close so that he can share her with me. But all of a sudden, those pillars I was raising for a strong foundation for my future started to crack. I remember turning to food first, cramming in the junk food - donuts, cookies, anything sugary to give me a high. Then the gym became too old, too cheap so I needed to join a nicer gym and then I never really went anyway after a few months. I started to feel that anxiety creep back into my life. My Forever21 outfits piled up in a dusty corner of my closet. My hard earned life was breaking apart again.

 

I started resenting him, for many personal reasons, too much to write here, but the fact is that I was beginning to focus on the past again. Every time I saw him it was like looking at the reflection of all my bad decisions, impulsiveness, irresponsibilities of youth etc...And eventually, that's how the cookie crumbled.

 

I regained that weight and crept up to 198lbs this time. I couldn't go to the gym everyday, but I would trudge there maybe twice a week and do a half assed routine then leave embarrassed. And, at the same time, I started to date, for the wrong reason. I started looking for someone to make me feel better, make me look good, and satisfy some of my subconscious fears and issues. I had eyes for all the bad boys and the more aggressive they were the more I wanted them. The kicker is that I wanted them to love me. And I wanted to smother them. I'll admit it, like a dragon protecting her gold, I wanted a man with tats and motorcycles (nothing against a man who has these but does not embody a bad boy persona) but I wanted him in love with me and devoted to me. Well....that's not going to fly with a man like that. Most of these dates went on a few times then turned into breakups. I couldn't handle the breakup part, because I felt absolutely abandoned to face the menace of my ex, and my impending self-destruction all alone.

 

As it turns out...you really do need to heal. You need time, space, environment to get things right. At least, that's what personal experience gave me a glimpse of. You need to have a clear goal. You need to have the strength to get to those goals. There is no way I can have a happy, in love, motivated partner when I'm half-assing this free ride of life myself.

 

That is far fetched. But it was a good way to sort of "check out" for a while, from my responsibility to myself: to love ME.

 

Now, to the best part (I hope), here is the point of my thread:

 

I would like to begin that journey again, through healing, through going to healing centers, joining some meaningful social groups (groups that let you talk and discuss things versus groups that preach to you what to think), through disconnecting from the useless gossipy nature of social media and smartphones (is it possible to live life without a smartphone or being online all the time?), downsizing my life so I can concentrate on myself and also my daughter.

 

So, what are the steps to healing? What kinds of things can be done on a daily basis that can be done to help release the fears, tensions...I think that thinking about this won't hurt me, in the end, I'll find at least a few new ideas.

 

Right now, I've already begun exercising and eating well [three weeks now]. I have a few extra calorie meals here and there but I don't kill myself over it [i think it was In N Out hamburger without special sauce on Sunday night haha]

 

I've lost a few pounds.

 

Enjoying doing the little things again: riding my bicycle again.

 

Found a child therapist who is going to see both of us together, give us some insight on our relationship and behavior together (I want to know what I'm doing wrong).

 

Planted a mint plant - it's been growing for two weeks now and I water it everyday (except today, better go water that after this!!)

 

Sold my ridiculously revenue guzzling used Porsche and bought a reliable little Honda (I can't figure out how to live life bicycling in a big city with my daughter --- When I did it before we lived up in Northern California and it was very peaceful and safe there)

 

Decided to move away from the same town as my Ex and am in the process of figuring out his days and my days so that I don't see him anymore (i.e. drop off and pick up from her school) at least for the next year or two until I am stronger than ever.

 

Started to look for a better job now, not selling myself short anymore.

 

Not dating anyone right now for four months. But I went to dinner with a guy that was the polar opposite of a "bad boy" type and he was really great except that I didn't feel that lightning bolt I felt for those types - I want to feel that for a guy like him, so I need more time...I'm still not ready.

 

...And that's all I have for now. What do I add to the list? And what would I do in a perfect environment to heal myself? I don't know. Tired now, but I'll post more on this again in a few days.

[thebeautiful]

I need to add that while I was in the unhealthy relationship with my Ex I was smoking too.

 

I was able to quit smoking during my "healing period" which was significant. I had enough mental strength to stop the habit because of sheer force of will. Mind over matter.

[thebeautiful]

Today, here is the good news:

 

I maintained eating healthy no matter what was going on.

 

I managed to really find a point in my thoughts that I could anchor on. And that was...I clearly do not have the right perspective on dating and relationships. I have dated men that have really hurt me, and not by their own fault, but because I could see they are not good men (more selfish, talking about other women to me once or twice, luring me in then when they're done spitting me out...not caring when I am in pain).

 

I realized that I am very low self esteem. That I don't value myself as much as I thought I did. I value the man I'm dating more than my own desires or needs. Too much.

 

The bad of today:

 

I feel really ashamed of myself...degraded by my own actions. I understand that this is a weakness in me. That I have been afraid of abandonment since I was first abandoned as a child. I understood today that I'm still that little girl....wishing that they would just love me. But they don't.

 

I don't know what good love looks like.

[thebeautiful]

Went to the therapist today...It feels good to just let the pressure off of the emotional side of life. And unexpected links came up between some of my thinking and the past events in my life. In retrospect, I should have done this a long time ago.