Mentor Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 You sound sooo much better than you did in your first post. I was worried about you Keep up the positive attitude, and look at the new year as a fresh start! Good luck, and we are always here if you need to talk.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thisisnotanexit Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted December 30, 2004 Author Share Posted December 30, 2004 Thanks Hopefully you guys don't mind if I post again or pm some of you if I get down again..it helps to talk about it sometimes, and it's hard to find people online at this time of night (i.e. counsellors if I decide to see them..I'm still hesitant as to whether they'll help or will just be a waste of time..) Thanks again, sparrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentor Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Of course! There is almost always someone here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Hey, I just wanted to say that after my Christmas break and the start of a new semester, I'm feeling a lot better. My first week back was awful though -- I wasn't able to sleep for days & had to take sleeping pills (which still didn't work), which completely due to nerves. I also think I have an OCD type personality..one of my friends told me that & I looked it up and found a lot of things rang true. And I also have an OCD disorder, and I think my perfectionism may be related to that. However, I am learning to take it easy, especially with relationships. Additionally, one of my best friends I realized was having a really negative influence on me as she is a complete genius (honestly tested as one), and is a bit neurotic and unhealthily perfectionistic (way more than me.) She was also considering suicide & I think talking with her brought me down a lot. Now, although we're still somewhat friends, I try to distance myself from her because there's a lot of things I found I don't like about her (she's way too competitive & told me she's tried to screw over friends in the past for her own benefit -- i.e. tried to talk friends out of going to grad school so there would be less competition for her. Isn't that awful?) But anyways, now when she calls I try to be sympathetic but I honestly tell her that I'm not in the mood & move on. Also, I realized that it's not the end of the world if I don't succeed or go to law school. There's other avenues, including graduate school, which is still a possibility. If I want it enough, I'm sure I can succeed, I just have to try stop thinking about the future. This was also very hard, because whenever I talked with that friend, this is literally ALL she would talk about. And it's hard because as much as I care abuot her, and can even relate to her on some level, I have to somewhat distance myself from her because it's honestly too much to handle, and too depressing for me to talk with her. Academically, I am also trying to be on top of things, stop procrastinating as much & organizing my time better, and so far it seems to be working (except for now, as I'm writing this..I'm sorta taking a break.) So I just wanted to post that update.. =) Thanks again, sparrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentor Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Sounds great Sparrow! Do yourself (and me) a favour, and lay off the sleeping pills, OK? You are right, they really don't work unless they are prescription. I was taking them when I broke up with my gf before Christmas, and wound up ODing twice and really getting sick. They are hell on your kidneys. Your perspective seems much healthier. I also once had to purge an unhealthy friendship from my life, and got 100% stronger afterwards. Grad school isn't all that bad. I went that route, and love my career now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Hi, I would love to go to grad school if law school doesn't work out, but I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get in with my grades..hopefully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted February 16, 2005 Author Share Posted February 16, 2005 Ok, I have decided that I'm going to seek professional counselling tomorrow, or at least make an appointment with a counsellor at my school's guidance office. I have been relatievly happy lately, but today just hit an all-time low, and this is what usually happens. It's almost like manic-depression in that I acn be perfectly happy but then very down in a few minutes after considering the fact that I may not be successful (i.e. after failing another test...) I am seriously considering suicide and at this point think it would probably be best to get help before anything drastic happens. Thanks for everyone's help, and I just really hope things get better...I know committing suicide would be awful for my family, and my parents are going through a lot worse stuff than I am right now (my mom has recently gone on disability leave actually), so I feel really bad getting so upset about petty troubles like school. But it's the truth.....for various reasons I feel incompetent, ashamed and I just wish I weren't living any more...I wish I could dig myself a hole and just go to sleep eternally, and never wake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thisisnotanexit Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 yes, seek help, becauase frankly, if you think bad grades and not being "successful" are worth dying for, you really need to talk to someone or maybe get on some sort of medication. you have to see that life goes on, that grades and what you think of success is not what life is all about. how do you measure success anyway? i don't think success has to be about making huge sums of money. just keep trying your best, that's all you can do it and things will work out for the best. you don't want to let people down by being "unsucessful," but reallly, do what do tthink committing suicide will do? talk about a let down. they'll be more than just disappointed, they'll be devastated and hurt. talk to someone about this please, because it's simply not worth it. please don't do something drastic. hang in there and believe me, things will happen for you. we're all here for you or call 1-800-SUICIDE, it's confidential take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted February 16, 2005 Author Share Posted February 16, 2005 Thanks so much for your post... I'm just at my school's library right now, and was going to go to the counselling centre when I met one of my most favorite people -- my old history TA. It was such a coincidence because if there's anyone I needed to talk to, he would be it...he was my best friend last year, and I e-mailed him twice last month although he never e-mailed me back & I thought it was because he was disappointed with my performance in class (I did poorly on the final exam and he joked that if I didn't do great, he wouldn't talk to me ever again...I thought he was joking and never took it seriously but since he hasn't been responding to my e-mails I started to re-consider that...) Anyway, he told me that his e-mail service was down & that I should really call him sometimes...I never told him about my troubles but we talked about graduate school, and he gave me so much optimism. He told me that I was one of his favorite students, and he just wants the best for me and is always there if I need him. He said that he is even willing to privately tutor me over the summer if I ever need any help in history (as I told him I want to take another history course over the summer.) He really helped me to realize that life doesn't end after a few months or disappointments, but I should keep going, no matter how much may happen, and no matter how down I get. He knows that I have some trouble with exam writing, but he said that he's the same way and it's just something you have to learn...he didn't tell me there was anything wrong with me, or that I was stupid or something, which was what I was feeling like lately. I'm just so happy now...it was truly a coincidence that we met, but he was really the one person I needed to talk to and that could've helped me the most at this time, and I'm just so glad we happened to meet (the last time we bumped into each other was back in November I think, so it was quite opportune. I think I'm going to exercise & get some work done, and I think I'll be able to get past this. I don't feel like I really need a counselling appointment now, but I'm sure thbere will be times I feel really down again and it would probably be best to have someone to talk to in those cases...today I will, however, book an appt. with my school's learning centre, because I think there may be some exam strategy tips I can learn that may help me in the future and I think that would be really beneficial (especially if I end up taking the LSAT...I need to learn how to deal with anxiety.) Thanks, sparrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arwen Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Hey sparrow, If you read this topic from the start, it is such a beautiful thing to see you going from deep down to so much better. It is a good thing that you decided to find counselling. Although it's sad to think that there will be periods in life that you will find yourself down at the bottom again, you also know that you have gotten out of that place before. Good luck girl, I am sure you will be fine in your studies. Your worth does not depend on how well you do in school, try to remember that. Maybe it takes some of the pressure away. Take care, Ilse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thisisnotanexit Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 wonderful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Thanks. To be honest, I don't think I'd be able to commit suicide. It's something I entertained as a romantic possibility, but I don't think I could actually go through with it. In any case, these last few days... have been hell. I haven't even been that stressed, I never had anything due, but it's just in anticipation of next week & the week after, which will be hell. I have a major essay due next week & presentation in 2 classes that I'm currently bombing... like I'm seriously getting below the class average in each. I should've dropped one course but didn't thinking I could magically bring it up, which isn't happening... it's just getting worse. And the other class I think I can improve on, but I'm not sure how much. The problem is that everything is so condensed; like I have less than one week now to write my essay (it's due Thursday) and I know I'm not going to have it done. But I'll have to compromise the quality of my essay, which I'm not accustomed to. But I know in advance that I can't do well. It's the most depressing thought ever for a perfectionist like me. I don't even want to try. Consequently, I haven't started it yet. I want to die theoretically I suppose, like I want to just disappear, but I don't actually want to go through the act of killing myself. I just don't want to see what comes next... I'm terrified of next year. I know that next year is the most important year for law schools, and I have to do well. I should be doing well this year because it's the easiest year in undergrad and I would be doing well if not for these initial screwups... I shouldn't have taken English and I should've studied harder for international politics. It's just so incredibly annoying, I want to just disappear. I don't want to acknowledge these failures & ill decisions. I shouldn't have taken economics. My GPA would have been in a very safe range for first year, I should've accepted a W. I just hate myself for not making wiser choices because my marks don't reflect my potential... I'm terrified of this year being over, and I really don't want to move on. I don't want to go to third year. I'm not sure I'm ready yet, everything is going so fast... I just want this all to stop. I hate this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arwen Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Sparrow, I can relate to what you're telling me. Being a perfectionist can result in doing nothing if you feel you can't make it perfect anyway. How about the counselling? What does this person say? You're not alone here, Ilse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Thanks Ilse. I never ended up going to the counsellor after all... I just talked with my friends instead & things worked out ok at the time. But now I just want to disappear and never wake up again... I just talked with another TA (not my favorite one that I talked about before) -- we had an appt. to talk about my essay, and he didn't help much. He was just like "just dismiss this year, and you'll get good grades next year, everything will work out ok, who cares..." sorta attitude. But he can't really relate -- he's in one of the best Ph.D programs at a top ivy league university, so of course it's easy for him. He's never gotten less than an A in anything, he can't relate. He thinks I'll somehow magically get into law school, but doesn't know the realities of it... I don't even know if he was being sincere or not. I'm like failing his class, and yet he thinks I'm going to get in... I don't know. Things are just so screwed up, I don't even want to think of this anymore. I just want to dissolve, go away so much....... Sorry, I know this post makes no sense, but I really just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to commit suicide, but I don't want to go through this frustration anymore, and I don't know what to do. I just wish I were smarter I suppose... life sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted March 13, 2005 Author Share Posted March 13, 2005 OK, I've bounced back again... I decided to take up another poster's idea & bought a journal for myself, so I'll write in there, I think it helps. In any case, I've got my motivation back slightly, things were just hell this weekend, and I was so sluggish I couldn't get anything done. And when I'm not productive I get depressed, and when I'm depressed I can't be productive, so it was just a bad cycle. Right now I'm doing ok, frustrated with school, but trying to take things one day at a time instead of looking towards the future and being intimidated by it. Thanks, sparrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arwen Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Hey sparrow, Seems like a good idea, here you'll also have some feedback that might give you some extra insights on your situation. It's sad that your TA cannot relate to you. Don't let him get you down, or intimidate you with his 'scores' and 'levels' in education. It's all so relative. Life is not about those things, it's about the way you develop yourself personally. The biggest achievements are in my opinion to know what you did yourself. To recognize you accomplished something, whether someone else marked that with an A or no one has ever laid eyes on your work. If you know for yourself you made the best out of your capacities and followed your own insights in things, it means you have confidence. I will keep reading you here! take care, Ilse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MetallicAguy Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Sparrow, you will be a failure if you kill yourself. It is a irreversible error that will affect everyone. Even people you don't know. Everyone wants out. Everyone has their own flaws, and problems. Your not alone, someone else in this world feels the same way about a similar or same problem. Now I know your a smart person, just if you battle this plague taking over you causing you to fail I know you can succeed in life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyNinja Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 metallicaguy is absolutely right....put into realization that what you're going throught will not be an everlasting deal 5 years from now you might say to yourself, "what was i thinking! my life is great and i can overcome anything!" just live one day at a time and the your past life and standards slowly die away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted March 14, 2005 Author Share Posted March 14, 2005 Thanks guys. Yeah I think a part of the problem is that I don't have a lot of confidence in myself sometimes (especially doing research), and am too indecisive... I can never just choose a path & go with it. I have a feeling life is going to lead me through a lot of roads, and not all of them will be nice and straight. I know I have some weaknesses that may even prevent me from getting into law school, or from practicing it in the end. But at the same time that doesn't mean my life is over... I don't know. I'll just have to see how things go. Anyways, back to my English presentation. Thanks, sparrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MetallicAguy Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 Buy this book called Attitude Is Everything. I don't know the author, but I think his names Mark. And on the cover the colors are Red and White. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MetallicAguy Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 The book really worked for me I used to be a really negative pessimistic person. Now I'm really upbeat and happy. Oh yeah, if anyone has a relaxed attitude towards life how did you change it? It's affecting my life A LOT negatively and I'm worried about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted March 14, 2005 Author Share Posted March 14, 2005 Thanks MetallicAguy, I'll check it out. =) As for your question, I'd create a new post on that, perhaps in the "Emotions & Feelings" section to get more replies, although you may want to be more specific about your problem so that people can help you. sparrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily04 Posted March 22, 2005 Author Share Posted March 22, 2005 I'm screwed. My gpa is seriously screwed. I can't concentrate on classes anymore. My essay in international politics was due last Thursday -- it's Tuesday, and I still haven't started it. I'm going to finish it for today though, but it's going to suck. I'll probably get a C at most, because I lose 10% in late marks. I'm just so apathetic about life I hate it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arwen Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 Hey Sparrow, Give yourself a break. When you feel depressed, it's normal to have trouble with concentrating. Is there any way you can switch GPA? He sounds really like the last person you can use at this moment. Try to stick through. I still have to write a paper that was due 3 years ago. lol. How is the contact with the professor that gives that class about politics? Do you have personal contact? If things continue this way, it might be sensible to slow down in the study department and really take the time to work on your problems first. My friend has stopped her study completely, I took a 50% for a long time. We are both really back in business now. Depressed feelings absorb all your mental space and energy. You shouldn't beat yourself up about having a hard time focusing. Take care, Ilse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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