The Chronicles of Bunney's Love Life

[Bunney]

Haha, I totally couldn't come up with a good title. Whatever though. Right now I feel this strong urge to start a journal, somewhere I can write my thoughts down, to be able to analyze them better, and to be able to look back in the future and see exactly the progress I've made and how my patterns have changed. I've always thought of writing as a really great outlet, something so therapeutic about it. Sometimes I have so many things on my mind and I'd just really love to share and get it all out, but I never really did..until now.. we will see how long I'll keep it up. It'd be awesome to get people's views from time to time, but even if nobody ever reads this, it'll still be good to just write away.

 

The reason the urge is so strong right now is because I've met someone, someone I can see myself falling madly in love with, and ever since then my life has changed somehow.

I haven't been seriously involved with anyone for a quite long time so I feel like I'm in some kind of whirlwind of emotions right now, I am confused and happy and scared and overjoyed all at the same time. But I guess that's normal.

 

To be able to atleast somewhat understand my thoughts & feelings (which is definitely one hell of a tough task, because I'm just that complicated), I guess we'll have to take a walk down history lane & get some facts about me as a person.

When I first signed up eNotalone, almost eight years ago, I was a complete mess of a person. I'm almost emberassed to admit that I was only 15 years old and in the middle of my first 'big relationship' (he was 4 years older), a long distance one but real and serious nonetheless. I was young and stupid but it was the only time in my life so far that I can say I really loved a guy, and not just teenage puppy love. The first 2 years of it, I was crazy and insecure and ridiculously jealous, and monitored him like the complete control-freak that I was. He stood by me anyway and loved me for who I was deep down, but after nearly 3 years of being together I ended it (in 2008 ) because I wasn't feeling happy/in love anymore and felt like I was too young to be in a serious relationship & wanted to be free. We both knew it had to end so he didn't try to stop me from leaving, but it was so painful for us nonetheless and I've tried to get in touch with him a couple times over the years, to no avail, and have even posted about him on eNA since then. But we haven't talked since 2009.

 

I am from Germany and he was from Sweden, so he is the reason I got introduced to this beautiful, amazing country. I sometimes spent 6 weeks during the summer at his place, and even after we broke up I continued to travel to Sweden to meet people I had gotten to know there, so now I have traveled there constantly for nearly 9 years & understand/speak the language pretty well.

 

So, after that relationship ended, I never really had anything serious with anyone again.. there were a few times I thought I was falling in love with a guy but out of the merely 3 times that that happened, twice I was the one to end it because I realized I felt no 'love' after all, and once I was the one being broken up with; actually that was my last 'relationship' (5 months..)and happened last year in 2013.. it was tough to deal with at first, felt very hurt and empty for a few weeks but I soon realized he did me a favor by ending it, and that our relationship was toxic and had no future at all. He added me back on FB after he had me on block for half a year, and nowadays we are in loose contact. Still glad that it ended, though.

-

 

Now the man I've met.. the one I'm starting to have serious feelings for.. is someone who lives in Sweden (doh!) - I've actually 'known' him for one and a half years, through a game that we both play (in a Swedish community), and we wrote with eachother through a IM program for a while (back in 2013, after my BF had broken up with me) and added eachother on FB, but lost contact when he had to be hospitalized for quite a long time (serious hand injury). He actually did already spark my interest a little back then, but when we lost touch I forgot about him and just went on with my life, been seeing a few guys etc, nothing serious though.

 

Then nearly two months ago, in April, he messaged me while we were both playing and we just started talking and joking around and we had a really pleasant, hours-long conversation that left us both feeling like we had great chemistry and connection (ofc we couldn't know for sure yet, as we hadn't met irl yet), and I somehow just instantly had a very good feeling about him, and about us. So he started messaging me more often and then one night in the beginning of May we decided to Skype, which was the 1st time I saw him 'live' - I remember the first few seconds I saw him on the cam, I was quite literally just in awe because I realized he was even more gorgeous than on his pictures. Just something about his look and his face and his smile and eyes and 'nuances'..makes me melt a bit everytime I see him, whether live or on Skype. Our first Skype convo actually lasted roughly 8 hours, it was 6AM before we even knew it. Time really flies everytime we talk.

 

So after we began skyping regularly in the beginning of May, I guess we both started feeling like this could be something, simply because we were bonding and connecting so well, and talking to easily.

He had invited his brother for a birthday trip to Berlin (where I live) from May 20-23, so that was the first time we actually saw each other in real life - I picked them up from the airport and went on to have really one of greatest weekends both of us have had in a long time. I showed them around the city, we went base-flying (kind of bungee-jumping), had dinners and walks and a boat trip...especially the third night was magical, because we sneaked up to the rooftop of the hotel he was staying in, in the middle of night, halfnaked under the blankets we had wrapped around our bodies. We laid up there under the night sky and snuggled up under the blankets and talked about the stars & the universe for like AGES, lol. Just philosophizing and speculating and exchanging theories. We eventually ended up having sex on that rooftop and it was amazing. We not only have a wonderful emotional but also physical connection. I didn't actually think that would happen, cause I told myself I don't want to do it the 1st time we meet.. you know, just being a typical girl being all cautious.. but it felt so right and I didn't even wonder for one second whether he would lose interest in me after it happened. I knew he wouldn't and he didn't

 

After I brought him to the airport on the last day & they went back to Sweden, I actually felt quite empty. I started to like him so much and hoped it would be the same for him, and wondered how he felt about me now that he was with me for 3 days straight. I am quite 'scarred' in that way, have been hurt many times and well I guess I always somehow expect people to leave at some point or change their mind about me. But I heard from him as soon as he had gotten home and we have been talking every day as usual since then. We are pretty much acting and talking like a couple, and have both expressed having feelings for eachother (though that's a lot easier for him than it is for me - don't know why but I have a hard time saying how I feel sometimes, which is another reason why I like writing).

 

The thing that makes me wonder so much about him is the 'soothing' effect he has on me - I used to be such an insecure and jealous person in relationships, but somehow I feel a lot more secure this time - he changed me somehow it seems. Like I absolutely don't feel the need to monitor him, wonder what he's up to, and dont even care that he's still in touch with an ex that he'd been with for nearly 10 years or has quite a few female friends. I want to have a healthy relationship and I want him to be able to have female friends and do his own thing - this may come easily to others, but for me, this is a HUGE DEAL , something I've long time been afraid I would never get rid of (the jealousy, insecurity). It really is the worst feeling in the world for me. And to be able to trust a guy now and having someone that makes me feel secure - it's really a milestone in my life.

 

We aren't officially in a relationship yet (I guess we are both a little concerned about the distance) but we have already booked tickets for me to come visit him in Sweden next week (4 days) and, -this is crazy, I know we booked a holiday to Morocco, 2 weeks in July. We are both kind of adventurous and free-spirited and love to travel, so we're really really excited about this trip.

 

Well, enough for now. Let's see when the urge to write my heart out overcomes me again!

[Bunney]

Yesterday I had this sad feeling all day long, felt like crying and was just really emotional.. I guess that goes back to Friday evening, when I came home from having a trial day at a beachbar which was extremely exhausting. I came home feeling drained & I got a little jealous at something (doesn't help that I'm...ovulating too), which really really brought me down cause I had been doing so well at either not getting jealous at all or not showing it WHEN I do. But we talked it all out and ended up skyping until the early morning, where I talked a little about my feelings and opened up about being a little afraid to lose what we have cause it's just that wonderful.

 

The next day (yesterday) I woke up feeling a bit nervous - like, maybe I opened up too much? Did I say too much? Did I appear weak? Does he think differently about me now?

So we skyped that afternoon and he was literally overjoyed; extremely good mood, eyes glowing, couldn't stop smiling etc. so when I asked him why he was so happy today, he said that it was because we talked a lot last night and he liked what came out of it and that I make him happy in general. Just goes to show how unnecessary my occasional over-thinking and jumping to conclusions is.#

 

What made me sad though is that he said the convo really re-assured him that I felt the same way about him and that he was happy I opened up so much. I said "did I not do a good job showing how I feel for you lately?" and he said I did but not in a way that he was 100% sure, but now he's 100% and that that made him happy.

 

After we hung up and I went out and ran some errands I kept thinking about this, and it made me really sad.. I wonder if, because of my troubled past and all the times I've been hurt/betrayed, I have such a wall around my heart that I dont even realize how guarded I actually am - that my defense mechanisms are so deeply ingrained that I dont even know how to really open up anymore. It made me sad because that's all I really want.. be with someone I can totally be open & free with, someone I can let my guard down with, and not even worry about it one second. But I guess I'm still "work in progress" and soon enough that wall of mine will be torn down.

 

Well that sadness went away when we spent whole Saturday night skyping, talking & laughing until we both went to bed. Each day seems to get better for us.

[Bunney]

There were a few times more these last couple days that I thought something was off, but I have yet again realized that I just really need to stop the over-thinking and interpreting things the wrong way.

My alarm bells go off way too easily, and I need to control that more. He has given me no reason to doubt, mistrust, or believe he doesn't like me as much. So I'm not gonna worry about that anymore!

 

Got home tired as hell lastnight from not getting much sleep and then working that crappy waitress job I took.. when I came home at midnight I couldn't function anymore, so freaking exhausted.

But I did manage to get on Skype and talk to him for about half an hour, and it went wonderful & smooth as (almost) always. He owns a restaurant with his brother and he said I could come to Sweden & work there over the summer. Said we have all that free time until end of August and that we should make the most of it, and that he'd "love to have me there". God he's just greaaaaat. so I'll think about his suggestion

 

Tomorrow Evening I'm getting on that plane and gonna see him & a couple of mutual friends again. Gah, I sooo can't wait. It'll be the 1st time I'll be in his apartment! And I'm gonna see his cats, the 2 "most important ladies in his life" as he likes to playfully put it

[Bunney]

So I was with him in Sweden from Thursday to Monday.

Thursday evening, after I arrived, we had a really nice time. He picked me up from the airport and we went to a huge sports bar to eat and watch the first World Cup footballgame. At some point while I was snuggling up to him he said "he wonders how it would be like to be with me all of the time" and that I should come work in his town over the summer. When we got home a while later, we had the most amazing and passionate sex, and then spent the rest of the night on his couch talking and cuddling. We also talked a bit about his ex (of 7-8 years) and why he broke up with her in the beginning of this year (she picked arguments with him all the time + never wanted to/had time to do things together cause of her career... she's a doctor). He said he really hates arguments and doesn't want to fight over "stupid things". And that he will dump a girl as soon as she starts fighting with him over "stupid things".

 

The next 2 and a half days, we spent in another city to visit some mutual friends. That Friday Evening, we actually had one of those "stupid arguments" that he hates so much.

It was because I saw that he had a picture of his ex saved on his desktop (not as background). Now I dont have a problem with him still having pics of her... that's kind of impossible to expect considering how long they were together. But on the desktop, where he sees it every day? So I told him that and he said oh cmon, I didn't even know it was still there (yeah right), blabla. So I was really upset and went to the balcony and tears just came (I had been drinking a lot so that didn't help). When he came to the balcony a while later, he said he didn't like that I was "making a scene" and that our friends saw that we had an issue, and in the end he just said "f*** it" and left.

 

I had calmed down and later in the night, when everyone else went to bed we went outside and smoked a joint together (I never usually do that lol) and in our drunken+high state we discussed our argument and everything else. He was more understanding this time but also insisted that I was making a big deal out of nothing and blabla. He did say he really likes me and could see us "being really serious". We went to bed and the rest of my time there, we didn't really talk about this again.

 

Saturday was Okay, but I did feel like something was slightly off although he was being a little affectionate toward me around our friends, which he didn't seem to like doing before (only in private).

 

Sunday we drove back home to his town and we went jetskiing (he has one of his own), which was extremely fun. After that we had dinner with his mother who had prepared an Iranian meal for us (they are all of Iranian origin, although not religious), and I also met his father, both of them were really sweet & nice.

 

Monday my flight went in the evening, so we still spent the whole day together. He was acting quite off though.. he chalked it up to being tired and exhausted. We didn't do much and he brought me to the airport, said he was gonna miss me blabla. After I arrived back in my city I sent him a text on Viber (he was the one who made me download Viber to my phone so we could keep in touch outside of the PC..) but never got a reply. It didn'T say anything special, just that it was great to see him again etc. It felt extremely sucky to not get a reply at all, maybe I'm too sensitive...

We talked the next day (yesterday) and he just said he saw it really late and that's how he is sometimes (not answering texts). He was still acting strange IMO, but he insisted that everything is OK.

 

Now tomorrow I'm leaving for 4 days for a festival, and he knows it. So we wanted to skype a bit longer today but he went offline almost 2h ago and hasn't been back yet.

Just have a really bad feeling in my stomach right now.

[Bunney]

So I came home from the festival yesterday. During all of the 5 days I was gone I only sent him one text at Saturday night, asking if he was having a good "midsommar" (yearly celebration in Sweden), then my battery died but he did answer the next day.

 

We skyped for about 10 mins at first, then he wanted to watch the football match so we skyped again after the 2nd match.

In that conversation, a lot of things came out:

 

- Only minutes after we started talking, he said he wanted to "play" instead (the game we both play).

- I said "are you serious? I've just been gone for like 5 days and you dont wanna talk?", he said He doesn't want to "skype every day"

- when I asked him to explain what he meant, he said he doesn't feel like it's necessary to skype every single day (like we used to for the past 2 months), especially when there's nothing "important" to talk about

- when I asked him how he did it with his ex when they were long distance (the one he was with for ages), he said for some periods of time they skyped a lot and then for weeks they didn't at all

- he asked if I missed him during the festival, I said yes, when I said "and you?" he said "actually...it was quite nice. of course I missed talking to you, but...blabla"

- said several times how he "likes to be alone"

- I was really confused and surprised by all of this, when I asked him why this changed, he said "that's just how he is"

- said he still likes me though, and is looking forward to our Morocco Trip

 

Another thing is how in the beginning he always used to say that I was so easy to be with and that's one of the reasons he likes me so much.

But in our convo last night, I asked at some point if he still thought I was easy to be with and he said "no", and that he changed his mind about that. I guess just because we had an argument and just because I've been insecure a few times, suddenly i'm "exhausting" or hard to be with.

 

I'm really unhappy with all of this and can't believe how freaking unlucky I am when it comes to guys. Something ALWAYS goes wrong. And whenever I really like someone and open my heart up, the guy changes at some point and becomes cold/distant.

 

My plan for now is to just be indifferent from now on and not show any feelings anymore. I'm so fed up with this BS honestly. I will go on that trip with him & have a good time, but if he still continues to act that way after our trip I will end things with him.

 

My conclusion is that

1) I dont think he is fully ready for a new full-on relationship, seeing as he ended things with his ex only half a year ago

2) I think he doesn't know how to handle long-distance so well (he also said this once. he was LD with his ex for the last couple yrs of their rs, and said he's fed up with long distances)

3) I think he is someone who always wants things to be very EASY and really despises insecurities/jealousy in a girl

 

I guess he realized I'm not perfect after all and is now unsure about a relationship. Well too bad, cause I deserve to be with a guy who thinks I'm worth the trouble I can be sometimes, and someone who sees all my imperfections but still doesn't think less of me. I want to be "allowed" to be sensitive and insecure and a little moody sometimes, and I want to be made feel secure when I'm in need of reassurance.

 

I'm so sad but I'm also freaking angry and disappointed somehow. I didn't think he'd turn out this way.

[Bunney]

we just got off skype (he asked to) and he seemed a lot more "normal" again. I can read his face and his expressions really well and for the past week I only had to look at him to see that something was "off".. in everything thing he said he just seemed so dissatisfied and unhappy. But tonight he had this glow in his eyes again, and this loving look on his face when he looked at me in cam.

 

He said he "likes how things are right now, skyping some nights and other days just playing/chatting some". Guess he's just being a guy that way.. I think us women have much more of a need to share, to talk about our days and our feelings and just general chitchatting and whatnot. So strangely I am really okay with not skyping as much as we did before.

 

When I look at my behavior ever since we had the Skype convo I wrote about in my last post, I am a bit surprised at how I can "control" my feelings - like I can kind of just shut them down when I feel it's really necessary. Surely a defense mechanism, but I'm shocked at how well it's working for me - I thought things were kinda over after our last skype convo, so I forced myself to not think about him much, to remind myself of reasons why things wouldn't work out between us anyway, etc etc.

 

This resulted in me not feeling bothered much when I saw he wasn't messaging me even after I had been online for hours, and when he did eventually write I was very 'cool' and aloof etc.

I'm really proud of myself that I have been giving him so much space and just being really patient and all. I'm sure he apprieciates that I am not the clingy type who wont stop leaving him alone.

 

We'll see how things go.

[Bunney]

I woke up from a jealous dream today.. in the dream he had another girl sleep in his bed and I tried to get him to explain what happened and why he would do that but he kept brushing it off and laughing and telling me "You dont have to know everything"

I woke up feeling absolutely terrible

 

When I got up from bed I saw he had messaged me, but I was grumpy and it showed. He was in a game and I asked if I could join, but he said, for the 1st time ever, that he didn't wanna play with me because I wasn't good enough at the game yet and it just made me furious. We were on the phone on viber a while later and we just talked about the game some, but at some point he also said that "we have been arguing quite a bit lately and it's annoying", and I replied that if we argue it's because I feel like he doesn't care as much as I do. And that he should think back like 2 months, we NEVER argued then and it's because I was happy and he showed that he cared. he replied "and i still do but...i dont know, its just how i am" . He also did say that he could become better at that (showing more that he does care)

 

He has been more sweet again recently but still I'm just not very happy with how things are going. I feel like I need more from him that he can/wants to give me.

So I find myself preparing mentally for "breaking up" and trying not to care as much, which isn't always easy.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to be in a relationship at all... maybe I should just give up altogether and simply live alone, with meaningless/casual relationships from time to time

[Bunney]

For the 1st time ever, we had 'dirty time' on Skype last night. I mean there were a few times in the last couple months that I had teased him some, but this time we went "all the way".

It started with me feeling really good all day yesterday, like care-free and happy. So I decided to call him on viber and tell him to get on Skype when he gets home cos I've got a surprise for him, and when he called and saw me in cam I was just sitting there in underwear and nothing more, nice hair nice make-up etc.

 

Even though we have great sexual chemistry in person, we haven't been talking/being 'dirty' again after my last visit - ofc that has to do with him having been distant, us not talking as much as before, etc.

So I felt like like reviving that spark and it was really good, I think. We talked a lot after the "deed" & the whole time I was my normal, easy-going, bubbly self that he hadn't seen in a while (due to me having been worried, nagging, complaining about us not talking as much as before, etc), and I believe that was important because he didn't cut the conversation short like he's been doing a lot lately and even said at the end that it was really nice to talk to me.

 

He also talked about how excited he is to go to Morocco with me, that it's going to be interesting, that we're gonna get to know eachother much better etc.

and for the first time in a while he finally talked about "our" future again - he was talking about his homecountry Iran (a country I'm absolutely fascinated by, except for its political/democracy issues), and I said 'Ah, I really wanna go there someday' to which he replied 'yeah we're gonna go there next year'.

 

I'm just feeling really relaxed and easy these past two days - which is quite a progress considering I spent most of Sunday crying & feeling depressed.

[Bunney]

I realized I have some really negative thought patterns that I need to get rid of. For example, whenever he's obviously not at home (offline everyhwere) and is quite late to answer a text, my mind automatically goes to... "he might be having a girl over", "maybe he's on the phone with his ex" (even though I have no idea how often they speak and if they ever speak on the phone at all... which I somehow doubt)

 

yes I've been guilty of not trusting people, all my life. That is why, with this man, I decided to make a change. Just let loose, be free and relaxed, no worries just trust trust trust.

A concept that has always been completely alien to me before.

 

So do I trust him? I think I do. Not 100%, because it has to be earned to some extent, right?

But I do not think he would behave inappropiately with another girl, and I believe him when he says he has no interest in anyone else at this point and is loyal to the person he's dating.

Why do these thoughts of mine still come up though? I guess insecurity can never be comepletely defeated, and even confident & secure people have their insecurities from time to time.

 

 

Today, for some reason, I do not feel like speaking to him at all. We were on voice communication before while playing a match, but now he's off playing the game with other people.

Getting up early tomorrow so i'm just gonna go to bed without saying anything at all.

[Bunney]

Well, he's coming here tomorrow night. I am really looking forward to it... the distance is taking its toll on both of us.

 

This weekend things didn't go so well. In the game we play, he has another new account where he only has about 7 guys on his friendlist - those he plays with together.

I asked him to add me which he did, but then later when I came home at night (Friday), I saw he had deleted me again. I sent him a text on viber saying "ehm, why did you remove me from your other account? lol..", to which 2 hours later he only replied "lol..". We then got talking on instant messaging, where I was really mad (the one word reply just totally ticked me off) and we had kind of a row, his point being that he didn't like my attitude and that he didn't like the way I asked. He didn't give me a proper answer to why he deleted me though, only "cause he wanted to". We left it at that and played 2 matches together, then when we were finished, I asked to Skype since I wasn'T feeling good about our argument and just wanted to be able to sleep well. He said he didn't feel like it and that didn't "like me very much right now" (meaning at that moment, not generally).

 

Then yesterday, Saturday, he wasn't online all day, which isn't so usual for him. I was still feeling uneasy about everything, so when 8pm rolled around I decided to give him a call on Viber, he picked up and it turns out he was at his guy friend's place hanging out, & when I asked he said yes everything is okay with us. Later that night, I was supposed to go to a graduation party, so I got dressed really fancy and looked quite amazing (if I may say so myself), took a picture of it and sent it to him together with a nice little message. He never replied.

 

Today, Sunday, he was offline again the whole day. I really wanted to know what he was up to & also needed to know which time he exactly arrives tomorrow so I can plan my day, so I caved around 9pm and called him, he was in the car after having been out with friends all day. I admit I probably sounded kind of irritated in the beginning when I asked what he was doing, like I'm checking up on him.. but I didn't mean to. I dont wanna be that girl. In the end of the convo he said it was nice hearing from me.

 

Soo he got back a couple hours ago, and almost immediately called me on Skype.

It was a really, really good conversation that made me feel a lot better i.e. gave me some clearance and a better insight into how he is thinking/feeling. Summary:

 

- said he didn't like the way I sounded the times I called him at the weekend, that the way I came accross made him feel checked up on. I agreed to this and promised it wouldn't be like that anymore (I hate it myself)

- had an open and honest convo about how things are going, how we feel about our future

- he admitted to being very complex, difficult and "strange", but he's been telling me this from the beginning

- said he needs a lot of space/me-time and is a "people pessimist"; he'd be content talking to me 3 days out of the week

- he doesn't like the "online thing" and that's why he's behaving the way he did/does; he doesn't want us to communicate too much via typing etc because then it feels too much like a pure 'online relationship' to him

- is kind of a private person and likes to keep to himself

 

He also said he doesn't care about other girls; it would be easy for him to get another one but he isn't interested. When I playfully teased him about what he's going to do when we sometimes can't see eachother for 2-3 months at a time, he answered that he is not the type of guy who CRAVES sex, he can easily go longer periods without it and has done so before (longest was 2 yrs, and NOT because he didn't have opportunities! Girls practically throw themselves at him), and I dont have to worry about anything like that at all.

 

For the 1st time in a while we finally had a good, longer conversation again. We both really look forward to tomorrow and to Tuesday when our plane to Morocco leaves.

 

I think a big part of why I feel easy and relaxed now is because, whatever way he is treating me, it has nothing to with ME. It doesn't mean I suck. It's because of him and HIS strange ways.

And also, I realized that I need to remind myself: it doesn't HAVE to work out. I dont NEED this guy. And if things end, I will be happy again.

 

soo anyways, I'll be updating this in about 2+ weeks! Cheers!

[Bunney]

So strange how everything turned out.

Whew... where to begin?

 

He arrived to my place 7 of July, one day before our flight to Morocco. The chemistry, the spark, it was all there... we had amazing sex and just enjoyed eachother's company a lot.

The first few days of Morocco though, I could feel him being different. We stayed in his father's apartment (so we spent a lot of time with his father too, whom liked me very much), did fun things during the days, but sometimes we 'clashed'... I would get annoyed at something, he would get annoyed at me for getting annoyed, etc. I could really feel him detaching, i.e. not cuddling with me anymore at nights, getting irritated at me for small stuff and so on. The thing about me is that I can be very clumsy/clueless sometimes.. you know with every day stuff, practical things. He is someone who really cares about the details, and looks at things closely, so for example when we were doing things around the kitchen he would say things like "we could never live together", "you dont even know how to clean properly", etc, in ways where he tried to make it come accross as a joke but it was clear that he somehow meant it.. if you know what I mean.

 

So one day when we left to another city, we went to take a nap. When once again he didn't show any affection at all, I sat up in bed feeling really uneasy. He asked why I dont sleep and I said "It feels like you never want to be close to me anymore"... and he kind of got irritated and said he doesn't know what he wants, and that we'll talk about it later. It turns out that he decided he did not "want to be with a girl like that" (his words), that he thinks we are not a match, that he dislikes the behavior I display sometimes (not ladylike, clumsy, etc.), that he doesn't like my occasional attitude, that he doesn't like how we've been 'arguing' a lot, etc. All of that and "a lot of little things" made him decide he didn't like me after all & that he wanted to spend the rest of the trip as 'friends' or seperately.

 

I was crushed of course, we still had 10 more days on our trip and I felt so low and unworthy... I felt like I couldn't be around him anymore and considered taking the bus up to Spain and Portugal on my own.

Especially two nights after our breakup was really strange for me and kind of eye-opening.

We came home at night after having a really nice day together (Germany had won the football World Cup that night, I was ecstatic and in such a good mood), and he sat me down at the couch and asked me if he could be really honest with me about how he thinks of me. I said yes and his "speech" was along the lines of:

 

"You know, when I first met you in Berlin, I was like 'Wow. who is that girl?' You were so amazing and I really really liked you, that's why I wanted to meet you again as soon as possible. But then this ty little stuff started to happen, I mean that night when we were at [our friends] place and you got upset over some stupid picture of my ex on my desktop, I was like 'What the F*ck!'. That was a turning point for me. And now when I've been around you every day for 6 days, I see some really strange things about you. Sometimes you act like a complete b*tch. You are so insecure and uncomfortable with yourself and you try to hide it but somehow its so obvious. Like you are trying to be someone you're not. Somehow you never really relax, its like you care way too much what everybody thinks about you and it shows. You should read Bernice Bobs 'Her Hair', it will make you realize some things and hopefully change some things about yourself."

 

It was so strange hearing the 'naked truth'. I somehow felt exposed and judged and even a bit inferior to him...like he's got all things so figured out and I'm just a hopeless duckling.

The whole rest of the night and the next day, I felt so painfully awkward and uncomfortable around him, and uncomfortable with myself. I was really keen on leaving to Portugal and planned on doing that the day after we drove further up North to a beautiful city at the coast, where he was going to take Kitesurfing lessons. The plan for me was to go with him there, then leave on my own.

 

Somehow though, we ended up having a really good time together in that city. We had rented an apartment right at the beach for 5 days. We went exploring together, went out to eat together everyday, walked by the beach together, drove Quads together, I gave him a back rub almost every night... we also had sex a couple of times, and some mornings I woke up to him cuddling me/being close to me. In public though, it was naaada. With everyone we met he introduced me as his 'friend' and always emphasized how we're only friends etc.

 

The last 3 days we spent in the original city we landed in, in his father's apartment. We did have some 'bad moments' (we were at the rooftop at night talking about money and how he doesn't trust me with money cause I didn't pay him back the day I said I would, and I ended up being really mad) but overall we have bonded quite well, driving around in the mountains with the motorcycle we had rented, and spending time with his father. His father actually likes me a lot, he told me that he had asked him "Why dont you like this girl? She is amazing, perfect!" and that he's quite sad that things didn't work out between us etc.

 

So last night we arrived back in my city, and today I have brought him to the trainstation where he took off to the airport.

It was funny; we woke up today and he looked around and said 'damn, you have way too much crap in your apartment.' so he insisted on cleaning everything out with me. Took us 5 hours! My apartment was a mess and I didnt even know it!

Now everything is neat and simple and tidy, and he gave me a lot of tips on how to keep everything clean, what stuff to buy, blabla.

 

That's the thing about him that's so amazing: He is so life-smart, street-smart, whatever you call it. He knows EVERYTHING. He's 33 years of age and has been through aloooot of things (grew up in Iran where it was war at the time, etc), so he taught me so many things, you could say he 'explained life to me'. He told me how to make more money with the money you already have, how to 'fix life', etc. He keeps telling me that he's very 'pragmatic' and I should be more like that too.

 

I can see now how we are not 100% compatible, he needs someone who is 'classy' and 'ladylike' and got her life figured out.

He has told me that if I fix the things about myself he told me to fix (my attitude / behaviors / the impression I make on people), I could get any freaking guy I want, and that he'd be thrilled to be with me. Today he even said I should call him in 10 years, with a loving smile on his face.

 

I didn't think I'd be so sad to say goodbye, but I was. Tears came right after I waved him goodbye at the train station. It's only been a few hours and I already feel a little lonely, like I'm going to miss him so much.

I guess no matter how much I've been convincing myself I dont have any feelings for him anymore either, I do after all. He said we're friends so I can write to him whever, and we will still see eachother (we have lans coming up in the gaming community we're both in), and we can have coffee together sometime when I move to study in Sweden.

 

I haven't cried since I got home, and I'm not sure I will. I only feel emptiness right now. But being with him has changed me so much. Changed the way I view myself, made me realize my faults and what I need to fix. I now have a lot of new goals, I am going to improve in a lot of areas in life and make a lot of changes.

 

This past 3 months with him were crazy. So intense. We have been bungee jumping, we have been jetskiing, we have been driving Quads at full speed along the beach, we have been speeding around in the mountains of Morocco on a motorcycle... You meet every person for a reason, right? I have definitely gained so much from meeting him, it has been a blessing. A painful one, but a blessing nonetheless.

[Bunney]

I put breakup in quotations because we were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

I have not talked to him since he left my place on 22nd of July (so 4 days), and somehow, even though I've kept myself busy with family so far, I feel like something is missing.

 

Especially today I am feeling lonely and empty, dont know why. I mean I did realize we aren't a perfect match and there are some things about him that I wouldn't want in a boyfriend (mainly the fact that he is not a 'feelings' person, he keeps emotional distance to everything and everyone).

 

But somehow I am missing him....

I was planning to go on a solo-backpacking trip to Portugal next month, but today when I was looking at pictures of the places I want to visit, I didn't even feel like going anymore because in my head I kept thinking how I'd rather wanna go all these beautiful places with him.

 

Gaaah...

 

[Bunney]

I am crying for the first time since he left on Wednesday. I've felt relatively 'okay' most of the time, just lonely and sort of missing him, but right now for some reason I am overwhelmed by sadness.

I keep thinking about him all the time, every day, our memories and how wonderful it was when he visited me for the first time in my city in May. It was such a wonderful weekend, I just wanna go back to that. In fact I wanna go back all these months and just do it all over again.

 

Even though he definitely had some faults, and even though I got annoyed by him sometimes during our 2week trip, I dont see how any guy I will meet anytime soon is gonna compare to him (looks-wise too). He was something else.

 

I wasn't good enough for him, and strangely I can accept that. We have both been through a lot in our lives, but the thing about MY childhood was that I never had someone to guide me, the way my family treated me I was made to feel useless and insecure. It is hard to shake that even 20+ years later. I didn't even know how to properly form relationships/friendships and greatly lacked social skills up until I was about 19/20. And even today I am still struggling sometimes.

He on the other hand is totally secure, in every way and in every situation. We are worlds apart and I guess he realized that very soon.

 

I suddenly feel so uncomfortable here, in this city, in this apartment where only 2 months ago we were snuggling in bed, all happy and excited about eachother.

That smile he gave me when he woke up next to me in the morning and looked me in the eyes.. like he was the luckiest man ever.

 

I dont think I'll want to date anyone for a long time.

[Bunney]

I've been with some girl friends lately and I'm surprised at how much better I'm feeling because of that. Guess I underestimated the power of female friendship!

Basically they made me realize that it's not all me - that I'm not the crazy, stupid one with all the faults. They were actually a bit shocked at some of the things he said, and believe I am far better off without him.

 

So I've not been thinking too much about him in the last 2 days, but today we actually spoke again. Actually more like, we were on teamspeak together and played a match in the game we play (in fact he asked to play with me), at first just the two of us and then other people we both know joined. One of them a girl that is in our community. I felt uneasy about that first - he invited her, so in my mind I was like 'are they speaking more lately.. are they hitting it off recently?' which is totally irrational on my part; she is a very nice girl (whom I too get along good with) who is in a happy relationship, and I know he would never be interested in her that way. It bothers me that I was a bit jealous despite that fact that I haven't been grieving these last 1-2 days.

 

He has been really friendly with me, to my surprise. I kind of thought he'd be cold when we speak again. Of course my mind went to: did he perhaps change his mind? Is he missing me?

but I know I have to let go of thoughts like that.

 

Feeling much better about everything though, and kind of hopeful for the future.

[BigKK]

You were dating someone that rollercoastered up and down, from the sounds of your posts. It happens a lot in gamers, being an ex-gamer myself, and seeing a lot of close friends that are gamers and their relationships. They want really intense close contact, and then they completely withdraw and push you away. Then after you're pushed away, they try to reel you back in, and "everything is fine" again.

 

I don't think he was a good fit, and this is the trouble of internet based relationships... you two were in some way a fantasy, both fun people, but personally incompatible, it seems as though things would go sour when you two were together. He also got burnt out on the skyping...it's just what happens with long distance after awhile if a strong connection isn't initially formed. You start wondering if you're wasting your time, hours on skype, when there is so much to do outside, and there is so many questions lurking and you're not all that convinced about the other person anymore.

 

 

Do your thing, and good luck with your next relationship.

 

I could really relate when you wrote this line "I haven't been seriously involved with anyone for a quite long time so I feel like I'm in some kind of whirlwind of emotions right now, I am confused and happy and scared and overjoyed all at the same time. But I guess that's normal." It's a hell of a rollercoaster, and a fun one...now you need to find yourself again and prepare to find a better fit.

 

cheers

[Bunney]

Wow, I didn't even think anyone was reading this at all thank you so much for your reply. Taken everything into consideration, the only thing is that I don't feel like this was really an online/internet based relationship anymore seeing as we spent quite some time together in real life and even went on a 2 week vacation to Morocco together.

 

You're right about the long distance and the skyping getting exhausting etc (though I didn't feel that way - I loved skyping & wasn't even close to getting tired of it, but obviously he didn't feel the same way), and I'm almost mad at myself for getting myself involved with someone non-local again, somehow it's a trend in my love life - all of my more serious relationships have been long distance. I'm sure there is some deepdown psychological reason for that, haha...

[Bunney]

so it's been a while since I last wrote - not much has happened tho. I went on a one-week bicycle trip with my friends so I had a lot of time to think and get perspective and distance myself from the whole thing.

It was really amazing - had a lot of fun with the girls and I realized that him breaking up with me was really a blessing in disguise.

 

I have come to the conclusion that he is a classic narcissist. I looked it up and he ticks pretty much all of the boxes. Plus, my father is a narcissist and I see a lot of similar traits between the two of them.

Got me thinking about this whole psychology of subconsciously attracting partners who have similar qualities are your parents...

 

well, ever since I'm sure he is a narcissist, I've been moving on quite well and thinking to myself that I actually dodged a bullet there.

 

We still play together nearly every day, but I can safely say he is no longer anything more to me than just a gaming mate.

 

The only annoying thing is that I keep dreaming about him -- mostly dirty dreams, and dreams in which we are affectionate and hug closely.

I guess I am still very sexually attracted to him & sometimes miss our sex, lol. whatever though!

 

onward & upward!!

[Bunney]

I think I've reached a point where I'll cut all ties with him.

 

These last weeks, we've still played together from time to time, but it was never like he would just ask Hey by the way, how are you and how are things going, etc.

It was always just "hey, let's play", and we played, and then nothing. It's not like I was longing for something more than that, it's more that I've just realized it isn't my definition of a friendship, and he doesn't really give a damn about me.

 

The event that brought me to this realization and to the point where I want to remove him from my life completely is a freaking stupid facebook picture.

I finally found the memory card that i used in Morocco, so yesterday I uploaded some more photos to my album on facebook. There was one photo I found that I really liked; it was one where he stands on the left, a local guy we had met stands in the middle, and me on the right, next to a quad car on the beach. I had asked him beforehand if it was alright that I upload it; that obviously I wouldn't tag him in it and my fb profile/album settings are made so that nobody but my friends can view it.

 

He said no, which was fine. So I cropped him out of it (not 100%; it was possible to see his right eye and part of his nose, but he wasn't really recognizable), and added it to the album. I went to bed and the next morning I woke up to several angry messages by him. That stupid local guy we met whom I have on fb too (or had...deleted him later), had decided to tag the both of them in the photo (which I tooootttally didn't see coming, seeing as he wasn't even really in it), obviously my "ex" deleted the tag immediately, but appearently it was such a horrible thing of me to do that he thought he had the right to speak to me disrespectfully ("are you f*cking retarded?" etc in a text message).

 

The "f*cking retarded" part was the last straw for me, I was literally speechless and could only think, what the HELL? I did nothing wrong in my eyes (and I've learned to ALWAYS admit and apologize when I know I've done something wrong; I dont have the tóo much pride thing going on), oh how terrible that for a split second his fb friends were able to see him in a same picture as me (probably worried about his ex seeing it lol), where it wasn't even possible to tell that we had a "thing" with eachother, let alone even really RECOGNIZE HIM.

 

So I wrote him back basically telling him how he dares speaking to me like that etc, and in the end mentioned he should look up the term narcisissm as that's where his problem is.

Felt good to finally stand up to him, I bet he thought he still had a spell over me or something, but today I realized he has no kind of respect toward me, he may be better than me at "charming people and making a great impression and knowing all the social skills" (which is normal for narcissists, btw) but I realized I am a thousand times better person than him in so many ways, and I deserved NONE of the bs he had put me through.

 

So after thinking about it for a few hours (as I'm trying to never act impulsively anymore; always think about decisions beforehand), I decided to remove him off my fb, and also from the gaming platform. It'll mean we will never play together anymore, but I dont give a damn. As of now, he's deleted from fb and skype but not the gaming platform yet; the only thing that keeps me from doing it right now is the fact that he still has some pictures from our trip to put on my dropbox, so until he sends them to me (which could take aaages...) I want him to stay on my list so I can remind him of that from time to time.

 

 

It's funny when I think about the things he told me during our trip; that I dont make a great impression etc.

But yet somehow, I am popular with so many people around me. I started the new semester of class last week, except for one person I didn't know anyone and now I'm already one of the most popular people there. I am considered friendly, open, funny, sweet and easy to talk to. And I'm becoming quite close with the guy sitting next to me (whom I'm starting to have a little crush on, although he's a bit young for me so it's not gonna be anything serious).

 

So obviously he was wrong with his stupid statements, can't believe I ever wasted so much thought and energy on him, letting me doubt myself so much and putting his opinions about me on a pedestal.

 

Jerk!!!

[Bunney]

It has been a while since I last wrote.

The past couple of months have gone by in the blink of an eye. It is astounding how different you can feel about a certain situation or even about yourself in such a short amount of time.

All the self-confidence that was lost after the whirlwind romance with the guy I started this thread about has come back in full force, life is great. Life is exciting!

 

I'm not gonna write about him anymore since I am completely and thouroughly over him, I never even think about him anymore and we haven't spoken since the beginning of September - he's visiting his home in Iran for a while so he hasn't been around. It's been a relief.

 

My main focus these days is the class I'm in, finishing my degree next year.

Despite a few bumps in the road I've been getting along great with the people there, but with one especially; a girl that I've kind of known for a while but never actually spoke to up until a few weeks ago.

 

She used to be in my year but never in the same class up until this semester started.

Around January of this year, when I only knew her from seeing her in the hallways (and noticing her watching me quite often), she one day asked one of my friends for my name and a few days later added me on facebook.

We proceeded to chat every now and then (always her initiating), but over the summer break I somehow stopped responding since I suspected that she may be Bi and I didn't want to give her any signals. The reason I suspect that she's Bi or lesbian is her approach of getting to know me (you usually do that with someone you're interested in, right? Adding someone you never spoke to before on Facebook and starting to write to them alot) and because she is a kind of masculine girl (the way she dresses - yeah I know, prejudice, but just from looking at her and observing her I can hardly imagine she'd be interested in guys).

 

Well, she was very quiet in the beginning of the semester, by herself mostly and I didn't know how to talk to her. I probably thought it'd be awkward since I stopped texting her.

Then a few weeks ago, we were assigned for a group work together and somehow we instantly hit it off.... just WOW. It was so incredibly fun, we couldn't stop laughing together and just clicking amazingly.

 

And ever since then, we've been kind of inseperable. I've been getting to know her for a few weeks only but I feel like I could already write a book about her.

 

I'm not a lesbian. I am attracted to men and have only loved men before. So I dont think my friendship with her is headed that way - but I am surprised at how drawn I feel to her, and how much I love hugging her and putting my arms around her. I have quite a few female friends and have great times with them, but never like this. Our bond is so special, she is incredible. We have exactly the same humor so we make eachother burst out with laughter constantly, and even others in our class have commented on our chemistry (one of the guys said my face automatically lights up as soon as she is even remotely near me).

 

I do get the feeling sometimes that she has a hard time letting people get close, and doesn't find it easy to open up about things. So it is special to me when she does confide in me about some things or lets me know a little about her life. It is incredibly exciting to break down her walls bit by bit and learn everything about her, even if it takes time. Like me, she's had a hard life and been through a lot compared to others our age. Doesn't know her father, moved out at 16 to get away from her mother for reasons she hasn't told me yet, basically cut off from her whole family. For reasons I can't even fathom myself yet, I feel this urge to be there for her and become this big important part of her life.

 

"You dont know what you're missing until you have it", definitely true. I do feel more complete with her in my life now, it is so rare that I bond & connect with people as well as with this girl.

I'll definitely write more about her on here!

[Bunney]

To give a little update about the girl I mentioned in my above post:

It does turn out that she's definitely bi-sexual and has had relationships with girls before. I helped her move into a new apartment last year (shortly after I wrote that post) and in the evening when everything was done we were just lying in bed having a beer and I was laying in her arms - my closeness made her very nervous, heart beating fast and breathing heavy.. and after it while it just happened, lol. nothing dirty, we just made out for a little bit...

 

She then also told me about the first time she saw me in the hallway. That I was with my friends, and she walked by with her friends, and our eyes locked and, according to her, it was "like straight out of a movie": everything around her just disappeared, the moment we looked at eachother just seemed like an eternity and her heart skipped a beat!

 

haha, so cheesy but I thought it was so sweet. She was a bit disappointed when I told her I could not recall that moment (I really cant).

 

Well, that was in October and December of last year.

 

Now? We are simply best friends. Purely platonic BUT with a lot of cuddles, hugs and pecks hehe. And we are planning a big trip around Europe in July+August this year. Already saving up money hardcore!

 

As for my dating life...

Damn, it just hit me recently how sad and pathetic the romantic department is & has been for years, lol. Have been single for such a long time now, and everytime I date someone I either end up not liking them or them fading away.

 

BUT it just seemed to take a turn:

In December of 2013 (so even way before I met the guy that this thread was originally about), I was on a car-sharing ride on the way to another city, and one of the other passengers was a cute guy who was 3 years older than me. We spoke the entire 2 hours and had a really nice chat, I ended up giving my number to him and he said we should meet him when we're both back in town.

 

He never texted me. So I thought too bad but then just forgot about it.

Well about 7-8 months later I discover a message from him in my "Other" inbox on facebook, had never known about that other inbox before so I got the msg long after it was sent. I had my settings so it was not possible to send me an invite, that's why his only option was to write to me, which instantly ended up in the "other" folder.

 

(There's actually a crazy story as to why he never texted me but ended up finding me on FB even tho he only knew my first name: That evening after the car-ride, his phone had gotten stolen, and so he lost my number for good. A few months later, he got matched with a girl on Tinder, and chatted with her for a little bit. I dont have Tinder, but it turns out that that girl was a friend of mine! I had liked one of her profile pics on fb and he happened to see that and he just remembered the girl from the car ride when he checked my pics. How much of a coincidence is this?! Nothing ever happened between him & my friend btw lol, they stopped writing after a while)

 

So I replied, but that was around the time I started this thread. So I was all focused on my 'ex' and didn't really engage in a convo with the guy from the car ride. I wasn't ready to date anyone new so soon. So I had never responded to his latest message.

 

Well, now about one and a half years later, I look him up on fb and realize, wow he really was gorgeous. And he seemed so adventurous, with all those pics from traveling etc. He just seemed great. So my intuition told me I should write to him and ask to meet. I did and we had our first official date on 2nd of April. Just went to a coffee place and chatted for 3h straight, had such a lovely time with a great chemistry/connection. He instantly asked me for another date (joining him to play badminton). That was on Thursday.

 

He had wanted to go on a bicycle trip with me today but had forgotten that he'd already made plans with his 2 sisters.

I haven't heard from him since yesterday which is a bit unusual for him (usually texts me about once/twice a day), so my fears are creeping in that he may have changed his mind about me, but I dont wanna be all pessimistic yet. On Thursday, before playing badminton, we went up to the roof of the apartment building he lives in, it was sunset and we could overlook the whole city... had a beer and just chatted a bit.. it was so lovely. He seems like such a great catch, i'd be so sad if I didnt hear from him again now.

 

We will see

[Bunney]

It's slowly dawning on me that I may just be alone forever! I know I'm still young but over the last years, I have received nothing but rejections (from the ones I liked, mind you – there have always been guys here & there who were interested in me, but just ones who are faaar from people I could see myself with)

 

The guy from above post.. after our first meeting in Dec 2013, we finally saw eachother again this month and had 2 lovely dates. On the second one (sitting on his roof watching the sunset, then Badminton, then eating Kebab), I was a litte tense and my words didn't 'flow' as nicely (I have days like that), so when I went home I was afraid he might've changed his mind about me because of that – but he already talked about plans to see eachother again the next day. Since then? Nothing! I wrote to him about 4 days later, just saying "Hmm, is everything alright?" and he answered a pretty long text about how he is facing charges because of speeding (has to pay a huge amount of money) etc etc, but at the end of the text he did suggest he could help me pick up the piano that I ordered (too heavy to carry on my own).

 

I replied to that, saying I hope everything gets sorted out, that I'm already picking the piano up another day (with my best friend), and that I hope to see him again despite the chaos going on.

 

That was Monday, 5 days ago... I have not heard from him since.

 

I just think that if a man really likes a woman, he'll be in touch, EVEN if he's going through some stress. With that in mind, I deleted his number and removed him from FB yesterday.

 

Beyond fruuuustrating. I thought we had such a good connection. From the first date I had a feeling that he could be someone I can see myself with. I'm sure that we would've been SUCH a good match.

 

It's just unbelievable how unlucky I am when it comes to men. I have been single for 2 years now, my last relationship only lasted 5 months which ended up in me getting dumped.

 

The last "kinda" serious thing I had was with the guy that I started this thread about, whom ended things me in the middle of our Morocco Trip.

 

Plus, around this time last year, I had gone on about 4-5 dates with a guy my age whom I had met through a mutual friend. Thought we had something good going on, until I suddenly never heard from him again. Later I saw that he had met another girl and is still with her now.

 

See the pattern here?!

 

And I'm not crazy or anything, haha. I'm a pretty girl, I'm very smart, and my personality doesn't totally suck either

I pride myself in being very independent and non-clingy, and the reason I have not had a bf for a long time is probably also because I never felt like I really NEEDED one, I wasn't actively looking for one.

But over the last year, I've started to feel like I can see myself being with someone, like for real... something serious, long-term. Right now though, I'm beginning to think that something must be severely wrong with me, maybe I come accross as undesirable or something. Makes me want to crawl back into my shell and just never try again

[Bunney]

So I had some more contact with the guy I went on 2 dates with. Started last weekend, Saturday night, when I had been having way too much wine with my best friend (I rarely drink anymore, so I get drunk much faster these days). She had to go due to having to get up early the next day and I was home alone. I remember opening my whatsapp and sending the guy a very simple message... if he wanted to come over to my place, basically... yeah I know, stupid as hell but obviously I wasn't thinking straight.

 

He replied an hour later saying "Generally I'd love to, but I'm dead tired at the moment, how about your place tomorrow for a glass of wine?"

 

I didn't reply until the next day in the evening, when I told him I was feeling quite hung-over and to let's get back to it the following week.

 

The next day, Monday, he wrote "Good luck for your final exam. how about I come over to your place Wednesday night and you let me spoil you "?

 

I said yeh sure and told him what time would be good for me (while still not being sure about the whole thing of meeting up just for sex, and feeling like I would disrespect myself if I do that)

 

Then, OF COURSE, a text from him came saying he forgot he was invited to a bday party Wednesday night and if Thursday night worked for me too.

I immediately thought like, wow, really? This wouldn't be the first time he conveniently "forgot" something else was already planned. When I read that text it just became so clear to me that the whole thing was not a good idea.

 

So I wrote:

"You seem to be forgetting a lot of things you know what, it's best we let it be. I'm looking for something more serious anyway (and you obviously don't, or you just didn't like me enough) and not for a f*-buddy. I didn't know what I was thinking when I sent that text on Saturday night. Still, I wish you all the best "

 

His reply:

"I am recently out of a relationship and not looking for a new one, you're right. I was trying to figure out what you wanted and after your text on Saturday night I thought we wanted the same. You are a gorgeous and interesting woman, so it's not because of that, but I've realized that I'm not ready for anything serious again at this point and enjoy having my freedom right now. I wish you the best too and good luck with your final exams, do you have your piano yet?"

 

I dont know why but I felt a great relief after reading that. Like things were much clearer now and I felt less rejected (I'm aware that he may just have lied about recently being broken up, but I'm just going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's telling the truth)

 

I replied thanking him for his honesty, that I understand because I've been there etc etc, and at the end made a joke about how he'd hear from me again the next time I've had too much to drink (he replied saying he'd welcome that very much ).

 

haha well, anyway, ever since that text exchange I've been feeling really happy again (felt so down after the 2 dates and then not hearing from him again - like, Awww, really?! AGAIN? Is there a curse upon me?), and I totally "moved on" and dont think about this anymore. I wouldn't mind maybe hooking up a few times, but I know better than to let myself get my hopes up or anything. It's crazy, I can really function like a man when I want to, and just think logical and turn my feelings off and am totally capable of seperating sex from emotions (ye I know this is nothing to brag about.. but I'm just sayin)

 

Upward and onward!

[Bunney]

Whew, thought so many times about posting on my journal again, now I'm finally getting to it. It's not like anything SUPER special has happened since my last post in April, I never wrote to that guy again, deleted him off FB etc.

 

Over the summer I had nothing really going on with any guy. Went on a Europe trip with a friend in August and September, during which I had a little fling with one lovely guy from Paris (still keep in touch here & there) and one with a guy in Portugal (the one I made a thread about - wouldn't stop messaging me, telling me how special I am etc blabla).

 

Then nothing for a while again, but ever since October, I've started bonding really well with an "online friend" of mine (I'll call him Filip from now) whom I've known for a couple of years now - we play a game in the same community, and have always gotten along wonderfully - I've ALWAYS known he was one of a kind and someone I could see myself falling for, but up until a few months ago, it was all purely platonic, just a friend that I admired and appreciated a lot. I've never met him obviously, but I can really tell he's a true gem, very kind and sensible, smart, reasonable, mature, all of the good stuff. We've had so many late night conversations, times where I would pour my heart out about stuff thats going on in my life (for instance when i found out my father had cancer) and he would just happily listen and be there for me. Two months ago something 'sparked' between us, and we started talking a lot more often, with a lot more flirting, and it's pretty obvious that we both have feelings to some degree.. he lives in another country so obviously we have to meet first before making any sort of commitment and to find out what we are, what we can be. We've been talking about maybe meeting this winter, but no concrete plans made.

 

Here's where it gets tricky though. It seems like most of the time I have no guy on my radar, but when I do, it's always more than one

 

I started a job in the last week of November (just until I find something to study later next year), at a pretty nice company and it's been great fun so far, though very exhausting at times due to a lot of things to learn.

 

The first five weeks of it are training, as in sitting in a room having to listen, take notes and so on. we've had the same coach/trainer so far, gonna call him Marc, whom on the first day I didn't find interesting at all - not particularly attractive, not my 'type' etc.

 

As the days went on, I REALLY dont know what or how it happened or at what point exactly I started to feel an attraction - in fact, I dont remember all that many details from last week (so the first week at the job), but a few things that I can think of:

 

- on the first day, as he was standing on the front explaining and teaching us everything, I remember sitting there noticing his confidence, his humor and his ability to express himself, but still no attraction or interest.

- on the 2nd day I was sitting outside the building in the lunch break, he came out and towards me and we started talking, walked back to the training room together. we got along really well, lots of joking and laughing

- 3rd day, I told him I would have to miss the next 2 days (due to an important occasion) and asked if it was a huge problem that i would miss out on so much material, he said yea but that we can sit down together sometime after work so he can teach me what I missed, and I remember somehow liking the idea of the two of us alone together

- 4th day I missed and was supposed to miss 5th one too, but the circumstances changed and I ended up being able to make it to work on Friday, I came in the room and said "surprise!" to him with a big smile on my face, he looked really happy to see me

- that same day, friday, I remember how as he was sitting on the front talking explaining something to us, we locked eyes for about 4-5 seconds and I could swear to have felt my heart skip a beat (which I was surprised at... that stuff hasn't happened to me in a LONG time)

 

That Friday after work, I was the last one to leave the room and he still sat at his desk, we somehow got talking and ended up exchanging our numbers (the reason for this was that the company had a dinner party at a restaurant near my apartment the next evening, so I told him I'd maybe join but wasn't sure, so we exchanged numbers for the case that I would end up coming to the dinner so I could let him know... basically)

 

I didn't end up going to the dinner party at Saturday as it was my bday and I celebrated with my folks the entire evening....

I got home sometime around 2-3AM and was quite heavily intoxicated, and started writing with Marc on whatsapp (or he started writing to me... dont remember)... and at some point during the conversation I invited him to come over to my place, which didn't end up happening because I fell asleep shortly after (lol) and he wrote stuff about having to keep his distance as he's the coach, and that it wouldn't be reasonable as we were both drunk.

 

Needless to say Monday was slightly awkward at first, but we got "over it" pretty quickly and we spent the whole 1-hour break together just walking to the store, talking a lot. Very evident that there's chemistry and just generally getting along wonderfully. During that break he told me that he was in a way proud for not giving in to the temptation of coming over to mine on Saturday night, due to the same reasons he had already told me on whatsapp.

 

Still no physical contact at this point, not a lot of heavy flirting either, just both of us feeling some kind of spark I guess. Started spending the breaks together every day

 

As this week went on my interest started to intensify each day, to a point where when I sit and think about it it makes me go "uffff... holy crap, how did his happen?" because when he first walked in to the room last monday he was FAR from somebody I would normally be attracted to, and now, barely 2 weeks later, I can barely stop thinking about him, my stomach is in knots, and my heart does these weird little jumps when he's near me or when I picture kissing him.

 

Where's Filip in all this? I dont really know, I mean we still talk (chat) every day, but ever since I started the job and getting to know Marc, obviously someone I've never met irl has become less important - I value Filip so much, adore him like crazy, he's someone i'll NEVER cut contact with because he just knows me so well and is such a lovely person. But until I meet him irl, I really can't say what exactly I feel, and also I dont ever plan on being in a LDR anyway, so there's that (although I do plan on perhaps studying in his country next year).

 

My head is entirely with Marc right now and lately it even scares me because I can feel myself becoming vulnerable, analyzing his actions and his messages (though not to an irrational point, luckily), I haven't felt stuff like this in a long time (the butterflies, the knots, the daydreaming) and it's just sooo weird, I can't wrap my head around it.

 

Anyway, today is the first time we got a little closer physically. Nothing too crazy, just after work when everyone had left, we went outside the building and talked some, we stood very close to eachother, hugged at some point, rested my chin on his shoulder and later when we said goodbye he leaned in slowly to give me a kiss on the cheek.

 

During that conversation he also mentioned how he is going to take me to dinner when he is finished teaching us (we'll get a different coach next week, bah). When I playfully asked "what if he would be our coach for the whole rest of the training phase" (so about 4 weeks), he answered I would have to wait 4 weeks for the date then. I guess he just takes his professional boundaries seriously

 

I was soo nervous during the few minutes where there was physical closeness between us (and I RARELY EVER get nervous around guys, can't even remember the last time a guy made me nervous!) I think when we actually kiss at some point, my heart will jump out of my chest

 

 

Enough for now!

[TMifune]

Bunney,

 

I really hope you're not setting yourself up for heartbreak with "Marc". I think many times the attraction to someone who's in a leadership or supervisory role (he's your training instructor?) is about the role and not the person and it often doesn't translate to things outside that role. That and the general advice of not dating at work because of all the ways that can go wrong.

 

Either way, I wish you the best of luck!

[Bunney]

wow, someone's actually reading this! I'm honestly surprised!

 

Trust me I've been trying to figure out what and why exactly I am so enamored with him, and for a moment I thought maybe it was his role - but then I realized all those times in my life where a man was in a authority/leadership role and I felt NO attraction whatsoever, not even if they were goodlooking (this one is not though, like I mentioned). So I dont think its that. AND I've also asked myself if I would still like him so much if he were a fellow trainee of mine and not the coach, but I've come to the conclusion that it's really the way he is, the way he presents himself, how he's able to make me laugh, 'gets' my humor, all those things.

 

After the training phase he will still be our coach but we won't see him as much, I think about 2 days a week if I remember correctly. We'll only see him when we need help etc.

 

Thanks for your contribution, I'm glad anyone is reading this at all & the fact that you're one of my favorite enotaloners makes it even better!