Boomerang ex

[romanticidiot]

So I've been in a bit of a situation for a while now. My ex broke up with me four months ago, and if he'd stayed away maybe I would be closer to healing by now. We dated for nearly two years. We were planning to do a TEFL course and move to Japan for a year after we'd graduated. In this space he became distant and I felt insecure. He said he was falling out of love with me because of my insecurities, but my insecurities were fueled by his behaviour so it was a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Anyway, the day we were going to book the TEFL course, he bailed and gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line. It was understandable as we were constantly arguing, but what damaged my trust in him was the fact he continued to say he was going to move abroad with me when he knew full well he wasn't going to. He just dropped me at the last minute and left me to do it all aloe. What also hurt was the way he told me he "needed me" the morning we broke up- when he knew full well he was going to dump me (I found this out in later conversations).

 

I went NC two weeks after the break up. Four weeks of NC (and a weekend TEFL course) later I received a long FB message saying he missed me, felt he had lost a big part of him when we broke up and wanted me in his life again. He added that "he didn't know what he was hoping to achieve with the message" and wanted to meet up. I still had strong feelings for him at this point, but was beginning to heal. I ignored the message, simply because I was a bit confused. He seemed uncertain about what he wanted from me, and I didn't want to be pulled back into that and risk getting hurt again. When I got home that day my housemate told me she'd been messaging her, saying how much he had been crying about me and looking through old pictures, but didn't know if he wanted to get back together. I decided this was a sure sign to steer clear. I'd already been through all the break up crap and wasn't willing to go through more hurt for someone who "wasn't sure". A few days later he was performing at a poetry slam I was hosting and was sobbing whenever I stood near him to chat to friends and drinking loads. When I got home he started messaging me telling me he was sorry and in a very roundabout way told me he wanted to get back together. I told him it was too late for that, but when I woke up the next morning realised that I had wanted to be with him all along, and decided to give him a second chance, so invited him round to discuss the relationship.

 

He came round and told me he loved me, but wasn't in love with me, but wanted to feel the way he did before and give the relationship another go. He told me the only reason he wasn't "in love" was because he was scared we would end up arguing again. This made sense to me, at the time, or maybe I convinced myself it did. I took him back, but two days later woke up and felt like I was making a horrible mistake waiting for something that may not have ever happened, and broke it off, as much as it pained me, as I felt like to stay in a relationship waiting for the man I'd spent two years with to fall back in love was just extending the inevitable heartbreak. He told me he was wrong to come back if he wasn't sure. As we were arguing about it, I noticed something strange. If I reached out to him he'd pull away, and if I was angry he'd vie for my attention. Perhaps this is a case of him only wanting what he can't have.

 

Two days later we saw each other at a party and he tells me he is in love with me after all and can't stop thinking about me. So I thought it over (for a day, probably should have taken longer to be honest) and took him back. We dated for two weeks. I was a bit insecure because I didn't feel I could entirely trust him after the way he had left me, but I was definitely getting there. We started doing the things we used to do, I tried to add some more excitement to the relationship (we spent most our evenings watching films and eating Pringles, pretty sad for a 21 year old couple) so I planned dates. He still had a miserable face on him sometimes. The things I did didn't seem good enough, he made some hurtful comments about my figure, he got snappy- didn't help my trust in him.

 

Then came the fateful day- he was going to book the TEFL course. He was looking up dates when he dropped a bomb on me. He had booked a month long holiday without telling me. And it wasn't any holiday with (formerly) mutual friends- it was one I had been originally invited to and he knew I wanted to go on (I didn't even think it was still happening as I assumed he'd tell me before he booked it). And he just dropped it in like it was the most casual thing in the world. I was furious. I thought "that's it, I can't trust him", told him I didn't love him (at the time I certainly meant it) and was in the process of breaking up with him, but when I had calmed down and decided to listen to his side, he sealed the deal, screaming that it was "too late" for me. It was the day before my essay deadline and three weeks before my final uni project deadline.

 

I decided to cut off all contact, but before doing so sent him a message telling him how he'd hurt me. On the phone he said he didn't love me anymore, and I thought "fine". I would have happily left it like that, until he sent me a long "sorry" message a week later, saying he loved me, couldn't stop thinking about me, felt like and once again "didn't know what he was hoping to achieve". Like before, he worded the message so it wasn't clear whether he wanted to get back with me or be friends. I ignored it, but it played on my mind. I wondered if he was coming back. I was very confused about the whole thing. A second opinion on the message was "Yep, he wants you back." I was confused. We had an argument and he phoned twice on what would have been our anniversary, I'm not sure what for. He started to irritate me by discussing me with my friends, acting like his presence at parties would upset me, like I was the only one who'd be hurting even though he messaged me to say he was. We were briefly in contact about him picking up his bike from my house, but after I text him he phoned on a friend's phone (I'd blocked his number) and when I said I didn't want to speak to him he showed up at my house. My friends had to stop him running upstairs to tell me he loves me and cares etc. He told them he can't stop thinking about me but thinks too much damage has been done to the relationship. The next day he text my friend asking how I am. We were out with mutual friends and I told him to stop discussing me with my friends and contacting them about me and acting like I'm this victim because I'm fine without him. He'd been drinking heavily at this night out and making a deal about it, and how he was miserable. After I told him that I didn't want to speak to him he followed me home and when I come downstairs he's discussing me with my housemate again. I said I was going to the SPAR and when I was standing in the queue and picking up snacks I saw him lurking around the back of the shop. He knew I was going to be there. I sent him a final message urging him to stop coming round and talking about me because it was causing me a great deal of anxiety. I was also stupid enough to say I still loved him. It took three weeks for those feelings to resurface, mostly because he was saying he loved me, I felt safer feeling them somehow. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he came round the next day to say that he loves me, but isn't in love with me and doesn't want to be with me because "we tried".

 

So, yeah. I feel that because of his misleading messages and behaviour I'm back at square one again. I miss him like crazy, though I don't think I could trust him again and I think I love the idea of him more than the reality. He was my best friend. In a week I leave uni for good and I won't have to see him again. He's still showing signs of interest- staring, cutting into conversations between me and other guys, but I don't know, he's acted so confused, now I'm confused and so angry because I would have been fine if he hadn't sent that message!

 

I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar or have any success stories. I know I need to let go of him now, but I miss him quite a lot. I'm not sure if it's likely he's going to regret again.

[byanilla]

Hi romanticidiot,

 

It's amazing how clear you are with where you stand despite your ex-boyfriend changing his decisions on what he wanted. You are confused because of the fluctuations in your ex's behavior which bothers you because you want to have a solid, stable stance.

 

It's clear that your ex doesn't know what he wants; hence, he is going back and forth with getting back together and breaking up. You seem pretty clear with your decision though this time--correct me if I'm wrong. How does the current situation with your ex affect you?

[byanilla]

btw to answer your question, I've been through this indecisiveness before on my part. The situation was different, but basically, I didn't know what I wanted in a partner. Being young, I confused attachment with the need for a relationship. But, I don't think my situation was as clear cut as yours.

[romanticidiot]

Thank you for your response, Byanilla It's interesting to hear about indecisiveness from another perspective. When you say "clear cut", do you mean the way my ex is very definite about how he feels (albeit, it changes very suddenly). Right now I've cut all channels of communication with him. The whole experience has been emotionally draining and has knocked my self esteem a bit. It's sad, he was a huge part of my life, but I fear he's changed too much and I don't want him to be able to confuse me with any more ambiguous messages. I just want to enjoy my last week at university. We're both graduating, so soon we'll be living 200 miles apart. I'm both sad about that and relieved at the same time, because it means I might finally have a chance of getting over him.

[CeeLambrini]

The drama he brings around him just suffocates me at the thought of being in your situation. There is just so much unnecessary drama that it is like a play, not a stable discussion between two adults who seem to be at a standstill. Crying, stalking, lurking, texting your friends, talking to your friends, your friends having to 'stop him' from declaring his love for you.

There is just so much additional theatricals here that it's no wonder you are confused about what he feels at any given time.

Strip down his outbursts to the core and see him for what he is. You have hit the nail on the head - he is a boomerang. Yet only happy when the drama is all about him. He will go away - and all will be calm. But that's not good enough for him! So he will come back again with any reason he needs!

 

Trust me, stop responding to him and keep him out as much as you can. You are going to look back on this guy and cringe, I promise.

[romanticidiot]

Thank you so much for your response. I'm sure that one day I will, and it's become much easier to distance myself from the situation now I've left uni. My goal is that when I next see him at graduation I will be well on the road to moving on