3rd and Long

[SanSerif]

Days like this make me feel almost like I should be more cautious.

 

I feel that way because I've been so open, playful, and prankish I hardly recognize myself. Occasionally I'll get a thought which creates a little bump on my head. That bump is an indicator to watch out.

 

I don't want to watch out. I've had panic attacks. I've had a seizure. I've had spectacular interactions. I've had good days and bad days. Today is a good day. It's good because I've made it that way. Everything is good. I've got my short-term goals lined up, finances in better order than they have been in months, and I'm getting lost in my love for basketball and working out.

 

I was uncharacteristically sincere with a friend about an untouched subject today, and was rewarded.

 

It's become ritual and habit to me to withdraw into myself; that's what this bump is indicating. It's indicating that it's time now, to shrivel and be conservative. But I have no further interest in that. Everything I'm doing on a day to day basis is an attempt to thwart this mindset and thrust myself further into a world from which I have alienated myself. No more. There's nothing back there; there's nothing 'in here', that I haven't already found, dissected, and scrutinized. I want nothing more than to be completely done with that.

 

I am choosing Love over Fear. Even that little choice carries extraordinary implications. Even if it sounds mundane and staged; it is a conscious choice at every moment. Love. I want to invite it into my life and offer it to others'.

 

It's OK to be afraid sometimes. But that fear offers an opportunity. How would I like to respond? With Love, excitement, determination? Or obscurity, martyrdom, and the Known? I'd like to see what happens when I abandon the Known. I've done very well so far. I am determined to do better.