Midlife Crisis Diversion

[t1lersm0m1]

I understand wanting to turn back the clock, but in a way I'm very proud of the fine young man my son is growing to be. He is 16, I miss his toddler years, even his baby years.

 

You CAN'T beat yourself up over the past. Like in my signature, The past is for Reference, not Residence. You can't change it. You should be proud that you've been clean two years....what if you waited five or ten years more rather than waiting two years ago?

 

I know it's hard not to feel guilty, we are our own worst enemies, but you have to forgive yourself.

 

 

 

You should be very proud of him!

[t1lersm0m1]

About the guy with the nude photos, I know you deleted the texts, but I think you should cut off all contact with him. You know he has a crush on you, and it might have led him on to send those texts.

 

Glad you got to see your son and enjoy some company with him.

 

Life can be scary sometimes, especially with uncertainty, but as you said, you will be OK.

 

 

[jjkk]

Thanks t1lersmom1! I have cut all contact w/ the guy who sent the pics. He's sent a couple of texts since then but I've just ignored them. I haven't heard anything from him since Monday morning so I'm guessing he got the hint.

 

I got to see a few friends from work last night. One of them is moving next week and I'll miss her like crazy! She's so fun to be around and she always makes me laugh, plus she honestly is the most bad a** nurse I've ever worked with. Everyone in the hospital comes to her for everything. She pretty much runs the place when she's there. I'll miss you T!!

[jjkk]

I went out to the parking lot after working my 12 hour night shift to discover that one of my tires was completely flat! So flat there was no way I could make the 30 minute trip home on it. I was worried that if I filled it w/ air it'd go flat again on my drive home. It's 630am so no tire places are open and of course I'm exhausted! Well, I sat in my car for a few minutes listening to the radio, got out to go back into work and sleep in an empty room for a couple of hours until tire places open and then get the tire fixed.

 

Oops! Locked my keys in the car w/ the radio on! (Yes, that being up all night tired SUCKS! and it makes me really stupid). Luckily the window was down a crack so the security guard was able to unlock it for me really quick. Yay!!

 

I went up and crashed out in an empty room until 9. Woke up groggy and disoriented but called and got someone out to fill tire w/ air and then drove to the shop and they got it fixed fast. Plus, tire was still under warranty so no charge! The ease in which the disaster was fixed balanced out me feeling like what a crappy morning!

 

At 630 when this happened I texted B and told him about tire, that I was going to sleep couple hours, get it fixed. Then texted a few mins later about locking keys in car. I knew he was probably still asleep and wouldn't respond for awhile. When I woke up at 9, still nothing from B and I was pissed off because I knew he was awake by this time. Who wouldn't respond to their gf right away after hearing this happened to her?

 

I got to tire store and texted him about ignoring me. He responded right away saying he was just getting up and out the door to work, sorry about all that happened, love you. I was ticked off and just said "whatever" to which he replied "whatever to you" then a couple mins later sent a text trying to joke around about the keys locked in the car, I know him, he was trying to be on good terms again by joking. I told him it was rude and he told me to get some sleep because I was being grouchy. I'm sure lack of sleep and groggy head played into how I handled it but I'm still mad! I didn't respond to the grouchy text and it's almost 3 and I haven't heard anything from him. He is working and he rarely texts during work so I'm trying not to be too upset about it. He's normally so attentive and feeling like he's always there for me is one of the reasons I stay w/ him. I just don't understand how he could see a couple texts from me about what was going on and not respond! No phone call to make sure things worked out, nothing! The only thing would be that he hadn't checked his phone yet but by 9 I'm sure he'd been up for an hour and he usually texts me good morning between 8 and 830!!

 

It's probably all stupid and doesn't matter but the reality is my feelings are hurt.

 

Happier note (besides that car woes were fixed so easily), my son will here Wednesday. He's staying until October when he leaves to Peru for 2 years. Also, the girls and I are going to a city a few hours away Sat. and Sun. for pride days and to see friends from when we lived in the city.

[t1lersm0m1]

Sorry about the events of your morning

[jjkk]

Thanks t1lersmom1!

 

All worked well w/ B. He came over Friday night. His boss had been calling and texting him a lot about work stuff that morning which is why he hadn't responded. We've had some bumps in the past (both of us) and sometimes I find myself ultra sensitive to things.

 

My daughters and I went away for Sat. and Sun. This morning we went to the pride parade. It was a total blast! It's a huge parade. It lasted 2 hours and it was entertaining the entire time.

 

So while we were in town this weekend we saw S. He's my ex and we've remained friends. We lived together for 5 years so he's also close to my children and we all keep in touch. I believe he's mentally ill. I've always thought perhaps he was a tiny bit but the last time I visited him (about 3 months ago) it was really bad! He didn't make sense when he talked much of the time and he just seemed like he was spiraling out of control. Well, when I saw him yesterday I couldn't even handle being around him. I didn't give him a hug like I normally do. I couldn't. He looks like he's dying. It was so shocking and upsetting! He's about 6'3" and I doubt he weighs more than 150 or 160. I'm terribly at guessing weight so I could be totally off but he looks like a skeleton! I could see his ribs sticking out through his shirt, his cheeks are sunken and he was so pale.

 

It was probably rude of me but when I saw him I just stopped and blurted out something about him losing weight and being way too skinny, he needed to eat and asked him what's going on. He said he's not eating, he has no money. I told him to go to the food bank, do something because this isn't good! He could tell I was upset. I left after 5-10 minutes and we gave him two huge take out boxes of our left over Indian food so he would eat.

 

We talked on the phone today before I left and this time he was willing to listen to me. I explained he'd lost a huge amount of weight (he's never been overweight to begin with) in the past 3 months since I've seen him. He told me not to worry about him, that he's ok no matter what. We ended our conversation on a good note and were joking but I can't get the image of how skeleton like he looks out of my mind! He's very sick and he refuses to get any kind of help.

[jjkk]

Now I don't care if S dies or not. That's all I can say at the moment, still too painful to even type out, let alone verbalize, just had to say something!

[jjkk]

I'm reporting S to police today for molesting my daughters. I think I'm still in a numb state because it all feels so removed from me most of the time. I have had moments when my heart breaks for my girls. He was their stepdad for 5 years and they loved him. We've stayed in touch mostly because the kids loved him and I didn't want them to lose their relationship w/ him just because we broke up. My girls will be 16 at the end of this month.

 

We were visiting the town in which he lives over the weekend and my girls really wanted to spend some time with him. They enjoy talking to him and watching movies w/ him. At first I said no because he's been looking so sickly but they persisted and I'm a stupid jerk and I caved and let them. Late Sunday night after we got home they told me he'd touched them under their shorts while they were sleeping. Luckily it didn't last long because I showed up to get them. I had no idea! I completely trusted him! There's no other adult man I'd ever leave my kids unattended with except him and my close family members. I trusted him enough because of our history and he's known the girls since they were 7!

 

I'm absolutely sick over it and I wish I could take it all back and not let them stay! My mom is furious w/ me for letting them go to his place for a night that she won't even talk to me. I don't blame her. I blame myself for all of this, too. It's hard for me to even admit that I let them go over there because in hindsight it seems like a horrible idea. I don't know is wrong with me!!!

 

All I care about is making sure this is handled well so my girls can heal and move on. For me, part of that is admitting I made the worst mistake of my life. The girls have a counselor they see regularly and they have an appointment tomorrow and I'm calling authorities today. My son and I are having lunch w/ his gf so I'm waiting until afterwards to call. My son doesn't know what's going on and for the girls' privacy I'm keeping it that way for now. If I call before lunch I won't be able to focus and pretend everything's ok which I feel I need to do for my son right now.

 

I've never been through this before. I don't know what will happen after I call the police.

 

The girls have been doing so well here lately and I just f*****d it up! I made a horrible judgment call and put them through a huge trauma that I can't even comprehend.

[jjkk]

I filed the police report yesterday and was told a detective will contact me w/in a few days. The girls and I will probably have to travel so they can talk to the girls in person for the investigation. One of my daughters hasn't been sleeping. Tonight she's going to take a sleeping pill and go to bed really early. She really needs to get some sleep. I know how much worse everything feels when you're sleep deprived. Both girls have an appt. w/ their counselor today and I'm glad because I want them to be able to talk to someone.

 

I feel a bit better and got a bit of relief after filing the report. I wish there was something I could do to take away my daughters' pain!

 

On top of all this, B's mother is probably going to end up in the state mental hospital again. She's bipolar and either she isn't taking her meds or they aren't working for some reason. B has been watching her go downhill over the past few weeks and the past 3 or 4 days it's been really bad but she refuses to go to the hospital for an evaluation. He's been dealing w/ this his whole life and it's hard on him since he is her main care taker. He said every time he checks her meds they are on the right day and time so he thinks she's still taking them. Last night when he went to check on her she was lying in bed, naked and the bed was soaked w/ urine. She refused to get up to he could change the bed for her. He told her she needs to take a shower, etc. and she just gets furious w/ him and says horrible things and kicks him out of her house.

 

Her caseworker is taking her to the doctor today and we're hoping she can convince her to go for an eval at the hospital. If not, B will probably have to call an ambulance because he won't physically MAKE her go to the hospital. She'll fight the whole way. He's dealt with this before and she gets combative. Unless she's deemed that she's a danger to herself or others she can't be forced to go. She's not threatening to kill herself but she's obviously out of her mind and although perhaps she's not intentionally doing anything to harm herself, she's obviously in no state to be left to further go downhill.

 

I haven't dealt w/ this kind of mental illness so I don't know all the laws, etc. but it's a big mess!

[jjkk]

Wow, I'm struggling today. The detective hasn't called me yet so I left her a message today, letting her know I'm waiting to hear from her and to keep on her so things get going. I'm not going to drop the ball on this!

 

My heart hurts for my girls so bad. I can't even imagine what they're going through right now! Having a main father figure in their lives do this to them. Of course I feel disgusted and betrayed, too, but I keep wondering what the lifelong affect of this will be for them. One of my daughters (K)has completely shut down. She already suffers from anxiety and a bit of PTSD from a horrible couple of years and now this! The other daughter (I) says she's still in shock. I'm not as worried about her because she's willing to talk about it.

 

I guess I'm moving a bit out of the numb disconnected state I've been in for the past few days and now I feel sick and sad. Yesterday I had some anger at S, too. My heart aches and I want some relief. I especially want to see my girls truly smile again. K was already in a tremendously fragile state.

 

B's mom was admitted to the hospital today. I went and stayed w/ her for a little while since B was at work and it was nice because I actually felt like I was doing something. She's unresponsive. We don't know why. Her meds are a mess so maybe she took a week's worth all at once. Not sure. Of course B is extremely sad and stressed out about it.

 

We're each other's main support and it's sucks we're both having such a rough time right now.

 

Right now I'm at work and it's really slow here so I wasn't assigned any patients so I feel completely worthless and useless here, too. Plus, I have time to let my mind wander and obsess over everything. Obsess over how my girls are feeling, how this will affect their lives, wanting to make it better, hoping he goes to jail but worrying he'll get away with it, worrying about how B will handle all this stress w/ his mom. All this is out of my control so I'm just sitting with it, feeling like I want to do something but what?

[jjkk]

Still haven't heard from the detective. I called and left her a message. Kind of frustrating! It's been a week since I filed the police report. I know they're busy and this probably isn't on the top of their list but I'll just keep calling and leaving messages, someone will call me back eventually. I think some of my anxiousness about it is anger that S might be thinking he got away with it.

 

This shame and anguish I feel over this feels the same as my addiction. This is the way I used to feel about it (and still do around certain people and in certain situations). It's always there, in the back of my head. I've been to my health professional recovery group twice since this has happened and I've been unwilling to talk about it.

 

First of all, it's just too painful and I feel so powerless. Anything other than turning back time to make it never happen or taking away the memory of it and the pain of my daughters feels worthless.

 

I'm worried about being judged for allowing my girls to spend time alone w/ him. Looking from the outside, I'd maybe have the same judgments about myself. All I can say is I trusted him 100%. I'd never do anything to put my children in danger! He's known them since they were 7. He lived w/ us for 5 years and was a wonderful stepfather to my children. He's been active at staying involved in their lives since we broke up. The kids loved him and I did what I thought was best and allowed them to have visitations several times a year.

 

I know that just like talking about my addiction helped me process it and eventually eased the shame involved, talking about this will help but I just can't. I've told B and the officer when I filed the report.

 

I feel guilty any time I feel happy or have a moment of fun. I feel selfish when I worry about my family talking S*** about me, which I know they are and do every time I mess up. Honestly I'm not sure how to trust my judgment anymore which is extremely anxiety provoking.

 

On a better note, B's mom is doing really well. My son is staying here and we've had some good times together (when he isn't working or out w/ friends).

[jjkk]

Detective is out of town until next Tuesday. Grrr!!!

 

My daughter's friend died of an accidental overdose 1 1/2 years ago. I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child! Well, she contacted his dad because she really hasn't had closure from his death, in part because she didn't go to the funeral (teenage drama prevented it) and I think this new betrayal of trust by someone she really trusted has brought other painful experiences to the surface again. His father met up with me and gave me a CD of his funeral and the program from his funeral for her. It was such an act of kindness on his part.

 

He sent my daughter a lovely text about finding peace within all of this. It was really inspiring to me, too. In the aftermath of losing a child he's coming to a place of acceptance and learning to see the lessons and blessings in life's sometimes harsh realities. I talked to him a little bit when I picked up the CD. He said it's just been recent that he's been able to start getting back to a new "normal". His message gave me hope for my own situation (although I didn't talk to him about that).

[jjkk]

The girls' counselor also called and filed a police report last night. Maybe this will help in the whole process. At the very least I'm glad they're seeing someone and talking about it.

[t1lersm0m1]

I read this, and the post about you not caring if S dies or not, and was a bit confused.....

 

 

 

 

 

I'm so sorry that this happened, but it is NOT your fault. This is a man you were either with long term or married to...a man who was practically a father to your daughters. You could NEVER know that this was going to happen. The girls wanted to spend time with you and you allowed that. That does NOT make you responsible.

 

I'm not minimizing what happened to them...but we can't raise our children in a bubble. You allowed them to spend time with a man you trusted. How can you blame yourself for that? Give yourself a few days, beat yourself up if you must, but then forgive yourself. HE is the bad guy, NOT you.

[jjkk]

 

 

 

 

 

I'm so sorry that this happened, but it is NOT your fault. This is a man you were either with long term or married to...a man who was practically a father to your daughters. You could NEVER know that this was going to happen. The girls wanted to spend time with you and you allowed that. That does NOT make you responsible.

 

I'm not minimizing what happened to them...but we can't raise our children in a bubble. You allowed them to spend time with a man you trusted. How can you blame yourself for that? Give yourself a few days, beat yourself up if you must, but then forgive yourself. HE is the bad guy, NOT you.

 

Thank you. It's true we were together from the time the girls had barely turned 7 until they were almost 13. He lived with us much of that time and was their main father figure. When he and I broke up I didn't want them to lose another "dad" so I made sure we stayed in touch for their sake more than anything.

 

It's hard not to feel like a piece of s*** when my parents, especially my mom blames me for this happening and I go a call from child protective services today and although I've done everything I'm supposed to do about this it still made me feel like a horrible mother.

 

As for my girls, I'm glad they talked to their counselor about it and hopefully they can start healing. I'm really anxious for the detective to call next week as I want something to happen, that's all I feel like I can do, is just make something happen to S.

 

It's not my fault, no, I would NEVER put my kids in harm's way! He's the ONLY man I'd ever let them stay around alone (besides my dad, brother and brothers in law!!). I've been very protective of them.

[jjkk]

I have an all day class for work today. Dragging my feet, don't want to go! I know it won't be THAT bad but for some reason I always dread having to do these classes.

 

The detective is supposed to be back at work today so hopefully I hear from her soon. I'm a little stressed that she'll call today while I'm in this class so I'll miss the call and considering how long it's taken to hear from her, who knows how long it'll take to get back to me after that? I'll just keep calling and leaving messages. B thinks I should drive down there (it's a 3 1/2 hour drive) and demand to talk to someone who will do something. I may get that desperate, although I worry doing that might not get me anywhere. It's frustrating for sure! I reported this 2 weeks ago.

 

A mutual friend of S and I said he stopped by her house Sunday. She knows what happened and of course she didn't say anything but at least I know as of Sunday he was still in town and hadn't run off somewhere. That's another anxiety. That he'll take off somewhere to avoid facing charges. Maybe he thinks it's blown over since it's been over 2 weeks and he hasn't heard anything.

[jjkk]

It's my girls' birthday today! They're 16! They'll be over soon and we're going to spend the afternoon/evening together. Just chill, go to dinner, then a baseball game. It'll be good to see them.

 

Still no word from that f****** detective. I'm so pissed off. I've left another message and looked online for another contact number to try and get something, anything acknowledged! The only number available was the dispatch number. I've decided that next Tuesday (that will be 3 weeks since I filed the report) I'll call the dispatch number. I'm waiting because I honestly don't think it'll do any good to talk to them. I'm NOT impressed w/ the way this city deals with sexual abuse crimes.

 

Well I called the dispatch number again and was just told to keep trying to reach the detective, grrr! I understand she's busy and working on other cases, it's just frustrating because I want something to happen! So I guess I'll keep calling and wait.

 

I've been so tired the past few days. I'm sure some of it is emotional and some of it is just that my body is screwed up from working nights.

[jjkk]

It was wonderful to spend the day with my girls yesterday. They were so happy and seemed to be doing really well. I'm glad because I've been so worried about them since they were molested 2 1/2 weeks ago. It helped me feel better that they are still able to have happy, fun moments and be themselves again. I know there's still healing to do but just knowing they're OK made my heart happy.

[t1lersm0m1]

Happy birthday to your girls! My son turned 16 in March. I'd be seriously ticked off too. WTH is wrong with them? Why aren't they taking this seriously. So if a detective is on vacation, crimes go along not being punished?

 

 

 

I'm glad they enjoyed their day. I'm sure you made it a great one too. You seem like a really great Mom.

[jjkk]

Happy birthday to your girls! My son turned 16 in March. I'd be seriously ticked off too. WTH is wrong with them? Why aren't they taking this seriously. So if a detective is on vacation, crimes go along not being punished?

 

 

 

I'm glad they enjoyed their day. I'm sure you made it a great one too. You seem like a really great Mom.

 

Yeah I'm really pissed off. It's been almost 3 weeks and nothing from the detective! Not even a "hey, sorry, I'm bogged down w/ cases but I'm aware of you and it'll be X amount of time and we'll start the investigation" whatever...anything at this point would be nice!! It's causing me quite a bit of anxiety. Worrying that S will split town in the meantime and then nothing will happen, worried that they'll drop the ball on this whole thing, etc. Just so frustrating!!!

 

I try to be a great mom. I love my kids and have dedicated my life to them. It's been a rough couple of years for them and me. Not our relationship necessarily but in being shuffled around and now this wrench w/ S has been thrown in the mix, too. Lots of negative judgment from my family and that's hard but my kids love me and know I love them and am always there for them. I've always done the best I can w/ all my flaws and stupid mistakes.

 

I've forgiven my mom for all the crappy things she did to me as a kid. I understand her differently now that I'm a mom. She did the best she could. I believe she was depressed and had anxiety which is now treated w/ meds but wasn't until I was in my 20's. It was really hard being a hyper sensitive child w/ a depressed, abrasive, harsh mother who wasn't nurturing or very loving and occasionally physically abusive. I understand it now. Hopefully she can give me the same leeway and understanding I've done for her.

[jjkk]

It's been a slow night shift so I've had plenty of time to think about things. I've realized there are a few things that I used to do regularly that helped me immensely in life. They helped me feel calm, centered, connected to the spiritual side of life. I haven't done them and I miss it! Some of it is I'm just not in the habit so I don't think about it.

 

It's difficult having a routine when I work the schedule I work. I've allowed myself to become complacent and drift along, not taking action, I've become lazy.

 

Here's what I need to do again: restart my regular yoga practice, meditate daily, and start doing shamanic journeying. I just remember what I felt like during that time in my life and I miss it terribly.

[jjkk]

The detective finally called me yesterday. She's working on setting up an interview for my girls here. Now I'm waiting to hear back on that, could be another month I guess, grrr!! I finally called and got the sergeant's number yesterday because I was so frustrated about still not hearing back. Idk if it's a coincidence or not that she called after I called him...doesn't matter, just glad something happened. Meanwhile this jack*** went to the Rainbow gathering and is going about living his life as if nothing happened. Infuriating!!

[jjkk]

B has been so angry lately. It's been rough for me to deal with. He's so stressed about his mom but he won't let me take her her meds sometimes so he can have a break. He can't force her to go to the hospital to get a med adjustment, he just has to wait until it gets bad enough that she's forced to go. It's been going on for 2 months or so and he's taking it all so hard. He takes on way too much blame for her condition.

 

He's stressed about work. He's quite busy w/ work during the summer so juggling everything is a bit difficult but again, he refuses to let me step in and help when I can. I know he has a bad attitude at work right and that's causing friction between him and his boss. He's normally so easy going and fun. It's hard on me to see him like this, calling me a couple of times a day just venting. I'm glad he knows he can talk to me but there's nothing I can do to help so I feel useless and it's stressing me out!

 

B's also worked up that things won't fall into place so he can move later this year. Honestly I'd rather he didn't because I don't want to do a LDR for a year and a half until I can move, too, but I'm worried he'll self destruct if he stays here. I know moving doesn't change who you are. It's a temporary fix. Ultimately I'd love for him to learn how to cope w/out alcohol but he's not willing to so as soon as he's off probation he'll be drinking again. I try not to worry about it because it hasn't happened yet and ultimately I don't know how things will play out but I can't help have that fear in the back of my mind. Seeing him w/ so much anxiety and anger right now has me worried he's going to snap and self destruct. It's all out of my hands. I'm here for him and can only watch how things play out and decide how to proceed from there.

 

I've never been w/ him while he drinks. We met at outpatient rehab so I don't know that part of him, just what he's told me. He insists that things will remain the same for us but when I think about it, it scares me. I'm not worried that he'll be violent or anything like that, it's just an unknown dynamic in the relationship. He's not taking his anger out on me, just calls and vents to me. I'm quite sensitive and it's been getting to me, especially since it doesn't feel like there's anything I can do to help. He says listening to him helps and I'm sure it does but day after day nothing gets better, in fact the past few days it seems to have gotten worse. I don't want to let him know how much it upsets me because I don't want him to feel that he can't come to me. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one he talks to about it much. Maybe others a tiny bit here and there. I don't want him to feel cut off from his main support source. Grrrr!! I've just been feeling so bad the past couple of days, can't seem to shake it.

[jjkk]

I've had some dreams w/ S in them. I don't remember specifics, just in one of them I was trying to get my girls away from him, having anxiety and that sense of urgency to get them away but for some reason I can't quite reach them. He called me on the phone in one of them. Another one he was sitting by my girls on the couch and being friendly and I just wanted to get them away.

 

The past few days I've just wanted to be wrapped in love and told everything is going to be OK and that I don't have to do this all alone. I've felt like I've carried such a huge load the past 2 1/2 years. Some days I just wish I could shift the burden on to someone else's shoulders and go get wrapped up in warmth and happiness.

[jjkk]

I'm going to work at the soup kitchen today. I always enjoy doing that. I love talking to the people who I work with when I'm there.

 

My son got 3rd place overall in the 5k he ran today!!

 

He and I went out for dinner last night and then one of his friends came over later and we all talked. This friend of his (age 17) got his girlfriend pregnant so he came over to tell me. I already knew, I had a feeling. So young, so many challenges ahead. I see this sort of thing all the time as I'm a labor and delivery nurse. I hope I can continue to be there as support for him. I don't know the girl but he talked about their relationship and it's very tumultuous. It's just typical teenage things which are to be expected as we learn how to navigate ourselves and relationships but add a pregnancy to it and it looks like it's going to crash and burn.

 

B's mom is having another worse streak. Even her "good" days now aren't very good. He's so distraught and I'm still here, unable to help in any way except be a sounding board for him. He's so preoccupied with it all.

 

I haven't heard back from the detective about lining my girls up for an interview. I left a message and an email. I have the stress and worry of that playing in my mind every day right now, too.