Midlife Crisis Diversion

[jjkk]

I love to journal and have years worth of journals so I was excited to see a "journal" forum here. I haven't been journaling lately so I decided this might be fun to try and be more consistent doing this online. This first post will probably be full of me being on the pity pot.

 

So I turned 40 a couple of months ago. The thing that has me most distressed right at this moment is BODY!! (this is on my mind every day but some days I have something else I'm upset about...kids growing up, not living w/ me anymore, relationships, age, etc.)

 

Today I feel like a bloated fatso. I work nights (6p.m.-6a.m.) and it has messed up my work out routine and I find myself eating WAY too much at work, just munching on crap to pass time and help me stay awake. I should be moving to days in August and I'm sure it'll get better. I've been feeling so awful though I can't wait until then to take steps to get off my a and feel better. I would even say I'm mildly depressed.

 

I'm 5'9" and I'm not sure what I weigh. I'm too freaked out to get on the scale. I'm probably around 140 but I'm so stressed out it'll be more than that that I won't even get on the scale and check. I don't need to feel worse about myself. So...I don't know where I'm starting. I know my clothes still fit fine.

 

I need to keep myself accountable and work out! I need to eat less and better. I have the time!! I have a gym membership. I have plenty of work out DVDs that I enjoy...when I actually do them. I also know working out will help my mild depression.

 

The past couple of years I've had some really major life changing events occur and I feel like the dust has settled from the shock of it all and now I'm left struggling to integrate the fall out. It hasn't been easy. I'll probably update w/ pieces of my story over time because it feels too overwhelming right now but sometimes I find myself running through a part of it in my head over and over and I think getting it out would be helpful.

 

Right now I'm consumed w/ the depression and feeling like a fat loser.

 

I work three 12 hour shifts and my next night off is Saturday so I absolutely must exercise that day. I can still do some arm and ab stuff on the days I work because I just do a little bit and have the time.

 

I need to stop comparing myself to other people. I do it obsessively. If I see another woman the first thought I have is whether I'm fatter than her and if I am I feel upset and like I need to do better. This is ridiculous and I know it! You'd think by 40 I'd be over such trivial things! In fact it's gotten worse over time and I'm more worried about it now than I ever have been. As I type this my anxiety level is increasing, I can feel it and I really just want to storm off and feel sorry for myself. Omg, I promise I know it's stupid but here I am...2am, I guess the filters gone, lol.

 

Anyway, I know I'll be OK and I know I can do better because I have before. This will all pass and in the big scheme of life, I'm great!

[missmarple]

My suggestion is to stop avoiding the scales. I've never had a weight problem but one of my best friends swears that avoiding to weigh yourself is the best way to put on even more weight!

[jjkk]

Thanks missmarple. Hopefully I can convince myself to do it and get it over with! I've thought about checking every day so if the numbers go up I know I need to adjust things quickly.

[DancingFool]

Your clothes fit - that's your real indicator.

[jjkk]

DancingFool, I feel much better today. I slept pretty well after work and I woke up feeling much better about life and you're right, my clothes still fit!! Thanks for your encouragement.

[potd2009]

I recommend the opposite: weigh yourself every day. I've found that this eliminates fear of the unknown (the "oh god I've gained so much weight I don't even want to know the number") phenomenon you mentioned -- and in my experience, seeing even a 1-lb. gain on the scale will immediately trigger healthier behaviors - more fruits and veggies, extra workouts, etc. Of course, anyone who is eating disorder-prone should avoid daily weigh-ins, but I think that for everyone else, it encourages accountability and avoids major surprises. That is, you'll never have the experience of saying, "Oh crap, I gained 15 pounds" - you'll know well before that point that things are trending the wrong way and can take healthy steps to ward off the weight gain.

 

ETA Obviously, there'll be day to day variance based on water weight, etc., so you can't freak out about minor 0.5-1 lb. variances. Though I've found that if I add an extra cardio session because of a slight water weight gain, it's really a win-win - more cardio endurance AND ultimately a slightly slimmer body.

[jjkk]

Thanks! I still haven't made it to the scale, lol. I do feel much better today and I did some mellow toning exercises. I usually don't work out much when I'm on a working streak because I'm gone from 5p.m. until 6:30am and I have to sleep so I only have a small amount of time those days so today I just did some toning things, just enough to get a little bit of burn, get the blood flowing. I'm now on my way to the grocery store to get some fruits and veggies to munch on at work tonight.

 

My bf called me from a really busy day at work just to let me know he loves me and that made my day! It's little sweet things like that that keep relationships happy. Also, I really appreciate the feedback from you all.

[jjkk]

So I'm feeling much better today and I WILL get on the scale tomorrow as soon as I wake up. No excuses!

[jjkk]

I woke up to a surprise on the scale! I followed through and weighed myself and I'm 135 lbs. so nothing like I feared. Tonight is my last night at work for a couple of days.

 

Now I'm procrastinating on getting a hotel room and a rental car for next weekend when I go to my son's high school graduation. He lives clear accross the country w/ his dad. He has for the past two years. It's been hard for me having him so far away and I know it's been hard for him, too. He's done much better this year but last year was really difficult for him. It was a case of the grass is greener somewhere else but once he got there and got settled in he realized he really missed his friends and family here.

 

It's a struggle to have to let your kids make some of their own choices, knowing it won't play out the way they think it will. I understand why he did it, though. His younger sisters were making everyone's life a nightmare. Literally we were living in crazy town w/ them and their drama and trouble. I had lost my job in a shameful way. I'm a medical professional who is also an addict and couldn't hide my using anymore and got fired. Currently I'm on a health professional's monitoring program so I'm able to continue working, thank God there's programs like that out there! It's a five year program and I'm barely two years into it.

 

Kids make their own choices and there's only so much control a parent has but I have tremendous guilt over my girls and their choices. They are doing much better now and they're living in another town w/ my parents after an attempt to live accross the country w/ their dad (same dad as son) but they got into trouble one time and he kicked them out! That just added to their trauma and I was really angry for awhile about it.

 

The guilt I have stems from my drug use. Although I was functional (kept full time job, was in graduate school, paid bills, got them to appts, etc.) I was still using daily for 5 years. I let them get away w/ way too much because I was numb and oblivious to what was going on w/ them. I'm clean now and have been for 2 years. All three of my kids are doing fabulously now and for the most part I don't dwell on the past but sometimes it creeps back into my head and I remember the horrible couple of years we had. Internally for me it was much longer than a couple of years.

 

I was given the gift of three wonderful, loving children and now they're so grown up and I've made so many mistakes and I can never have that time back. I miss them when they were little and would just sit on my lap and let me snuggle w/ them and read to them. We've had many great times together and now my oldest is finishing high school and then he's leaving on a 2 year mission for his church. My girls have 2 years left of high school and they'll be off, too. If I could just bottle up the smell, voices, and looks from when they were my little babies! Time has gone by too quickly and some days I'd give anything for an hour back in time.

[jjkk]

My son is going to Peru for 2 years. He leaves in October! The church he belongs to sends 18/19 year olds out on missions for two years and they assign you where you go so we've been eagerly awaiting to find out where he'll be living for 2 years. He got the letter yesterday and I'm so excited for him! I think it'll be a wonderful experience for him. He's also very excited.

 

Today I'm going shopping for a graduation dress to wear to his high school graduation which is one week from today. I'll be traveling to attend. I haven't seen him since our trip to the DR in March. He will be coming here end of June/beginning of July and staying until he leaves to Peru. I'll get a little bit of time w/ him. He'll be working for my dad and spending most of his free time w/ his friends (I hardly saw him last summer!) but we'll still do a few things together before he leaves and I won't see him for 2 years.

[Realitynut]

I read many years ago...an approximate calculator for how much you should weigh is:

 

100 pounds for 5' tall. 5 pounds for every inch over. Normal person

100 pounds for 5'tall...3 pounds for every inch over. Model

 

Seems about right...and i am WAAAAY overweight. And you are perfect and even considered underweight by some...

[jjkk]

Thanks, Realitynut. right now I'm just working on getting toned up a bit and being in good shape. What's happened in the past is weight slowly creeps up on me and then my clothes don't fit all of a sudden, lol so I've been trying to maintain.

[jjkk]

Today marks exactly 2 years since I've done any opiates. The withdrawals were horrible. It wasn't easy to go through. I did it and now most days I don't even think about it. I went through several weeks of pretty harsh physical withdrawal symptoms and several months of emotional ones.

 

The symptom that lingered the longest was the fatigue. Omg, I was exhausted for a couple of months!! I remember worrying that would never go away. No matter how much I slept, how much coffee I drank, I could barely keep my eyes open, just exhausted!! Now after working nights for the past year, I feel like I'm in that hell again.

 

So I'm frustrated at this moment because I'm so TIRED!! Working nights really messes w/ me. It's a beautiful day outside and I'd like to enjoy it but here I am, dragging my butt out of bed at 1p.m. and it takes me another hour or so to clear the fog from my head. I work tonight and I have to leave my house at 5p.m. to be there on time. I just feel like my life is being sucked away! I've been told I get to move to days in August and I can't wait!! If it doesn't happen I'm going to have to start looking around for a different job.

 

My bf (B) still wants me to move to Oregon w/ him in 2 years. That's fine, I don't mind moving but the 1st thing I always think of and stress out about is does this mean I'll have to work nights again just to find a job!!?? I'm even willing to work in another area besides labor and delivery (although that's my #1 love) just so I can be on a day schedule and have a decent quality of life.

 

B and I woke up around 8 this morning and I spent time w/ him before he left around 10 and I went straight back to bed for a few hours. I told him I was tired and he said "why you slept good" and I started crying. It's awful! I want to wake up and feel like I'm ready to take on the day again. I feel like such a bum! I feel like it's slowly gotten worse over the last year. The first few months of nights I did really well and I thought maybe I just had a hard time before because of all the drugs I was taking. I'm sure the pill popping didn't help but now that it's been a year I see that I'm almost as bad as I was before!

 

This is just the way it is and the way it will be until at least August. I'm not doing anything to change it so I'm just venting. Past August though I will be looking for another job if I'm not able to move to days where I am now.

[jjkk]

The lilies B got me have bloomed. They're so pretty, make me smile. I have the windows open, letting in the warm spring/summer air and I just love it!

[lavenderdove]

if you are 5'9" and 135, that is not overweight by any stretch of the imagination and if you are 'feeling fat' at that you need to work on your head and not your body fat.

 

You need to start being kinder to yourself and recognize that aging will bring lots of changes, and if you are freaking out already at 40, you will need to learn how to love life and love yourself and not be so focused on your appearance or you're in for a world of hurt when time starts to take other tolls on the body and face. One of the reasons they say life begins at 40 is you learn there are more valuable things in life to think about than looks, and you need to focus on other things than that. When you stop focusing on your looks, it opens up a whole new depth in your life and can be very freeing and really a positive change. Focus on being healthy, not on your looks!

[jjkk]

Thanks lavenderdove! I know you're right. I think I was just having a rough day. My life is so much better now than it was 15 years ago! I've spent most of my life realizing it's not what's on the outside that matters and never worrying about what I looked like. For some reason the past year or so I've gotten a little freaked out about changes all of a sudden. It's such a drastic change from how I've spent most of my life.

 

I have a great life and I'm appreciative of it. I think some of this change is because my kids don't live w/ me anymore and my relationship w/ bf is quite rocky and I worry about ending up "alone". I enjoy alone time and know I can have a wonderful, fulfilled life by myself if that's in the cards for me but ultimately I do want to find a life partner and have a man by my side for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm running out of time for that as the dating pool diminishes.

 

Right now I'm doing my best w/ my bf and there's many wonderful things about him but there's a couple of wild cards out there that have me skittish. It can be stressful but I try to focus on the here and now and enjoy the positive things I have going for me.

 

Having my kids move out has left me an empty nester a bit prematurely and it's been a jolting shift but now that's it's been nearly a year I've gotten more used to it and am learning to enjoy the freedom, although I miss them terribly.

[jjkk]

Had a little goofy time at work. I love that I can let loose and be uninhibited around my wonderful coworkers. I designed a "jack***" workout routine for one of the CNAs. So far there's the "flying lunatic", "forward jack*** row", "reverse jack*** row" and "shuffle shuffle boom". I needed to get up and get moving anyway, lol. We always have great laughs and they get more and more ridiculous the later (or earlier) it gets.

[DancingFool]

If you are used to working out and feeling tight and haven't been able to keep up, the feeling fat thing is truly in your head and the result of not feeling that tightness that you are used to feeling. I know I felt like that when I got injured and had to lay off for a long time I felt fat. Like I felt like I was 300 lbs waddling around. In reality, I didn't gain any weight or anything. It's just that feeling of tight fit muscles was gone. So it was an illusion of feeling like I'm ballooned somehow. The good news is that once you are back to working out or training, you'll feel quickly like your old self again.

[jjkk]

Thanks Dancingfool! I think you're right. I feel thinner when I work out. With my schedule I just haven't done it regularly in awhile and that's what I'm feeling because I haven't gotten any bigger.

[jjkk]

Naked pics + ex bf irritation + insecure friend = crazy day! My phone is usually quite quiet. It's been going crazy today! Why all this craziness all at once, it doesn't happen gradually over a few days, it's all in a matter of a few hours! I'm laid back and take things in stride so all okay but it threw my head for a loop.

 

My exbf has been trying to get a hold of me for a couple of days. We were together for 5 years and have been broken up for close to 4 years. We've remained friends. I believe he's mentally ill, perhaps a bit schizophrenic. He's gotten worse over the past year and it's become really difficult to talk to him or spend time with him because he doesn't listen to what I say, gets argumentative over every little thing, is easily paranoid, and sometimes goes on tangents about things like God choosing him to lead us in an intergalactic war to save souls. So I've really pulled away and especially recently have been avoiding his calls. Anyway, today I had some free time so I decided to call him back since he's been trying a lot lately. He told me had a medical issue he wanted to discuss w/ me. Apparently he some kind of cyst on his pubic bone. He was trying to explain it to me, wondering what it could be, since I "see a lot of that region in people". I laughed and said "of women" (I'm a labor and delivery nurse). He explained it to me and I told him I had no idea, especially w/out seeing it and he got irritated and said "you must not think that technically". I got a bit defensive, telling him I haven't seen it, I don't know what it could be, etc. Then I have to hear how he's not going to dr anyway because he doesn't want everyone having access to his medical information and getting poison to put in his body, etc. Luckily he had to be somewhere so it was a short conversation (usually it's really hard to get him off the phone). I always feel agitated and mind scrambled after talking to him.

 

While still on the phone w/ him, a guy a met while on vacation called me. I called him back. He's always been kind, respectful and caring. He's quite a few years younger than me and has a crush on me. He lives accross the country and knows I have bf so our contact has been quite limited and just friendly. I had texted him a few days ago to let him know my son is going on a mission to Peru. He spent time w/ my son on vacation also so that's why I thought he'd like to know. Right after our phone conversation he got really weird via text. He was asking me to send nude photos. He sent one of himself to me and then for about 15 minutes or so got a text about every minute asking for pics of me. I ignored. If he didn't live so far away I'd be completely freaked out! It truly seemed psychotic. Since then (hours later) he's called several times, sent 10 or so more texts, all of which were ignored. Texts stills asking for pics and why I'm not responding.

 

Then during his texting rant, a friend of mine started texting apologizing for being too clingy, selfish and pushy about spending time with me. In reality she's not too bad, I'm just someone who likes alone time and is selective in who I spend time with. My kids and bf are really the only people I enjoy spending any lengthy amount of time with. Everyone else I'm pretty happy meeting for lunch or coffee for a couple hours every so often. She wants a lot of time with me and was really pushy last week. I'd pulled away and haven't heard from her for a couple of days. Well today comes the onslaught of apologies and how depressed she is because she's lonely and wants to spend time with people. Add to this I happened to see a FB post aimed at this same topic. I sent a couple texts trying to smooth things over as I do enjoy her company in small doses.

 

I'm tired. I know I can be quite sensitive and let other people and their feelings and interactions w/ me affect me and I'm feeling it. My head feels scrambled and I'm done for the day. As I type this out it doesn't seem like such a big deal but wow, during those few hours I was between laughing and just wondering ?

 

Bf has day off tomorrow and he's coming over in the morning to spend the day w/ me.

[jjkk]

Also I don't even think the naked pics he sent were really him! I just deleted them. Maybe after hours of being ignored he'll stop trying to contact me.

[jjkk]

Headed to Indiana to attend my son's high school graduation. I'm excited I get to be there and celebrate with him. I'm sitting in the airport and I'm SO tired!! This night shift stuff has me so messed up! Went to bed at almost midnight and was suddenly awake and unable to sleep until 2a.m., had to be at the airport at 545. Slept crappy and now a full day of airports, airplanes and my foggy brain. This morning I told B just once I want to travel w/out having brain fog and being half dead w/ exhaustion!

 

I had a great day yesterday w/ B. We went to a couple of parks and enjoyed the sun and each other's company. Last night while watching a movie I was struck w/ how comfortable we are together. So comfy and easy. I occasionally have fear and dread creep in because he's planning on moving to Oregon in Dec. or Jan. I was going to move w/ him but my girls moved back and I can't leave them. Right now the tentative plan is that I will move to Oregon to be w/ him in 2 years when my girls finish high school. That means a year and a half long distance. Neither of us have ever done long distance and I don't know how well things will play out. Visiting every 4-6 weeks isn't unreasonable but for a year and a half that's a long time!!

 

I secretly hope things don't work out for him to move. I know it's selfish and our relationship could go to sh** even if he doesn't move but I'll miss him and our time together. He's my best friend. I know it's 6-7 months or so away but time goes so fast that I know it'll be here quick. I've decided to just focus on and enjoy our time together in the here and now and trust that things will play out in a way that suits both our best interests in the big scheme of life.

 

Wow, right now I'd pay a lot of money to rent a bed on the airplane, too bad it's not an option!

[jjkk]

The boy and I are having a good time together. We went and saw "A Million Ways to Die in the West". There was a couple of funny parts but overall not my humor but it wasn't bad enough that I walked out during it but don't care to see it again. BUT...at one point the main character has a drug trip and it reminded me of my shamanic journeying I used to do faithfully. No drugs involved but I had such wonderful, insightful experiences. My excuse has been that I need to get my drum tightened and I don't know who can do that for me. The person who made the drum has passed away and the other person who tightened it for me a few years ago has passed away, too. No, there's no curse on the drum, lol. It's sacred and powerful and I don't dare try to tighten it, I'm worried it'll mess it up. I could get in touch w/ A. He's the only one I can think of who may be able to do it.

 

The spiritual disconnect I've had lately is probably at the crux of all the internal disarray I've been feeling.

[jjkk]

My son graduated from high school today. He's such a great kid. I travelled to Indiana for his graduation as he's lived there w/ his dad and stepmom for the past two years. Every time I've come to visit his stepmom has made it a point to not be around when I was there so I wasn't sure how the graduation ceremony would play out. We're on good terms and have had several pleasant phone conversations. I've always really liked her. Anyway, I was a bit nervous about getting ditched at the ceremony, even though I knew I'd be OK sitting through it alone. Well, we all sat together and I went over to their house afterwards for a dinner get together w/ their friends and family. I helped prepare the meal and we all had a great time. I'm heading back home early in the morning. My son will be out to stay w/ me in a couple of weeks and he'll be there until October when he leaves for Peru.

[jjkk]

B and I spent a couple of great days together. Today he was showing me pics of the town in Oregon he is planning to move to in Dec. or Jan. I know he was just showing me to get me involved and he wants to share because he's excited but it leaves me w/ such dread because it reminds me it's coming! He did show me some places I could possibly work, too, but I won't be able to move until he's already been there a year and a half. I was going to move w/ him but now that my daughters moved back here, I can't leave until they graduate from high school...in 2 years.

 

I know no matter what happens I'll be OK. Sometimes I feel at peace and content and just know things will work out and be fine, other times I feel the sting of feeling like this relationship may not survive a year and a half long distance. Sometimes I feel like so what because in some ways I think I'm settling in this relationship and other times I feel like it's worth sticking out long distance to spend the rest of our lives together. I go through these feelings throughout the day...back and forth. I wish I'd just have a huge revelation of some kind, some lightning strike to the head that shows me the light and lets my head and heart unite and make a decision and follow through in peace.

 

I took my girls to get their learner's permit for driving. They start driver's ed next month. Then B, the girls and I went and got milkshakes and they showed B their gecko and we all had a good time together. If the girls hadn't been shuffled around so much past year I'd just have them move to Oregon w/ me but they're on their 3rd high school and I'm just worried it'd be too stressful for them.