Moontiger's Super Awesome Fun Times!

[Moontiger]

I attempted to start a journal ages ago but never really did anything with it. Since I cannot sleep tonight I figured I would give it another shot. This is probably going to very stream of conscious in nature.

 

M has been in my thoughts, he was going to take a trip to Scotland this summer and I wonder how that is going. I still have this completely illogical feeling that we are not done with each other even thought I have gone completely NC and have no intention of breaking it. I keep thinking about the movie/book He's Just Not That Into You and keep thinking about the rules/exceptions. Is it weird to hope to be the exceptions even with there is no evidence that you are?

 

I'm freaking about about grad school (again) I am dirt poor right now (though my job has improved) and the career path I have chosen, well, I'll never be rich. But I'm terrified I'll never be not worried about money. God, I hope I made the right choice. Lord knows its one of the reasons M didn't want to get serious with me. Not saying I would turn down grad school for a guy (that would just be stupid) but I do wonder if I wasn't going to grad school, what would have happened between us. Of course I'm also worried that I will fail and feel insecure about being the oldest person in the program (I'll be 28 by the time I finish).

 

I have been keeping up with working out and recently started eating Paleo. I've had a tough time being 100% strict with myself with the whole Paleo thing but I am trying hard. I even turned down smores at a bonfire the other night.

 

One thing I want this journal to help do is be more in touch with my negative emotions. That might sound weird but I am so conflict avoidant that I don't just avoid conflict with other but also with in myself. So I'm going to try each day to rate my emotions and write a little bit about them, the reasons I feel the way I do.

 

Today's Feelings

 

Scared: 4/10 - Grad School. What if I fail? What if it was the wrong choice? I know this has a lot to do with my parents doing to much for me as a kid. I wasn't good at school because I have two LD's. And my mom would go from one extreme to another yelling and making me feel terrible to coddling me. I know somewhere in my brain I can do this. I'm just really good at talking myself out of things.

 

Heart Broken: (that might be a little dramatic, but it's 1:30am. So whatever) 2.5/10 - Still sad about M. We fit really well (at least I thought) but he did not feel the same. Clearly, then he is not worth my time/thoughts. But they come anyways. I keep moving forward and improving myself and maybe if he (and I am using this words for its actually definitions NOT to insult anyone) wasn't so emotionally retarded things could have been different. And maybe he will be one day. Who knows?

 

 

 

Well that it for day one.

[Moontiger]

I guess this counts as day two!

 

I'm kind of...lonely. I guess I have been for a long time. I don't have a "solid" group of friends. I have people I hang out with with but not that solid group of people who all know each other really well and hang out together all the time. I miss that from college.

 

Still struggling with anxiety about grad school and still a little sad about M. So not much of an update there. I just cannot shake this feeling that M and I are not completely done with each other. Its completely irrational. I'm sure I'll get over it in time. And, OMG, why does every guy I talk to on tinder start to get weird? Its like there are no good men left in the world!