Boyfriend's behaviour and his two concerning female friendships

[Bunney]

woah. you were WAY too nice to her in the e-mail. You sounded like the doormat that you, in fact, are.

 

They have been boosting their own egos by intentionally making you jealous for the past 2 years. She dropped you on the floor and didn't even apologize. I would be ANYTHING but nice to them.

And I wouldn't give a damn if they thought I was b*tchy.

 

PS.: oh yeah. I'd dump the boyfriend in a heartbeat. you need a man instead of a boy.

[superfan]

Honestly he still isn't showing you the respect he needs to and it sounds like even after the talk he STILL doesn't understand why you are upset. If he did, then he would realize that it has been HIS actions all along that have been causing you the most pain - not the actions of the girls. Yes, what they are doing is beyond rude and inappropriate. But his own inability to set a boundary and for him to allow you to be continually disrespected to the point of shunning social engagements is the real hurt here.

 

Even when he "decided" (read: was threatened with losing you) to tell these girls their behavior was wrong, he still only decided to do it because you threatened to walk away. His motivation here would be my issue. He isn't dealing with the problem because he genuinely believes you have been disrespected or treated poorly, he is doing it because he is being backed into a corner and he still wants to "keep" his friends.

 

Which brings me to - WHY? If my husband had ANY friends in his life (male or female) who routinely made me feel bad about myself to the point where I would avoid social interaction with them, he would cut them out of his life far before I would have to ask him to (and I would never ask him to). And I would do the same if it were the other way around. It's because our relationship is his (and my) priority. He comes first. I don't care how long these girls have been in his life, people change. He is with you right now and he is making it pretty clear that these "friends" mean enough to him that he is OK with them treating you badly as long as he doesn't have to say anything and make it awkward.

 

That would be the last straw for me personally. The fact that he doesn't want to speak up because he doesn't want to "spread gossip" or look bad? This is how a man deals with boundaries being crossed?

 

I call bull.

 

A real man who cared about you would lay it out there as to how their behavior has been inappropriate without you having to nag him to do it.

 

AND he would do so without placing the blame on you. A passive aggressive email saying "my girlfriend hasn't come out with us lately because you make her feel uncomfortable" is still NOT handling the problem. It's a backhanded way of saying that he doesn't really believe their behavior HAS been inappropriate and so he is going to make it look like you made him send the email.

 

He is STILL prioritizing the friendship over you. Until he steps up to them and says "I don't like the way you have been coming on to me and flirting with me in front of my girlfriend. I find it disrespectful to both her and I and our relationship. If you don't stop I cannot continue to come out with you", then he will continue to let them behave that way (they will just save it for when you aren't around).

 

They will also vilify you when you aren't around and he will not stand up for you because he will be too busy trying to maintain the friendship.

 

Honestly, I would walk way.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, I actually thought your email was perfect. You let Girl B save a bit of face and put her, and in a roundabout way, Girl A on notice that past behaviors won't be tolerated any more. This is an excellent start, but it is still just a start. Although if your BF lost his last girlfriend to these two skanks shenanigans then he still will need to develop a pair and learn to stop being so needy of female attention. I do think your standing up for yourself is the right way to go, but I also think the day is going to come when you look at him and think, "I want a real man and you, buddy, just aren't it."

 

You have been pretty mature and laid back about all this, much more than I ever would I confess. I wouldn't worry about them talking bad about you behind your back, they already do that and no matter what you do they'll keep doing it. I'm just puzzled as to why these girls own BFs haven't broken up with them or pounded your BF into the ground already over the whole wildly inappropriate behaviors. Just curious, what exactly do Girl A and Girl B's guys do while this is all going on. The whole crowd sounds toxic. Any chance you can start getting your BF to hang out more with your friends and into a more mature crowd while letting the frat boys n' girls do a slow fade?

[kayem]

Maybe I was too nice in my message, but I am actually a nice person, so find it hard to be mean, even to people who are mean to me! So for me that was an extremely blunt message to send and i found it very hard. She will defo understand that I'm not happy with her, and any issues which arise from my message I will pass straight to the BF to deal with. It's tricky because on the one hand I want them to stop being such little hoes, but on the other hand I want to remain polite because all the while I am with the BF I will no doubt see these girls at social events.

 

So, I shared the message I sent to Girl B with my BF. He seems happy with the message - probably because he didn't have to send it himself - and he says that he will contact Girl A tonight to deal with her.

 

BF also says that he is really sorry about the whole situation. I think he can honestly see that this has been really horrible for me and that he should have and could have dealt with it easily a long ago. But what's done is done. He is trying to make amends now, so as long as he is doing that I can't stay angry with him. But in the future I will be much less tolerant of this kind of behaviour and I will kick off if it happens again and will also expect immediate back up from the BF to support me because I don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone involved.

 

Thank you all once again for your all of your messages. Hopefully this will all start to blow over and I might actually be able to go out and have some fun instead of worrying about these petty people!

[kayem]

It's funny you ask about the girls' BFs....

 

Girl A's fiance RARELY comes out. I've only met him a couple of times but he doesn't particularly get along with my BF.

 

Girl B's BF is best mates with my BF and wait for it........Girl A! So Girl A is also forever touching up Girl B's BF, I'd say even more than she does to my BF. So I think that Girl B has learnt this behaviour from Girl A and has let Girl A dominate her throughout her own relationship. Girl B is a a bit younger, so I think she is still finding herself and working things out.

 

So yes, toxic could describe that particular part of their group. The rest of them are absolutely lovely, so I will just concentrate on the decent people!

[kayem]

Thank you for saying that I have been laid back and mature. I have tried to be both of those things the entire time and rise above it all. I'm in my early 30s, so really shouldn't be having to deal with silliness like this at my age! Feels very teenage!

[missmarple]

I'm in my early 30s, so really shouldn't be having to deal with silliness like this at my age! Feels very teenage!

 

How old is your boyfriend???

Up until now, I thought you were both in your 20s.

[Ms Darcy]

I wish you actually HAD broken up with him. Even when you were on the verge, he complained about being blackmailed. No, I don't think he 'gets it.' He just knows it's important to you so he'll do the least he can do to appease you.

 

I'd walk away from him.

[LC8328]

Wow. Okay, a few things:

 

Kayem, I agree your message was passive-aggressive BUT since you're by nature a nice person, I understand it's difficult to be more direct and outspoken if you're not used to it. That said, just remember that defending yourself (and your relationship) doesn't make you mean. It makes you strong. And sadly, you need to be strong in today's world to deal with all kinds of unpredictable situations.

 

Secondly, there is a strange dynamic in this entire group of friends. I know you can't control it, but I think all these people need to spend time away from each other, especially the one girl who can't seem to keep her pretty hands of her friends' boyfriends. Why anyone would want to be friends with these people is beyond me.

 

And last, I'm glad your BF is taking steps to fix the situation, and I'm glad he had acknowledged your feelings about it. I guess what it comes down to is, how is the rest of your relationship? Is he respectful and responsive to your needs? Is he considerate? Only you know if this relationship is worth saving. If this is the lowest point of your relationship and it improves from here, then there's a chance. But if you have to keep constantly crying and begging him to take action to say 'stop' to these girls, then you might want to rethink it.

 

What I don't understand is why he told the one girl 'oh my girlfriend doesn't like it when you guys flirt with me' instead of manning up and saying, "Hey, I know we're friends, but you gotta stop this." You know? He's basically placing the blame on you and indirectly letting the girls know that although you don't like the flirting, he's okay with it.

 

Sorry if I'm ranting. I just really have specific opinions about this kind of thing.

 

In summary: Kudos to you for taking steps to correct it. I hope it works out the way you want it to.

[Iggles]

This is a good start, but I really don't think anything has been resolved. The BF has yet to "talk to" Girl A. And Girl B can ignore your email..

 

Holy heck, I did not think you were in your 30s, OP. I am almost thirty and my BF is 4 years older. There's no way, no how he would ever allow his friends to flirt with him even when I'm not around -- because he's in a relationship. We know our boundaries and neither of us are shy about asserting them to others! He's with me; I'm with him.

[abitbroken]

You know - its not up to you or him to tell these girls they are wrong. They can do and feel as they wish. It is about the behavior of your boyfriend. It is up to him to extract these two from his life or keep it up. He doesn't "need" to see them. They are not his sisters. They are not fiancees of his buddies. And you are a couple. Not part of the "college crowd of friends" who all goes out. If you are uncomfortable with them, he shouldn't go out with the "group" without you, he should be going on a date with his girlfriend instead. Or if its a night when you are sick and you insist he go on ahead, he goes and has a beer with his male buddies. I agree that I thought you guys were 21 and not in your 30s.

 

I really think that your boyfriend has not matured past the "we are apart of this group" thing. And the group of girls in a "hang out" group tend to be possessive and need to "approve" of other women or they just don't want "their guys" to be with anyone.

 

Honestly, if he won't knock it off and correct or avoid their behavior or avoid going out with them and NOT blame you for not doing so in front of them, I would be history.

 

The only other alternative is that you stop playing nice and deck one of them. Oh, yeah, that wouldn't be good. Or come on to their fiancee and ask how they feel about it. Ok, wrong again. But it would prove the point.

[abitbroken]

btw, what about planning outings for you and your boyfriend with NEW friends that are not "in the group", people who were YOUR friends before you met your boyfriend, family or make an attempt to join a meetup so you can meet other people. His atitude still stinks, though and he must secretly like it