Stupid things I've done

[1a1a]

Figure I'll collate them all here rather than making a million self pitying threads.

 

So, it'd be nice if this was the first and last thing but I'm sure it won't be. I had a kind of friend, we weren't really friends, maybe we could have been friends but most of our relationship had consisted up until this point of him sometimes feeling suicidal and me sometimes listening to/talking to/visiting him when he's like this...the net effect of which has been, I feel invested in this guy now, in a way I wouldn't have if he had just stayed a series of really sad and depressing facebook status updates....

 

So, about a week ago I was the one feeling horribly miserable. Made a particular post about thinking people would think I was worthwhile if they got to know me and he replied with "I know". Well, I visited his house with a specific request for cuddles and one thing led to another (with the aid of some weed) and we had sex. Which was kinda awesome, and way nice after sex cuddles too. I left his house the next day feeling mighty fine and greatly affectionate towards him. We parted on good terms.

 

Fast forward 4 days and I ask if we can hang out again, he obliges, we sit and watch TV for a while and I ask if he'd want to do that sex thing again some time. He obliges, still pretty cool, still very affectionate. It's the next day where I do the stupid thing. Next day he realises he's out of medication to manage his chronic pain and can't get any more because it's a public holiday and the chemist is shut. Mood deteriorates along with his physical well being and I am torn between really seriously feeling like I shouldn't leave because in the past I've come In at this point, and knowing that he isn't feeling like playing host anymore. I stay way too long until finally he is like "go, go bother someone else, I don't like to share this". I know not to take this to heart, but still, you know, uneasy. I know I need to leave him be so I do, and kinda hope that he'll be in touch, because I would like to keep hanging out with him in some capacity (I can leave the sex and affection if he doesn't want to do that but I would like the friendship to remain intact at least). Today I get a facebook message from him asking if I'll be at a particular music venue tonight? I'm a little bit elated I must say, I hadn't expected him to get in touch at all let alone so soon. I ask him what's on and he doesn't reply, 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours, longer. By now I've decided to drop in at the venue anyway to have a gander, and maybe I'll see him, and I can try and drum up some work while I'm there. I drop in once, see no one I know. Head back a second time and find one of our mutual friends, and lo and behold my Friend is there too. But we get no chance to talk, small talk or other wise, before they're all headed off back home. All my Friend said to me was "I bet you've been wearing the coat 4 days straight" And, "I'll see you when I see you" when it's time to leave.

 

Now I'm left wondering did he even want to hang out or was he scouting ahead to avoid running into me and any potential awkward that comes with that. My jerk brain is in overdrive right now with the latter. Which, I guess, at the end of the day, if the sex wrecked it and the friendship is gone, so be it but the not knowing is killing me. I ended up texting him and asking if he did in fact ask me if I would be there, had I not just imagined that? Why? Needless to say he did not reply.

 

So, there are a series of stupid things I've done.

 

And I'd just like to say, even though I know how I make the wrong turn every step of the way, JUST ONCE I would like to meet someone who sees me vulnerable and needy and insecure and instead of freaking out and running away is like "I can relate, it's all good, chill out, we're still friends" JUST ONCE

[1a1a]

Let myself become attached to a guy is utterly broken and refusing to seek help for it. We have a mutual friend that he knows extremely well and I know only in passing, I really feel like catching up with that mutual friend and expressing my fear and frustration at him refusing therapy....but then feel like a lame friendly acquaintance only talks to mutual friend about our broken mate...

[1a1a]

Not being stupid this time. Just want to say, I really want this one to want me.....I mean he's gorgeous, personality I mean, pleasing to my eyes, shares my passions, the main one anyway although maybe that's what's connecting us, he wants to learn, I want to teach.....but then there might be other things too, we're both people who go through life smiling more than most. He says he doesn't feel like most people, I feel that too...what if we're birds of a feather?

 

So, I enjoy the talking every day, and the occasional innuendo...and being invited out to social things. And as much as I want him to want me, I recognise that being a projection of how badly I want to be Wanted by someone. So I'm not being stupid and I'm not going to play it in such a way that I am the catalyst for physical intimacy, though I'd like it, I want that suggestion to come from him. Because if he hadn't given that a thought, then his interest, still genuine, must be genuine friendship and I want some genuine friends as much if not more than anything romantic or sexual. And, I'll be patient. If I still feel like this in weeks or months I know all I have to do is use my words and ask him if he feels the same. Heck, if he feels the same after knowing me for months then that's an interest built on a foundation of actually knowing me which has got to be better right?