Still stings

[Brokenheart99]

So my ex is blocked from everything and we don't keep in touch but his brother and mutual friends are still my friends on facebook, we didn't have a bad split and they were my friends before my ex and I dated. And they didn't want to lose me as a friend. I blocked them off my newsfeed however and we don't really talk often which has been working great. I've been doing pretty well, happier, meeting and even talking to new people. Except this morning for some reason one of my ex's brother posts showed up on my feed somehow, which said something about my ex and had a short video with him. I stopped reading instantly and didn't look at the video. But even though it's been 9 months, why is it still that I freeze and my heart sinks when I see my ex's name or picture? It's been on my mind since this morning, I'm curious why he is visiting his brother etc. I'm sure it will pass in a bit but I guess I'm just frustrated why it's still on my mind and why I can't just be indifferent to him already? How long does this take?? I just wish I were over him by now...entirely. And seeing him didn't phase me at all.

 

I guess I'm coming to realize that maybe that will never happen entirely the way I want it. Maybe he will always affect me in some small way? Anyways thanks for listening, just wanted some support today

[sammi87]

I think you need to grieve the loss of a person whether the loss is due to death or just separation. My understanding, is that the grieving process takes 6 months. But that doesn't mean that memories of that person won't pop and make you sad every once in a while.

 

However, it's the depth of your reaction that I find concerning... After 9 months, you still freeze and can't stand the sight of his name? That sounds like more misery than you deserve to be put through Have you considered talking to a therapist to help you through this? They can be a wonderful support.

[sammi87]

Oh- and go ahead and block the brother completely. Sure, you don't want to lose all your friends just because you broke up with a guy. But...brother is simply too close to the ex. Best to forgo maintaining relationships with anyone the ex is closely related too. I'm sure they can understand that.

[nutbrownhare]

It depends on how traumatic the breakup was, how many unresolved issues from the past it stirs up, and what the person is actually like. Sometimes grieving isn't just a question of crying and letting go; there may actually be post-traumatic stress involved with the relationship/breakup from the other person.

 

I was in an abusive live-in relationship - not for very long! - and when he ended it I was left in a very difficult situation - no job, nowhere to live and in a town where I hardly knew anybody. In fact it's all been fine, albeit stressful to begin with, but it took nearly two years before I could see his name without getting a jolt like being kicked. Yes, I did see a therapist and just came to the conclusion that time would eventually work its magic, which it did.

 

I went through a phase of feeling physically sick if I saw someone on the street who I momentarily mistook for him. He is genuinely a nasty piece of work and not someone I'd want to keep in contact with, regardless of our history, and there may be some element of that, too, for you.

 

The only thing I can reassure you of is that it DOES get better with time, fading away gradually, and getting on and living well will eliminate him from your thoughts quite quickly. I understand totally about the shock of finding his name on your computer, in your home, in your personal space and the feeling of intrusion that goes with it. But in time even that will fade.

 

The only contact I have with him is on a professional level - both ways - and there it's detached and cool, and no personal issues are discussed.

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah I see your point- I talk to a therapist once in a while. She keeps telling me I need to grieve the loss of my relationship and be compassionate to myself. I'm not really sure I follow because I feel like I have? And she also says that because I have just cut him out so much, it's almost like a knee jerk reaction to hurt so much if I hear or see him because I'm not used to him. She almost thinks I should just kind of desensitize myself to him. I don't know if I want to do that though.

 

I guess I can block the brother entirely. Though I hate to because we made it and discussed that we wouldn't after we broke up. Cuz the brother was on my side and hated how my ex treated me and didn't want to unfriend or lose my friendship. I don't know if he will understand why I've blocked him but I guess it's best for me. I feel kind of bad, he's been a real great friend to me and vice versa. He won't take it well, I'm certain. Oh well, guess it's necessary.

 

Nutbrown-you make a lot of sense. My ex was a decent guy I think overall? But he really did a number on me and my self worth. I'm kind of the same place as you, small town with no real support from family or friends when I got dumped so it was terrible because I had a realllly hard time hence I came here. Maybe that's why this is taking longer. But I also think I loved him differently and gave him all of me, something I never did before. It's just frustrating I guess, I know I'll bounce back but I just wish I were over him by now entirely. I am in the sense I no longer miss or want him back, but I just want to reach indifference entirely.