Catherine_3 Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Two moms in my circle of mom friends: Alice: A friend of mine. Has two sweet daughters, but her 3 year old has, at times, been violent toward my 2 year old. She will yell, push, hit, etc. for absolutely no reason. Shockingly, when this happens, her mother repeatedly believes that my 2 year old was the instigator. I'm pretty laid back about this stuff so I just made sure to remove my child discreetly from the situation and didn't make a big deal about it. Marie: I've never liked this woman. From the first time I met her, I got a bad feeling about her. I rarely get bad feelings about people, so when I do, I generally don't try to talk myself out of it. I later found out that she's unhappy in her marriage, and cheating (or at least seriously trying to cheat) on her husband. Her parenting style is also a bit strange to me. She will literally get down on her knees and plead with her 3 year old like "what can I do for you?" when she's having a tantrum. So Alice and Marie have a lot of playdates. Marie says that Alice's daughter is violent, that Alice's parenting enables violence, and that she won't let their daughters play together anymore if Alice won't control her child. Alice calls me crying, looking for a listening ear. Honestly, I think Marie is raising a wimp who is going to experience extreme shock when she realises the world isn't going to kneel down to her. But at the same time, I think Alice's child is violent. Marie has a pretty good point there. So what would you do? Are you doing Alice any favors if you tell her "don't worry, your child isn't violent. Marie is just too protective."? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 No, you aren't doing her any favors. You tell her, "Yes, your child does play too rough and you need to figure out a way to handle it." And please don't have any more play dates with this woman if her three-year-old is terrorizing your own child. It's up to you as the parent to protect him and I am not a big believer in "Oh let the poor kid figure out how to handle someone bigger, stronger and meaner than they are with no help from me." Nuh-uh. So be blunt. And avoid Marie at all costs. If the women call you crying and complaining ask each other what I wondered, "If you aren't happy and enjoying yourselves then why are you even having these play dates?" Seriously life is too short to put up with someone and your kids all probably don't like each other anyways. I've never been a big fan of putting up with other people's bad parenting and my kids all know it as do the parents in our social circles. I'm not mean, but I won't sugar coat things and I don't let anyone's kid pick on my kids--period. Stand up for yourself, stand up for your kids, if the moms don't like it let them go elsewhere for friendship. None of you need friends like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 So I am not a mom. But it seems common sense to me that it is not ok for children to be hitting each other. That is the parents job; to teach children how to socialize and learn self control. I frankly think of it as negligent for a parent to turn a blind eye to their child hitting others and misbehaving to the point where there is violence, and then blaming others for their childrens behavior. Not a great model to teach the kids self responsibility! Do you think your friend Alice is generally a responsible person and reasonable - is this some parental 'blind spot' she has? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Personally ,I would find two new friends for my kids to have play dates with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 And yes ,I would tell the other woman that her child is violent. One time my stepsister and I took our combined children to the beach. Her daughter threw sand in my son's eyes and her son pelted him with a rock in the forehead. Then when my son started to cry she turned and looked at me and said ,"he's a bit of a wiener isn't he?" I said no your children are little beasts and can't play properly. That was the last time our children played together until they were a lot older. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oitnb Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 I would tell your friend her child does tend to have violent tendencies. It's not coddling your child to take them out of that type of environment, especially at the young age of 2! Three is quite young to be showing such violent behavior. Either the child sees this type of behavior at home, or has something mentally going on and the mom needs to keep an eye on it. That's worrisome to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine_3 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 We hang out usually about once a week and I've only seen the violent behaviour twice. Generally both the mom and the kid are sweet. And it's definitely not the kind of violence I've sometimes observed at public play centres, where kids will punch each other. It's basically a kid being tired and grabbing toys, pushing, etc. which is very normal behaviour. And the mother did intervene but she told her daughter "no, we don't hit other children. I know (my toddler) hit you first but she's small and we have to set a good example for her". ...when it was 100% her kid who came up and started the fight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oitnb Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 So is it an issue or not?.... In your initial post you said it was hitting and unprovoked, and now your saying it's normal toddler behavior - fighting over toys and such. Not trying to be snooty but which one is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 I have a 5 year old who plays with children who are in the age range 3.5-5. What I find typical is both parents keep a watchful eye that her own child is sharing/taking turns/ behaving nicely. When I have encountered a child who is aggressive towards my son (who is not aggressive with other children) I will physically intervene if needed -literally step between them, doing my best not to touch the other child at all. I do this only if the other parent is not doing this or is talking to the child but the child is putting mine in danger of physical harm (if no real harm can occur I let the other parent handle it). I would stay out of this as much as possible -sounds like one child is overly aggressive but the "overprotective" mother -well that's just a subjective opinion and overprotective doesn't result in harm to the other child the way violence/aggression can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine_3 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 So is it an issue or not?.... In your initial post you said it was hitting and unprovoked, and now your saying it's normal toddler behavior - fighting over toys and such. Not trying to be snooty but which one is it? Both. In my experience, mild unprovoked aggression is very normal at this age. Not every child does this (mine certainly never did past the age of 1.5) but very common. I guess what I'm saying is that I can see both sides. And I'm wondering how involved other moms would get. I'm trying to stay very neutral but I wonder whether others would speak truth? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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