Brokenheart99 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 So it's been roughly 8-9 months since my split with my last ex and about 5-6 months nc. Anyway, the other day my friend told me about a guy friend of hers who she wants to set me up with. Seemingly nice guy, decent looking etc. All he did today was text me how's it going and it doesn't seem like he even wants something too serious, but I can't help but still feel overwhelmed and a part of me wants something to be wrong with him so it doesn't work out. Or I seem to be interested in emotionally unavailable guys because maybe deep down I know it won't work? I felt this same feeling of overwhelmingness earlier in my break up, which I attributed to maybe not being ready to date yet. But so far out in the break up, I can't help but wonder if I'm always going to feel this way. I never feel the spark anymore or even seem interested in anyone anymore. I like the idea of being happy with someone and for a few days I'll be excited to meet someone new but after that I'll just go back to being over it. Could it just be that my last break up was so damaging that I feel unable to form connections with someone? Or maybe now that I'm 30, I have just gotten so comfortable being single and happy that I no longer need someone else? I can't shake this overwhelmed feeling. It's almost like I see the text, I get crazy overwhelmed, panic some, force myself to calm down and answer it and go with the flow. Is this normal? Has anyone experienced this or something similar? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 It's scary when a panic reaction seems to have no real trigger. Here is what I would do. Limit the texting to setting up a time to meet -make it a casual meeting -no big deal fancy dinner -and- meet the guy. Do all the self-talk you need to do to show up, look nice and be nice to this person. No need to try to force yourself to like him -just promise yourself that you'll make the conversation as pleasant as possible for that short first meeting and promise yourself that if you're not having a good time after about an hour or so you give yourself permission to tell a white lie excuse and leave. I hope that helps. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I can't help but still feel overwhelmed and a part of me wants something to be wrong with him so it doesn't work out. There is something wrong. But it's with you and not him (at least from what we know). You are not ready to date. I would immediately stop talking to this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ironman73 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I think that you need to go on some practice dates first. This guy may be a good one and you don't want to waste his or your time. Practice dates get you used to talking to people and opening up. Don't expect anything from them. But dating is a practice too. I hate it, but I am working it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 I don't feel like I'll be unpleasant or won't be able to open up to someone. I guess it's a question of wanting it? Like Somewhere inside, I feel like I get overwhelmed by it all and I just want it to be over. But it's kinda like maybe I have to force myself to keep seeing someone before I can start liking them? I'm not sure I'm explaining this correctly. Like it's kinda like even with my previous ex who I fell in love with hard, even in the beginning, there would be many times I just couldn't stand being around him and I didn't care what happened, I started hating him in that moment and wanted space and just had to be away from him for a few hours or days or something. And then after a while of dating, that stopped happening. But my last ex was pretty understanding and was patient with my "darkness"(for lack of a better term). I'm not sure other guys will be as such? Am I seriously messed up or does this happen to others? And why, what could this be? Ms Darcy- I'm not sure that I'm not ready yet, because I think in some ways maybe this is just how I am. I'm hesitant about anything drastically new until I do it. I think, I don't really know, hence I'm asking. But, It's been 8 months after all, at some point I need to get back out there, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 It is better to wait for as long as you need before dating instead of dating and feeling overwhelmed and hoping things do not work out. That is not what you are and you need to stop seeing yourself with this negative light. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 If you feel you can show up, look nice and be nice I would go. I wouldn't go on more than 2 dates if you're really not into it but at least meet the person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Ahhh! So much mixed advice, I'm confused Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jak3 Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Your gut says what? Listen to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovingtheextra Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I would say do whatever it is that you feel. If you are confused choose either. Once you have made the decision you will soon realize whether you feel like you made the right decision or the wrong one. The whole point of a coin toss is to figure out what you want and the truth is majority of the times you have already made up your mind before the coin lands. I would say just do either and see how the results affect you. Learn from the results when you deal with a similar situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 I would say do whatever it is that you feel. If you are confused choose either. Once you have made the decision you will soon realize whether you feel like you made the right decision or the wrong one. The whole point of a coin toss is to figure out what you want and the truth is majority of the times you have already made up your mind before the coin lands. I would say just do either and see how the results affect you. Learn from the results when you deal with a similar situation. This is such great advice, very well said. I guess you're right, all I can do is do something and learn from my mistakes. My gut tells me to go ahead and meet him up even though I'm fearful and a bit overwhelmed. Thank you for helping me see this and for all those that replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quirky Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 even with my previous ex who I fell in love with hard, even in the beginning, there would be many times I just couldn't stand being around him and I didn't care what happened, I started hating him in that moment and wanted space and just had to be away from him for a few hours or days or something. And then after a while of dating, that stopped happening. But my last ex was pretty understanding and was patient with my "darkness"(for lack of a better term). I'm not sure other guys will be as such? Am I seriously messed up or does this happen to others? And why, what could this be? Just wanted to say this happens to me too. Not that this helps things but at least you're not alone! I used to be worse and the way it's better today is I take more time with getting to know/meeting someone. Then I don't get so overwhelmed. Until around date 5 that is when I have to decide whether I want to continue seeing someone. That's when I get really nervous and am more likely to call the whole thing off. Often in past relationships I felt I was 'convinced' to go out with them..if that makes sense. As in they would keep showing interest and eventually I'd get used to them. For me this happens for a few reasons. In the past I didn't trust myself to make the right decision, a good choice. So I would waiver from back to forth a lot. I found t really hard to know what I want and claim it. Because also deep down on some level I didn't feel I deserved the love. Also, even if I DID get what I wanted I would worry about losing it or be overwhelmed by the joy of finding a companion. Somewhat melodramatic one would say. But it brings me to the biggest issue underlying that behavior in myself, maybe in you too. Abandonment issues. The fear of abandonment and betrayal was so prominent I would often date someone that felt safe and wouldn't leave me despite how I felt about him, despite whether I thought at the start oh, this guy is great. Plus perfectionism made me see myself and others as never adequate enough. Does this touch a cord at all with your own feelings? How do you deal with change overall? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 Its so nice to hear that someone else experiences the same issues honestly, I kinda felt alone in this because it seemed like people got over their break up and moved on to happier relationships. Usually by the third time I've seen my date and especially if they start liking me, I get very overwhelmed and I feel the need to just get away and be out of the situation. Usually since guys chase in the beginning, I'm not into them yet and then as I start to fall for them and like them and I'm finally not afraid of the intimacy/contact, they lose interest. It's a huge insecurity for me, be it with friends or boyfriends. Maybe you are right about the whole abandonment thing because people have always just walked away after 1-3 years with me. But I guess I just never correlated that to why I'm so afraid and overwhelmed in the beginning of meeting someone? I guess I'm still not sure...? How did you correct your fear of abandonment? Honestly, I always thought I was pretty decent with change, as I love trying new things and being spontaneous, but lately I've realized how much I don't like change and I'm so afraid of it. I've stayed in a crappy job somewhat bc of my fear of change and everytime my ex would get a new job or move or even get new friends, I always hated it in a way. I'm not sure why. Lol when did I become such an old fart??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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