Guyver Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 So you got dumped? Sucks hard, doesn't it? Four months ago getting dumped made me go banana's, and turned me into a sad, pathetic, miserable chump. At least.. that's how i see it now when i look back. Four months ago i saw myself as a powerless victim, desperate to find SOME way to get my ex girlfriend back. And i did find ways that would help me do that! Everybody that gets dumped seems to end up reading into no-contact and finding some peace in it, as it gives hope. I was still somewhat in that state of mind a week ago. But this weekend, the lights blinked on, and i realized what the f*ck had happened. I woke up.. it was kind of weird and unexpected, but do i feel great now! And.. so wil you!! definitely!! I'm not going to tell you the story of how i lost the girl. Simply because it doesn't matter. And you probably will look for comparisons or signs that will tell you something about YOUR situation. To give you HOPE. You know you do! I have been doing the same thing for the past four months, because somewhere between the lines, there might have been something that would raise HOPE and reduce the anxiety that comes with the horrible feeling of maybe never getting her back. I'm saying this wrong.. I was looking for an excuse not to move on, and not to have to let go of HOPE. I needed confirmations my HOPE was justified and realistic. Chances are.. you are doing this too. HOPE is kind of your enemy now, i guess. The longer you hold onto it, the slower the process of healing will be. I assume you know about No-Contact.. it really, really, really is about you. It's a tool for healing, and bettering your own life. Maybe your ex will look at you differently when you have become an awesome person, maybe she will miss you when she doesn't hear from you and maybe she will have you back. But maybe she will also succumb to begging, pleading and all that we do in the first days after we get dumped. Or maybe she moves on without you. People are all different. Situations are different. We can all help eachother, and share our experiences. But we cannot change eachother. WE need to make OURSELVES happy. We think we lost the key to hapiness when we lose our love. While in fact we get a valuable lesson and a chance to make our hapiness grow exponentially. That's what we want isn't it? To be happy and proud of ourselves. Although, when you're in a "i want her back" state, you don't want to hear it. You can hardly imagine being happy without her. I've been there. I've done that, and if there was one, i would have bought the effing t-shirt. I lost both my jobs as well as my girlfriend last year. The first of january marked the start of a period of emptiness for me. Or so it seemed. December was spent begging, pleading, and making a fool out of myself. I didn't even care losing my second job at the same time. I wanted her back. I read about No-contact, and started to hold on to that. I also had a lot of spare time all of a sudden, and was Lucky to have a little bit of money left in my piggy bank. I started working out three times a week, and stopped drinking on weekdays. I started taking karate lessons to make me feel more confident. I took guitar lessons, because i Always wanted to do that. I also rekindled old friendships and started new ones, and started socializing more. I was growing physically and mentally. Became more muscular and confident, and remembered how happy i could be by myself. I became proud of ME! In the meanwhile, i was still holding onto hope. After a period of no-contact i emailed her again, and she all of a sudden decided we should meet up! HELL YEAH!! This would be my chance to show her she made a mistake, and we would be back together in no time! So we met last week. I was kind of anxious.. i didn't want to mess up this chance! And i didn't. We talked about how we both changed.. She was radiating confidence and hapiness, and i saw again what a godess she was. But i didn't feel it, although that was something that had to sink in during the last week. After the meeting i felt neutral. I guess i didn't know what to feel anymore. I didn't feel the love.. but i still wanted her back.. but.. i.. forgot.. why?! Really.. two days after the meeting i felt like i was back at square one. But square one was a different place somehow. I looked for advise on what to do now, which i got, although all the advices were different and contradicting eachother. I decided i would wait a week before i called her, as someone on this forum advised me to do. That was a great advice!!! I started realizing i had lost her... and that she was acting in front of me when we met. I was kind of drawn back during the meeting, because i was being me. I didn't feel the need to prove myself to her, because i have proven myself to ME! I felt kind of sad for her, as she was pretending to be someone else, and using superficial charm to make me realize what i had lost. But wait a second! That was ALSO how she conquered my heart three years ago.. And how she acted the two years after that.. Why i felt the lack of real connection and intimacy in our relationship. Why she could be hot and cold on and off, never showing her real feelings about stuff. Why we never could have an argument and grow, because she was avoiding, and -insert any annoying behaviour here- . Besides.. she still didn't give my stuff back, despite me asking for it multiple times.. How could she be such a little ******??? Was this the same girl i was so crazy about? Not really.. This was the girl i was in a relationship with. A relationship that gave me a sense of security. One that was filled with lots of joy and fun things we did together. I was more crazy about that sense of security. The girl and me were growing apart for months before our breakup. The dynamics were bad.. even toxic at times. But when she broke up with me.. All those bad things were quickly forgotten and overshadowed by fear of losing the SECURITY. Was this the girl i was so desperatelly wanting back? Most definetaly not! That girl didnt exist. Only the feeling of security i feel in a relationship existed. In order to not have to deal with losing that, i needed HOPE. So i created a better version of her in my mind. I kind of forgot or marginalized all the bad parts of her, and blamed myself big time for messing up. See what i did? I made her HUGE in my mind, and reduced my self image to null. Now it was my job to get her back, so i could feel happy again. When i met her.. it was surreal in a way. There she was.. my ex.. who i want back. But.. she's not really.. huh?! Does that matter? I just want her back.. or not? Last Saturday something happened. While in confusion about why on earth i was wanting her back (i still WANTED to feel that i WANTED! = HOPE), i went out with a friend. In the pub, i ran into a girl i slept with a few years back. I went up to her, and we laughed. We hadn't spoken for a year or so, so she asked me what i was up to these days. I talked about karate, working out, playing the guitar and how fun it was, and about some plans i had for the future. While doing this i fellt a strong feeling of confidence coming up (i realized how much i achieved for myself, and still would in the future). A friend of hers overheard our conversation, and started flirting with me. Half an hour later, another girl i knew came into the pub with a friend. The same thing happened with those girls too.. I was in the market! Because i became awesome and more confident than i ever felt. It must show.. that feels good!! I even felt some sincere affection with one of them. But.. doesn't that mean i stopped HOPING? Or was starting to do so? Yup... I realized the most important lesson i might have learned ever. I don't NEED my ex, or any girl specifically!! Unless i can make myself happy, and get the best out of being me, i don't WANT anybody either (notice the difference between wanting and needing). When i rock MY life, i will find somebody to rock with TOGETHER, while we both rock our own lives as well. When we are awesome (again) and healed after a breakup, we will attract new people. If that doesn't work out, we will heal again and try again with someone better. We grow and we grow, and we become more happy along the way. I will NEVER put somebody on my pedestal. Next time i get dumped (knock on wood-it's not fun), i will put my HOPE in reaching a point where i am a bigger and better person i was at the end of the relationship. NOT into a girl that only exists in your mind, and is in fact composed of your own fears and anxiety. This what we tend to do with our dumpers, i believe now. So to close this off, i would like to share what made me reach this point. I will leave out the pathetic parts that occurred between the steps Those are not good! -Go no-contact. But just that.. Try to really forget wanting her back! Very important!!! -Start up new hobbies!!!!!! Work out!! Meet new people and have fun! -Read into attachement theory!!! (surprises me this is hardly mentioned anywhere). Learn about what attachement is! -Put yourself around people of the opposite sex. Just enjoy the interaction. (be cautious for the rebound-stuff! Bad idea!) -HEAL! And then, if you still feel like it.. meet up with her. See what it makes you feel like. If you did well letting go of wanting her back, it's safe! But i think only when you have really moved on for at least a big part, and after a minimum of 2,5/3 months of no-contact. -Decide if you still want her back. And if so, WHY? If you don't.. Just go and be awesome! Well.. this is my story. Hope it might help somebody one day. Just remember.. after getting dumped, we get CUCKOOOOOOOO! But it WILL get better. Even.. no.. probably without our ex, if we opt for the maximum growth in ourselves! There's light at the end of the tunnel! ALWAYS!! And after a few months, or maybe, if we're Lucky and strong, a few weeks, you will automatically start to see it again. With or without her. The trick is to hold on to this vision once we're in a relationship, i guess! We tend to doze off, once we have the addictive security of a relationship again! Link to comment
LonelyLoner Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 I really enjoyed reading this man. I hope I can get to that point soon. Link to comment
professorplum Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Yes me too. You sound in a much better place than when I commented on your thread last week about whether or not you should try to meet up again. I am guessing from reading this that you don't intend to see the ex again. You are oozing strength and confidence; I hope it lasts. Well done for taking control and seizing the initiative. Link to comment
Guyver Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Thank YOU, Prof I was so confused when i posted it. I was used to wanting her back, and hoping, that i didn't even see i moved past it. If it wasn't for those few replies that adressed the part of me that didn't want to see that, i might not have taken the necessary time (sigh.. just a few days that it took to realize what had happened! Link to comment
Beduldac Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 I also decided No Contact was the only way to go. I am still depressed. She left me for another man even before we broke up. I am starting to see her like a used car, even though I love her she is someone elses' problem now. Link to comment
Kaytie Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Awesome post. The attachment piece is HUGE. My friend recommended that I read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson and it talks about attachment/separateness and the very real psychobiological experience of grief. It's superb and I can see myself in every aspect of that book. Plus, it provides real ways to heal. Thanks for your post - so glad you are doing well. Link to comment
Guyver Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 I also decided No Contact was the only way to go. I am still depressed. She left me for another man even before we broke up. I am starting to see her like a used car, even though I love her she is someone elses' problem now. Way to Go!!!!! Link to comment
erklat Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 I hope I will feel the same clarity I feel now in the days to come. Thanks for this inspiring post. You said to me something I new in a way my broken heart could comprehend. I wish you luck! Link to comment
Guyver Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Awesome post. The attachment piece is HUGE. My friend recommended that I read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson and it talks about attachment/separateness and the very real psychobiological experience of grief. It's superb and I can see myself in every aspect of that book. Plus, it provides real ways to heal. Thanks for your post - so glad you are doing well. Thanks Kaytie! Awesome to hear you have been finding out stuff about attachment as well. I read somewhere (i think it was Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense), that therapists often joke that everybody should have their attachement style figured out, and mentioned in their ID's. It's such as an important thing to understand how you (or your potential future partner) is fitting into a relationship dynamic. We all behave and react according to what we have learned from experiences.. the only way to gain insight in some of our limiting behaviours is to be able to identify them first. Link to comment
Guyver Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 I hope I will feel the same clarity I feel now in the days to come. ! You will! It's okay, and very normal to feel like a mess after breaking up. But you WILL feel better, stronger and happier.. cool thing is, once you're there, you have overcome so much misery, that it will make you experience those feelings even stronger. Enjoy it when you get there Link to comment
lavitabella Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 i loved this, great post. i am so happy you've found inner happiness. i can't wait til i am at this stage, its been 3 months post BU for me. Link to comment
doicare Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 yeah, super well said. This is always what I recommend too. Take time for yourself and your happiness. After 3-4 months see how you feel and meet up with your ex. Most people think NC is a way to get them back, it's not. But it's a good way to give yourself a time out for you - to remove yourself from a toxic situation. And yes, it's also a good way to get some distance and perspective and possibly a way to reset everything (for both people) - but it's not the point. After a couple months, I was feeling perfectly fine and my ex contacted me to meet up and our meeting went super well. We had an amazing time over the week she was here, but she is still confused as ever. I never 100% blamed my actions for the breakup, as she was flip flopping all the time and our meeting was simply an extension of what I experienced for almost 4 years. It gets exhausting when your gf is telling you she doesnt know how she feels. so meeting up just brought all those tiring emotions back (and they were still being sent my way) and I was totally unaffected. Im done with feeling half loved - you're either in or you're out. Yeah there were things I knew I could improve and Ive worked on them since. I feel like a way better, more patient and understanding guy as a result. I also dont feel like a guy who deserves 50% of affection that I was getting. I love myself, and I loved her, but after sinking nearly 4 years into a black hole with little tidbits being thrown back my way, Ive come to realize I deserve better. In the meantime Im meeting and dating all kinds of great girls. Confidence is at an all time high. I just met one about a week ago, she's fantastic! We had a date on Friday and she's simply a kind, smart and attractive girl. Couldnt ask for more! What will happen with my ex, im not sure, but honestly my feelings are nowhere close to what they used to be. Thanks for sharing your story! Link to comment
Guyver Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Hooray Doicare! Welcome back from the dark side Link to comment
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