Trusting my gut is harder than I thought

[BritterSweet]

Not sure where is the best place to start this thread, but here goes.

 

Earlier today I had a really uncomfortable first date. It was with a guy who I've known for a long time and even liked 6 years ago. He contacted me after finding out (presumably from my mom telling his mom) that I was back from Montana, and asked to hang out. I thought, why not? I was no longer actively into him, but what if the attraction were to come back? And it's just one casual meetup. If it doesn't work out, we could still be friends. It'll be great.

 

Or so I thought.

 

Right from the start, he was constantly touching me. Whether it was by his arm pressing against mine, holding my hand (remember, this is only the first date) or practically leaning on me when we sat down for ice cream. We were sitting side by side on a bench, and the purse I put between us to act as a barrier was squished. In the theater, he was either taking up one and half seats (unlikely, as he's not that wide) or deliberately pressing against me. Seriously, I was sitting right on the metal area between two seats because he was too close! And even then, I could feel his weight on me all throughout the movie. He kissed me on the cheek multiple times. I froze up and didn't respond. When he asked me afterward if I wanted him to kiss me, I didn't answer. Just went back to staring at the screen.

 

After the movie, I was still making friendly conversation with him. While we were waiting at the restaurant counter for the food he ordered, he wrapped his arm around me. I didn't want to eat with him so all I got for myself was a can of juice. When he briefly left to put away the tray, I contemplated pretending to get an emergency text to get out of there. I talked to him until he finished eating, and called it a night even though it was still pretty early. The goodbye hug went on longer than I wanted it to (he didn't let go until long after I did).

 

It's only now that it's over that I'm thinking of how I should have said no. I should have asked him to back up a bit. I should have pushed him away. I shouldn't have kept talking to him as if nothing was wrong. I should have faked that emergency text. But I was too afraid of being rude. I would think that if I scooted away from him too obviously, he would get the impression that I'm repulsed by him. I didn't feel like I had the right to say no, even when my boundaries were breached.

 

Despite my beliefs that you can have your own boundaries and you absolutely have the right to enforce them, when I actually was in that situation, the habit of going along to get along still got me! And unless I break that habit, that will not be the last awkward date I have.

[Ayanokōji]

If you don't like him then say no... I know that some girls have difficulty saying no in a upfront confrontation due to the sheer size of the guy but after that one date you never need to agree to another one so problem solved =)

[missmarple]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes, even the bravest of us, freeze and don't know how to react. I'm the last person who'd let anyone cross my boundaries (there are many men to testify to that fact ) but there have been a couple of cases when I later thought 'damn! I should have told him to stop holding my hand or pulled away'..one of which was also a guy whose mum knew my mum.

Unless it's a permanent issue with you, in which case, yes, you need to break the habit, I wouldn't worry about it. Oh, and I hope you won't accept a second date with this guy!

[catfeeder]

You don't need to beat yourself up about this, it's just a lesson learned not to position yourself badly again. For instance, instead of committing to a full date with any stranger, ask to meet for a quick coffee where you can check one another out. Make a rule that neither of you will decide on the spot whether to go on a full date, but if either of you are interested you can connect again to schedule a real date.

 

This will cut any painfully awful meetings to a fraction of the time you'd otherwise spend trying to get out of bad company--and it puts your boundaries in place up front.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

[ParisPaulette]

But I was too afraid of being rude. I would think that if I scooted away from him too obviously, he would get the impression that I'm repulsed by him. I didn't feel like I had the right to say no, even when my boundaries were breached.

 

This is something you are going to have to get over. I've had this happen, I've seen it happen over and over, this mandate to "be nice" no matter what the circumstances, no matter how much our instincts and our guts are screaming at us to just get out. This is one of those things where practicing saying no or role playing with a friend or therapist can help. You have to learn to say no and you have to drill it sometimes overcome the impulse to always "be nice."

 

Someone to violates your boundaries will always take your not saying anything as a quiet tacit consent that what they are doing is fine. You stayed and talked to him in his mind equals "She digs me, she likes it." So you have to learn to and drill by yourself telling someone lightly, "Hey, it's getting crowded here, please scoot that way okay?" Then if they get defensive, ignore you or worse get aggressive you stand up and walk away and get out as fast as you can.

 

You have to learn there's a huge difference between being nice and being a doormat or worse, a victim. Yes, bad guys and gals count on the fact that many people will be too "nice" to tell them no until they've manipulated them into a very bad situation. Go get assertiveness training, drill saying no and back-off in a firm manner. You don't have to be mean, just straight with them when you tell them to stop touching you. Standing up for yourself is not being mean, it's called listening to and valuing yourself and your own safety and body more than pleasing someone else. Always listen to yourself always when you feel uncomfortable.

 

And don't go out with this guy again, just lose his number and block and delete him already. Stop worrying if he thinks you're "nice" or not. He could care less about all that, he just wants to get laid.

[itsallgrand]

And if you were to be rude...what is it you are afraid would happen? That is worse to you than having someones hands on you that you don't want there? And putting yourself at risk?

 

I had the opposite issue in my early twenties. I could be too tactless, and confrontational without needing to be (aggressive). Never had a problem saying what I wanted to say, or telling someone no. Had trouble saying and doing it in a way that minimized escalating the situation into something unnecessarily confrontational.

 

I'm not suggesting you become aggressive - assertive is the sweet spot. Because being aggressive can put ones safety at risk as well (in different ways).

 

I have found that being assertive has a lot to do with a willingness to be honest moment to moment - with oneself and with others. So the very first moment he made you uncomfortable, that is when to say something. Otherwise, you are essentially bulling other people. And expecting them to mind read. Which they can't.

 

So. Just be honest. And you should have a lot easier time of doing it in a tactful way than I (which I have needed practice with).

[BritterSweet]

The assertiveness training and drilling sounds like a good idea. It's easy for me to tell someone else not to feel pressured because it's clear to me what is the best choice when I'm looking at it from a distance. And the importance of assertiveness is something I already knew. The hard part is programming yourself to act in the moment.