Brokenheart99 Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 For the most part I've been doing alright, it's been close to 8 months since we split, and 5 months of no contact. I wouldn't say I'm in pain anymore, but I'm not entirely happy yet either. Like I feel alright and I have a decent time but I'm not happy entirely like I was when I was with my ex. I guess I miss how happy I was with him. Sometimes I wish I could be friends with him again or something. Maybe it's just because I haven't found someone else I can be as happy with or what? I know he wasn't great for me and maybe this is me idealizing him in some way. I don't know, I just wonder what it is about me that keeps me so hooked to him even though I know I can do better and he's not all that great. I feel stuck. I just woke up in a real weird place today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lucasky Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 It's been close to 8 months for me, too! Not much no-contact, sadly... mostly because I'm dumb. I still have painful days, but the pain is largely associated with what you're describing - he wasn't that great, I'm glad it's over, but I miss the good times we shared. Still mourning that loss, I suppose. Definitely finding myself in a funk too and mad at myself for it... but I'll move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Share Posted March 16, 2014 I guess there was nothing special about him except that he was fun and cute(at least I can say that now, no rose colored glasses), but I've dated fun and cute before. But from the start, I was hooker to him..bad. And sill feel like I am, almost like I'm stuck. I just wonder why? Like what deep emotional childhood wound am I harboring that keeps me into him and why I can't like anyone else like that again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Share Posted March 16, 2014 It's been close to 8 months for me, too! Not much no-contact, sadly... mostly because I'm dumb. I still have painful days, but the pain is largely associated with what you're describing - he wasn't that great, I'm glad it's over, but I miss the good times we shared. Still mourning that loss, I suppose. Definitely finding myself in a funk too and mad at myself for it... but I'll move on. I'm glad to hear about your progress, I just wish I could sometimes never have the experience, bc then I wouldn't know. I wish I knew why I fell so hard and why i still harbor it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nbreau Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 I guess there was nothing special about him except that he was fun and cute(at least I can say that now, no rose colored glasses), but I've dated fun and cute before. But from the start, I was hooker to him..bad. And sill feel like I am, almost like I'm stuck. I just wonder why? Like what deep emotional childhood wound am I harboring that keeps me into him and why I can't like anyone else like that again? I think you're on to something with this ... ask yourself what feeling comes up when you think of loosing him, or if he was gone forever what is the absolute worst case that could happen ? What feeling or emotion does this bring up and in what way does it correlate to your childhood experiences ? Did he make you feel some kind of emotion that maybe you lacked as a child ? Often our partners are a reflection of what we were lacking from our parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Share Posted March 16, 2014 I think you're on to something with this ... ask yourself what feeling comes up when you think of loosing him, or if he was gone forever what is the absolute worst case that could happen ? What feeling or emotion does this bring up and in what way does it correlate to your childhood experiences ? Did he make you feel some kind of emotion that maybe you lacked as a child ? Often our partners are a reflection of what we were lacking from our parents. I guess I have lost him forever at this point, we don't talk and he's with someone else. In the beginning it was just terrible pain and I could barely think about not having him in my life. Now I guess I just feel like I'm not unhappy and not hurting but I'm not happy entirely either. I guess if I thought of what feeling comes up it would be sadness? I miss how I felt with him and how he made me feel. I fear that i won't ever feel that way with someone else, because I never have? I have never felt that way with someone like I did with him. I never wanted to be with someone as much as I did with him. I didn't have a bad childhood? Parents loved me, raised me well etc, I'm sure I had some small things, lack of attention, disapproval etc. But nothing terribly traumatic, so idk I guess I just don't understand why I'm still holding onto this?? =\ it's been a bad day today Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nbreau Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 Situations don't often need to be heavily traumatic in order to having a lasting impact ... for example I've seen someone who created a belief at the age of 5 based on an incident at kindergarden (a girl in his class protected him or stood up for him) resulting in him deciding "no other woman could ever match up to this girl" having a lasting impact where he could never connect with women in relationships right up into his 30's. He was unaware of the incident until it came back after some personal work. A big part in having a successful relationship is doing our own work to develop our own inner happiness without outside dependencies such as a specific amount of money or a relationship ... Many people have the "I'll be happy when.... " syndrome when the reality is that everyone has the capacity to be happy now. It's when we learn to happy at an individual level and attract someone in this equal state that a relationship can truly blossom. Continue to work on yourself, maybe look into way to release the sadness (I suggest learning EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique) and not worry too much about being in a relationship but about making yourself happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Share Posted March 16, 2014 Your advice is solid and I do appreciate it and I don't feel like I'm unhappy entirely but I'm happier with someone I'm in love with, you know? Like I like being in love and being that happy and having someone to share these things with and give my love to. Being in love is a great feeling. Perhaps before I used to feel like I needed someone to validate me and make me happy but since ive been single for the past 8 months, I've learned to be "happy" on my own. That being said, I still like being in love and want to share my life with someone. I guess I just don't get why I'm still holding on to my ex? Like, I was so happy being with him, I have never felt that way with someone before and those feelings are hard to shake. Maybe you're onto something with the fact that I cannot connect with someone anymore because no one compares to what I had with my ex anymore. I might like a guy or the idea of him for a few days and entertain it but then I start panicking and backing out. Like I've lost the ability to connect with someone or even want to. Sorry to air my dirty laundry, I would pm if I could. Appreciate the advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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