Journey to healing and better myself

[Silverbirch]

I distinctly recall reading at ENA when I first came here that at around 3 months, a lot of people go through a phase in their recovery of feeling very emotional, but it passes. it did happen with me. I cried every day for z4 months, and then I started improving a lot.

[jenbrooks]

Miss Elevator Guy - Little communication still - Is this still normal?

I think I have this feeling of lust for him. It's so strong. I miss him, want to be held by him, and literally want to see him every day. I wonder if he feels the same as I do.

 

These are emotions - I can't act on my emotions. It's not what I should and would do, however they are really strong emotions, and it's sort of making me losing some focus.

 

I'm trying to really hard to focus at work, get things done, and move forward with my life while waiting for our date on Sunday.

 

It's the feelings that you can't do anything but think about getting together.

 

I must purely focus on my work, my life, this is what makes sense. It's proven that if you just wait for someone, they will never come to you. Disasters only surface.

 

Ok. Determined to get some documentation done at work today, and then go pick up the keys for new house. After that, either come home and visit my family or stay in town and pack up.

 

I wonder why he has not contacted me since Wednesday after he scheduled for our Sunday date. Shouldn't he be texting me throughout the day if he's interested? That's what my ex did, or isn't that what every guy who is interested in you would do after the first date? Text you like crazy throughout the day everyday until the next date?

[calichick007]

You are majorly, majorly, majorly obsessing. Majorly. Are you always like this when meeting someone new??

[Batya33]

It's the reaction to your feelings that count. You run a real risk of sabotaging this by allowing yourself to react this way. It's very hard to act in a natural way if you're this attached this soon. Your attachment has almost nothing to do with him as a person-it's about you and your feelings.

[jenbrooks]

You are majorly, majorly, majorly obsessing. Majorly. Are you always like this when meeting someone new??

 

Not at all. Only the ones that I feel really attracted to. The other dates, I don't even talk about them.

[jenbrooks]

It's the reaction to your feelings that count. You run a real risk of sabotaging this by allowing yourself to react this way. It's very hard to act in a natural way if you're this attached this soon. Your attachment has almost nothing to do with him as a person-it's about you and your feelings.

 

I wish there is a way for me to feel unattached this soon. If this is the case then I am relatively sure it won't work. At some point, I'll have to figure out how to resolve these emotions of mine.

[Batya33]

I wish there is a way for me to feel unattached this soon. If this is the case then I am relatively sure it won't work. At some point, I'll have to figure out how to resolve these emotions of mine.

 

There's no reason to feel anything or control your feelings. Simply your reactions to your feelings -if you feel yourself obsessing about your image of him in any way or focusing too much then make the choice to do distracting things -call a friend but don't talk about him, work out, watch something distracting on TV, etc.

[Kaytie]

I think talking to your therapist about cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) would be a good start. If your therapist understands CBT, s/he can help you manage - and change - that thought process. In the meantime, I would do what Batya is suggesting and distract yourself and try and stop those obsessive thoughts by doing something else that is completely unrelated. Since you are in therapy, I would bring this up as something to work on because it will drive you crazy and is not good for your overall mental health.

[jenbrooks]

Quiet Friday - Multiple things happened

 

Didn't get much work done today. I went self destruction by getting curious about what the ex is up to. I looked at his online status at work, turned out he's on vacation, and I got more curious, I used a fake facebook account, and viewed his profile. He had a new profile picture, looking kind of dumb, made me want him less. He also got promoted. All of the sudden, I started to feel like crap. I guess I'm not completely over him. All of this curiosity is because I feel like I'm so lonely, my love life is failing on me, I also bumped into my ex's friends at the restaurant yesterday. This created curiosity about his life.

 

I went and picked up my keys to my new house, turned out, the seller did not clean up the place yet, so I cannot move anything in. I sent an email. The house looks dusty.

 

I am unable to understand why today is so crappy. I was going to drive to see my parents, but the whole day has been a downer. I just want to sit here with my laptop and started typing, and type some more until my mind is all cleared up.

 

How much longer will I have to be single? How much longer do I have to be in therapy? How much longer do I have to be on ENA? Does it have to be this pathetic?

 

I went and obsessed about a guy that barely shows strong interest in me like my ex. My therapist said that if he does then it's a red flag. It's not normal for someone to pursue very fast like ex during the first few dates. If the Elevator guy does that then I should be more worried. Apparently, I need to work on myself, learn to be more emotionally independent.

 

I feel like my life will also have to be this single because I don't know how to emotionally be dependent. I also seek for that someone to take me away, give me everything, even just on the 2nd date. I have this expectation that the elevator guy would consume me like crazy by now. Looks like it's not supposed to be like that, my therapist said in order to get to know someone requires time and balanced of togetherness and separation. Spending too much time together doesn't guarantee that you know the person better or more.

 

Sigh...I need to start packing. What a Friday night, kind of failed. Actually I was supposed to be on a date tonight, but I cancelled because I didn't feel like meeting up with this guy as my obsession took over. I feel such a retard. Well, I went on two dates this week already with the elevator guy. I should take a break.

 

I'm not going to out, get drunk, sleep with a bunch of dudes. That's not what I want. That's not what I am going to do, because that's simply self destruction. I'd rather stay home, listen to some music, understand why I have such nasty obsession of the Elevator guy, and e-stalking my ex like crazy today.

 

Work also isn't very interesting. My boss has been giving me pretty boring work, and all the cool work, he reserves it for someone else. I feel so pathetic. How can the elevator guy adore me if I don't have my together?

 

Dating is fun, but I become so obsessive and it's consuming me.

 

I really don't know how to resolve this issue of mine. I guess I can either continue to search for someone like my ex, pursue me like crazy so I don't have to worry about distance, why he's not calling, etc. But then that will just fail.

 

I have no freaking clue. Maybe my life is stuck. Maybe I will find some guy, but get a divorce later on, turn into a cat lady.

 

I might as well just die alone.

[Batya33]

I understand that you're feeling dramatic/melodramatic -it's ok to have a pity party especially if you can confine your pity party to a certain amount of time each day -like 10 minutes -show yourself that you're good at controlling your reaction to "poor me" and that way you can vent for that time period and then have a boundary where the venting stops and the living your life returns.

I mostly agree with your therapist. I think for you the moving fast in the beginning is not healthy because you're not able to keep your feet on the ground while your head is in the clouds -you just go entirely in the clouds.

 

I don't think it was considerate of you to cancel the first meet but I think the silver lining is that when that happens to you -when you've set aside time on a weekend to meet someone and you get cancelled on last minute with a made-up excuse you'll simply have to remember that you did the same thing to someone else (I was the recipient of those cancellations or flakiness a number of times when I met men through dating sites and since I was so incredibly busy at work and trying to have a social life it often was really inconvenient/frustrating when that happened).

 

What I would do - go on the date with Elevator Guy, after you're done with your daily or every other day pity party then find another time during the day to think of at least three things -big or small -that are going well - and don't make plans to meet anyone new unless you honestly believe that you will follow through and go on the date unless there's an emergency or you have a bad cold, etc.

[jenbrooks]

I agreed to everything that you said. However, it is quite weird that the Elevator Guy has not contacted me since Wednesday, and our date is tomorrow, don't you think?

 

Shouldn't there be communication in between before the date?

 

Anyway, I thought it's kind of weird for it to be that silent so I sent him a text asking "Hey Elevator, I just got home from the baby shower, what were you thinking about doing tomorrow?

 

He is always home it seems like, he's not a night out person, every time I go home I always see his car. I also found out that he read my blogs, which has not been updated for two years. My blog may have pushed him away and don't want to be close since I wrote a lot of entries about my life...

 

Today, he also visited my profile on okcupid. I'm not sure what's wrong with this guy.

[Batya33]

Nothing is wrong. He made a plan with you and he only needs to call if he needs to change the plan or to confirm the time if he didn't confirm the exact time. I wouldn't have sent him the text as long as there was a specific time/place plan. He is living his life (as you should be doing) and doesn't want to come on too strong most likely (but even that is pure speculation). I think it's odd that you're checking to see if his car is there.

 

I think you should make your blog private if you are out there trying to meet new people. Let people get to know you at a reasonable pace, over time and in any event how you felt in the past about whatever might change. No need to over-share via a personal blog.

[jenbrooks]

Nothing is wrong. He made a plan with you and he only needs to call if he needs to change the plan or to confirm the time if he didn't confirm the exact time. I wouldn't have sent him the text as long as there was a specific time/place plan. He is living his life (as you should be doing) and doesn't want to come on too strong most likely (but even that is pure speculation). I think it's odd that you're checking to see if his car is there.

 

I think you should make your blog private if you are out there trying to meet new people. Let people get to know you at a reasonable pace, over time and in any event how you felt in the past about whatever might change. No need to over-share via a personal blog.

 

I felt like I might be focusing too much on him instead of me. I start analyzing everything about this guy, about his text messages that we had last night, etc. He offered to take some photographs of me today after mass. He started asking a lot of questions about me. As in I couldn't answer them fast enough.

 

about the blog, I didn't expose it, I think he googled for my name. I think he might have found my last name from work and searched for me. I am pretty sure the up address that was logged was him.

 

I have quite an obsession now, and it has nothing to do with him, seriously need to consider talking to a therapist about this.

 

I guess I sent that text last night because I was unsure where to meet. I told him to text me after mass, yet I still asked him again. That shows some obsession.

 

seeing his car being parked close to mine gives me an indication that he is home. If we were dating, and break up, I would stalk him like crazy. I am so happy about my moving.

 

do you have any books for recommendation?

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way but very happy to see that you realize it's about you not him. I hope someone else can recommend good books to read - usually I am good at that but I really don't, I'm sorry!! I do hope you have fun on your date tonight.

[jenbrooks]

Elevator Guy - I feel kind of cautious right now

The other dates are going ok. They all seem interested and slowly moving forward. However, I don't have strong attraction for these people. My third date with the elevator very well. I learned many things about him.

 

We went to the museum, he showed me around, took some pictures of me using his camera. Here are things that I learned about him, which makes me worried that this is not going to work.

 

1. He eats the same food everyday. He only cooks his own food due to some stomach problems. I eat out, eat many different things, and enjoy various types of food.

 

2. He likes his apartment cold, and I like my apartment warm. He gets sick when it's too warm. He gets diarrhea...

 

3. He cannot eat soup, and I cook soup a lot, how is this going to work?

 

4. He can only eat chicken

 

5. He washes his hands all the time. Before I touched something in the kitchen after we got back to his place for dinner, he asked me to wash my hands as well.

 

6. He doesn't like driving much

 

7. He doesn't like to go camping, mainly because it's too hot or he cannot get access to his food.

 

8. When I get cold in his apartment, he gives me a blanket, and when I leave, he folds the blanket, and puts it back into the plastic bag.

 

9. He also keeps in his blinds closed all the time, avoid sunlight because it will make the apartment warm. I love keeping my blinds open.

 

 

I have a feeling this guy is sort of like Monk (the movie)

 

Other than that, he's been really nice, sweet, and has not tried to do anything, he put his arm around my shoulder sometimes when we walk. When we were watching a movie, he didn't attempt anything. I gave him a hug before I left and thanked him for cooking dinner after I got home.

 

Are these serious issues that I should consider early on? Or these issues can be resolved when two people love each other or committed? I mean should I slowly break away from him because of these issues?

[Batya33]

Only you can answer this for yourself - if food and cooking is important to you as far as needing to do those things together then it might be a dealbreaker. He sounds like he might have a touch of OCD (although I think it's fine to ask someone coming in from outside to wash her hands before handling kitchen utensils or food) and might be overly focused on a fear of getting sick so he chooses to restrict his activities accordingly.

 

As far as the temperature thing - that's what cuddly throws are for, for example.

[jenbrooks]

Elevator guy - he's nice

 

Our communication has increased. After the third date on Sunday, we started seeing each other more often. We saw each other Tuesday and Wednesday night after work.

 

These last two days have been just coming over, watch a movie and then I would go home. He tried to coke close to me while we watch a movie, but he seems nervous and afraid.

 

Tuesday before I went home, he asked for a good night kiss, I didn't hear and just said good night. I went home realizing what I just did and told him in sorry I didn't hear. Last night he asked again and kissed me on the lips good night, less than a second lol.

 

He seems interested, we both seem interested. But I don't know we are so opposite in personality.

 

he gets sick when its too cold. He doesn't like to open his blinds, I like mine open all the time. He doesn't like the hot weather, I do. He eats the same food everyday and it has to be made by him, he doesn't eat restaurant food.

 

he gets diarrhea when its too hot. I wonder if there any couples like this where the husband is super sanitized and the wife isn't but their relationship still works.

 

we are not anything right now but if this is going to be a huge problem in the future and just cannot work, then I shouldn't keep investing my time. Maybe I need to spend more time and see...

[Batya33]

I think it matters why he is super sanitized -if it is because of a disorder like OCD that's different than just being a little quirky or atypical. Would he not eat your cooking? For me personally that could be a long term problem if this was someone I wanted a child with. But others are fine with it -one of my best friends has the strangest eating habits and her long term boyfriend is fine with it. I do think a big part of a long term relationship is compromise.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hmmm...well...I'm no doctor, but...from what I know of OCD, it sounds like he might suffer from it. If it were JUST the handwashing OR the picky eating OR the temperature, OR keeping the blinds closed, I might not think so, but...he has a lot of limitations/"rules," and I suspect there's a mental health-related reason for it.

 

Proceed with caution. If these things are already worrisome to you, just know that they won't get better once you've known him longer; in fact, they might get worse, and there might be MORE of them to deal with as he gradually gets to know you better and trust you more.

 

For me, all of these things taken together would be too much. I'm a clean person, but I can't abide germophobes. I can compromise to some degree on temperature, but to sit in darkness, never opening the blinds? I couldn't live that way. And, I'd have an extremely rough time with someone SO picky about food, unless it were for real heath reasons (like multiple serious allergies or something). I like to eat, I like variety, and while I don't eat out much, I'd like the option of eating something other than the same 5 foods over and over.

 

If you like him, see how it goes, but as time goes on, you may find that the situation is more serious than it appears now, and at that point, you'll have to decide whether his quirks/eccentricities are things you can deal with.

[jenbrooks]

Elevator - Isn't it supposed to strong and committed right now?

I think we've known each other for half a month now. We met on 4/15/2014, the closest we we've come so far is walking around the park, watching movies, kissing me on the lips good night. That's about it. Shouldn't it be moving a little bit faster? We have been seeing each other about three days a week, text back and forth about everyday. Is this normal?

 

I remember my ex moved quite faster than this, I wonder if what he's doing is normal? But again, he's got so many issues, I don't know if I should even fantasize about being with him anymore...

[Batya33]

I think that two weeks is a very short time even if you're trying to speed things up by spending more time together. I think you should know by mid-July whether there is long term potential. I think he isn't being more physical because of his issues that you described above.

[jenbrooks]

I think that two weeks is a very short time even if you're trying to speed things up by spending more time together. I think you should know by mid-July whether there is long term potential. I think he isn't being more physical because of his issues that you described above.

 

Makes sense. I really wonder how this is actually going to work. I can either call it quits now or watch and see. I do like him, and I do think we can work something out. We go back and forth accommodating each other when it's hot or cold. He would close the door when he sees me shivering, and I would open the door or windows when he starts feeling hot...

 

We can never eat out to restaurants because he only eats food at home, made by him. And he eats the same thing everyday. He's sensitive to loud noise so he doesn't go to the movie theaters. So we'll never be able to see movies together in theaters.

 

Beach vacations are probably never going to happen, and I love the beach.

 

Sigh, every dude has problems.

[Batya33]

I don't think you know much about the level of accommodation after only two weeks of having to accommodate (and you're not seeing each other every day). Do you want children? If so, how would that work as far as his restrictions on temperature/food/noise? Is he ok with a screaming baby? What I might do in a relationship with a person with those issues is choose to live separately (yes, even if married). But again it depends if you see yourself being a mother someday.

[jenbrooks]

I don't think you know much about the level of accommodation after only two weeks of having to accommodate (and you're not seeing each other every day). Do you want children? If so, how would that work as far as his restrictions on temperature/food/noise? Is he ok with a screaming baby? What I might do in a relationship with a person with those issues is choose to live separately (yes, even if married). But again it depends if you see yourself being a mother someday.

 

How do I communicate these long term and future goals with him? I don't know if he wants children, I don't know if he wants to live together, honestly I don't know much about what he wants.

 

I mean I can't be with someone who doesn't want to live together.

[Batya33]

How do I communicate these long term and future goals with him? I don't know if he wants children, I don't know if he wants to live together, honestly I don't know much about what he wants.

 

I mean I can't be with someone who doesn't want to live together.

 

Look -somehow you think that two weeks is enough for a more serious commitment. (I don't but you seem to) -so just have a discussion of general goals with him.