Thor... the God of Blunder

[Thorshammer]

My Journal... I never finish these, they always lie forgotten, discarded, written with nonsense and tagged with all sorts of complications and hypercritical nonsense...

 

Who would want to read a journal of a guy who lost his virginity late, was heartbroken more than loved - who shifted into what i like to daydream as a playboy who likes to daydream he has women figured out enough to call all the shots, all the time- who at one point acknowledges that NOW getting a woman to fall is easy (but would silently agree that loving them in return and finding the one is a far longer and greater journey)? How did that phase happen? What did he learn? Who cares?

 

I have been the one who was heartbroken, and the greatest heartbreaker. I am the manipulator (how else could i give advice if a guys a player if i didnt dip a toe into those waters at one point? I am not saying i am a player, i am saying i have felt the waters and bordered at the edge) I am the lover, the forgotten, the nice guy, the man who says everything right... the late night call for guys who need the answers to GET the woman, the guy who your mother tells you to find, the guy your father warns you about, and the guy who tells you that love is the greatest weakness for any and all man.. the greatest prize in life, for without love, their is a void that will swallow you whole... but who also deals in the darkside, the games.. i sell you a dream... a strategy... because i know... at.. the... end... its... all... a game...

 

How do i start this journal? I dont know... its a saturday, and i have a huge zit on my forehead... lol, yes i just wrote that. What was a little zit on my eyebrow has grown from wearing a tight company hat over the week that made it look atrocious (looks like someone jabbed me and knocked me out for the count) - dont worry, by tomorrow it will go down and i will still have my looks (so vain ... could he be so vain?), so tonight.. i drink, at home alone... and i face this computer screen, and barrage nonsense at myself, to read years later and think... damn, why am i so weird? And yes, as i write this... i am drinking... its ok, i dont drink much... this isnt an AA post...

 

So, should i start with what brought me to the site?

 

About how i was once one of the most popular posters in the "get back together" forum? And boasted about the women i got back, and how i got some posters to get their ex to chase them back?

 

How i made friends with real-life enotalone members, who still come on to this forum just to read my shenanigans?

 

Or how i dated someone from this site... and broke her heart... for her to never return to this site and declare me as evil...

 

I just warn, some will cringe, some wont believe... some will hate me... but this is me... for me.

 

No, i will start with this... my name is George... and i live in Brooklyn New York...

[Thorshammer]

I ideally want to be loved.... and love in return.

 

At 16 i wanted to be married with kids, no seriously... i wanted a family. That dream is a far-off dream now. That little chump has no clue as to how manipulating and misleading people could be. To bring a child into this world, with a woman shaped by the images of the women he brought into his life- has become an unforgettable nightmare. I am being completely open when i tell you... that every single ex-girlfriend i ever had (except one) i would have married and had children with...

 

I have fell in love with three woman in my life... but, their existence means nothing in this post at this moment.

 

Right now i feel free. Some woman texts me, her grandmother lies dying, and her aunt passed away yesterday. I paid her no mind - and she clings on me as if i was an important figure in her life even though i never met her and have only been chatting with her for just a week - i dont remember half the things she tells me, i just remember her thick brooklyn italian accent (which i found cute). I managed to find out her real name (really easy, she works for the board of education as a dance teacher, i googled her first name and her profession) - i found her facebook and notice she is very beautiful... now.. NOW... i remember everything she says... does this make me a jerk? I hope not... but then again, i dont have enough in me to care if i am or not... being a jerk was a revelation... it "got" more more women than plain old honesty.

 

She barrages me with texts about how sad she is... there is a glimmer, a small inch of me... before i discovered how pretty she was... that cared... that didnt see this as a game, but as a real situation that requires an inch of heart to shine. It managed to hit on my own reality, of when i lost my grandparents, and how i would feel if i lost my parents... but something also tugs at me... that.. this... is... the... perfect.. opportunity... to... have... her ...fall... for ... me.

 

I shake that off... its NYC. Women are like bottles sometimes, give me another until i get drunk and stop at the last one that stops me from getting too wasted... hold that one until you sober up enough to say "goodbye, i have to go home"...

 

And to squeeze this in... last night was my ex-gfs birthday. The first woman i loved, more than 10 years ago.. actually exactly 10 years ago. She "liked" my facebook post where i wished her a happy birthday... now i wonder will she remember mines? Quite a story that was - she was the first woman i opened up completely to, but also the first woman who felt my wraith when she laughed in my face when she broke up with me when i tried to convince her to not leave - who tasted my desire for revenge when i tried to sneak behind her back and talk to her sister while i tried to get her to come back to me... it ended with a fight, her fighting her sister in a mall. I accomplished my goal, i orchestrated this act with careful planning and plain old luck... after my ex i dated at least 5 women, enough experiences to learn the "craft" and i used that to control the strings... the but at the end... as the dust settled, i realized i still had feelings for my ex.. that after 10 years she was the closest to what people believe constitutes a "soul-mate", i will refer to her as Steph. It was my mistake... i was 24 and she was 18... and yet i was the child all along...

 

Eh, i went out with a bang... nobody messes with Thor... i'd rather destroy paradise and watch it burn behind me than love it again and have it slip under me again.... and now that i look back... the fire felt good...

[Thorshammer]

Hmmm, now i wake up and I am reading the above and thinking, "why did i start writing a journal?"

 

Let me fix my half-hearted attempts at the cliff-hangers in my posts - if I am going to complete this journal.

 

- My zit is fine by the way, it was a poke at myself (i actually make fun of myself a lot).

- I didnt lose my virginity too late, this is in comparison to my friends and cousins who were in my social circle at that time (or what they were claiming was their age when they lost their virginity).

- I never played games with good woman, you could argue i did play games with one woman in one situation - but that was never my intention for her to take in what i said was applying to her.

- I never lied to any girlfriend (I am even against small white lies when it comes to a relationship, this is not to make me sound cute, i am saying i am a dictator when it comes to lies. If i notice a small white-lie, I will hold a grudge against you forever). I never cheated, so this isnt a journal about cheating or how to cheat.

 

So, i will divert attention from my dating world experiences for a while. I dont want to flood this journal about my exploits in the dating world.

 

**** ***** *****

 

I am listening to The Doors album. Reminds me of old classic 80s horror movies. I remember at age 14ish i once packed up my bookbag with stakes, my vampire companion book (how to hunt vampires!), snuck into church and took some holy water (thank you Lostboys), and rode my book to the cemetery with my knucklehead cousin, and sat on the oldest grave and poured salt on the ground and waited for the vampires...

 

A few minutes after that i was chased out of the cemetery by the groundskeeper who kept cursing at me in greek, my cousin was almost crying in panic.... we rode so fast a bus almost hit me.

 

What if Vampires were real? Sorry, we were just trying to save the world, did i have to be cursed at?! I mean, i was putting my life on the line... this world, man...

 

I also went into some occult shop that opened where i used to live. I went in there with a bible (well a book for prayers for my communion, my mom didnt want me walking around with her bible because i would ruin it- plus she was mad when i once told her her bible looks like a wizards spellbook), holy-water, and some rabbits-foot (one of my little cousins swore this would ward off hexes- lucky that was, i ended up losing it that day-). I barged in there and said, "time to take out the trash!" (my cousins laughed in the background, but i was dead serious- i dont remember what stupid cliche movie i stole that from- but i thought it was cool at the time). The woman just looked at me from the counter and said, "you throwing out my trash?"

 

She was actually really nice and sweet... but my mom spanked my butt when she found me in there. My mom is catholic and didnt want me in there. I would still sneak in when my mom wasnt looking, i would still annoy her when i kept asking her if she sees ghosts or demons that i can fight for a fee... they ended up closing down though. They converted that spot into an apartment now.

 

BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIIIIIIIIDDDDDEEEEE!!!!

[BlueRizla]

Who would want to read a journal of a guy who lost his virginity late, was heartbroken more than loved - who shifted into what i like to daydream as a playboy who likes to daydream he has women figured out enough to call all the shots, all the time- who at one point acknowledges that NOW getting a woman to fall is easy (but would silently agree that loving them in return and finding the one is a far longer and greater journey)? How did that phase happen? What did he learn? Who cares?

[/b]

 

That sums it up right there. Me too. I care. Keep posting. Though I was 13 when I lost mine. Heartbroken more than loved..

[Thorshammer]

Well, my failures led to my success, or maybe my failures led to what would eventually perceive itself as success that would ultimately fail (depending on your perspective).

 

Its strange to write what i wrote underneath, when i would eventually become the guy who had really attractive girlfriends, or the guy that all my friends and cousins would title as a playboy -or that any crush they had they would keep me away from (I never got that good or that "bad", its just their perceptions from the cycle of woman i would bring around that i would date- they just assumed i went through women).

 

I always had girls looking at me through my teen years, but i was too shy and inexperienced to do anything about it. Thats what made it so frustrating. I remember in junior-high how the prettiest girl in the school would grab my arm as i walked by, she did that everyday i saw her - and i would never look back, not even for a second - for me to move an inch to look at her direction was like a planet colliding with another. I remember how i used to go to the barber to get that fresh haircut, and the day after i would walk the same hallway I knew her class was stationed at, i did this just so i can feel her touch me, so i can get the approval from her that i was handsome that day.

 

You would think i would process that as, "Thor, that means you are cute." Nope, i also remember when i once stared at a girl walking by, the first time i gathered up the courage to stare at another woman (at that time)- i remember the face of disgust she shot back at me. All i remember thinking was, "I was just appreciating how beautiful you look, why would you want to make me feel bad with that facial expression?"

 

So, its safe to say that throughout my school years i was clueless, insecure and super-shy.

 

But, i was in no rush to date someone. And i didnt care about sex either. The closest i came to having sex was when a girl tried to rape me. She was small, so she grabbed a really tall and big female student and tried to beg her to force me down so she can have her way with me. I used to have a crush on that girl too... lol, that is making me laugh right now...

 

So, i was happy being single because i had my buddies... we were all single. We played roleplaying games, magic the gathering, trained in karate, and played a lot of baseball.

 

Then one of my buddies got himself a girlfriend, he came around less...

 

A year later my last buddy had a girlfriend, and he was rarely seen...

 

Now.. i was alone.

 

I remember them telling me about how wonderful a relationship was. They told me about sex, about what it feels like and how it looks like. I just played along saying, "yeah, bro, i know.... it feels good." They both thought i had women in school, they actually believed i was just playing the field- thinking i wanted sex and no strings attached- i played that role for as long as i could.

 

I was very alone, and most of my family was wondering why i didnt have a girlfriend. They always asked, "you have a girlfried, oh, no... why, too many to count?" It was annoying...

 

Eventually, i DID end up meeting someone at age 20. My cousins girlfriends cousin- named Cid. A girl i hung out with one and a half days... her role in my life sparked more than she will ever know. For a girl whos existence could be measured in mere minutes, became a catalyst for change - i stretched her existence into a century. She knew i was shy (i'm sure my cousins girlfriend read me and told her)- she would whistle at me, try to talk to me, try to set up double dates with my cousin- i would ignore, ignore ignore, and get angry...

 

She was attractive, so that wasnt the issue. The issue was... my cousin will know i was "new". You see, i was the leader of our group, the handsome one, the tough one, the stronger one; i was the alpha-male in our geeky-group. I didnt want to show my cards to him... that was weakness, and Thor hated that.

 

But she didnt take a no for an answer. Eventually, i went home and daydreamed about her... how she said i was cute, handsome, sweet and was cool... she first started the wheels of attraction, affection, being liked. I told my cousin to set something up, and we all hung out, and it was GREAT! She even put her arm around my waist and laughed, and she walked right next to me the whole time while my cousin held hands with his girlfriend (HUGE step for me back then) --- this simple but innocent event was an atomic bomb in my life - and through my inexperienced eyes... it quickly turned into overwhelming neediness and clinginess... but this was my chance.... this was it.... this is how it felt like, and i needed it.

 

I texted her even when she didnt respond, i messaged her online when she wasnt online, my voice would crack when i talked to her, and i would get mad when she didnt stay on the phone talking to me...

 

I was addicted to her, i needed her

 

... and that NEED killed it before it even started...

 

I'll title everything from this point as the "BEGINNING' that would lead to my transformation. Everything i believe chained up to this event, they all linked together, like a domino effect, and it started with Cid and how she behaved after this. From this point on, a big red warning sign will flash... you will read things that dont make sense, and many things you dont agree with... my opinions, generalizations and my past behavior will anger you red - but this was my journey and this is how it played out.