Getting back together but it's long distance. Need advice on a scenario

[Tomas Chadwick]

Hey all, thanks for reading in advance!

 

My girlfriend of 1 & a half years and I broke up in October/November due to mistakes made on my behalf (I had been talking to other people online) - more out of habit and need for affection than anything I think, as we would often argue before. It was a long distance relationship (over continents), but every time we would see each other the arguments were forgotten, although every time we were apart there'd be arguments and negativity, accusations, assumptions based on nothing - more often coming from her side than mine, although I did play my part in it too.

 

Anyway, since the end of December we have been talking again, and I asked for another chance, which she has accepted. She says she wants to fix things too and make everything right again, and so do I. We had been in a LDR with a view to finding somewhere together once I finished my degree, which will now be done in a couple of months.

However, we don't agree on the way to go about it. I really don't understand her reasoning, but she doesn't trust me, and still thinks I'm doing what I was before (which I'm not). I understand that she'll have her doubts and stuff but when you give someone another chance, don't you put a certain amount of trust or faith in the other, or at least trust that they're serious about this and will come? She seems to think that I'm playing her and won't come, and refuses to open up or be positive about this until I've booked my flight.

 

In my eyes this is basically her saying that in order for her to be positive and to show me she wants me to come and to open up to me, I have to book a flight.

I have no income. I literally have enough money for a return flight and a hotel, but the money is inheritance and savings since from the day I was born. It has sentimental value to me and when that's gone I'm broke… I want to know that she wants me there and that she's going to do her part…

She seems to think it's 'all about money' to me, and I don't understand that… I'm only being sure about everything and I don't want to commit to going all this way and using all my money until I know that she's serious about being with me again too…

 

She's honestly got all the power to say no to me coming… I can book my flight and then she could tell me not to bother, or she could just ignore me, etc. and then all my time, effort, and money will have been gone to waste. On the other hand, she says she'll only open up to me and will only be positive with me if I book my flight…

 

It's ridiculous in my eyes. I want to fix things and I really want to be with her in person. But she's making it very difficult and is really stubborn and refuses to play her part "until I play mine" - which coincidently means booking my flights.

 

I don't know what to do considering she's honestly the one with all the power… I'm the one that's been trying to fix things… I've not argued, I've admitted everything I did, and accepted and told her I know I was wrong, and I've showered her with compliments (without getting any in return), and I speak to her through the day, despite me working hard on my final project, and I've been honest and truthful, and every time she accuses me of something, or assumes something of me, I explain everything I've done and am doing, and sometimes even send a picture to show that I'm home with my family and not out with some girl or something (despite never having done that before).

I'm doing everything I possibly can, and now she's telling me to book my flight or she won't do her part…

It's like she thinks that a relationship or finding a solution together is like a staircase or something, and I have to do something to make her do something, then I have to do the next thing to make her do something, etc. It makes no sense to me because I've always thought it takes two… To work together as one… I always thought that the flight shouldn't matter… I mean of course, I've told her I'll come to see her and I will, but 'when' shouldn't matter, and it should all be about being positive together and making each other know that this is what we want and stuff… The flight will come with time, when it is known to both that it's going well, and is right and not 'risky' to book…

 

I've been completely open and positive with her, but she's not with me… She was for a day but then argued and went negative again because I took a while to reply and accused me of not caring that she's being positive or something :S

 

I feel at a complete loss for what to do and think she's got all the power and is not compromising at all, but she seems to think that I've got all the power just because I could say 'no' to coming after she opens up to me… Makes no sense to me… Opening up should be the first thing you do in fixing things… She says she wants it all done in person though, and won't until I book.

 

Any suggestions/advice on how to go about this? :S

[sharky988]

You lost me at "talking to other people online."

 

Really -- ? What exactly was the purpose of doing this.... while you were supposedly in a relationship with someone else?

[SpottiOtti]

My first thought is that you are not comprehending exactly how hurtful it was for you to have talked to other girls online. You mention it only twice that I saw in your entire post, as though you are glossing it over and think that since you are now claiming you've learned your lesson and are apologetic, that should be enough to make your past actions disappear. Sadly, that is not the case once trust is lost in a relationship. I'd say she's not over that at all, and her demand that you book a flight to prove your sincerity is coming from her not being over feelings of betrayal. And I wonder if she also feels that you are glossing over your infidelity, since I got that impression here in a few paragraphs.

 

Not trying to make you feel attacked or anything, just my impression of the situation as you described it. It sounds like you are doing everything you know to do in order to prove your new-found sincerity, but she isn't over the betrayal yet.

[Tomas Chadwick]

The reason I 'glossed over it' is because I've written all about it in a previous post. It's the first time I ever did anything of the sort. I understand it was wrong and that it was a mistake on my part. My point is not about what I did, because I knew I made a mistake and I've paid for it. I'm asking what you all think I should do or how you'd suggest I can get a compromise to the situation.

 

My feeling is that when she gave me a second chance, she should have put a little faith or trust in the fact that I'm trying to make things right, and am serious about it… I messaged her more than once a day for a whole week before she even replied to me at first… I'm putting a lot of effort in to make this right and I'm serious about it. It's a complete waste of my time and her time if I wasn't serious about it.

 

But whereas I'm ready and willing to make this commitment to flying out to see her with the last of my savings, I also think that it is too much to ask without at least showing that she is actually serious about making things right with me…

 

I know the cause of the problem was my fault, but she has actually said she refuses to "be positive, or to open up, show feelings, or do any of her part until I book"… It's a big thing she's asking me to do without even knowing that she will… Previously (when we were together), she'd be negative a lot of the time and would tell me she'll be positive, but would be only for a day before returning to the negativity… I really tried my best to be there and make sure she was ok, but she never told me what was bothering her really…

 

Back to the point though… Is it fair on me to have to book this flight before she even says anything to suggest that she wants this?

 

What do I do? Is there a compromise that should be made? :S I'm doing everything I can, and I know it's not enough to simply 'say' I'll come. I know I have to act upon it, and I will. But is it honestly fair on me to do so without getting literally anything from her until then? Am I being help at ransom?

 

That's what I want to know.

[SpottiOtti]

I made a mistake and I've paid for it

 

You're still paying for it, that's my point. I agree that you sound serious about making it right, and that you feel you are doing all you can. I think this latest "test" of hers is also, in her eyes, still about you making it right. Again, not judging you or saying that "what you did was wrong" . . . just trying to see things from her perspective. Is her perspective fair to you or the relationship? Only you can answer that. It does, as you say, take two, and if she isn't participating as an equal partner in this relationship, it might be that she isn't capable of doing so right now because she is still feeling betrayed. Once trust is lost in a relationship, things change dramatically. You said in your first post that you two "would often argue" before you even talked to other girls online - that problem still has to be fixed too. What was the cause of the arguing? What needs to happen in order to fix that? Is that possible now? Was it possible before? And lastly, if this ultimatum of hers is about you paying for the infidelity, are you willing to pay that price?