silversoul Posted August 24, 2014 Author Share Posted August 24, 2014 Just need the strength to finish this project and I'm done. What an exhausting year. I just want to be free and think of nothing. I'm so tired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 donate things I don't use sell the bike and printer after I printed all the necessary stuff iron things and pack get them to S' place, give him some money email N get the ticket finally buy presents Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 Going to three classes in the gym: circuits bums and tums yoga Pretty excited! Also haven't seen the gym since they relocated. Should be fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Ok, so here I'm after not visiting this website for a long time. I've relocated to a different country and sharing house with my family again. Working two jobs and pretty busy all the time. I like it, because I have no time for any bad ruminations which I tend to have when I'm not so busy. I get so tired that getting a good sleep is something I really look forward to and treasure. The top priority for me at the moment is to be professional, confident, prepared and organised at my new work. I need to impress my employers and hopefully all this business will translate into fat financial rewards. Relationship wise, not much and I'm ok with that. Still talk to M., realise he's not good for me but I just can't let go. At times feel jealous to the ex he's sharing a house with, but trying to be philosophical about and not let the emotions consume me. I know he's not that into me and perhaps that's why I'm so into him? I deserve someone who is really excited about me. He clearly has his problems. Eh time will see. Lately thinking that I would feel much better about myself if I cut contact with him. Things to develop: Mindfulness - bought a book on Amazon Maths skills - read the book Telecoms - read the book Be prepared beforehand, don't start two hours before work. Clean more Organise more Sleep more Relax more Prepare more Read more Listen more Be professional. I'm happy. I'm strong and can do whatever I want to. Gonna drink coffee, finish paperwork and then prepare for tomorrow's work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 What country are you in now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted November 3, 2014 Author Share Posted November 3, 2014 I would rather not say for safety and privacy reasons, sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Staying home since Saturday because my wisdom tooth started growing and it was growing in the wrong direction. Was so much pain, ugh! Now starting to feel better, cleaned my room and having a cup of tea browsing this forum. Was so sad and anxious because of M. refusing to be my bf, when he himself started talking about relationship first? Well, it is his loss after all. I'm done. As I've read somewhere, sometimes you need to let go to see if there's anything left. If he truly wants to be with me, he will be. I deserve so much better than this. I was looking at my pics on the phone and realised that I'm a really beautiful, smart woman. Anyone would be lucky to have me, I don't have any baggage unlike many people out there and I'm looking for a healthy monogamous relationship. I guess started losing my self-esteem because of M. again. Seriously, f* him. I guess just because he represents to me the connection to all the things I love - outdoors, hiking, I can't just let go because I imagined some rosy future with him. But I'm 100% sure that I'm stronger than him. Never forget that. So November is here, I need to save all the money I can for my 10 day trip to the UK. Thinking of going round the country exploring and hiking. So yeah, the plan for November is to take care of myself, work hard, don't stress too much and also should continue with the swimming lessons. Also remember to always be professional at work. I really wish I could earn more. Will work more this month. I dream to climb mountains but in the place I'm living they are not easily reached and I need resources and money before I can become a regular mountain climber. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 You can never make anyone love, you can never make anyone want you. Not when you become the fittest person, not when you become the smartest. It is not something you can control. So be at peace with that. You can only be yourself and what happen will happen. Found this website with Buddha quotes. Quite good for feeling better and at peace. link removed The ones I liked the most: “All conditioned things are impermanent” — when one sees this with wisdom, one turns away from suffering. “Be vigilant; guard your mind against negative thoughts” If anything is worth doing, do it with all your heart. Just as a solid rock is not shaken by the storm, even so the wise are not affected by praise or blame. Resolutely train yourself to attain peace Another quote this time found on tumblr that I liked: If you don’t know what you love, then how will you know what to fight for? Or what to focus on? Or what you should start doing? Or stop doing? The further you stray from what you love, the weaker your life force becomes. If you don’t find your purpose, the world will surely find a purpose for you…and it won’t be in your best interest. - James Weeks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted November 9, 2014 Author Share Posted November 9, 2014 Shattered empty and sick. Want some peace of mind. Want to fall asleep. My chest physically hurts like during the break up feel so low. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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silversoul Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 The goal is to be happy and do what I want to do. I love myself and respect myself, treat myself with respect and love. I am a worthy and a good person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 It is ok not to be ok. the lesson learned: I'm not happy yet and won't be until I focus on myself and my own dreams and aspirations. I don't need other people. I don't need them at all. I am focusing on myself. I am a good, caring, compassionate person but now it is high time to turn that compassion to myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 some goals: good camera experienced hiker read more counselling be more relaxed, love my family and friends and devote my love and time to them not people who do not deserve it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 2014 was a good year for me, it was a year of so much learning, transformation and growth. My self-esteem and self-confidence rose and I did things I never did before. I'm quite happy and proud of myself for that. In this 2015 year I will continue to fight my insecurities and continue the path to being authentic me. I have 4 goals for 2015. I could write down many, but I really want to achieve these, so I'll keep it to the minimum: 1) Read a book every week. 2) Buy a good quality camera. 3) Save money. 4) Do driving lessons and pass the exam. Then I have a bucket list of things I want to do, sort of a bucket list: Do Coursera course Learning to learn Start playing tennis Do a dancing course Do a cooking course Study my native language Continue learning German Start learning Arabic Run 5k again Swim through the whole lane without stopping Go travelling somewhere Go to V. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 I'm a great person and I deserve to be happy. I'm capable of achieving what I want to achieve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 Learning not to give s and it feels so damn good. OH YES. Should journal here more often, as it makes me feel better, I've noticed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 The reason I don't journal as often as before is possible because I'm so overwhelmed recently with work, relationships, etc. At the same time it feels like nothing is really happening. At least my hair is growing! I'm reading more as well, January was fairly relaxed apart from one bs situation at work, when I was accused of incompetence which is not true of course, just a consequence of a working for an institution which knows nothing about the concept of consistency. Well I felt pretty terrible, even cried... That prompted me to worry that I give too many f's about things which I should not really... Why I'm wasting my precious f's on unimportant things? The theory is that's it's inevitable that you give f's cause you are young and everything seems more serious and important than it is. As you grow older you care less and less about those trivial things and, like we discussed with a friend, all you worry is about where to buy fish cheaply... It worries me. worries me that I'm working, not doing anything great, like going on a month-long hikes or travelling around the world. I guess for now the most important thing is to love myself so much and not let anyone shatter my precious self-esteem. I'd rather appear vain, than let myself sink to previous deprecation of myself. I'm on the crossroads, it seems, do I continue to roam on the big road or do I park myself into a comfortable small parking on the sideway? Idk. I really want to go my own way and just be happy. wanna be haaaaaaappy and free. yes! also I want pancakes, and good coffee, and nice tress and summer, and wooden tables and a nice young man with a beard, someone like M. or even him. Someone who is intelligent and accepting. Someone who feels like home. I'm willing to compromise, but too much of it makes me feel scared and less than myself. I just want someone with a gentle heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Can't wait for the spring and blue sky and green trees. Such a dull winter, feels more like like autumn than winter. We had snow only once. When I was a child, it used to be snow all the time Also I'm on a low card diet and it is working pretty good, funny how the cravings eventually disappear. No matter what anyone says, you do feel more confident with your collarbone visible and a thin waist, so hopefully will achieve the look I want which is having almost no breasts Might not be possible with my figure type, but at least my thighs will decrease as well. Also, I have a new theory to be happier and more confident. When I was young and first moved to a different country, to study I spent too much time experiencing things while it might have been better to learn some actual skills. At the moment I'm thinking skills>experiences for confidence and happiness. I might be wrong. Anyway, I'm happy I had all these experiences, now need to master more skills. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Quitting all my social media including IM messaging. Why? 1) You login hoping for something - someone remembered about you or could it be finally that your new crash at work decided to message you. You check it in hope and... nothing. Life just goes on, while you wait for something to happen looking at your electronic devices with changing avatars. I don't know I don't feel real connection when I communicate with people. Maybe if I had some sort of blog or campaign, then I would find it helpful, or if I was actively meeting new people. 2) Real opportunities are in life and are made by me with my effort and time and skill. Not waiting miraculously for me at some website. Not saying that it can't be used as a useful tool again ( see above). At this point in my life I need to concentrate on my own skills and efforts, my own priorities. 3) Yes, it makes me sad, to see people grow old, change, change their lovers and grow apart. I don't want to observe this and be distracted by that. 4) I still can use useful websites-catalogs like Goodreads and Lastfm, and this website. Need to admit, that I do feel a certain anxiety but it is natural. I'm not going to miss out anything particularly important. If it's important enough, it will reach me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 Coming back to this journalling thing, as I find myself in what I suspect is another depression episode. I occasionally journal privately but I thought I might be more disciplined writing here and thinking someone will read it, hey I'm a human and a social being after all. Don't know even where to start. So a year ago, I graduated and came back and was employed. Looking back, the year that went by was good overall and I had high hopes. I guess now the graduation excitement is wearing off and I'm finding myself stuck in the rut. I started feeling sort of low after I came back from a week foreign training, it was really exciting week and coming home felt boring and I guess I started to fear that I will get stuck in this job and city forever with no further development or excitement. I had a new date, so that made me more optimistic and I was approved for a new three week super intensive job, which also lifted my spirits. So I started my work and sort of forgot my worries and bad feelings cause I was leaving early in the morning and coming back quite late, plus learning a lot, a lot of new people and environment. So the job finished last week and it all started coming down on me. That job was really hard, in the hospital, observing deaths and all, made me really think about my life and what I want in it. Now that the job is over, I don't feel stimulated by my usual job, it doesn't excite me. The fact that the pay has been lowered doesn't add anything nice, plus that long commute and awful lunches and in general it lacking any required facilities. I just don't want to go there. My mum says that I should consider myself lucky to have it, but I don't buy it. This means I should do something about this, look for new opportunities, trainings, do something. But I just feel like doing nothing, I just want to stay in bed all day long, it feels like so much work and I feel unable to do it. And then I feel bad about not doing anything and the fear of settling, getting used to this job and lifestyle that I'm not happy with, adapting so that my baseline of happiness increases - I'm really scared of this and I don't want this. I guess right now, for this day and tomorrow I'm just gonna see how I feel and don't demand much of myself, I'm going to take it easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 I want to say that everything is fricking horrible but I'll try to use some perspective. I'm experiencing a real dry spell atm and just last week I also dropped my phone and don't even have a phone now lol. I also don't want to invest into an expensive one right now, so I'll just get simple one just for calling. I guess I need this break from hopes of getting to know and talking to someone cause I'm not particularly happy with my life right now. I must admit, I hope sometimes that some nice guy will appear and make me forget about my own problems and distract me with a new shiny relationship. Then of course, I marry him and we have a child, so I'm just too busy to ever think about my problems again. Ohhhh. Well, time to use the perspective. I was quite open-minded to dating this summer and overall had experiences with 5 guys, all of them ended not spectacularly but hey it's an experience and I think this was the most fruitful summer I had. Admittedly, nothing came out but definitely good learning experiences. So the first guy I met through the meet up club type thing. Never was my type, never even considered him like someone I'd date because I was crushing on someone else at the time from the same circle of people. But he got my number through a mutual acquiantance and started pursuing me calling and texting. I gracefully accepted and wanted to explore where this thing will lead us. Met up once awkwardly and scheduled for a second date. At the same time, relative introduced to another guy which seemed like a great catch and I agreed to meet him two. So I actually hang out with them two on the same day and for sure felt good for my ego. Continued to talk with them through text. The first guy also called, and we also met up one or two times more. Both guys weren't in the city so all continued through text, I could tell that the first guy is more interested but also a nice (seemed to me) connection with the second one. So this all continued for 1,5-2 months and to be honest, I naively thought that for sure it must work out with someone of these two. However, the first guy suddenly went cold on me when there was a date scheduled, what a rude idiot! I must admit that was quite a blow to me because it wasn't really nice of him to suddenly start fading out when he himself suggested a date just several days ago. I'm thinking maybe he realized that I'm not a good match for him, maybe he met someone else. What upsets me is that how a seemingly nice person can just drop off the face of the earth while before really pursuing you? I guess he wasn't that nice after all. Maybe a week after that communication with the second guy also started deteriorating in the similar fashion, slow fade. It's not really nice. But I guess they were jiggling other options too and in the end it wasn't in my favor. But I'm almost over this despite I feel like these two episodes contributed to how I feel now, empty and isolated. The fact that people can talk to you and then the next day just stop without any explanation feels a bit scary. Makes me feel cynical and lose hope. With other two guys nothing went further than one date even though both expressed the wish to see me again, they never planned a second date, so I gradually stopped considering them and talking to them. Last guy was really nice initially but then made an inappopriate comment which made me question his motives so I just stopped talking to him. They say it's a numbers game, I'm doing the quantity but I miss the quality, the connection. I just want a decent human being to share my life with. Now with this dry spell I feel like it's not gonna work out. And the reality is that it might not. Why am I so hopeless at my 24? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 I don't know whether I made any mistakes with these guys. I don't know, maybe be less available next time comes, even comes. But surely I will be less hopeful and excited knowing that they can drop you even after months of talking and several dates. You learn by living. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 SO, how are things going for me? My personality, emotional and intellectual development: I'm quite happy at who I am becoming so far, I'd like to think that I'm more optimistic and positive than I was before. I don't have this emo, dark side to me like in my earlier twenties. I don't make myself sad ruminating and listening to sad songs. I understand that there are certain traits in my personality that make me maybe quieter or more deeply-perceiving that other but I don't see it as something tragic or consider myself 'other' as I used before. That's good. Most, importantly, I know myself better and I'm better at accepting things too. I guess that's what being mature is about: accepting what you can't change and changing what you can change. I'm realizing how time flies and now is the time to do all things that I wanna do: Over the next five years: study, work or volunteer internationally - seek out opportunities and apply; save up and go fluent in Arabic - teach yourself first; find a teacher own business that brings me financial security and benefits our society (i.e. scholarships for poorer students) write a book about mountains and hiking (?) own my make up kit and do a make up course - invest little by little know my region's hiking places excellently and do hikes regularly - with students, seek out people who know stuff be connected to people around me! be kind and believe in yourself. Don't get resentful and bitter. Nobody owes you anything, just do your thing and be kind. Your reference point for the crazy world is yourself and what feels right to you, and not what someone else thinks you should do or the way that someone else has done it. The most punk thing you can do is just be yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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