New Journal

[silversoul]

Seriously PO at my ex and super annoyed. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm fuming and want to punch him in the face and let him know how pathetic he is. Because I have to work on my essay which was due in December and which I obviously failed because of his scumbag actions. Seriously, questioning what I even found in this manchild? Just a reflection of how f#cked up I was at the time that I've fallen for this pathetic narcissistic piece of sh##t. Sorry but I'm really angry at how he almost ruined my first semester. Full of regret. Wish I never met him. At least learned my lessons. Never again. Let's do this essay.

 

• read, research, find 7-10 references
  

[silversoul]

ing manchild

douchebag

cheating assssssssss

ugh I hope karma gets back at you

 

I know that you are still insecure as hell. So glad I've overgrown you.

[silversoul]

I'm sort of dating 3 people at the same time. I guess it's ok because nothing will come out of this anyway since I'm going away. At least I will learn a lot.

[silversoul]

Having looked at many posts where people are afraid that their partner may cheat on them, I wonder why people worry about that. It's not like their worrying is going to stop the cheater. I personally want to give my partner all freedom, having of course discussed what I wouldn't find acceptable. It's not like you can control other person's actions and predict them, so you may as well relax. You will find out about cheating I guess, sooner or later. Maybe not, but I guess your partner's behaviour will give away that something is not quite right in the relationship.

 

I sold some stuff on Ebay and made around £150. Wish I could sell the bags and shoes I'm not wearing any more. I wonder why on Earth I bought these things which I only wore once or twice. Never again! I was so bad with my money and could have saved a significant amount, but oh well. I guess it was just me being young and immature. It feels me with regret, as I could have saved a good amount and used it for something useful. Well, I guess that's a lesson learnt and now at the age of 23 I'm learning to save money and cut unnecessary costs. I was never given good example by my parents - they have zero savings and live from a paycheck to a paycheck. I don't want to be like that, I want to save up money to use for my personal development, not for stylish clothes. All these years I spent thinking I should look like a model and have a certain style. Guess what, I don't need that. I have a good body so simple minimalistic and practical clothing will be enough for me, as you can never keep up with this ever-changing fashion.

 

This year is truly a year of transformation for me, physical and mental. Wish I had some spare money to change my hair colour as it would be a very symbolic thing to do. But my hair is long and it will cost me round £50 and I think that's the price of 2-3 nights at a hostel, or two train tickets to the beach so I never do that.

Today when I was sitting down when I got on a bus, an attractive young man who liked like a guy from perfume ad was looking at me interested and that made me quite self-conscious. People have told me I'm good-looking but I'm still getting used to it after my weight loss. What a difference 8 kg and toning up did lol.

[silversoul]

M. haven't asked me out and I haven't seen him for two days. And this is considering we live 2 mins away from each other. Oh well. I guess I overestimatd how much he liked me. It sucks cause I find him very interesting and I really like him, but I will have to distance myself. I am interesting and I deserve more than his half-hearted attempts. He's simply not that into me and that's ok.

 

My room is so damn hot, I hate it. I hate that I'm stuck inside. Today was such a gorgeous day and I can't seem to finish this essay. I just find it very dumb, the topic. I can't do this anymore. You thought at MA level they wouldn't give you such dumb tasks. Just want to get away and live somewhere in the woods with no people and with no noise. I'm sick of the noise. I just want to live and have no deadlines and no responsibilities at least for a bit. This has been such a difficult year for me, but I'm proud of myself for not giving up.

[silversoul]

M. drives me crazy or is it just me? So today he messages me with "You ok?", then invites for ice-cream, I saw that only half an hour ago and replied... and silence. ? I know I made a huge mistake when I didn't go with my initial plan of not seeing anyone at all. Why didn't I stay true to my promise? Now I have to deal with trying to decipher him. I don't want to, it just breeds my insecurity and makes me hyper and anxious. Should have dropped him like a hot potato when he slept in. I'm tired of being a nice girl. I always try to be understanding but in the end it's me who is always hurt. I'm losing faith in men and just want to be forever single. I'm sick of M's flakiness and it's the same with I. He messaged me with some dumb video expecting me to reply. I didn't.. Guess what, I'm not a teenage girl, I don't want these messages. set a date with, invite me out if you are interested. I'm tired of his BS, it's almost like he expects me to entertain him. Only A. is kinda OK. At least I know he genuinely likes me and have never cancelled anything with me.

 

I know it's a cliche, but I guess I should turn into a cold and heartless , who only cares about herself. Cause I'm tired of people exploiting me just because I'm nice.

[silversoul]

Ok, so I hang out with M, went for a walk and watched a movie with him. I don't get it. He seems to be interested but he barely kissed me. Comparing how passionate he was when he first kissed me with today...Anyway, it's not reflection of my attractiveness or of my personality. If anything, it's him and his quirks. He is quite special and it's interesting. I like him so much, I just felt so protected when we were walking in the park hugging. I guess the problem is I want him to like me the way I'm used to - with lots of drama and emotions. Like I. does. That doesn't necessarily mean that's the best way. Everyone likes differently but anyway I shouldn't put too much in M. I guess I can learn to be a bit aloof. I wonder why it's not a problem with A. May be because he set a boundary where we definitely don't evolve into a relationship since he lives so far away, whereas with M. we discussed a lot of heavy issues. Guess that's why I may be attached to him? I'm emotional lately, guess because it's only 9 days until my period. God, I don't know why I can't just accept that I'm attractive and interesting and yes, someone so cool as M. can like me. I guess it's hard for me to admit because I feel insecure and I feel inferior because of his high IQ and all experiences... But then I downplay my achievements, like he said, coming to study to a completely different culture and doing well is an accomplishment. So yeah I guess the root of the issue is that I feel inferior to him and afraid that he will discover that I'm not that cool and he will lose interest, that's why I keep tracking his level of interest, which in reality has nothing to do with me. I'm cool and kind, smart and attractive. My ex was unemployed and I never had a guy who was actually doing good and having lots of cool interests, so that may explain why I feel insecure as well. In fact, when I was 18 I was in love with a guy who was doing a MBA and he never asked me out, so may be that's why I unconsciously started thinking that guys who have jobs and hobbies and are social aren't for me. The same with A. he studies engineering, travels a lot, plays in a bad, has lots of friends. So true when they say that when you start fixing yourself, you attract higher quality people

 

They say that you are attracted to the people who reflect your best qualities and aspirations and now I know that's true. And that's why I started losing interest to my ex who does nothing but listen to obscure music. For me, I understood that I'm tired of consuming: music, films, whatever. I want to get out and live, create and experience.

 

I also thought how I used to be more confident when I was younger. I guess when you are at a huge university full of so many smart people and noble prize winners,you inevitable compare yourself and feel inferior. I guess that's how I lost this of-course-i-can-do-this attitude which I had when I was younger.

 

I'm reading this book atm

link removed

 

I really recommend it. It's the stuff I already knew but it's so neatly packaged and makes you want to address your issues directly.

[silversoul]

I love myself.

[silversoul]

Breakthrough tip: Understanding your mother’s vulnerability is the first step to liberating yourself. Instead of getting angry, which will make her needier and perpetuate a vicious circle, tell her you love her and then laugh together when she goes over the top.

 

For daughters of perfect mothers, if you find yourself behaving like everybody’s mother, step back and stop taking responsibility. For example, if you have to nag your partner to get up in the morning, remind him once and then leave it. He might be late for an appointment but he is an adult and accountable for his own choices.

 

Our view of ourselves is inextricably linked with the view in the mirror held up by our parents, caregivers and siblings. If they offered qualified or conditional love, we can have trouble truly accepting and loving ourselves. Understanding this legacy is the first step towards making peace with ourselves and improving our self-esteem. - I didn’t feel loved enough.

 

Three examples of how you are like your mother:

 

1) Caring too much about others

 

2) Not caring enough about myself

 

3) Strong

 

Three example of how I’m like my father

 

1) Not caring much about other’s opinion

 

2) Self-sufficient

 

3) Idealist and a bit naive?

[silversoul]

Lol, just found my fears after my break-up which now seem completely ridiculous. Just show that you CANNOT TRUST your own judgement and take your fears and thoughts as facts.

 

my fears post break up

Never feeling about other guy as I felt about him

 

Never being loved like he did

 

Never being so excited about someone

 

A loveless life

 

A loveless marriage

 

Not meeting someone interesting

 

Never feeling so connected to someone

 

Them getting married and being happy

 

Them having a happier life than mine

 

Having to settle

 

None of these proved true so far, quite the contrary.

[silversoul]

I wish women were more empowered in our society. I just stumbled upon some girl's page.. She's pretty, overweight and looks bored and you can see that the whole focus of her life is waiting for the MAN. Ugh. She's just waiting for that man, judging from her posts. I wish women would see that they are as strong as man and they can lead the life they want. I don't want to be judged on how pretty I'm. I'm a person, a human and only then I'm a woman. It's so pathetic. I hate books like Twiligth and 50 shades of gray for further reinforcing these pathetic behaviours in women. She had this pic on her page: link removed

really?!!!!!!!

Ugh I'm angry. Hope I won't be just pretty and property of man. Looked at ASICS over run the sun ultra video. Want to be like women in that video.

[silversoul]

Gonna go and get some salted popcorn and a small chocolate. Been eating veggies whole day.

[silversoul]

OK, here I'm again, waiting for your message, M. This is the last time. If you do not let me know if we are meeting/not meeting tonight, I'm cutting all contact with you.I tried.

[silversoul]

What I see on these boards and in general, in life people are often hurt and upset because of their expectations. To be truly free is to have no expectations for others but only for yourself.

 

TO PRACTICE

 

Stop unnecessary apologies.

They are not required and unconsciously erode your self-esteem.

 

I'm awesome.

[silversoul]

LIVE IN THE PRESENT

[silversoul]

I'm happy.

[silversoul]

Staring at Google maps and looking at all the places I can go... I love you mother nature

[silversoul]

TO CHANGE:

 

DON'T BUY ONLY DARK COLOUR CLOTHES

bought a nice white tshirt today

[silversoul]

Oh god, need to clean my room and do the laundry. Afterwards a run perhaps.

[silversoul]

M. didn't message me at all for 1,5 days so I messaged him first again. He always responds immediately but before he would always message me first. I appreciate that he's busy but still. I should just leave the guy alone. No more initiating contact, dear Silversoul. Leave him be. If anything it's his loss. Not that I'm angry or anything. Sometimes things just don't work out and that's ok.

 

I'm totally lost and confused. I don't ever want to bet whether or how much a man likes me. I'm just unsure of everything. F**k relationships really. It's ok to be single. Better alone than in a bad company. Pretty sure there's some chemistry between M's friend and me. But I would never do anything and then end up in weird situations like people on these boards. They are two great people and honestly I would love being their friend.

 

I'm cultivating my hobbies. All my life thought it was enough to read and listen to music. Now I'm running quite seriously. So sore but I will keep on running. Yesterday some dude shouted to me "Why you run, you have a great body?" Well, d'uh dude, I have a decent average not overweight body exactly because I'm physically active. I've spent too many years being inactive and I would die but go back to that lifestyle. But, most importantly, running gives me a sense of achievement, accomplishment, it makes me full powerful. It's like therapy really. Hope I will keep running as long as I can. My gym is being relocated to a new place and that's exciting to. I still need to do my uni work. A. keeps messaging me mostly bragging about his adventures, so I shouldn't feel flattered, mostly it's about HIM. Why do I attract either self-concerned guys like A. and M. or crazy -not -letting -me -go -to- sleep dudes like I. Oh so glad I blocked him everywhere could have turned out to be an abusive rp. Feel so disgusted thinking about it.

 

Finance-wise been not so great, but oh well I'm learning. I should not underestimate how important it is to learn how to spend and how to save.

 

Also learned that I just love good coffee, it makes everything better!

 

God, this being an adult thing is pretty hard I guess exciting at the same time. Just feel like I'm late to the party because of my stupid culture and overprotective controlling parents.

 

I would love to have a good camera and learn photography even video. God, I can't believe in less than a month I'm graduating and moving. But I will be ok. Concentrate on finding a job or two preferably in my field and saving some money. I will be okay. I'm strong.

[silversoul]

It's ok to care about myself first. It's not selfish, it's necessary. I'm a good persona and I deserve good things, self-love and self-respect. I don't need to bend trying to please other people and attempting to appear nice. It's ok to make my own plans and do what I WANT AND NEED TO DO. I don't strive to be nice and kind. I've had enough of that. I'm aiming to be compassionate, strong, fair and self-respectful. My happiness and my feelings are my own business and priority. I won't let anyone influence that. I don't expect anything of anyone and I don't depend on anyone for anything.

[silversoul]

Just broke up with M. feel so sad. I really liked him so much. Just want to cry all day long. I don't what went wrong and I just want to message him and say can we meet and hug him. But I deserve more. I deserve to be happy. I did the right thing even if it's so hard now. He himself said that he's not the bf material atm. I'm so tired of these men not being there for, not loving me enough, I'm tired of this BS. I'm fricking tired. I just want to feel loved. I know I can love and care about a person. Where's that decent person? I'm truly done. I don't even want to chat with my male acquaintances. Just leave me alone, for god's sake if you are just going to hurt me. Don't make me fall for you and then say that you are not a bf material sorry. I'm so done. I just don't want anyone anymore.

[silversoul]

Emailed my counselor. Should have done this ages ago. Will be my saving grace. I needed her help badly. Thank god for this.

[silversoul]

You cannot depend on anyone. So depend only on yourself. Hate my parents for controlling me all my life and not letting me make my choices. As a result of these choices, me not being able to fully embrace my life and decisions, I need their help. And where they are now, when I need help? Nowhere to be seen.

 

Please, anyone if you have kids, let them live their life, let them grow up, don't hinder their independence.

 

I can only depend on myself.

[silversoul]

Don't trust people too much. Don't do too much for someone you barely know and who wouldn't do the same for you. Be polite but aloof. Keep your guard.