silversoul Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I decided to start this journal to help me to keep focus on my life instead of ruminating over what happened. I can be my worst enemy at times so I hopefully when I write things out, I'll be able to stop my self-defeating patterns. I find it really hard to make decisions lately and end up doing nothing. If I write down my plans, it may help me to stick to them instead of deciding not to do anything at the last minute and staying inside and getting sad and depressed over and over. go to the gym 4 times make it at least to one mindfullness meditation session practice playing the instrument every day for 20-30 mins go hiking Unfortunately, my next counselling session is only on 7 March, and I find myself a bit restless and anxious. Thought of getting a counsellor which I can see weekly but I can't really afford it at the moment because I'm already paying for my personal training and music lessons. I'm also starting a 4 week course on managing low mood in March and I will see how I feel after that and if I don't improve I will reconsider and get the counsellor even though it's expensive. Because of the money issues I can't go shopping any more or get myself make-up and small things like that, but I guess in the long run it's better for me to invest in myself rather than those superficial small things which offer only a small and temporary fix. Now I'm determined to make long-term changes. I really like my counsellor and I wish I could delve into my deeper issues with her but I don't feel like I can really do that with her since it's a free service. I can possibly get free counselling from the doctor but it probably will take ages of waiting and I just can't be bothered. I really like my personal trainer, he's really friendly and motivating. I think I'll have great results if I keep doing all the work. My body was so sore all last week, now I feel better and can't wait to go the gym again. I need to cut out unnecessary carbs and sugars too, they make me feel so restless and tired. Same with my music tutor, great guy, same age as me so feels great. I'm looking forward to the day I can play really well. My fingers are in blisters but getting more stretchy and it's really exciting after all these years to be able to play again. Only this time I have motivation and it's not like when in childhood when the lessons felt like a chore. I found these great online lessons link removed I'll look into these courses too. Last week I read a Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. While it's a great book, it was a bit overwhelming, it made me feel restless and anxious. Like I have all the burden of the world on my shoulders. It's too much for me at the moment. I've already read so many self-help books and they just make me feel overdramatic and emotional, so I shouldn't read them any more. I really miss my family and my best friend. Things would be much easier if they were here but I guess I'm learning to be strong and independent. I think I was to an extent but I didn't enjoy it nor was I happy. I really want to be this time. No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength.” — Jack Kerouac Over the years of living on my own I've grown even more introverted and solitary though, I just feel like I don't need new connections. I love hanging out with interesting people but never seem to develop it into a different level. Sometimes it feels like it's too much, and you have to choose between your work and building relationships. I don't know why I feel so overdramatic and sentimental recently. I've always been that way I guess and the last events didn't help of course. I wish I could just chill. I need to develop this optimistic and positive attitude in myself. I bet life would be so much easier with the right frame of mind. I loved this article and need to reread it from time to time link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Why can't you get to the deeper issues because it is a free service? The cost of the service is not the point. The point is you have the service so use it. My counseling is also free. I use it to the max. I have gone over EVERYTHING with my counselor. That is the point of getting help, yes? You HAVE to get to the nitty gritty issues to be helped or it is kind of wasting time, yes? I am not criticizing but just telling you the cost of the service is not really the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Hi Victoria, unfortunately they can only provide a certain number of sessions and I've been using the service since November. I'm pretty sure the meeting in March will be the last one with her. I wouldn't feel comfortable opening up when I'm not able to see her regularly. So far it has been only about my break-up and now that I'm in a much better place, I don't think they will grant me more sessions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Awww I am sorry. But if you have the opportunity next time even if it is free I would use it to the full advantage. My service is free because I have a military spouse. It is one of the advantages that the base provides people for free. ( well not exactly free you understand because people's taxes pay for it) I'm sure you're very grateful as I am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 I'm very grateful. To be honest, it was fascinating how on the day the closest person betrayed and mistreated you, these people I didn't even know were so kind to help me immediately and provide the counselling on the exact day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 I should stop doubting myself. I'm a whole person. I won't let my past experiences affect my sense of self-worth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Perhaps I should go to the gym every day. It surely makes me feel better. I wish I could go on a holiday right now, hiking somewhere alone crossing countries' borders. Need to call a friend tomorrow, I keep reminding myself and not doing that. I also should limit listening to music to the time when I work out and run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted February 21, 2014 Author Share Posted February 21, 2014 In moments of great pain you get such a clarity of vision and perspective. Things become crystal clear. I'm so thankful for what I have and to all the kind people I have known. I pray that I won't bring such a pain on anyone. I never should forget this pain. Remembering it, I will always stay humble, kind and brave. Focus on the positives. A friend brought me soup even though she had to take it with her on a bus haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 Ugh I really need to go to the gym more often, it's only 3 months till my run! I didn't make it to the mindfulness session because I confused the time, maybe I'll be able this week. Despite that I don't have a lot of money due to being a student, I decided to get some private counselling. I feel I need it, so I'm not stuck in this hole any more. I just want to be a completely different person from the one I used to be. Completely. I will dye my hair when it gets a bit warmer and will let it grow looong-long. I just feel time flies but I'm frozen in my situation unable to get out of it. Thank god, it's a spring in several days. How nice it would be when it's warmer and sunnier. Time of change and growth. I will make sure that's it's the same for me. Hope that I will fix my crazy sleeping patterns this week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 I had such a great day hiking today. It was brutal, 22 km long, something which I've not done before and the weather was crazy: rain, wind, mud and paddles everywhere. I was wet even though I had all the right hiking gear. It was a small group of people and I genuinely enjoyed interaction with them. The leader was really kind and interesting to talk to. Since I was less fit and because I was the only woman in the group, there really took care of me. When we reached to the top and got to the shelter, K. gave me a cup of tea. Damn, it was the best cup of tea I ever had because I was drinking in the middle of a crazy wind and rain. Then I started laughing and couldn't stop. After 30 seconds of laughing for no reason, I start crying. I think it was a release from all the tension and pain I experienced during these last months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted June 20, 2014 Author Share Posted June 20, 2014 I came such a long way since my break-up. I had around 12 therapy sessions end also did a 5 week course on improving self-esteem. I learned about the bad impact of my childhood upon my self-esteem and I learned coping mechanisms. I learned that it is ok to feel negative emotions. It's OK to be scared and have fears but what one must do is act despite them. The course I attended had a CBT approach and the leader taught as an experiment with writing down our anxious fears and predictions and seeing whether they really come occur and if they do whether we underestimate our ability to cope. I've learned a lot and need to continue practising these experiments. I strive to be emotionally and physically healthy. I. doesn't have time for me now and I don't want a half-hearted thing so I blocked him. I have also decided to become a minimalist after reading link removed Why do I want to become a minimalist? To not constantly want new things thinking they will make me feel happier To concentrate on the important things in my life instead of earning for materialistic stuff and comparing myself against others. To appreciate and treasure what I already have instead of a never-ending pursuit of things that supposedly make me feel more beautiful, skinnier, happier, efficient, whatever. I'm enough and what I have is already enough. To use money more efficiently and spend it on things and experiences that I really want and need. How will I do it: I will only buy things which are necessary for me. Think twice, thrice and really consider whether I need that thing. Most likely, I don't. E.g., I know for sure, that I don't need another cute floral notebook or a top worth £10. However, I need a new sports bra because I will use it and use a lot. I will only buy a necessary thing of a good quality even if it means paying more. E.g. if I want a denim jacket, it's better to buy a Levis and if I want hiking boots, I better buy good ones. I will spend money on experiences. E.g. it is better to take those swimming classes I wanted for long than to spend it on pizza or overpriced muffins from Starbucks. I will buy groceries at the cheaper supermarket and won't buy stuff I won't eat. I will repay my debt and still able to have my experiences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 So I had a conversation with I. today. He seems to be so sexist and I don't like how he already takes me for granted. We were skyping and he was clipping his nails in front of me. I thought it was a bit disrespectful and not attractive at all. He relocated me to a friend position again. I don't like his flakiness and it's for the better that we agreed not to talk and Skype. I blocked him on Skype and Whatsapp and if he's really interested, he will call me. I want to be courted, I'm young and I want some romance in my life. Otherwise, why do I need him? Conversations with him are not particularly interesting or enlightening yet I'm somehow attracted to him. Maybe it's my codependency, clinging to the first guy who gave me a lot of attention or liking the idea of a future relationship with him. The latter is certainly true, I was imagining how would it be like getting married to him etc. But seems he is a commitmentphobe hence my relocation to a 'friend' position again. I'm young and I don't need to hurry anyway. Yes, attention from him is nice. I'm only a human and I like when a person of opposite sex calls or messages me. But he can't offer me something I want, the stability of a relationship, he doesn't give me an exact date or he doesn't tell me whether we will meet. Well, find someone else then. I don't want to be kept on a hold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 Lately I waste so much time doing things which are not important for, perhaps because I'm really stressed about my thesis and I just can't seem to start writing it. Waiting for perfect conditions, procrastinating and distracting myself to not feel stressed. I need to become genuinely interested in it again and start on it. It's ok to focus only on it, I don't need to be worrying about not getting enough exercise as I used to, or eating perfectly clean. I can't do everything, I'm only a human. I messed up my sleeping pattern big time as well. Hope to fix it. Not having enough money, not having anyone around me is hard but I should do what needs to be done. Next month I need to be more careful with my spending. Worrying about things just makes me stressed, instead of counting days and worrying and planning, I should just work. Why don't I respect myself enough as to keep to my own deadlines and plans? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted June 29, 2014 Author Share Posted June 29, 2014 I know I have a hard time prioritizing my needs. The consequence of my troubled upbringing is that I often feel guilty saying no and end up doing things which I really don't want to. Then I bottle this inside and pretend to be happy. Now I know that I should prioritize myself and my needs over anyone but change takes place. This one of the reasons I want to stay single for a while. Until I know who I am and what I want, I don't want to be distracted by someone and potentially being mould into someone who I'm not because of me trying to accommodate and adopting the traits that will make them like and accept me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 I've came a long way and I'm proud of myself. I intend to continue to be self-aware and noticing patterns about myself. Before I couldn't even accept compliments. Now I can. That's a great improvement and I pat myself on my back for that. I will continue to accept compliments with a smile and a thank you. The next step is not to downplay myself in any way. I do it by exclaiming 'Oh I'm so fat or I feel so fat'. Looking for validation. Of course they will say 'you are not fat'. Which I know. The question is why I'm looking for validation? It seems like I need a reassurance that I'm enough, that I'm accepted. People won't always give you compliments so I shouldn't be dependent on them. Moreover, what matters more is my own opinion. I know that I'm good enough. I don't know why I worry about my looks and people not admiring me enough.Of course like everyone I want to feel loved. But I don't want to be dependent on my looks. They are not as important as my spirit is. I think it's good that I've realised this now when I'm still young. Youth and beauty are not the most important things and losing them is natural and doesn't have to make me sad as long as I live authentically and fully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 By the way, to anyone reading this journal - sorry about some possible wrong choices of words; english is not my native language. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 I love summer. I'v realised how much I love nature and outdoors. I want to be in the sun, get tanned, go on the adventures. Ahhh, can't wait. I'm so burned out and unmotivated after 4 years of uni. I just need this final push and I'm done. I'm not even sure if I would like to continue in academia. I love it but then there are so many other interesting and challenging things you could do. But then I love the complexity and challenge studying presents you. I will update my thesis progress here. After it's done I will go on adventures in the mountains in the north and will go to the beaches in the south. AHHHHHHHHH. CANNOT WAIT. time to have tea and write some words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 I don't know how to listen. This makes me sad. Time to learn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 15, 2014 Author Share Posted July 15, 2014 Today I'm grateful for: Nicely cleaned room Fresh bedding My healthy and able body My loved ones are all healthy and safely asleep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Good morning! Just had a nice egg sandwich and about to have a cup of coffee with a cookie. Eating some protein every morning is definitely a new good habit of mine. I love my body, I'm getting fitter, stronger and can actually see muscle now! It feels so good to be in control of your body. I appreciate my body and all it can do for me. As a child I was never encouraged to participate in sports, though I had roller skates. I think when parents are not themselves particularly active, it's unlikely that the child will be. If I have children, I'll make sure that they take part in many sports. It boosts confidence and helps to develop healthy self-esteem. When I see parents treating their children with a lot of love and praise, I inevitably think how could have I turned out to be if my was brought up the same way. But this is not a healthy way of thinking, I can't constantly keep referring to the past and comparing my childhood with others. Yes, it's sad and heartbreaking all that I had to go through: my parents' constant arguments, abuse, not being loved. But I can't change this. Yes, I'm the way I'm because of these events. But I can change bits I don't like about myself. I can't keep stuck in the past. I can only accept it and I do accept it. From now on I will make an effort to stop myself when I notice whatifs in my thoughts again. This quote raised this issue for me: One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us. Michael Cibenko. It's time to live. It's uncomfortable and hard, but I can do this. I love myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 You’ll spend a significant portion of your life in search of love in many different forms, and it’s only one day that you’ll realize you’re thirsty and swimming in the middle of an ocean. You either drink or keep suffering. You either start seeing the love that’s around you or it will never be enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 Yesterday M. invited me to a dinner and also a rock climbing session afterwards. I had a really enjoyable evening. It was a beautiful location and the sunset was gorgeous. I obviously promised myself not to bother about guys but every time I do it, someone appears. I think I will keep seeing him as I feel I can learn a lot from him and anyway I'm going away soon. He has so many activities, interests, it's just very inspirational. I'm myself awakening from inertia I was in all these years, so it's nice to have someone like that along to remind me what I really want. A. is also like that, active, curious, knowledgeable. I'm grateful for these two after a number my ex did on me. Don't want to appear shallow, but M. is handsome, he looks a bit like Keaton Henson, but much better. Not that it's important for me, but it's nice just to look at him. I'm learning to stop doubting myself. I want to believe myself 100%. I also like pushing myself. I do it in the gym. It makes me feel much better about myself and boosts my confidence. Plus, it's so nice to be stronger than majority of people You can't help but feel slightly superior. I'm joking but honestly it's nice to run after the bus or upstairs without passing out. Also, if anyone attacks me, I have a good chance being able to run away or fight them back. Earlier exercise was just a means for me to get fit. I thought all my problems would disappear when I lose weight. I'm more confident but inside is all the same. Now I'm starting to view fitness and exercise as hobby, as something that makes me feel good, makes me stronger, makes me push myself, makes me believe in myself. I really really wish more people view sports and exercise as something they can do and enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 I'm grateful for this nice summer afternoon yummy latte love of my friends and family all the nice people in the world who I met and yet to meet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 Everyone loves differently You can never fully know how other person feels about you You are in control of your decisions and your life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silversoul Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 I had a good conversation with M. today. Starting to feel some kind of connection with him. Miss him and want to cuddle. I have this weird allergy again. Talked to I. He was quite nice. Listed a bunch of things for sale on ebay. Hopefully at least something sells. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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