My trying to have a baby journal

[Batya33]

Good attitude! I wanted to add that I made sure my multivitamin had enough folic acid and I ate foods that contained it as well. Also cut way down on diet soda and none during pregnancy or when I thought I might be. I should add that before I knew I was I consumed one diet coke and one glass of wine and took one stomach medication during that month I didn't know. Wasn't happy that I'd done that but (of course) I was fine. I tested 7 days after the missed period. I was almost 42.

[petite]

I think that's much easier with toddlers and younger kids than newborns, and that's what I tend to witness with mothers around me. I had a very active social life but found it a huge adjustment when my daughter was born. It isn't as simple as sticking a baby in a sling if they are cranky, and they need (I believe) a set schedule of when to eat and sleep instead of just doing it whenever and having a completely messed up life staying up nights, not getting sleep and so on. Some babies are also more difficult and fussier than others. It's also a huge adjustment on the mothers body, physically, emotionally and you really need time to get used to having a little human depend on you 24/7.

 

I certainly am not one to be a slave to my child, but I think first time mothers do find it a huge adjustment especially if they had a particular lifestyle. It isn't like you can just go and have a bath for an hour without thinking of when it would be the best time. We only got our heads above water around 5-6 weeks and were able to go out and leave the baby with someone else for longer than an two hours.

 

I have to disagree about interesting parents raising interesting children. I know so many dull parents while their children are completely the opposite, or interesting parents and socially awkward and dull children. My friend's parents live in the country, lead a very simple lifestyle and are completely content, while their daughter is one of the most interesting people a person can meet -- well traveled, has two degrees, has a great career, some of her hobbies range from rock climbing to belly dancing, sewing and surfing.

 

I don't know whether I'd enjoy play dates, I probably wouldn't ant to be around people I don't like or have nothing in common with, I'd rather hang out with my friends that have kids, but some people don't have friends with kids or live in places where in order for their children to socialize with their peers do have to resort to boring play dates with mothers they mightn't like.

 

I'm not saying parents have to live just for their children, but I do think it's a two-way street and sometimes you do things which you might not like. My friend hates going to recitals, she finds them absolutely boring, but she goes because of her girls.

[Catherine_3]

Some things you can do with kids that you couldn't do without them:

 

Babies

 

1. Mom and baby yoga class

2. Baby massage class

3. Tibetan mothers bathe their babies outside and let them bask in the gentle morning sun. Try some variation of this. Follow with a full body massage and baby stretching.

4. Strap them in the baby bjorn and go for a 2 hour long walk every afternoon. Incorporate your passions, whether they're photography, shopping, coffee or cupcakes.

5. Write in a baby book at least once a month. Tell cute stories that they'll laugh at when they're adults.

6. Take lots of vacations! Once they turn 2 they pay for their plane tickets. Before 2, they're free (or almost free). Take full advantage. Travel is good for children of all ages. And breastfed babies are divine on planes.

7. Make friends with new moms you have stuff in common with. Meet up on a regular basis for sushi, eggs benedict, jogging with baby strollers, gossiping over espressos.

8. Take an online course in child psychology. Or read the book "Welcome to Your Child's Brain".

9. Go on a weekend trip with a couple girlfriends and their babies. Not only will you have fun, but the babies will bond and hopefully make friendships that last a lifetime.

10. Get a membership at the art gallery and hang out there. (This was my baby's favorite place in the world, I think because it was so quiet and peaceful.)

11. Instead of hanging out at the mall (which SO many moms do and I think it's dreadful but then, I hate malls), now that you have lots of time on your hands, go to the outdoor market to buy your fruits and veggies, find a good local butcher, a fancy imported cheese store, become intimately familiar with all the tea shops in your city, and best of all, now that you're cutting back your wine consumption to barely-nothing, you can afford to drink really expensive wine! Discover the good wine shops in your city.

 

Toddlers plus

 

1. Take horseback riding classes together

2. Take an art class together at your local art gallery

3. Find a child-friendly local cafe that has live music on a Friday night. Go with the kids and husband.

4. Get a piano (best toy ever - they never get tired of it)

5. Take them to classical concerts, orchestra, live theatre, opera, ballet (make sure they can behave properly enough for the event, and if they can't, your theatre/concert hall likely has an enclosed glass room you can sit in until they're old enough to be still and quiet)

6. Go wall climbing

7. Teach them to bake. (My 6 year old can make muffins and cookies by herself, other than the oven part. She has the recipe memorised. Now we're working on croissants and macarons.)

8. When you go grocery shopping, give them the job of picking out one item for the food bank. (Do you have that? Where you can donate non-perishable food for families in need?)

9. Volunteer together, or let your child organize a fundraising event

10. Learn mandarin together

11. Teach them to be good hosts/hostesses by organizing brunch parties for their friends.

12. Let them have their own garden. They can plant whatever they want, but they have to research it and they have to take care of it. For the research, visit a local Japanese garden if you have one.

13. Get them involved in the voting process. My kids have come with me to vote in every single federal, provincial and municipal election since they were born. We learn about the candidates together and voting day is a really big event for us. They LOVE it. Earlier this week my daughter was chosen to visit city hall and she got to meet the mayor. We're in a major city so that's a real privilege. She felt so proud and excited.

14. Surf together. (This is what my fantasies are made of. I follow blogs of surfer mamas and I dream of living by the ocean. As a compromise, I make sure I surf on vacation. But if I lived by the ocean and was a decent surfer, I would be taking my kids out.)

15. Take them out for steak and lobster dinners. No, really. There's no reason kids have to eat chicken nuggets and fries when you go out.

16. At the playground, actually play! The monkey bars are an awesome workout.

 

...I could go on and on. But your list will be different than mine. The important thing is that their lives revolve around you and your interests. You're there to show them the world through your eyes. And it's an incredible experience because what you'll end up with is these little human beings who understand you on a level that nobody else could possibly understand you.

 

Don't worry - you can still go on vacations and go out for dinner. (I don't know what it's like where you live, but in Mexico (off-resort), the families all come out after dark and they go to restaurants, go to the town square, go to the beach... And they stay out until midnight or later! I love that lifestyle.) The only thing you really have to give up is drinking. That's it. But what you GAIN is exponentially more.

[Catherine_3]

I think that's much easier with toddlers and younger kids than newborns

 

Not to scare you or anything, but from my experience it got worse when they were toddlers, then it gets better.

 

It isn't as simple as sticking a baby in a sling if they are cranky, and they need (I believe) a set schedule of when to eat and sleep instead of just doing it whenever and having a completely messed up life staying up nights, not getting sleep and so on.

 

We have different approaches to this, and that's fine of course. Also every child is different. In more traditional cultures, from African to Asia to native North and South Americans, they normally strap their babies to their backs and go about their business, and there is a lot of research that this is healthy because it re-creates the womb environment. There is also research to support the idea that breastfed babies should feed on demand, not on schedule.

 

But whatever works for your child, great. I know I did need a schedule just to keep me sane, otherwise I would feel quite aimless and unfulfilled at times.

 

I certainly am not one to be a slave to my child, but I think first time mothers do find it a huge adjustment especially if they had a particular lifestyle. It isn't like you can just go and have a bath for an hour without thinking of when it would be the best time. We only got our heads above water around 5-6 weeks and were able to go out and leave the baby with someone else for longer than an two hours.

 

Absolutely, it's an adjustment.

 

My friend hates going to recitals, she finds them absolutely boring, but she goes because of her girls.

 

That's both awful and sweet, lol.

[petite]

Not to scare you or anything, but from my experience it got worse when they were toddlers, then it gets better.

 

 

 

We have different approaches to this, and that's fine of course. Also every child is different. In more traditional cultures, from African to Asia to native North and South Americans, they normally strap their babies to their backs and go about their business, and there is a lot of research that this is healthy because it re-creates the womb environment. There is also research to support the idea that breastfed babies should feed on demand, not on schedule.

 

But whatever works for your child, great. I know I did need a schedule just to keep me sane, otherwise I would feel quite aimless and unfulfilled at times.

 

 

 

Absolutely, it's an adjustment.

 

 

 

That's both awful and sweet, lol.

 

In those places the women also tended to be stay at home mothers, with land to care for and lead very different lifestyles to say a mother in San Fransisco or Toronto, especially working mothers.

Unfortunately unless you have your child strapped to you all time it's very hard to breastfeed them on demand. It would drive me nuts if I had to live never knowing when I might have 1 hour free to have a shower and do some things that need to be done. It was/is simpler for people in those countries because they tended to have older children to care of their younger siblings, or their parents and siblings lives close by and could help out.

These days people are scattered all over the world. My mother in-law is in one country I in another. Unless I pay someone to look after my child I can't be certain that someone will have the time to help out. Thankfully my mother is close by and willing to help, but a lot of people don't have that luck. Really it's comparing apples and oranges because we lead such much more complex lives based on our locations.

 

Not to scare you or anything, but from my experience it got worse when they were toddlers, then it gets better.

I've heard so many varying stories that I think until it happens it would be hard to tell, not all toddlers are the same. My eldest niece was a nightmare as a toddler, the youngest completely opposite.

[Catherine_3]

Whatever works best for you, go ahead and do it. You baby will be fine regardless, as long as you don't do this:

 

 

 

Haha, I love that picture!

[Circe]

Yeah - I've been trying to do it by having the green smoothies from boost juice and by putting the veggies in food in a way i'm less likely to notice (like chopping up a lot of spinach and putting it in my omlette for breakfast. It gets harder with the vegetables with more noticeable tastes though. I really want to get into broccoli but that's a hard one for me. I have to start by chopping up one or two bits and sprinkling it into my pasta or something I think...

[Circe]

That's definitely the attitude I'm hoping I'll end up taking - but we'll have to see what actually ends up happening! I'm lucky that I have a lot of friends (actually wives of my husband's friends) that have toddlers.. the problem is I'm not that close to any of them at the moment (but that can always change on my initiating stuff in the future) and their kids are about 1-3yrs already.. but still - not too much of a gap and they'll probably be trying for the second soon anyway - so that's a good thing!!

[Circe]

Good attitude! I wanted to add that I made sure my multivitamin had enough folic acid and I ate foods that contained it as well. Also cut way down on diet soda and none during pregnancy or when I thought I might be. I should add that before I knew I was I consumed one diet coke and one glass of wine and took one stomach medication during that month I didn't know. Wasn't happy that I'd done that but (of course) I was fine. I tested 7 days after the missed period. I was almost 42.

 

Actually, Batya - even though I know all women's bodies are very different and you can't rely on one person's story - recently when I have been worried about whether I've left it too late - I thought of you and it gave me a lot of comfort and reminded me not to focus on just the people who've had trouble because that's not representative of everyone out there..

 

I used to be a pepsi max (diet soft drink) addict - luckily - I've cut that out completely for months now. I used to love wine but I've gone off it a bit - and from March, when we start trying - I'll stop altogether except on days I have my period (I assume that's ok). My friends will just have to understand. I like the occasional coffee - but not an addict so I know I can give that up. I've been working on drinking water. This is a bit of a chore for me because my usual habit is to drink ZERO water. Really crap habit (especially since it thickens your blood - and having had a blood clot - I really need to stay hydrated at the very least). So now I have to constantly remind myself to drink it. But that's not too hard - I just have to keep remembering...

[Batya33]

When I was pregnant I had to drink at least 11 glasses of water a day -I started it at 7-8am and finished by 5 - and I actually wanted it. Do you work out ? If so, that's a great time to do the water.

[Circe]

Some things you can do with kids that you couldn't do without them:

 

 

Ohhh those are great ideas! I'm looking forward to the long walks! The baby book is also a great idea. I did developmental psych (i.e. child psych - or baby psych, really) as part of my degree - absolutely fascinating - amaaaazing how much they learn and develop in the early stages...

 

And I'm really looking forward to hopefully bonding with some of the women in my life that are sort of friends but not close at the moment - if they're in that stage too - or even the couples with the little kids. We still see them but I suspect it'll be a whole different connection if we had a baby too..

[Batya33]

In my experience I found that just because a woman and I had kids around the same age didn't mean we'd connect in the least -and by contrast one of my new close friends (we moved to a different city when my child was 6 months old) has no children. At first I was a little disappointed but then it made sense to me - I shouldn't assume I'd have anything meaningful in common with someone just because we both had a child or "click" in that way. When I did meet moms I connected with the fact that we both had a child only enhanced it. I also should add that I think it's important for a child, once socializing with peers is important (probably around 3) to have as many of those opportunities as possible, so I'll make playdates even if I don't really click with the mom for my child's sake. (And because he is an only child).

[Seraphim]

You will be just fine. You will find your rhythm of motherhood. And you will find those people that you have things in common with. I know it is hard not to stress. Just relax and believe in yourself and your skills and talents. Everyone's journey of motherhood is different and no less valid or powerful.

[Circe]

Blood tests & my cousin's weird reaction

 

This morning I went to have blood tests to see what immunizations I already have and which ones I'll need. Does anyone know if my husband needs to get this done too? I asked my GP - but his response - I just wasn't sure he really knew the answer. (He's a lovely man but I'm not quite sure he's the most skilled GP in the world)

 

We haven't told too many people in real life that we're thinking of trying for a baby soon. I've mentioned it to my mother in law (there was a specific reason I did this - but - in addition to that... I kinda am confused about how she feels about the idea of us having a baby. Now my parents are dying for it to happen - so I'm not going to tell them we're trying - no point getting their hopes up until there's news ... But my MIL.. I just don't get it. My BIL says she absolutely wants grandkids.. and she does love kids and babies.. but.. I get this feeling she isn't thrilled about the idea of us having them yet. It's because whenever I casually mention the idea of kids in the future - she says absolutely nothing. And the lady is NOT afraid to voice her thoughts/opinions/feelings/needs. So, I'm still trying to sus that out - for my own curiosity's sake).

 

I've also told one very trusted friend. I'll have to tell another (to explain why I can't get drunk on red wine with her - unless I'm having my period! That's unfortunately become our way of bonding/spending time together - she's a huge wine drinker).

 

But that'll be it. Except - my cousin. She's younger than me by 2 years. She's married. We are both only children. She lives really close. Her husband wants loads of kids - at least 3 - asap. She's always said she wants kids - but only 2 - and wants to put it off as much as she can. Recently she found that she is pre-diabetic and has PCOS. Now she wants to have them soon too - but she can't because she has to have surgery and get a few things treated before they can try and she knows it will be difficult.

 

When I mentioned my frustrations with trying to get in to see a particular OBGYN - she said .. wait - let me actually quote it (this happened on FB):

 

HER: "Your pregnant??????"

 

I explained, no, it's just for a pre-natal before we start trying

 

HER: "Ohh exciting! So you want kids now? I remember last we spoke you didn't?"

 

Ok.. that sounds fine, right? Except here's the thing... she has said exactly the same thing - on the last THREE occasions that we've spoken. So for many years - I said I either didn't want kids - or wasn't sure I wanted them. However, I've been changing my mind for a while now. She and I have had three different conversations where I've talked about what I'd need to do to prepare - and she's said "but you don't want kids" - and I've explained how I changed my mind. We've had the same conversation three times.

 

I HATE re-explaining it to her - because I feel a bit stupid about how I used to always say so dog-eardly "I don't want kids". I know it's silly to feel this way - but I actually feel really embarassed about changing my mind - I totally know how silly that is. Of course people change their minds - esp about pregnancy. But I feel like an idiot that I used to say so adamantly that I didn't want them. So I don't like explaining over, and over and over - to the same person - how I've changed my mind.

 

So again... I found myself - trying to justify why I said I didn't want them. Dumb thing to do on my part. I should have just said "yeah, I used to feel that way - now I do want them." end of story. But of course - I didn't. I started going on and on about how anxious I used to get about all the things that could go wrong if you had a kid. I started saying that I tend to be a very stressed out person. I gave the examples of how stressed I was on our recent holiday. How stressed I was the morning we got married (I even fainted).

 

it's true - I do stress. But the fact is - I stress - and then I get over it. I always find a way to deal eventually - usually sooner than later - and stress has never stopped me from doing what I want or need to do or debilitated me in any way.

 

So ... after I go on this huge justification of how stressed I used to be - and THATS why I used to say I didnt want kids - not because I didn't want them.. she says:

 

HER: "If you get this stressed do you think kids are for you? Kids will be stressful always"

HER: "But if you are that bad when it comes to stress.. I.e. wedding day ...Maybe kids is not for you?...Kids can't be undone..."

 

Ok ... initially - that reaction upset me quite a bit. I now see - now that I'm writing this out - that she probably didn't mean anything by it and it was probably a natural thing for her to say since I'd just gone on a tirade about how stressed I get to try and justify the fact that I'd changed my mind.

 

But at the time I read it - I thought she was trying to discourage me - or that she had a negative attitude about it - or that she thought I wouldnt make a good parent.

 

It unnerved me because - she's my cousin, she doesn't know me as well as some people do, but she knows me enough - if she doesn't think I'd be any good - maybe there's truth to that? (that was just a niggling doubt - i dont take too seriously - overall I'd be as good a mum as I can be and I'm not too worried about that at this stage).

 

But mostly it was just "why on earth are you being so negative??"

 

With the stress thing - she was so stressed out during her entire engagement period - that she got sick over and over and over. Really sick. And it was because of stress. So in my mind, I'm thinking "you get just as, if not more stressed, - if stress doesn't stop you from trying for kids - why should it stop me?"

 

That was really the main thing annoying me in my mind.

 

It annoyed me so much, I decided her response had to be about Her - and not me. So I thought - maybe she's feeling nervous and pressured and scared (her husband really wants kids - she wants them in the future at least - but with these medical issues she's got - it could be quite hard - so maybe having her closest relative starting to try might freak her out a bit and make her feel pressured a bit).

 

And I tried to understand in that way.

 

But now that I've written this out - I was probably over-reacting with those feelings. Maybe it was a sensible thing for her to say, given what I'd just said to her. Still.. how can she have forgotten that we'd had the same conversation three times already?

 

I get there's a lot going on with her - but it wasn't once we'd spoken about it - three times PRIOR to that time. Same conversation.

 

I think the annoyance I'm feeling is also coloured by our history. I've always had a close sometimes - distant others - relationship with her because she's a bit of a pot stirrer. That's the nicest way I can put it. She likes to say (to me and all her friends) stuff that.. really puts them on the spot - in a way that isn't really polite. Or say you have a secret you'd rather people not know - and its obvious that it's a secret - she'll make huge allusions or hints about it- or just say it out loud - in front of the wrong people. It's just how she is. She's not a nasty person. I've always thought of her as "naughty". And even though she's 29 now.. she's still the same. So I think that view of her probably colours how I interpret anything she says.

[Seraphim]

Just refused to discuss it. Nobody can discuss things with you that you refuse to discuss. Right? Just say ,"I've rehashed this already . End of. " Then change the subject.

[Circe]

Just refused to discuss it. Nobody can discuss things with you that you refuse to discuss. Right? Just say ,"I've rehashed this already . End of. " Then change the subject.

 

Yeah.. the next time it happens (and as CRAZY as it is for it to happen again - since it would then be the 5th time she says "last time we spoke you didn't want kids") .. I think it will happen again (if it can happen 4 times.. surely it can happen a 5th) ... that's what I'll do. I'll say "yup, I do." And - not discuss it. Unless she brings it up (i.e brings up what processes I'm going through, what obgyn advice was etc - if that might help her when she starts trying).

[OptomisticGirl]

People will react like that, generally when they want what you are trying to get if that makes sense. It's just jealousy talking (at least when they say things like that). I remember that same tone/feeling of people's responses to me about when L and I got married in relation to how long we had known each other. As Vic said, let it be water off a duck's back.

[Batya33]

Just refused to discuss it. Nobody can discuss things with you that you refuse to discuss. Right? Just say ,"I've rehashed this already . End of. " Then change the subject.

 

Completely agree and resist the urge to share details of your pregnancy with her when your turn comes -because she'll find a way to stir the pot as you said. Even if she shares with you when she's pregnant, don't reciprocate. Nothing -nothing! -made me crazier than a friend of my husband's who made comments that seemed innocuous but basically triggered anxiety for me about my developing baby (we were pregnant at the same time). Just avoid it - especially when your hormones are haywire. Good luck.

[Circe]

Yeah - definitely good advice. You want people you can trust to talk to about something like this - and you want to think family can be trusted - but that's just not how it is. Whether it's intentional or not - she's definitely not the right person to share with on this topic.

 

OG - the weird thing is - when that's the reason (their own insecurities, worries, jealousies etc - and I'm not completely sure with my cousin - but I totally hear you on the getting married thing) - they don't even realize it. I'm sure that a lot of the nay-sayers who Are motivated by their own insecurities truly don't realise that. It's a very hard thing to own up to what your own fears are. Especially when a very real fear is not just "I may not have X in my life" but "I may not have X while she/he has X". You might be able to own up to the first thing but how incredibly hard is it to own up to the second? Noone wants to feel jealous - esp of people they are supposed to care about. It's very tricky.

[Seraphim]

The thing is unintentionally or intentionally we filter what happens to other people through our own experience. A lot of the time most people will try to look beyond their own filter. But sometimes you come accross people who can't look beyond that filter. And those people can be family and sometimes even dear friends. This is when we have to erect certain boundaries and that is perfectly okay.

[redrose85]

I am just going to keep it all quiet until it’s happened and it sticks. Thing is, everyone is going to have an opinion and it’s going to cause stress--un-needed stress-- Your cousin is the kind of high-maintenance one, right?

[Circe]

Yeah - you could certainly say that!

 

Ok - so blood tests indicated I could have thyroid issues so the GP wants to do more tests to see if it is a potential issue and if so send me off to a specialist as thyroid issues can cause irregular periods - not the best when trying to get preg.

 

The good news is my period came back today - it seems I skipped one full cycle. Hopefully that's because of travel stress and not thyroid issues!

[Catherine_3]

Hope everything is fine. Sounds like its just due diligence though. You've been regular up to last month.

[Circe]

^^ yeah, exactly. No word on that yet (won't find out till end of week).

 

I went to the dentist today. First time in 20yrs (except for when I had wisdom teeth removed). It was awful. The experience itself was fine - but I found out (surprise, surprise) that there is a lot that needs to be done - and there is some decay which means that I MAY need to have a root canal or get my back tooth removed.

 

All in all - it's not a total disaster but I really, really, really wish I hadn't put off seeing a dentist for so long. It's always the case with medical stuff. It's so important to have regular checks .. keeping your head in the sand won't make your problems disappear.

 

So.. my first proper appointment to start the work I need is this Friday. Which also happens to be my five year anniversary. Apparently I'll be fine for dinner - nothing too painful on the first appointment.

 

My breathing is the same - can't take really deep breaths. Pretty sure it's anxiety (health related stuff - anything that has come up or Could come up - really scares me now).

 

I wonder if you can find it hard to breathe if you bra doesn't fit you properly? Like if it's too tight or something?

 

And speaking of procrastination.. I really need to find myself a phd topic soon ... but I'm putting off doing the reading. I like reading but I worry that I won't be able to find a new topic to research - and because I worry I won't be able to do that - I'm putting off the trying.

 

I start my postgraduate study this year at a different university. I'm so so so sad to be leaving the uni I did my undergrad studies in because it was a beautiful campus and I really fell in love there (with psych) - unfortunately the relevant postgrad course is competitive everywhere and they didn't give me a place (I came first in my year and won the uni medal - and they still didn't give me a place - I guess they preferred people who had clinical experience and fair enough). Luckily this uni (which happens to be really close to where I live) prioritized marks over experience - and so I got in there. Lucky -because it's quite important to registering as a psych.

 

So... lots of new changes this year.

 

I'm really excited to start trying for a baby but very nervous about getting all this dental and other stuff sorted. But I have to say, I'm glad the pregnancy thing has motivated me to get it all done.

[Circe]

My SIL-to be is back in town! Good news for me (I like her - and I like her being at our family gatherings).

 

Weird situation though. My BIL has gotten her a ring. However, they aren't going to make a decision about whether to actually get married or not for another 6 months. A little odd but not entirely surprising.

 

My MIL has acknowledged the baby thing - positively. She said it's good news that we are thinking about having kids and that a baby can bring much joy and laughter to the family.