Long distance relationship. Break up. Miscarriage. Fixing.

[Tomas Chadwick]

My story is a little complicated I suppose, but I'll try to explain as best I can without talking so much! Alright, here goes…

 

I was in a long distance relationship from around April 2012 to November 2013… I live in the Middle East, and she lives in North Europe, so it's quite a distance! In the whole time we were together we travelled to see each other about 6 or 7 times, and would spend between a week and two weeks together. We had plans that we would be moving somewhere together around March/April 2014.

 

Being completely honest - and please remain passive of judgement here, I found it tough to deal with the distance and felt emotionally strained a lot of the time and resorted to talking online with other people. People I would never meet or intend to meet. I guess in a way I had tried to find affection through others by talking and telling them I was looking for some fun or something… I wasn't… I was honestly doing it because I wanted affection I couldn't get due to the distance of my relationship. I did have little rules though, like as soon as I felt like things were getting heated in conversation with these random people, I would make an excuse and never talk again. It's not something I enjoyed doing, even at the time. I knew it was wrong, and tried to control it and stop it but it got the best of me.

 

Anyway… My girlfriend had some hacker friend that decided to go through all my stuff and found these messages and sent them to her so she saw. I'm a bit bothered that she's friends with someone that illegally hacks peoples personal stuff without consent, although I'm glad it happened because what I was doing was not fair to her.

She broke up with me having seen these messages of me talking about relationships and sex, etc. to others. I don't blame her. I know I was at fault. In the anger at myself for being such an idiot I told my friends and family that I won't be going back to her and stuff… I haven't told them how it happened or anything, and don't want to.

 

We didn't talk for a month or so, but in that time I had realised how wrong what I had done was, and I knew I had to make changes… I started exercising a lot, being more active, eating less junk, being completely honest to everyone and myself… Not that I'm a compulsive liar…. But I took it upon myself to change, and the whole reason was that I wanted her back. I'd realised the extent of my love for her, and how special she is… And I believe that when you feel such a way about someone you don't let it go… You fight for it, and fight to show her that you've changed and stuff… And I have. I had stopped talking to others the moment we broke up and I've not been interested to return or anything ever since. I only want her, and I'm doing everything I can to show her I'm a good person and that I won't make the same mistakes again. I'm trying to show her, but I'm also doing!

 

Anyway… I messaged her asking if there was any chance of fixing things and getting back on track… She said she's completely lost trust in me and doesn't believe I've changed or can change… She has however stated that she wants to be with me and wants to fix things too. But she wants me to travel all the way there to do it, and she won't fix anything or open up to me or anything online or on the phone or anything… She doesn't even want to talk on the phone. I've not complained… I know it has to be fixed in person… I'm in the last month of my university course now, and I do have enough money for a return flight there, but as I have no job I don't have the money for accommodation, etc. as I assume I won't be staying with her… I'm serious about going, and I want to, but I think it's very one sided in regards to me having to pay and travel all the way, etc. But she won't compromise.

 

 

She had been 'bleeding' quite a lot in the last two times that I saw her, and told me that she had been to the doctor, who told her that she had had a miscarriage, and I don't believe for a second that it was anyone else's but hers/mine/ours. We always talked about having kids in the future and that it was something we both wanted together, and I still do. Not this way though, and not so soon… We're 24 and 23… I'm finishing my studies so I don't have a job or the money to support one right now.

 

That being said, somehow this has only made me even more determined to make things right with her… I just don't know how or what to do because she's quite stubborn… She hasn't told me any more than that she wants me and wants to fix things, and refuses to open up or tell me what she wants to happen when things are fixed and stuff…

 

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I know I have to go there to fix things… It was my fault so I should take the heat for it…

I'm afraid of telling my friends and family I'm going back to her… Afraid of asking my parents for money for accommodation because I think they'd think it was the wrong thing to do (but it's the only way I can get money in that time because I said I'd go once my course finished, and she said she won't wait any longer)

I also have no clue how to go about the miscarriage… I don't know how I'm supposed to feel… I feel gutted about it but I'm also happy because I wouldn't want my first child to be born to a father that was still making the mistakes I was… I also don't know if or how I should tell my family or friends about it… We weren't trying for one or anything… It just happened…

 

So I suppose I'm asking what your opinions are on what I should do in regards to fixing my relationship with the woman I love, and in regards to the miscarriage, and also in talking to it with my family/friends/ and 'ex' girlfriend? Please advise! Anything would be appreciated greatly!

[CeeLambrini]

Hi, and welcome!

 

It sounds like you simply needed validation from other girls online. If affection was lacking in your relationship because of the distance, then it sort of doesn't make sense to get that affection from the same outlet - if your LDR was also based online. Not that I condone cheating, which is what I'm assuming your (ex)girlfriend see's it as, as she must have been extremely hurt from it all.

Alarm bells also ring when I hear about the "hacker" incident as well. Why did this hacker target you? It sounds like she may have been behind that, somehow. If not, what would his motives be in doing so if she had absolutely nothing to do with it? Although it revealed your own wrong-doings, she too is also guilty of plotting and scheming behind your back in order to actually get this information.

So far, the relationship did not seem to have any trust or strength to begin with. Between you chatting to others online, and her hacking into your private messages, I'm wondering what the relationship was beforehand. It seems so far in your story that neither of you were coping well with the long distance relationship.

 

At the moment, she has given you an unfair ultimatum in making you travel all the way to her country for you to have a chance to fix things. You say yourself, she won't compromise nor even give you the time of day on the phone which tells me she isn't serious herself about fixing the relationship. All this says to me is that she is out to punish you for how you treated her, and making you jump through impossible hoops in order to do so.

 

I think you should let her know one last time that you need to see a sign that she is willing to work on the relationship before you go and spend all of your money on running to her. Go back to the main issue - you were feeling emotionally exhausted. It doesn't justify emotionally cheating but that is a point to consider, and talk about what was going on before you felt the need to chat to others online. She has all the power here, even to the point of telling you exactly how long you have until your time runs out - despite knowing your circumstances. This to me almost equates to her wanting to make it almost impossible for you to actually be in a position to go to her and fix things. So that if you aren't able to meet the time limit, it would technically be "your fault" and take any blame off her.

 

A miscarriage can be extremely traumatic to experience which may explain her behaviour as grief-stricken if she has never behaved like this before. My bottom line is this - you have been made to feel like the guilty party here, yet I believe you were unhappy to begin with. Explore this issue if you think it is the sole purpose of your looking elsewhere online. If she is also willing to fix things with you, then it must be made clear that in order to do so, contact must be made first before you put both yours and your parents money into gallantly flying over. Making you jump through near impossible hoops with a time limit also sends red flags - does she even want you to be there?

 

Hope this advice helps

[Tomas Chadwick]

Thank you so much for your response! It certainly emphasised some points I hadn't really noticed, and also reiterated some that I already believed myself!

 

I'm not sure exactly what 'validation' means in these terms… To be honest I really don't know why I did what I did… I regret it and I regretted it even as I did it but couldn't seem to stop myself. I know that I was looking for affection, and I've tried to explain that to her. I've always been good with words and I've always been able to talk about my feelings and what I'm thinking and stuff, whereas she's more conservative and quiet about it. And though I really don't blame her, I think that the lack of 'feeling' that came back to me from her when I had tried to be really detailed of my emotions so that she would feel my love sort of made it feel one sided a bit and perhaps led me into talking to others…

I don't condone cheating either, and though she does consider what I did as cheating, I don't. Having said that I feel stupid about it because I had told her at the beginning that if she was talking to others as I was I would consider it as cheating… I only want her to have eyes for me… I only have eyes for her too but I guess I just needed the affection I wasn't feeling beforehand.

 

When we broke up I actually went and told all my friends and family out of anger that I wouldn't be talking to her again… I know I had done wrong but I felt betrayed by this 'hacking' incident. I have asked her about it and she denies that she asked him to hack my account, and says he did it on his own accord. She only appreciates him for it and says she's happy he did it and showed her… I am also glad that she found out because what I did was unfair and she didn't deserve it… But to me it doesn't add up that he was hacking my stuff… He doesn't know me… I've never met or spoken to him (or any of her friends to be honest - she's always kept her friends separated from me), but often when I would write a public message to her I would get a lot of negative vibes from them all writing back to me and being sarcastic and just generally making a nuisance and they'd all be writing to her saying she's got nice cleavage or that they're all going drinking and want her to go and stuff… It got on my nerves as most of her friends are guys too… . I trust her, and I don't believe that she's a liar and I've never really had a reason to doubt my trust aside from this hacking incident, and one before where she simply kept telling me that she won't book her ticket to come and see me until things got better, etc. although she had already booked it 2 weeks before and just not told me…

 

In all the time we spent together in person, there was never any problem at all. In the time between she often accused me of cheating or going out to meet people when I took a long time to reply to messages… If I didn't write for 2 hours she would already be at the point that I was out, not interested, and had found someone else… Where I may have just been playing football, or in class, or spending time with my family or friends and stuff… I would have said that she didn't trust me, but when I asked she always said she did and that it was just her insecurities playing up… I always had complete trust in her though, and tried to deal with it all and try and help her get over her insecurities.

I failed to mention though, that she did find out that I was talking to women while we were together in person… I had explained to her that I was after affection and stuff and she seemed to understand because after that she did try harder to be more open and more talkative and expressive… Once we were apart however, the hacking incident occurred, and she saw that I had been talking to a small number of men too. I REALLY don't know how I got talking to men either, but I thought about it a bit last night and I came to a conclusion, although I really don't know if I should be saying it to her and stuff, and I don't know how and stuff… I'd like to explain my theory here though:

Let's just say that she told me she wanted to 'experiment' sexually a bit, and I was open to it. At first I was nervous but then I got more excited about it… But at the same time I thought that that sort of thing was associated with homosexuals only… I'd never thought about anything of the kind before, but I was interested to try with HER… I've always thought I'm straight but I guess I got doubts when I started thinking that I shouldn't be interested in this because it's a 'gay' thing or something… When I thought about it last night, I concluded that I was talking to men because I wanted to clarify that I was straight… Or see if I felt something when I talked to men or something. I didn't, and I don't look at men or think about them or anything so I know that I am straight. So I think I went and talked to men because I got concerned that I was wrong about my sexuality due to getting interested in something I felt I shouldn't have been…

 

 

I don't know if I can tell her that though… I don't want to tell her something that isn't the truth, but that is my interpretation of it as of last night, and I believe it to be true, and I know I am straight… She doesn't though…

 

 

I do think that the ultimatum of making me travel all that way is unfair on me, given that she's not only said I need to travel all that way - but I've also got to accommodate myself and that she's refused to open up to me or even just slightly show that she wants to be with me and stuff beforehand… Regardless of the problem at hand, and regardless as if you're together or not at the time, and of whose fault it was, etc., it is ALWAYS important to show the other that you actually want them there and want to fix things, etc. Words only take you so far. I've been trying so hard to show her I want her and want to fix things but it always comes down to "I don't believe a word you say" or "I don't trust you at all", etc. She's told me once briefly that she wants me and wants me to come and fix things, and she's also said a few times that she'll even meet me at the airport if I want, and she'll stay with me and pay her half if I want her to… She's also told me that once I'm there she will do her part to fix things…

But she won't do or say anything until then and it makes me feel like I'm being played… I trust her, and I don't think she's after revenge or anything, but at the same time I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind… She's got complete control of what happens and stuff… I have literally NO other reason to go other than for her, so what if it's all a plan to show me the pain I caused her or something? Not that I believe it is, but if she won't even tell me "I really want you to come, and I really want to fix things" or "I miss you, and I want to make things right so we can continue with our plans and look to the future together" or something, then it really does start to play on the mind…

I don't know what do do because she really won't say anything about it… Seems to think that just talking to me in the first place is more than I deserve anyway or something She hasn't even denied that she's been with other guys or that she's interested or something… So I'm really feel like I'm chasing after a woman I love more than anything and she doesn't really care if I'm there or not…

Regardless of the problem I really do think that if two people agree to fix things, then they should at least show each other that they are ready and willing…

 

I really do need to hear from her and see a sign that she wants me, because it's me making all the effort and writing all the messages at the moment… I'm the one making conversation and I'm the one telling her how I feel… I'm also the one that is trying to plan something without even knowing if she's on board with it and stuff! I have told her that money is a problem and stuff, but she always replies like "It's always about the money"… I'm trying to make things right… I'm considering going to a country where I know no one and don't speak the language on an empty bank balance just for her… Of course the money comes into it, but that's not what it's about… Even though it is about fixing things with each other I'd be a fool to think that money doesn't matter at all…

 

The main issue - I suppose I was feeling emotionally exhausted… I agree that it does not justify undermining someones faith in you in any way by cheating or anything. I don't excuse myself from it, and I admit it was wrong… I remember she always used to suggest having a casual relationship instead (which I always thought meant that she'd be free to see others, and I only wanted us bother to have each other and no one else)… So I always declined and stuff… She does have all the power here, and she's been showing that because I don't have a single thing going easy for me here and I'm not getting any sympathy from her either…

You've made another point that I agree that 'could be' the case… "she wants to make it almost impossible for me to actually come to fix things"… It's like she doesn't care… Or wants to pretend she cares but really doesn't and by making it so difficult she's hoping that I cave in and give up so it's not her fault or something, and instead only mounts onto my shoulders. Good observation! Is there anything you'd advise to get round that?

 

She's always been cold and closed-off when she's annoyed or upset, and she's never really shared many feelings… If I asked her about her day while we were together she'd reply "I went to work then saw my friends and made dinner for my family." Never really descriptive or enlightening… But now if I were to ask her, her response would probably be along the lines of "I don't have to tell you anything. It's enough that I'm just talking to you anyway" or something…

In regards to the miscarriage she's gone as far as to say she's happy it didn't happen… Personally I'm absolutely gutted by it because I've always wanted a kid but I do think I'm too young at this point and I wouldn't have wanted to become a father when our relationship has been so uncertain and while I was being an idiot in regards to talking to others and stuff… I want to be a good partner for her and I want to be a good father that can provide support for both, and at the moment I can't, so I'm also a little relieved it didn't happen…

 

I do think that her reaction to me talking to others has been blown well out of proportion… I don't think it's anywhere near as bad as she's made it out to be, although I don't deny it being wrong. I don't believe that I deserve the cold treatment or the huge ultimatums I'm being given, but it's all I have to work with…

 

I told her earlier today the following: "Don't stop talking. Let's sort things out and make a plan… I'm not asking to fix things online because I know it has to be done in person, but let's figure out what we're doing… I don't know what you intend for us and you've not told me… I don't know what I'm doing once I get there, because you haven't said, yet you're the only reason I'm coming… Come on, I love you. There's got to be a plan though, and we've both got to know what it is and agree… We can't do so if we don't discuss it…"

 

I think that's fair enough… But her reply was:

"I won't talk about the future! What do you want to know? I have nothing to talk about or say unless it's in person. I have nothing to discuss. What do you mean 'plan'? Plan what? …… I don't believe you'll come so why even bother to ask? If you're expecting me to plan the trip for you then dream on… Agree on what? ……… It's funny how YOU said you'd come and now it seems you're trying to find a way out though I'm not even expecting or believe you'll come. ……. What's the point in talking about 'planning'??? I've said it all and if you want to keep finding things to 'discuss' etc to prolong it all then don't write to me."

 

I feel that her response was really aggressive and hostile, and it's not been uncommon over the last month or so… Most messages are accusing/assumptious/aggressive, etc… But I'm trying to fix things… I don't know what to do if she won't even give me a sign… I've been hurt by so many other people in the past and I'm determined not to let myself get played again… I don't want to cave in and do all these things just because she tells me to… I NEED a reason, but if I don't get it, what should I do? I love her and I really don't want to let her go…

We always talked about our future together and it's always been a mutual dream of ours… It's something I really want and I know that she wanted it too and 'apparently' does still… She miscarried what would have been our baby and it sort of put things into perspective because in 5 months from now I could have been a father… I want it in 5-10 years time, and 5 months away wouldn't have been ideal but I want it with HER…

 

Does she even want me to be there? She says she does… But it really doesn't feel like it and everything she's saying in-between suggests not… I don't know what to do though… I don't know if I'm chasing false hope or something, but I don't want to give up if there's a chance… Right from the beginning we both wanted a serious long term relationship and we came to each other… I've given two years to being with her… All of it has been in vain if I give up… I really don't want to though…

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I might be able to get her to open up to me or get her to show some feeling to me?

 

Thank you for your advice from before! It's helped point some things out and on other things, from seeing your opinions at least I know I'm not the only one that thinks this way!

[CeeLambrini]

I think you have got a lot to think about and writing it all out like that should have helped. Look at both your posts, cram-packed full of hostility, abuse, distrust, "cheating" and all other sorts of negative points about your relationship. I would go through each point, but I feel that you already know what my reaction would be to all of them.

Cheating aside, you are being abused. Abuse comes in all sorts of forms and this one happens to be emotional abuse.

When a person cheats, the "cheatee" then has a choice to make - either end the relationship, or forgive and move on. Obviously the latter is hard because it will take a while for them to build that trust again after being betrayed. What your girlfriend is doing instead, is taking her own route and deciding to torture, humiliate, and torment you in order for you to make it up to her.

The sad fact is, even if you do run to her side again and she takes you back - it will only be a matter of weeks or months before it starts to sink in how mean and hurtful she has been to you during this time which will bring back your own trust issues. She will have made you spend all of your money, take money from your own family, distract you from your studies etc. She has convinced you that you do not deserve her or anyone elses time and you do not deserve any civil behaviour from her.

I don't know how you would get her to open up to you as you can't make anyone feel or be anything toward you. However, I think putting your foot down here and saying "look - I don't like how you are treating me. I know I messed up, it was a huge mistake, I've said sorry - now are you going to be able to forgive me or not?" She doesn't have to move on right away but right now it doesn't seem like she wants to move on and is abusing you to make up for your betrayal.

From what it looks like, she has had her foot out of the door for a long time - but is enjoying the punishment she is putting you through out of some kind of revenge. If she is ever going to come round it will be after you put your foot down.

 

I'm sorry I can't be more help, but sometimes when a relationship is this messy it is better to take a step back and walk away before you hate each other. Perhaps after some time you will be able to find each other again but right now it is in deep mess. Concentrate on your studies, take a few months of no contact and let her contact you if she wants to. Sometimes when we are so desperate to keep something, we cling too hard to it and end up pushing it away for good. It's good to be strong and know how to let go.

[CeeLambrini]

Also someone just posted this on another thread

link removed

Nice to have on hand should you end up going that route...

 

It's also extremely helpful to look at other peoples stories on here too, you may be surprised at how much you have in common