The chronicles of ME and my aching knees

[chr8st8na]

Okay I thought I start journaling on here since I am already an active member and because this is something my therapist suggested I do (journal). Said I can use more reflection because sometimes I tend to go quiet and not want to keep talking. also im in the middle of making new changes in my life and will report to this journal. Note: dont take my aching knees as a literal sense... its a metaphor of me in my life.

 

In late october 2013, went to therapy for depression but always had bouts of depression. Was diagnosed in dec 2013, as having schizoid personality- people who avoid 'deeper' human interaction and connection with others. "schizoid personality has a constitutional, probably genetic, basis" but i think me and my therapist agree that I wasn't always like this and may have slowly adopted this defensive mechanism to prevent myself from getting hurt or feeling abandoned. making me push people away. I think I might have had it as a child but might have not been as extreme until my first ex of 3 yrs broke up with me (technically he disappeared on me while i gave him his space after the iraq war).

 

So far i have also done three group therapy (gt) sessions and most of the members are bipolar. I thought I might have been interested in one of the members,Larry, but when he began telling us about his experiences living with bipolar and skipping meds, he quickly became unattractive and I know it was probably just me being judgmental. However there are some traits I noticed he has that I don't like- he's arrogant and can be a little obnoxious with his comments. However most members in the gt are kind of extreme one way or another with their communication... We do have a group moderator-therapist but she has a hard time getting people not to cut others off because people are so open to share and relate. I am known as the 'quiet' one... Not sure if I want to keep it going. In fact, not sure if I want to keep any therapy going... more on this another time. One sense is that when I am at my gt, I feel like the 'normal' one however in another sense, I do understand & suffered many of the uncontrollable feelings/sentiments members described (to the point where you can't get out of bed or you're having an anxiety attack.) Before I started gt, I was reluctant because I didnt want anyone getting attached to me. So far after three group therapy sessions, I noticed that due to time constraints and the openness of most of the members, theres just no way anyone will ever be attach to me- which is great. I think a lot of it is because most of them are overly self-indulging and everyone else is just an audience member. No one has found me interesting and last session, one of them informed me that she might not be able to make a following session, mistakenly thinking I was a therapist or an observer for the clinic. I do find myself as an outsider even tho there are times I do enjoy it because it gives me another insight that me and my therapist didn't touch on. However I just don't feel the need for it.

 

After I was diagnosed, my therapist suggest I do 'group activities'... so far, learning how to knit with a meetup grp (first meeting was Wedn and was told im really good at a starter), went out on a date with a college friend for hiking, going for coffee every tues & thurs with a coworker, and will join another meetup grp- maybe hiking or sign language. He also said i should live with roomates to help me get the hang of co-living with others. I have been out of my parent's house for 10 yrs and had a roommate once but only for 2 yrs (she is still my friend). So atm I am reluctantly looking. My job is pretty much independent work and that is why I chose the field but every now & then I wish my coworkers come talk to me because when I go home, I get a little sad that i went a whole day not talking to anyone. I thought about popping up at someone's cubicle but I have been working there for 5 years on my own... so i think its harder when ur coworkers are the kind to keep to themselves too. I do talk to my sisters at night but not as much as I used to.

 

I want to date again so I can keep myself distracted but understand I might be setting myself up for disappointment. With therapy it has really opened my eyes that all my past relationships, I self-sabotage choosing men who were just as unstable/noncommittal as me so there was always an excuse/reason/exit so i didnt have to completely feel bad if I left them cold (some have left me cold but would ask/come back except my 1st ex).... I have never had a healthy relationship with a man. Its sad for me to admit. The guys I dated that seem to genuinely care or seem 'emotionally mature' were usually the guys I never wanted. I dont remember most of my first dates but I never slept around but at the same time I did feel like a celibate w**** going thru men trying to intimately connect with them and yet could only connect with the men who were just as fleeting and crazy as me.

 

I can't wait to tell my therapist that I am dating again and this time maybe lots... At least there will be more materials to cover and he can relentlessly question my cognitive functions. Poor guy probably hates writing my case report by now. On a serious note, I am only going to date men who tell me they want a serious relationship or looking for LTR. Wish me luck!

[chr8st8na]

Well didn't sleep so well... Just kept waking up every now and then feeling this intense emptiness and sadness. But it was just for a split second and I will go back to sleep. The last time I felt sad was my last depression in october but this feeling of emptiness and sadness is more of a grieving sadness.

 

I was up for a whole hour this morning, laying in bed in my pjs, devising all sorts of plans to try and get an emotionally unavailable man (call him Tommy) to be interested in me again knowing that I was kicking myself the whole time (Note: He wanted to just date me on his own terms but unsure about commitment)... Its not really the two months of long hours on the phone with him or the amazing chemistry and mutual attraction on the first date... it was the knowing that i had probably cut the one person who i like that can make me laugh at anything. I have always thought if I could settle down with anyone, he would be someone who could just keep me smiling & laughing... Is that why I have a crush on Will Farrell? Probably... But I have already accepted that I might not be able to stop concocting different scenarios and plans in my head about Tommy for a long time.... I know I will never call him and suggest any plans/ideas or even sound remotely interested tho... I think it's better no contact but he did text me yesterday and said he understood why I only wanted friendship with him and sorry it took him awhile to respond. Still a sweet guy....

 

I rebooted my OKC profile I think 3 days ago... or 2 days... Well so far no pictures on my profiles. I will do this without a picture until I think I feel the need for one. I dont mind emailing pictures but have not really counted the msgs that are being ignored because I am actually getting a ton of incoming mail any way. I have counted 7 guys are still in contact and 3 havent heard back after 2 msgs... One guy was just rude and I think either he is having a bad hair day (he has long shiny blond hair) or he realized he just responded to someone who doesnt have a picture. I really need to do a tally of who is responding and why are they responding... I don't go on as much only at night because I'm usually busy during the day. So I can only send a few msgs out before I start getting overwhelmed or sleepy. I have also let these men know that I will be out of town for about a week and a half (san diego with family) so will understand if they feel that is too long of a wait to meet up. I am usually good at taking things slow and to where I dont get a response for almost a day or 2 BUT i know most people really like to keep the momentum going. I did open myself up for tonight and tomorrow.

 

So far only one guy, Charles, can meet up with me tonight... He wants to go for late night tea. Going by his profile, he admits to being highly emotional for a man, lol but he does come off as genuine and charismatic. Might be a good date. Im heading out to San Diego tomorrow night but just about everyone of the guys I am in contact want to watch the games and just about every one of them is a 9ers fan (boo!) so no dates for tomorrow. One guy is actually from Ireland and just moved here, wants to watch the games with coworkers and 'see whats all this noise bout american football'... I have a feeling he might be a great catch because he is super smart and witty with his comments. I think there are three guys in their mid or late 30s- they tend to be more direct and serious with their profile and in their line of questioning. The guys 27-30 yrs old are a little bit more witty and playful so it's interesting to see the dynamics of my inbox.

 

When I get to san diego and have watched the games, I'll be back on here to journal -and with more concrete details. I have a family function to attend (which my therapist will be happy to know I am not avoiding any more.)

[chr8st8na]

Ok thought I journal my date this evening... while everything is still fresh...

 

Turns out Charles (pseudo name) was a lot more charismatic and more intelligent (loves astrology and space talk) than I could possibly imagine... he was also ... , spontaneous (with his reactions), intense, delusional and wow, really charming. He also looked better in real life (most guys do). From 1-10 I say 6 1/2.

 

Told me he was also in therapy for 3 years now suffering from attachment disorder. Said he sleeps 12 hours a day so his brain can reconstruct itself. He also kind of used this as an excuse not to be employed because all he does is sleep, medicate, meditate and therapy. I did find him interesting but he started to weird me out fast. I noticed that every time I expressed some concerns or might even disagree with his opinions, he didn't argue back or explain himself... he sounded like he was trying to bargain or go back and say 'Oh, not like that!' with a smile...

 

He also told me that yes he is 'emotional' but its because he feels everything and everyone... and yes he cries for these feelings he feel. He went on for a about an hour about his crying bouts since as a infant (apparently he has a good memory too). He then talks about how meditation and therapy has saved him but he still trying to put his emotional feelings in to a 'positive filter' and that he wants to start teaching a meditative class.

 

I don't know ... The date was 2 hours and I feel that this guy can easily get a naive girl to fall for him. I don't want to diagnosed him because I am no doctor, but I think this guy could definitely be a borderline sociopath. There were a lot of things he mentioned that were red flags. Also he said he doesnt smoke or do drugs but found him smoking a cigerette outside the tea shop and said he forgot to change that on his profile. Fine. Then he admits that he smokes pot 'occasionally'...

 

Asked if I was interested in 2nd date while walking me to my car... said I need to think on it. He said 'i know thats rejection' (YUP!) but he said he was ok, hugged me and did a little dance for me and walked away. I heard him humming too. I don't know I think I would have laughed if I was an outsider but I don't know... Oh and right when I got home, I checked my OKC inbox and the little icon popped up indicating Charles was checking my profile too. I won't block anyone if I don't have too but hope he doesnt give me any reason to.

 

So far seven of the guys have emailed me back today and say its ok for me to keep msging them while im on my vacation. Might not be able to msg them as much... so I am anticipating low activity for the next two weeks. Two I think are great catches... others not so sure. One does resemble Ryan Gosling but he is kind of slow on his responses. But he gets mental bonus points for looking like Ryan Gosling in all his 5 pictures. When I mentioned he looks like Ryan Gosling, he said he gets it a lot So far I have emailed pictures to all the guys Ive been in contact with...

 

Still have to do a tally - and yes I can think of two who rejected my pictures... I am not a 10 or a Secret Victoria Model and kind of expected the ones who would reject my pictures would be the meatheads any way LOL ... actually one was just a goodlooking wannabe MMA fighter- oh well!! Maybe in another life

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.3

 

I will not be missing my usual therapy session today… (im n san diego)

 

Another complicated relationship from the past has reemerged. I don’t even know know if I want to touch it because a) he lives in texas and b) im afraid he might be upset at me for sleeping with Tommy & nvr forgive me.

 

Before Tommy on that stupid online game (I have quit for 3 months now), I was close friends with another guy, Mike. Every time he got on he would ask for me on global chat so everyone just thought I was his ‘girl’ …. But in reality, we were just talking about game numbers & strategies and the usual “how was ur day? Did you have dinner? Nice game ratios! U read that nu comic series?” A whole year of this and then he starts opening up to me- lives alone, death of his parents two years ago, has had multiple anxiety attacks due to long work hours at the mill, cant sleep well on his nights off so he jogs for miles, has no social life and the only friends he has are some coworkers and his brother. I was pretty shocked because when I do look at our social apps and fb I can see he doesn’t have a lot of friends, yet he doesn’t look like the typical loner type… I mean this guy is goodlooking- looks like channing tatum but stronger jaw bone, not buff but built and taller. But he doesn’t seem happy in any of his photos

 

He sent me several email messages yest… short and one sentence each. It almost read like a drunk text. “why did u leave me?” “I always loved you…” “why did u choose Tommy?” I don’t know if he was drunk but he’s never been an expressive person. He’s a man with few words so I think he must have felt betrayed by me to even email me these lines. I just thought we were having a cyber fling but never though he throw the L word. Plus during my first month of therapy, I decided to back off from him. I knew the feelings were there- where i care about him that i would do things he wanted me to do- (game things- even staying on when i wanted to log off) and where we have become a staple of each others' lives that we wanted that human connection at the end of the day. However I struggled with the knowing that he wasnt doing his best to show me his interest- didnt get on a flight or call me…but i never said anything too. Any way we have skype before and I told him we can do this over skype or phone- if he still wanted to talk… But if it was ‘drunk emailing’ then I am sure he will ignore me. He has too much pride.

 

Y do i care still? I think because when i do care i care deeply... I have a disorder where its hard for me to establish personal relationships but when those relationships are established i tend to STILL feel connected to this person. I dont know if its an ideal thing for me but i do know that i ramdomly will hear ppl who i considered important ppl in my life sometimes talking to me- i call it going down memory lane. I also think about these people every day... How are they? R they happy? Etc.

 

Called Markus, one of the guys on OKC. 31 yrs old- has his life together and an 8 yr old kid. 15 minutes phone conversation was just me asking him questions But he was nice. There was just no spark or chemistry in our interaction so I am thinking about doing one more call and maybe text him first before I call.

 

Liam, another guy from OKC, 29 yrs old. Chinese-Irish from Dublin, Ireland. Local job at Apple, no kids but seem to be on the move a lot. Has lived in 11 countries and claims to speak 5 languages including reading and writing mandarin. He writes me loooong messages… Got to the point where I told him it’s best if we hold off on the contact until I get back. It was getting pen-palesque.

 

Looked up roomates and homes ads on Craigslist. Nothing that stood out, just the same creepy old guy who keeps posting that his house ‘can use a woman’s touch.’ I am still a little reluctant to move in with people but did not renew my lease so I am hoping this gives me more of a motivation to actually move out and live with others for some time.

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.4

 

Talked to Mike online yesterday because he says he hates talking on the phone and skyping... He said he meant what he said even if he doesnt remember typing it. I asked him what's wrong? He said "you said you would play with me as long as im playing." I told him things change... He asked "Tommy?" I said "No. Life priorities..." He then asked "your boyfriend is more important i guess." I told him we are not together or talking. He asked why and I said it didn’t work out... He said he wanted to know so I kind of made Tommy look like the culprit I said "He didnt want a commitment but wanted to keep dating." Mike then said "dont have sex with him." there was a pause but I said "ok."

 

A part of me hates upsetting Mike. When he’s upset, he’s just mean and can hold a grudge. Not the verbal mean type but the type of mean where you can sense the tension and feel the frost.

 

After I finished chatting with Mike, Tommy text me his finished bed frame piece. Been almost a week since we texted each other and he hasn’t reached out since I said we should be friends. I told him how beautiful(an understatement) the bedframe was and he said Thank you. He said he wished we could talk more. I had a Freudian slip and said “you make me uncomfortable.” He asked how he makes me uncomfortable. I haven’t responded… ugh now i have to do damage control ...

 

Truth is I think he is having an easy time being friends and hardly thinks about me- and here I am still thinking and concocting plans in my head how I can make the stars align for us…but I only end up with a war in my head… i want to be angry at him and @ the same time i cant be i believe in karma now.

 

Msg Markus yest and said I would still like to meet up with him. He just sent me a msg that he enjoyed talking to me on the phone (wish I could say the same and will still love to meet me.

 

Someone threw a jab at me for making comments in the 3rd person about people I know that have mental illnesses. I am going to refrain myself from talking about people I know from my GT and on here. Sorry guys!

 

Any way… to the beach…

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.5

 

Here are some notes I jotted down from my day at the beach yest.

 

1) Finished the Awakening- Protagonist drowned herself in the ocean to escape society's expectations of a dutiful wife and mother... Hmm surprise someone hasnt stolen this idea and used a gay man as the protagonist.

2) Maybe should go home early because a job posting at my department has just been advertise and WOW! Good pay.... I need to work on my letter!

3) I was practicing my alphabet Sign language ... getting better but still have a hard time memorizing all the sign languages. i look so cool doing this at the beach.

4) every yr i hate SD traffic more than the yr before....

5) I actually miss my family- not sure if i should tribute this to the 4mos therapy or its a natural inclination when you see others with their family.

6) I think I'll pray to God every night from now on... an agnostic can pray right? I'll probably ask for the strength to not be weak. Keep it simple now and then get demanding later

 

Yest night I responded to Tommy that the answer is complicated, and I like him and care but I have to take care of myself, saying goodbye. He responded "Just so you know, it was and is awesome knowing you."

 

In the past I would have left it without responding. If i didnt respond, my dr would asked me any way ...so i would have had to answer either wy. But tommy of all ppl deserve an answer. i woke up this morning, eyes opened and nothing... I wasnt devising a plan in my head to 'fix' the situation. Woke up- wasnt contemplating or devising all sorts of schemes. Rolled out and knees felt good and light.

 

Well more guys are messaging me... still no picture on OKC. I joined because I wanted to seriously find someone. Now? I feel bad admitting this… but I am really enjoying the attention from all types of men Ryan Gosling look alike has gone off the radar with me tho I'm starting to have anxiety because I'll be back home soon and will be on dates with these men... Im sure most I will not really want to meet. I think maybe my dr was right about waiting it out and finishing my treatment plan before dating again... he pointed out to me that I havent been good at casual dating but at the same time I want to show him that I can do it without falling for the fun and charming 'noncomittal' guy ...but can i really say that because of what just transpired between me and Tommy? Also im sort of afraid of his line of questioning- I say 80% of the time they are good indicators of what will happen... He's opened my eyes that most of my mistakes are by my own design and once used Tommy as a prime example to make a case in point (making me extremely agitated)... I'm nervous now… maybe skip next session. Or maybe go in drunk.

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.6

 

Busy today with my aunt and uncle... Visited other families in Santa Ana and the little cousin there had a bday. It was awkward at first because I don't remember them but it got easier when I started mingling.

 

I called my mom tonight and told her about families we haven't seen in Santa Ana. Every time my mom and I have a quick but loving exchange, it really does make me feel 10xs better. We rarely have these kind of exchanges because she tends to talk about all her endless and pointless worries.

 

I told my aunt and uncle I'll be driving back tomorrow home because I want to work on cover letter for a job that was posted and needed other coworkers to help me with it. They didnt want me to go initially but when I told them the position, they understood. They have been the greatest host and something about my week with them really made me feel connected and normal. I think that's why my mom was sweet with me on the phone today, maybe they told her I have not been a party pooper or a debbie downer lol.

 

I might call my dr office on Monday and see if they can squeeze me in for Tuesday since I'll be back in town. Been having dreams that are causing me sleepless nights... Dreams about exes and Tommy. Most of them are not bad but they do keep me up - one was like something that was similar to that Kanye West music video (with Kim Kardashian) and one was about a call from Heaven- strange and ugh i hate Kim n Kanye. The heaven one got me a little concern about my first ex, Chris. He always told me he will never live past 35. A really bad dream was one about my last ex, Tony. I detest Tony and he is my biggest mistake. Our problems were not entirely his fault tho... I was way too nice and too much of a coward to be on my own to dump him. Basically in the dream, he called me every name in the book (which he has done in reality due to his own insecurities) and laughed at my own failings in my face while I am feeling this urge to shut him up with a blunt object. Its funny because every month or so, since our break up n January of last yr, Tony will txt me asking if we can talk and I will ignore him. I know I can block him but part of me wants to see how long he will keep this up because yea, its an ego thing for me.

 

Hm Ryan Gosling look alike is back in my radar and just msg me an hr ago: "Hey Girl... I'm in San Diego for work. Meet me up?" ('Hey girl' is a running joke from ryan gosling memes) I Just told him I am leaving tomorrow morning for work reasons but tonight is ok if just for a couple of hrs.

 

I am getting really tired tho because of the long day today but will wait another 15mins and see if he responds.

 

Note: I just saw my inbox and noticed that since I have been on, a new guy msg me every two or three days. That means I can actually do casual dating if I wanted to BUT weeding out the relationship men from the non-relationship men will be the hard part... on top of questioning my own mental and emotional capacity to make that call. Oh lord... Help me.

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.7

 

Well didn't meet up with Ryan Gosling look alike. He actually got back to me the next day and said he went out with some friends for some drinks after the SD artshow. I went to check his profile and his occupation says "artist" ... This made me a little nervous because from my experiences, men who said they were 'artists' were always kind of eccentric and have loopy ideals about life in general. Kind of my bad for not getting every detail going over his profile ...He did email me again yesterday "hey girl, how about more pictures of you and full body?" So I sent him a response "Sorry face & body is not available atm, needs to be put together... Getting botox, new horse legs, monkey chests and arms. Hope u like hairy." He responded: "You so crazy"

 

here are things I am noticing on OKC... I don't know if its because I am getting a lot of mail that I am having an easy time ignoring msgs. So far I have stopped talking to a dozen ppl since I got on OKC. Will need to start meeting guys in real life soon so did a lilttle bit more housecleaning yest. So here are the type of guys I 'x' out...

 

1) The guys who are so keen to be in contact with me that I feel like they are on OKC all the time or they set their emails on alert. Msging them is like texting. too much texting overwhelm me- like call me. but then again i dont want these men calling me yet. One guy threw a fit when I was on and didn't respond. Another guy gave me an attitude when I said bye. Another asked me why I kept taking forever to respond to him. *sighs* I get overwhelmed and I have a life to attend to that I can't be on to msg ppl back at every whim.

 

2) The guys with oversize baggage that will crush me effortlessly... Sadly the goodlooking guys that contacted me fall under this category. One was a 30 yr old with part custody- 6 kids with 3 diff women...and I am not saying this is baggage bc I love kids!!! But 3 baby mamas?! Ehh...No. Another was a mid-30 biker guy and he told me he just been out of a 10yr relationship. I had to make sure "10yr relationship or 10yr prison term?" If it was the latter, I think I would stay on with him as long as he had a job. Another was a 28 yr old who just told me who was in a lot of debt but passed his bar exam. Hoping to open up in his own practice soon. Sounds good but for now... $200k in debt, no ty.

 

3) Jobless or unsecured jobs... Ryan Gosling look alike will probably fall under this category too but because he looks liek Ryan Gosling I havent x him out yet unless he fades out on me. Another 30yr old local artist (whose artwork looks like Diego Rivera's) msg me and I asked him other than being an artist, what else does he do? Part time work at Walgreens. HMM..no. Another late 30 yr old guy was in a band but does odd jobs on the side... No.... got a guy who is a free lancer graphic designer and travels every now and then for work- *sighs* No.... No to guys who's main income come from being an artist, musician, freelance anything, novelists, spoken word poem, doing odd jobs, dancing, acting, etc.

 

4) Guys who mentioned sex in their msgs... Not that I am a prude but I do not understand why some men feel the need to msg me early on (like 3rd or 4th msg) asking about my sex life. Any way, I don't mind telling them the truth - I just mind the questioning part.. if I said no sex life then they might ask y and then I would say because I don't really desire it and then it'll go to another topic on what's wrong with me. Unfortunately a lot of things.

 

any way... i am very idealistic and creative and i know i attract artists because of it, but i really need someone who is kind of opposite from me to balance me out. Any way, just msg Markus about a meet up this weekend and he said "WB, but Sunday is Superbowl and my son's bday is Saturday." Thought that was funny he mentioned Superbowl before his son's bday.

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.8

 

Might be coming on with a cold or flu. Was with my sick little nieces yesterday before I went to my therapist.

 

Told my shrink that I started online dating and wanted to start casual dating (and open to a serious relationship). So for about half an hour I was listing all the pros why I should date and listed all the 'correct actions' I have done so far avoiding men who are giving me red flags on OKC. I actually printed out my 1.7 journal entry on here (the last entry) and nervously unfolded it in front of him and read how I've been narrowing the pool of guys I will meet up with. Desperate for his approval and mine… I realized how neurotic and silly I was behaving so i shut up.

 

He then said I dont need to justify dating to him - I could end up making great friends. However I have to remember why I came for help (depression from loneliness) and the prob lies more with self-isolation than dating the wrong guy. He said tho I havent been in healthy relationships at least I know how to walk away fm them ...but my ongoing problem is not knowing how to walk away from a reclusive and empty existence. Online dating wasnt part of our short term goals (haha) but it's something we can incorporate in to the plan if I still wanted to date.

 

He asked me about my knitting group (eh...), about my high school best friend (not much to relate to someone who has three kids and a husband), about my roommate search (...ok ive been slacking), about GT (i could care more or less), coworkers (ah there like work- bored me to tears), and if i was going to join that young women volunteer grp (oh... forgot about that). I sighed ... Told him sorry, it's just so much work because I have never tried hard enough to be this social. He encouraged me to keep at it and put seeds in to these new relationships and work on finding roommates.

 

He asked about Tommy and I said I had to backpedal on the friendship- so said goodbye to Tommy. Asked why and I said you were right, eventually it became too much for my head to saturate the mixed emotions and Tommy being somewhat in the picture didn’t help. He asked if I really think it was ‘closure’ between us. Truthfully at the time I thought it was but now I don’t know. Was grief stricken the two days after it happened and now I stop myself from grieving by preoccupying myself. Asked if I was giving myself a fair chance to fully grieve and that’s why now I don’t know if it was closure?

 

We sat there in silence for a bit and then he asked, “why do you think that is you keep waking up the same time you would get off the phone with Tommy?” another long silence and he said I should keep journaling and we can talk more in depth about this next time. Oh great… you mean to tell me this chapter is not ****en closed?!

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.9

 

Phillip, 38 yrs old, White (i think)... Met with him after work -both of us work in downtown. Surprise (sarcasm) he looked better in person. 1 to 10, he is a 5. A bit too nerdy looking for my taste but ok... Then as I was walking with him, saw that he doesn't have a nice posture, like he's kind of hunched over. But then I was thinking maybe he so tall. Says 6'4 on the profile and I am 5'2 so I am thinking it's me! I am too short.

 

We went to a nice corner cafe and ordered a small bite to eat. He told me he didn't think anyone would contact him on OKC but glad I did. I said "yea, i tend to put weight on profile over pictures." Then he looked at me almost defeated and say "I know.. I am ugly." I said "No, you're not! I'm sorry I didn't mean that." But he tells me he it's not my fault and goes on a tangent how his looks have affected his life and how his family always loved his little brother more than him because his brother was always the goodlooking kid who excelled in sports. I asked does he play sports? Hoping that would get him to stop talking about his brother. He said No but had to go with his parents to cheer on his little brother in the little leagues. He said he would secretly cheer against his brother's team and then rub it in his brother's face when they fight. His brother is a successful businessman and all he does is IT support so he still gets overlooked. More stories about how he gets ignored because he doesn't meet the definition of 'masculinity' or 'goodlooking'...

 

I sipped my coffee here and there knowing it was going to be a long night... but for some reason I couldnt eat my sandwich in front of him while he kept talking. He didn't even noticed our deli sandwiches on the table! Last 15min he finally asked me a question... but it wasn't about our sandwiches. He asked where I live and I told him... He said if i wanted to come over and watch a movie... said he lives walking distance I said "no, its getting dark. Thanks though."

 

He walked me to my car and finally stopped talking (i secretly thank the lord for the silence)... When I turned around to say thanks and get in my car, he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. LOL... I laughed but I said "um thanks." I thought that was strange but was thinking maybe it had something to do with age, he is a little older and maybe a kiss on the cheek on a first date is appropriate for men his era, i dont know! I do know I could have taken him home but I realized this guy might try to invite me over again. He text me 15 minutes later and said he had a great time and would like "to entertain me on a 2nd date." I think it's safe to say I won't be returning his text unless he ask why I didn't respond.

 

Back home I realized that this guy does remind me of someone I know of... his mannerism and the whole tangent about how everyone loves his brother ... Robert Ramona! Well... the kiss was nice but the whole "nobody loves me because I'm ugly and an underachiever" rubbed me the wrong way. I think it would have been fine and fun if he can make it light heart but I could tell he was clearly unhappy from talking about it. Plus I felt like I was an armchair shrink on the date.

 

Well at least I have lunch for tomorrow (my cold stale deli sandwich).

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.10

 

Went to GT...Larry came over to say hi and asked what I did yesterday because I didnt pick up his call (he's my 'support buddy' but i never pick up any of his calls). Told him I had to go home but I'll text him later. Didn't want to stay behind and talk to people. But an hour later he text me.

Any way he always annoys me one way or another... Here's our text

 

Larry: You ok?

Me: Yea had a date yest. sorry.

Larry: Really? How it go Miss Quiet?

Me: He was ok.... blah blah blah *just a very short version of the date*

Larry: wow! he kissed u on the cheek? u ok with it?

Me: I was ok with it.

Lary: I thought you people were not affectionate

Me: You people?

Larry: No not asians... schizoids

Me: I usually am not but I've gone on lots of dates before so guess to me it's nothing new... as long as they dont try to rough me up, drug me, grope me, tied me, anything malicious...

Larry: Oh, so you gone on so many dates that you have adapted?

Me: uh... yea i guess...

Larry: You can fake ur affection with me if you do that with other guys, or do I need to take u on a date.

Me: I don't like you.

Larry: Is it because I skip my meds?

Me: No... you talk too much.

Larry: Well I think you are a w**** and a fake!

Me: Ok

 

30 minutes later...

 

Larry: I am so sorry I called you names.. That's not like me at all!

 

40 minutes later....

 

Larry: Are we still friends? or do you just want to be support buddies and that's it?

 

5 minutes later...

 

Larry: I ruined our frenship

 

20 minutes later...

 

Larry: I can't believe you are ignoring me!

 

*yawns* This is why I don't get with crazy people any more.

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.11

 

Met with Markus last night for dinner. I called him yesterday and told him I was free if he still wanted to meet up tonight since today is his son's 9th bday and tomorrow is Superbowl. We met in his part of the town and even though I declined his offer to pick me up, I thought that was very nice of him so far. He looks way better in person 7 out of 10. Things were going good for an hour and I was thinking "wow and I didn't want to meet up with you because you were so bad on the phone..." It was great and he ordered my favorite wine from the restaurant, so I gave him extra mental points... But after that, points went down because he said he wanted to be honest .. uh oh *took a big gulp of my wine*

 

He started talking about his ex-wife. He said it's been two years since they split, but last year was when they officially divorced. Hm... His son lives with the ex-wife but he says he visits them every day... interesting. He also helps pays her rent and gives her extra spending money because she doesn't work. Said he has a hard time cutting financial assistance to her because she's raising their child and he doesn't have anyone else to watch his son. Knows that this has turned off a few women he met on OKC... So I think after learning all this, my view of him being a great guy who has his sh*t together just became me seeing a door shutting on his face. He assured me he doesn't love her any more.. I said "Oh okay... nice to know all the details." *crickets chirpping* Then he said he would understand if I didn't want to see him again. I thanked him and we talked about my job prospects... well just me working on my cover letters and he gave me some great pointers. He walked me to my car and I tried to give him some $ because dinner with wine actually came up to around $70 but he wouldn't take my money. He said I can make it up for next date

 

So I have not called back... He did text me yesterday night and said he had a great time and wanted to know if I made it home. i texted him back to said I arrived safely and thanks for dinner. I don't think I will call him back... and I am not too down about it. He actually turned out to be a good guy but with lots of baggage and the date was better than my date with a strange unemployed guy and Robert Ramano. I don't think I want to handle how to deal with his baggage atm especially if I am working on myself.

 

Valentines is coming up so I am having anxiety over that and have been avoiding my OKC inbox. So far I have 12 unread messages and I have seven guys I still need to contact for a date because they were waiting for me to come back from vacation. I wouldn't be surprised if those guys don't think too warmly of me by now.

 

I've been exhausted because work has been crazy since I've gotten back - lots of catching up to do. Then my cover letters are still in progress and my sister is reviewing and editing one of them. She knows I desperately wants this job so she said she needs extra time with it just to read it and edit it and then go back to it and see if she can add more or make it sound better. She's been great, well all three of my sisters are.

 

I went back to the office on Wedn and one of my supervisors came up to me and told me that one of my investigation I did was talked about during a Division meeting with the Executives there and congrats because now everyone knows that I do awesome work. I said "ok... but did we get those guys?" He laughed and said we will... I don't care much for praises but it would mean something if it produce results.

 

I still have to go to a Knitting group tonight ... I havent been knitting at all and sort of forgotten how to do the American pattern knit. Whatever it's called. But I am so worried about my cover letters not looking great and getting rejected because so far, 100 applications has come in for the job vacancy *sighs* .... I need to go for a work out.

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.12

 

Okay thought I jot some things down... and post my letter to Tommy I wrote (the week I 'broke it off' with him) after the advice of my good shrink.

 

1) I hate Valentines Day ... why do people feel the need for a national holiday to express their love?

2) I am worn out from my OKC inbox... I just can't handle the emails and following up any more so I am taking a few days off from it

3) I hate looking for roommates... I might just live on my own and get a dog!

4) I don;t like people cancelling last minute... My knitting teacher cancelled last minute and it made me angry at her. Not because I really wanted to knit but why do you cancel on others last minute without any explanation? That's rude...

 

I was going to initially send the letter to Tommy but I thought it would be imprudent because this was supposed to be for my shrink. Now I don;t think it really mattered but I won't send it to Tommy... But I thought it would be therapeutic to post it since I am dating casually right now and might need to read it to remind myself that I need to work on me first and not hope for a 'savior' ....

 

Dear Tommy,

 

You asked what was wrong with me... I don't know how to tell you except that I am unusual person.

 

I was always an unusual girl... my solitary was hiding under my bed and being lost n my own thoughts and daydreams... At night, I would dream of myself singing and dancing in some faraway island on my own with million of stars dazzling in the skies.

 

I became so lost in my own imagination that it pushed me to a nomadic madness where no one could reach me. Instead of experiencing my first kiss or my first boyfriend like all my childhood friends I preferred wondering if there was a way for me to live somewhere faraway from people.

 

I resisted socializing and connecting ...expectations and dependency from others made me fatigue, my parents' were enough for me to handled. To get away from them I dreamed like a girl riding on the open road, free from expectations and free to experience everything that life had to offer, even if it was falling in love with the wrong man.

 

I am a failure at relationships and could care less what others think of me. I do however hold my own code of morals and principles close to my heart. They are the two things in my life that has sustain me. I believe in the kindness of people; I believe in hard work reaps rewards; I believe in the freedom of my country; I believe in making your life in to a work of art; and I believe in the power of karma. I know you and me have the same values when it comes to life and to love.

 

l will laugh, sing, dance, and talk with you, might even let myself care about you... but I know comforting you will not come natural and I might not be able to empathize with you or be an emotional support. If I ever say anything that sounds like I empathize with you most likely its because I know that's what should be said. I can go for days and not miss you or want to make love to you because there's a stone in my heart.

 

Can you break me down to who I used to be- the little girl who used to know how to cry for others? The girl who used to listen to soul music and actually felt the pain of the singer? The girl who would bring home stray dogs and cats? Can you melt my heart before you drive me away?

 

This isn't me though... It is not my nature to ask for help... Or be vulnerable. It is not my desire to give someone the daunting responsibility to make me normal when I cannot trust anyone. It is not my desire to be depended on too. But I know feeling like I don't want to be trusted isn't going to be helpful to you or anyone.

 

So you see... I need to work on me before I give someone my trust... I understand that codependency is part and parcel of a normal loving relationships and if I ever cross that line I do want my man to feel I am an emotionally and mentally strong woman who can be depended on for his own emotional happiness.

 

So you asked what is wrong with me... There is a lot but at least I can say I am doing something about it.

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.13

 

Mom's bday was yesterday and bought her cupcakes. Happy 65th, Mom

 

My roommate(s) search I think is getting better... people are actually returning my emails BUT I been thinking that I might just wait it out and see if I get one of the jobs I applied for first. I am going to assume they will do interviews this month and should know by the end of the month if I got it. I do have an appointment to check out a house tonight so I will still go and check it out, because three girls around my age live in the house and they all seem like fun and sweet people in their profiles.

 

So yesterday I went back to my OKC inbox after avoiding it for a couple of days. Returned some emails and the others one, read it and all I saw was "blah blah blah" ... I don't know ... either I am losing interest in dating because I am being overwhelmed or I just got lazy with casual dating.

 

So far I emailed 3 guys back and told them I would be willing to meet up with them this week. Only one, Jason, has given me his number... the other one, Ryan Gosling look alike has yet to respond to me- so like him, even in the movies he so elusive Another guy, Joe, has said he needs to check this week if he has any committed plans. I think Joe is in the Air Force- no wait, I forget who is in the Air Force

 

I am really excited to meet Jason, 30 yrs old, 6'1, going by pictures he's fit. He seems like my type physically and with a laidback attitude and works hard- goes to school at night, works full time and works as a bouncer on Saturdays. He msgs me to say hi every day and we chat... even when I said to him I am sorry I am not as keen as he is because I am pretty busy atm, he seems understanding. TBH, I'll prob be happy just to keep chatting with him and x out all the others, but I am trying to avoid the old mistakes I made when I started Online dating. I should give everyone i think might be compatible, funny, long-term oriented a chance.

 

My homework was to journal about the reasons why i think I keep waking up every night during the times I would get off the phone with Tommy (around 330am) for the past few weeks. For some reason I just cannot muster a sentence about y on paper or on here... f*** it. I rather just live and not breathe life in to his ghost.

 

Here's something funny my shrink told me before I left for vacation in January ... He said he was thinking about assigning me to a new dr because i gave him an xmas gift (a lanyards keychain because he lost his) but found me to be quite an interesting case as a schizoid. Said "no more gifts unless its th winning lottery ticket."

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.14

 

Got back from a good work out. Feeling the buuurn... Finally submitted my apps for the jobs- no more working on cover letters- yes!

 

Today was a busy day at work and it's been more busy than usual - think they just have more work for me to do which is great. Love projects so I can drown myself in them... I am a workaholic.

 

So saw my shrink today... Just talked about my goals- I told him so far I joined the knitting group and will join the Volunteer group. He asked me if I was aware that so far I've only done one thing from the list of my goals I wanted to accomplish? I said "You know I move in snail pace... Plus its sooo much work to get to know people." So of course he reminded me again (for the 100th times) why I came to get help and why it's crucial I start social networking so I can learn to establish relationships. He said "Christina, you are dating now. Don't you think you will be more attractive to a suitor if you have friends?" So then I told him it doesn't matter because I quit online dating. He asked if it was because I was getting Valentine's anxiety. I said No and gave him a rant about the evils of online dating and how my values were being compromised. He asked about Jason and I said I have yet to call Jason even tho he was the one I wanted to meet but I did some thinking and his messages were not funny, witty or clever. I said I like the banter sort of communication/dialogue between me and a guy I am in to- Jason and I don't have that. I think I will get bored of Jason and leave him hanging. He asked if that was it or maybe I was just afraid of getting rejected or being abandoned.. I said "no, it's ok to get rejected or if a guy fades out on me if I don't really know him. I just dont know any more if I want to be with someone..."

 

He asked if I did the journal writing for the Tommy's waking spells. I said No... I have not told my shrink that my journal is on here. I am thinking when I am done with my therapy then I will tell him and he can decide if he wants to come on here to read it. So if he does ever choose to come on here, HI Doc!!

 

Any way he asked why I don't want to be with anyone and was it because of my past with my exes? I said no. He asked if it was because I thought badly of men. No. He asked if it was because I was not over Tommy. No, I'm over him I said exasperated. He then asked again why I preferred to be single.... I said "its the same reason why u choose to be single." So he asked me why I thought he was single. I honestly do not know if he is single but i always had a hunch he was single (no ring and demeanor wise). So I listed the reasons y I think he is single - ok the reasons were more like me barraging him why he is single. That he is too stoic to care, probably thinks he is smarter than most ppl, prob doesnt think about sex, prob a hopeless romantic, etc. and he just sat there and listened without any expressions... he wrote a lot of notes down very intently... This is the 1st time that his jotting down notes piqued my curiosity. So I asked him what was he writing. He said 'i wrote that you will need to do your homework.' He laughed and said that going by our session tonight, I am not ready to date, not ready to move out and not willing to talk about my waking spells. He thinks the waking spells holds a lot of underlying answers behind my actions or lack of actions of late... He also thinks I should have already moved out now with roommates- he said big city, easy to find roomies but I dont want to move out so I flip-flop.

 

To him he said that it is one of the easy goals on the Treatment Plan but to me its hard... If i move out to be with others I know it'll be the catalyst of my transformation. its one thing to know your going to therapy but it's another thing to go thru with the treatment plan. Guess I am just scared of change....

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.15

 

Okay well I am exhausted from work and I haven't had the greatest time sleeping. I was unable to sleep so I messaged back the 15 unread messages on OKC - just to find that out that 75% of the guys were not my type at all. One guy, William, who is a Hawaain born in California emailed me and he seems like my cup of tea. He is also unavailable! Ding! Ding! So we have been sending each other messages and I told him I am not ready to seriously date and he said the same too. We agreed that we probably would be really good friends since we both like to write short stories and email them to each other. He lives an hour away and works in the lumber industry. He told me he really likes that I am interesting and funny to talk too. He also admitted to me that my city has a sad dating pool for men. I told him it was the same for the women, and we should both swim away together before we drown in it's misery.

 

I have been thinking about my last session with my shrink and I know my shrink is right in every sense. UGH I just get frustrated because I know unlike many people who have what I have, I know something is wrong with me and I can actually change most of my ways and become a normal person and learn how to be happy... A part of me doesn’t want to.

 

I already have a lot of things going for me and I still attract guys so I am not too down on my looks or my future. The only thing that bothers me is my present and the maladaptive behaviors I can't seem to break out of. I am always on the fence about everything and I mean everything. Sure I put myself first but first is just me being on the fence. "Should I eat carrots today or should I eat baby carrots?" to "Should I move in with the roommate with a bedroom and a private bathroom or the roommates with a bedroom and a personal entrance?... But wait- better to have 1 roommate or 2 roommates...?" I will go on for hours thinking about this.... and not really do anything about it.

 

I can't make up my mind and even when I do, I think back about it and feel like I messed up. That's why I decided to have that Pat Riley's quote so it reminds me that if I make a decision, invest in it by making the most of it. I paid my shrink to get better so I dont have to deal with another severe depressive episode and a meltdown from it. I just need to open my ears and listen, need to have the strength to talk it out and the strength to see objectively and openly. But most of all, I know I need to start taking initiative to make the changes.

 

My knees are starting to ache again…

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.16

 

So Saturday and Sunday I had two dates. So much for quitting. But I am sure after a failed weekened of subpar dates I am over it. Thought I give the two guys who been in contact with me since I started OKC a try.

 

Saturday Night I mustered the courage to text Jason, 35. It was raining so his idea was to stay inside and he asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie at his place (UH No)... I responded let's try somewhere else, like at a coffee shop near his place in downtown, just in case he was super cheap and that's why he suggested staying at his place. So after an hour, he responded "Fine." Not sure about the tone but honestly I didn't really care.

 

We met up and Jason was VERY attractive. I could tell he was one of those people who could pull off being hot and cute. Any way, he had already ordered coffee and so i ordered a cup of tea. He seemed very in to me smiling and lots of eye contact- made me a little uncomfortable because he was really goodlooking. He said I was really pretty and don't know why I choose not to have pictures on my profile. I said I am quite a private person and he said "but you won't attract anyone hot if you don't have pictures up except me of course." Haha.. Ok I said- true. But I think he was serious about the statement because he didn't laugh. Any way we spent 3 hours mostly him talking about how cool his job is as a Financial Analyst, how great he is so many things in life (hobbies) and how he was training for a triathlon. I kind of get the feeling this guy is very used to thinking highly of himself and wants the world to know too. So I listened and would give him small feedbacks and laugh to show that I was paying attention. Finally I told him that it was getting late but I was really tired from listening to him talk and not really asking me anything. So he said "ok... did i talk too much?" I said "Oh no... I'm just tired from a long Saturday." he then asked me if I wanted to come over to see his apartment because we have talked about moving out and so he just hired a personal interior designer for his new high rise condo. I was hesitant but then he asked almost pleading, so i laughed and said "Ok for 5 minutes since I need to drive you any way." (It was pouring still)...

 

When we got to his place, the air smelled like new furnace.... His place looked like a European bar lounge. He went straight to his wine cabinet, and I knew- UH oh... he poured me a cup of something and not being rude, I took it and pretended to take a sip. We took a quick tour and I said "nice view of the river" and he smiled. He said I should move in to the same building because there are some vacant condos and I laughed saying i would rather pay the same amount for a house because I want a backyard. He gave me a "why?" look. I explained that i want to have a big garden to grow all types of vegetables, joking that just in case one day there is a zombie apocalyse then at least I would know how to grow my own veggies. But when I was talking about this he was looking at me, lying on his weird shape couch smiling at me- almost inviting me to lay next to him. Wow, as hot as he is, I gave him a weird smile and said I had to leave because I was so tired. He looked disappointed but I am sure it wont be long- he's a guy with money and looks to make girls swoon at him but not me.

 

Any way, have not heard from Jason. Safe to say, I won't be hearing from him. Second date on sunday afternoon went out again with Markus. He contacted me last week Friday and asked how I was. Well, I guess i thought I give it a second chance because I did enjoy our date until he mentioned his baggage with his ex-wife. Any way we went out to get a bite to eat yesterday and it was raining still. So he asked me a lot of questions, if I was dating others on OKC and how long would I need to finally pick one to exclusively date, did i like him more than others, etc. I felt he was asking me without asking me directly if I wanted to date him exclusively (which the answer would be no)... I told him that I don't think I want to seriously date any more and he asked why. So I told him that I realized I need to work on me and I am actually a scaredly cat when it comes to commitment. He just laughed and said so is he & we can be scare together. I said "No... two commitment phobes in a relationship wont work out." He stopped smiling and thought about it. He asked if we can be friends then and I smiled and said yea We talked about his son and son's bday party. I think he is a great guy but I already know it won't work out because his baggage with his ex-wife. When I got home he had text me "Life is but a fleeting moment, you need to enjoy it a little."

 

I am not sure if I am making it obvious that I am not enjoying life... I dont really smile unless someone makes me smile and it's not hard to make me smile or laugh. I don't know... recently I just been feeling tired and burdened. I just been wanting to hide from the world but I keep telling myself if I ever go back to that dark corner, it will be a big setback to all the work I did to improve my self-esteem. I started knitting again and continuing my scarf project... but then I get sad from thinking too much about Tommy .....I am getting tired of it... I might start painting again. I like doing self-protraits, so I might do a new one... I was waiting to turn 30 to do a self-protrait but I think I might start on it now....

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.17

 

Ok I haven't been on much because busy with interviews and social life. Yes I am getting a social life; and yea I have actually attended 3 meetups since I last wrote on here; and yep I made new friends in the process.

 

Interviews first... don't think I did well in either- probably just ok. except written part- which I think i did well in both. I was so nervous tho that everything I practiced for during an interview, for some reason they escaped my mind and my tongue. *sighs* sometimes I just wish I was articulate and arrogant that i could sell myself. I am glad that it is over tho. Yesterday's interview was the hardest, and the panel were hard to read. I really needed a drink after. So I msg my new friend, Kary, I met from the meetup Volunteer group if she wanted to go for a drink after work because she lives in downtown. So we both met up and talked for 3 hours. I was so sad that I didn't even really drink too. She was probably like "ugh, this girl scks" Lol

 

Tommy text me yesterday night after to show me his new finished bedframe with drawers and also said "hope im not upsetting you texting you." I said "no not at all- its a beautiful piece." he made small talk with me texting but kept it friendly and short… I don't think we are talking again- I think it's more of just missing each other. I had butterflies when he text me- never thought i feel that again. But it confirmed that Tommy is what i said he was in Tues session with my shrink. My medicine -shoot me up thru the vine with it after a bad day and I'm happy and crazy.

 

Tuesday I apologized to my shrink for my behavior last session. I said I know I was projecting my insecurities on to him and did not mean to say any of those things to him. I have been so stressed about life and sad about Tommy. He said he knows and asked if I was ready to talk about my waking spells. I said I don’t have much to say about why I have waking spells- except my only theory is that I was hitting deep depression in October and by fate Tommy started to talk to me and he was like the medicine I’ve been needing. He was funny, smart, witty, interesting, endearing and offensive (lol). So even though I have therapy- my medicine was Tommy. So I do feel maybe my subconscious self is reminding me that I need to take my medicine so I keep waking up during the times I would get off the phone with Tommy.

 

My shrink said that was a good theory and asked me if that was the reason why I went to online dating, hoping to find that medicine. I said “no… I just needed distraction so I would not have to think about what I lost.” He asked me if I really lost Tommy since I didn’t have him to begin with… There was a long pause. I said I lost the medicine… but that’s why I know I have to fix myself without the medicines.

 

Before the session ended I asked my therapist of all the times I spoken to him about Tommy – does he think Tommy used me for an ego boost? My shrink said (paraphrasing) “you can never presume to know what the other person’s intentions or feelings are. He gave you lots of mixed signs but a person doesn’t talk to you everyday for 3 months for more than 4 hrs and not feel something real for you.” That made me happy… I knew that in the back of my head but it was nice to hear it come from someone else.

 

Tonight I am hanging out with kary and a bunch of girls from the Volunteer group for Single Women Night at someone's house and watching cheesy 80 movies. I love cheesy 80 movies!

 

3 of the guys I met on OKC have emailed me after I deactivated my acct asking what happened or hows life? And Charles (first date) even called and left me a vm- YIKES! I am still contemplating about sending an email to Jesus, 30 yrs old. He told me to email him and he's handsome BUT he doesn't seem like the emotionally available type too. HMM... I don;t know.

 

edit: Tommy just text me "happy valentines" :sentimental:

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.18

 

I've been painting and realized I tend to paint better when I am drinking... I dont know... I think I tend to be better at everything when I am drinking. Funny I hardly drink though.

 

So went to the Single Valentines Movie Night with a meetup group and it was fun- we watched the Mannequin & Footloose. Cheesy but fun movies. I think they really enjoyed all the horrid fashion I sarcastically pointed out in the movies. Yea, I'm pretty funny when it comes to critiquing fashion. So since it seem like they enjoyed me and I like them, thought I join them for two more events- Game Night this week and a Wine Tasting event in March.

 

Mike got ‘emotional’ with me again…. It’s so hard to read someone over chatting because I can’t really decipher their messages. But this time our talk was deep compare to our standard hows your day & you feeling better msgs. He said he hates that he knows he messed up and that’s why I went to Tommy. I said “no… Tommy and I started talking as friends. I didn’t think anything of it and I am sorry because I don’t feel the same way you do about me. I know that I always did care about you.” Then he said he missed how we would talk and he feels that we understand each other. I asked what he means and he said I know you hide a lot, I do that too. I didn’t answer… So he said “listen to a song for me. That’s how I feel about you.” So he told me the song and I looked it up and listened to it… It was Chromatics “Running up the hill”

 

After I listened to it I said it was a good song & mentioned that Kate Bush also wrote a Maxwell song- one of my favorites. He said he loves me and is bad with words but this was the song he felt I could listen and understand where he is coming from … I thought about it, it was really sweet. He knows I am in therapy…. I felt like I needed to tell him the truth so I told him I had to tell him something- I slept with Tommy and I don’t regret sleeping with him. Surprisingly he took it well. He asked if I have feelings for Tommy still and I said yes, I do. Then he said “Tommy doesn’t love you. I love you.” So I asked him “what do you love about me?” because yes, I find it hard to believe that we rarely exchanged flirt lines even tho we know each other for more than a year and he feels this attraction to me. He answered that he has feelings for me because of how funny I am and I don’t try to get needy with his attention. Hmm interesting… the same reasons why unavailable men like me too. I said “I don’t think you really know me and the fact that I still like Tommy…” He cuts me off and say “everyone knew I like you and I still love you even when you were dating Tommy and even now. Tommy would never do the same.”

 

It was too much for me to handle… So I said for him to let me think about it. He asked how long and I said “I don’t know. But to be honest, I am not someone he can count on because I need to work on myself.” He said he knows and understands. But he wants us to do it together. I thought that was sweet but I am not that type of person who needs help and ask for it. I admit that I always dreamed I would hear that from Tommy tho… not Mike

 

Mike is very handsome … He looks like the type of guys I always went for when I was younger- bad boy channing tatum replicates but unavailable. Now it’s like the universe decided to throw this guy who looks like my exes but he actually wanna settled down and actually loves me?

& Of course the universe decides to throw this on my lap right after I just had the most amazing connection with a guy (Tommy) who I can talk to for hours and we never found each other boring.

 

I don’t know if this makes me feel good or bad… I guess good because two attractive & great guys with great qualities still like me and one wants an actual bf-gf relationship. Then I feel bad because I know if I choose one of them, I will lose the other for good. I care about Mike and his feelings. I like Tommy and accept his baggage.

 

Why does finding love have to be so hard?

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.19

 

Well I didn't get the job Oh well... Good practice for interviews tho.

 

Tommy called me yesterday out of the blue after I got off work at 5. I picked up and we talked for hours again- until he came home at 1am. We were back to normal, arguing and laughing about inside jokes, and he even brought up our 'lil breakup'. He said he’s sorry we had sex… He didn’t intend that to happen especially since he told me he had commitment issues & his past using girls for sex. I told him it wasn’t his fault… I didn’t think we would meet again. he said he knows it was the spur of the moment and he said he made it worse because he wanted to date me after but might have made it look like he just wanted to use me as a bootycall. I said no.. that I felt I needed to go no contact because I like him more & didn’t think he was emotionally available. He said “really? So talking and sharing laughs with you til dark every day for hours is not being emotionally available? You think I do this with anyone. I don’t even do this with my best friend.” I said ‘yea, but it was 3 months in to that- things can change.” He answered “no. if I wasn’t interested, believe me I would have known a month in to it.” I asked what about dating and actually spending time together? He said he works 50 hours a week and his little girl is his spare time and only want someone he can fully trust and love to enter her life. He said he remembers getting attached to some of his parents’ bfs and gfs and it would hurt him when they left without a word. I said I understand… then he tells me he misses me and if I don’t mind, talk like usual and if we can, go on dates…. I said ok.. Reasons why 1) I miss him terribly sometimes, and 2) going on dates with guys fm OKC – I realize the connection with someone on an intellectual/emotional/mental/ physical level is the most rewarding relationship I have ever had, and it’s what I want. That’s the only way I feel that I can overcome my fear of settling down with someone.

 

But then after hours of talking on the phone, he then tells me he’s been working out and following a strict diet and workout regimen. I was surprised because Tommy is in great shape already. So I asked ‘um why are you doing all this?’ Then he said “well I didn’t wanna tell you but… I’m thinking about going back to boxing- like going pro.” So he goes in to details that he needs to work again on his stamina by doing lots of running and bla bla bla.. I finally answered “Ok…” He asked me does that change my mind about anything. I said no… I think its good to work for a goal or go back to what you used to love.

 

It does really mean that he has a tight schedule when he goes back to the gym and probably be tired to go on a date after. But honestly that doesn’t really bother me… I have extracurricular activities too and I want to keep up with the meetup group and friends Ive met on there. I also enjoy going to the gym so maybe it can be something we can do together if we ever can. He even seriously suggested we get matching phone headsets I am excited about Tommy again because I haven’t felt this strong about a guy since my first bf and that was when I was 23.

 

I’m trying not to overthink or overanalyze words and situations with him. And not let my own inherent fear of expectations, rejection and abandonment dictate how I feel in everything I do…

 

Umhad an ok session with my shrink on Tuesday, we just talked more about my goals and how making friends is becoming easier for me but I admitted to him that after these social events, I find myself really tired & want to 'close out.' He said that was common for some people after a social and I shouldn’t let that deter me from attending other socials I might be interested in. I am volunteering on Saturday and keeping my Saturday nights open just in case I might be interested in attending a social. He also thinks I need at least another 3 months with him before i complete my goals and learn to manage my disorder but i told him i think i might just need another month. He asked y and i said because i have a feeling the friends i made fm meetup will already b good friends going fm how theyve been to & around me also bc i dont think i need to move out anymore and learn how to coexist with others. He looked at me intently and said lets talk bout this nxt session.

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.20

 

Well this week I have been having a bad week and I felt myself going back to my dark corner. Then i talk to Tommy and things seem alright or bearable lol ... he ends up making me laugh endlessly at him. He's sarcastic, insulting and melodramatic, and playful that I forget about my worries. He really is my medicine.

 

A couple of days ago, Mike and I chatted after he told me he wanted to talk to me. I told him I was dating Tommy again. He was sad and asked me why and when I told him I still have feelings for Tommy, he gave me a sad face. He said he would wait for me if i asked him even though he did not want me to be with Tommy. I asked him why? after all this time he seems persistent and why didn't he say something before I met Tommy. He said he doesn't know. I told him I care a lot about him, which I do, but I have to be realistic too when it comes to relationships- Ive seen Tommy and Tommy lives 45mins away from me wheras he is in Texas and I am in California. Mike then said he knows but he knows he would try his best to make it work out between us because that's how much he wanted to be with me. I told him I couldn't give him what he is asking because I like Tommy a lot. there was a long pause and he said he knows, he just wants me to be happy and he hopes Tommy can make me happy. I said thanks and another long pause... he said "I didnt think you hurt me again but its just that i love you." I honestly don't think Mike is making up this feeling of love for me any more. I thought maybe he cares for me like I care for him but knowing him- smart, goodlooking and quiet, i dont think he would use the L word if he does not mean it.

 

If anything... I think Mike and I have an unspoken understanding because we both are reclusive people and have some mental unbalance. he empathize with me without saying much but always caring... Sometimes I try to tell Tommy things but I feel like he doesnt get it, so he changes the subject. But Tommy can make me laugh without trying... Mike is a man of a few words so he is someone that is better in person. However, I am kind of glad Mike is not nearby because I would have a harder time choosing between the two.

 

I am looking at roommates again... yesterday's session with my shrink he pointed out key components to my depression. One of them was the wear and tear I got living on my own. He asked me when Tommy reentered my life, I revisted the option of not moving out again. He said I am subconsciously using Tommy as the excuse not to co-live with others every time because I am still hoping for a man to enrich my life instead of cultivating a social life. I don't think theres anything bad wanting someone to enrich your life but the way my shrink put it, I don't like it. I don't really need a savior but at the same time, I guess my decision-making about moving with roommates does seem to be dictated by Tommy's presence in my life. The thing is me and Tommy are just dating exclusively but its not in the serious phase yet. So I could move out with roommates and rent out a room month to month basis for the time being. It's just hard. But i told my shrink so far I've been keeping up with my commitments on meetup groups, called my old bff from high school again, and even planned out a hiking trip with my sisters and brothers. I am taking initiative to reinforce relationship bonds. however at the end of the day all I really do care about is that good medicine

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.21

 

Okay I haven't had a chance to gather my thoughts in jot down things on here. So trying to do this at work hehe

 

1) therapy going good. I told my therapist I been feeling a lot more relaxed & happy when I am on my own because I have so many things to preoccupy my mind with- I paint, I been writing creative short stories, I knit, i go to the gym a lot, I talked to my sisters and new (2) friends on the phone and guess what? I gossip with them so now I am officially a Girls' Girl. Not that i care for gossip but i admit most of them gossipping with me is because i've been asking followup questions- i never really did that before but i caught that tool from my shrink ha!

 

2) Thinking about gardening because i've done it in the past but now with all my activities, I am afraid i dont have time to take good care of it. I love to grow herbs and they can be very water intensive plants and when they don't grow I get upset and disappointed in myself. last year a lot of my herbs didnt grow because i didnt water them enough and i felt like a failure. I'm thinking about it....

 

3) Things between me and Tommy are over but not officially... after a couple of dates and then he said he was still unsure because "by now i would have felt love for you." I said ok... Then he still wanted to date me and still wanted to try. I said ok... Then he said "honestly, i dont know what i want." I said ok.... I didn't felt anything. I thought i would be upset but i wasnt. I think it was because a part of me knew all along he was a broken record and i knew he was not in the mindset for a relationship. Also Tommy was so insecure I was like "OMG! you are like a girl!" If I want to make love i want the other person to make me feel sexy and not worry about how he looks or if im thinking he is not as goodlooking as my exes. Geez... My last ex treated me bad but sex was mindblowing with him and thats the only thing i miss about my ex.

 

5) Speaking of my last ex, he's been getting worst with calls and texts that i now had to block him. I'm afraid with him being a cop too he will do something stupid. I don't want to have to get a restraining order but I am willing if i think he doesn't get it that i want nothing to do with him. I kind of blame myself for not blocking him before. My ego felt so much gratification from him texting me to say hi and me ignoring him.

 

5) I decided to give me and Mike a chance. It's going to be a LDR and right now I am ok with that because I just want to take things slowly after me and tommy didnt pan out. Mike is similiar to Tommy in a lot of ways but he is very different in a lot of ways. first Mike is 7 yrs older than tommy (mid 30), quiet, has his stuff together, wants to settled down & have a family, tempermental, believes he loves me , and has a quirky sense of humor. Not to mention that he is easy on the eye so it makes it easy for me give him a chance Similiar traits... they are both deep thinkers, both smart, both passionate about certain morals, and big music lovers.

 

Mike & I talked two weeks ago and I was finally honest with him that i never had any romantic feelings for him because I thought he just needed someone to talk to and I felt like a friend to him, plus we can relate with each other but I wasn't in the mindset of a relationship, particularly inclined to have a long distance relationship. He said he knows and it was his fault because he didn't pursue me or try to show me consistently he was interested. I also told him I care for him but sometimes i felt like he didnt care or wasnt serious about me to call or asked about meeting up. esp after our skype, he didnt want to skype me any more and i felt like i wasnt pretty enough for him so i was like whatever, we could still be friends. he tells me it's not that and that he just hate talking on the phone or on a screen. he prefers face to face or chatting online while playing our game. so this is where he brings up about us playing on the game again. i say no i will not go back to that stupid game, and he says but everyone misses you (he means our old friends). I get mad and say i hope this isnt why you want to date me is so i can go back to that stupid game. He gets sad and says "no i just miss us. how the way we were. especially on that game, we talked and laughed a lot, laughed with others. i miss when i couldnt sleep and you couldnt sleep, we would get on and see each other and it made me really happy."

 

I admit it made my heart melt because those were tough times for me when my depression was really bad and I couldnt sleep & I actually cried because I realized how far I've come... I told him that was then, and now I don’t have sleepless nights. He said he doesn’t too - mostly because his work hours are so long. He said i didnt have to come back but it would be nice for us to bond over something we both enjoyed doing together. I thought that was sweet so I said I'll think about it.

 

So yea, a week ago I reinstalled the game and started playing again with Mike and all my old friends were excited to see me and vice versa. I miss the people, not the game. I hardly play that much because I have other hobbies now too and being that game can be so time consuming. So Mike texts me every day if I want to talk or go to the game to chat, which i think is so considerate. He also brought up about meeting up this year and wanted to know when are good times for me this year. I told him we will meet but I wanted to take it slow and see how things go between us first before we discuss about meeting up. He said okay he understand because his work schedule is crazy and just wanted to make sure he ask for time off before we set any dates. So far so good… I want to see how things are before we start buying air flight tickets.

 

Other then that, im just trying to enjoy my life. I also moved out and rented a room with two ladies around my age but they are both hardly home. So yea I’ve completed my goal list for therapy and looking close to exit out of therapy 

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.22

 

Well finally went out to get croissants & coffee with my roommates last weekend and have a nice chat with them. We talked at the cafe for more than three hours and i realized they are both very chatty. They are definitely extroverts and after being with them the whole morning, I wanted to crash when I got home and just sleep. They are sweet. One of the girls, the younger one, is very bubbly and sweet but have a lot of personal issues which she told us about. The other one, older than both of us, is bi and a self-described "conservative oddball"... whatever that means. She is really generous tho, always asks us if we would like a glass of wine with her around 8pm after dinner. i told Mike, and he made a joke that I should be careful because she probably rufie the drinks, haha. I did have a glass with her the other night after I've sworn to sobriety a month ago, but a glass with a new roommate wouldn't hurt. Plus i told her I didn't like to drink that much so hopefully she doesn't ask as much. She has a dog, annoying little pest, but other than that I'm fond of them so far.

 

Tommy and I talked the other day and I told him I was dating Mike now. He seemed a little bothered but I think he was just bothered that I found someone new already and he happens to know (of) Mike. He asked me how would me and Mike make it work out because of the distance and then he cuts me off and he said 'tbh, i don't believe in internet dating.'

I said I know but at least Mike knows what he wants.

Tommy said "how can you both be sure if you guys havent met?"

I said "well, even if you meet, it doesn't mean you always know. it just helps. plus you have to establish a bond and invest in someone regularly for the relationship to grow... and no that doesn't mean you have to see them face to face all the time for you to put effort in it."

Tommy agreed and say "yea, i guess im too distant and selfish right now to do that with anyone. but i still think you need to see someone for it to work."

So I told him Mike has asked to meet up. He said "oh wow... Ok. Good luck." i don't know if he was being sarcastic or genuine but I think his reaction is more of a ego because our last couple of dates he didnt seem interested (lukewarm). But I did find out that he and his roommates been having problems and he finally decided to just leave and so now he is staying at his brother's place but paying rent until his lease is over. I asked him why he wasn't getting along with his roommates and he said he just got tired of being push in the middle when they are fighting over mess and having visitors overstay. He told me the girl roommate used him once to make the other guy roommate jealous too so he didn't want that because he didn;t like her at all. Any way, he knows we aren't dating any more and so we are on the same page. I wouldn't care if we ever talk again. I had a great first date with him and maybe I'll miss him rambling but I look back and this is what I really didn't like about Tommy... he is so darn conflict-oriented. I don't know if he attracts conflict or if he is attracted to it, but yea something - i felt like he always had to insert a conflict and sometimes I felt like it was a self manufactured conflict. I guess I could write a list of it but I think I'll save that for another time.

 

Being back on the game, my friends are happy to talk to me again and I even called one of them. She lives in Ontario Canada and she said "I love Tommy but I always believed you were a better match with Mike. Plus when you quit the game, he was sad for a long time." & she's not the only one who has told me this. I think he always asked for me when he logged on and he's quiet but a great killer on the game, people like him and just wanted to see him happy. I find myself complaining sometimes about people on the game to him and unlike Tommy who would agree how lame people are, Mike would listen and say "it's minor dear.. it'll be okay." So yes, I like Mike's approach... wheras Tommy would ber crucifying people with me haha. He calms me down. I am starting to play the game a lot more now because I want to have better kill ratios but also because I love the people on there. Lots of characters

 

Told my shrink that I am anticipating to end my therapy by mid April and he asked me if I was confident in my decision. I said "yes i am." So he smiled and said he supports my decision and will always be here if I need to see him. I almost felt like hugging him, like he has been such a great friend but of course I know I can't do that because that would violate some therapy rule.

 

Lately I have been feeling so good that I don't lay in bed for hours contemplating about getting up. I just get up and go to the gym. Or get up and enjoy my cup of coffee and read the news online. I am content as of now and I am looking forward to every day. I don't feel a heavy burden on me like I used to but at the same time, I am still wanting so badly to get a new job. That's really all I want atm.

[chr8st8na]

Journal 1.23

 

Have been super busy to collect my thoughts and to post them on here. So Im going to give it a shot.

 

A month has gone by with no therapy. Funny thing is I don't wonder about my well-being without therapy, I wonder how my shrink is doing. I guess that’s a good sign that I think about him than about myself. I was worried that a month without therapy I might get therapy withdrawals but I’ve been fine without it due to my ongoing affairs of finding a new job and tons of family functions.

 

My sleep has been aok, can’t really complain. Been stressed with finding a new job, fixing up cover letters, practicing interview ques. I am going hardcore now in to the job hunt but at the same time it’s starting to take its toll. I feel unwanted and I am starting to wonder what's wrong with me.

 

Last interview, I just couldn’t get up after they called me in. my knees felt so heavy like all of a sudden both my knees were huge boulders. I gave myself a minute to breathe and luckily they didn’t check to see what was wrong with me. I walked in, looking like i was doing a soldier march, and praying they wouldn’t ask wth was wrong with me haha. I think it was the effect of repeated rejection that I started questioning why was I even at these interviews- like am I wasting my time? Luckily I was able to regain my composure and did well in my interview. However next day I got the rejection letter My coworker said “wow they must have wanted to refill that vacancy quickly.” Yea … Any way, I guess like all the other interviews, it was good practice...I guess.

 

I get random texts from guys I went on a date thru OKC and one from Tommy. Haven’t talked to Tommy for about a month. His text was at least different from the others standard “what are you up to?”or “sup” lol.. his said “I miss you” … I guess I could have responded to any of these texts but what’s the point?

 

“It sometimes happens that a woman is handsomer at twenty-nine than she was ten years before” – Jane Austen

 

I saw this quote on the web and I realize I seem to attract a lot more men now, esp almost in my 30. When I was younger I didn’t have a problem getting dates or finding someone to like me. However now, I realize that more men are attracted to me than ever before. Not sure why. I have a funny theory tho. My theory is that when you don’t care, you attract more. Haha. When I was younger in college, I really cared about going on dates- it was my only source to be 'normal'... Now I don't care as much about dating because in all honesty, I just don't have the resilency to go thru the trouble. Plus atm I am dating Mike LDR and if he knew i was dating, he would be very upset.

 

I still haven't told any of my friends and family about Mike because I am a lil embarrassed about it. Having a LDR with someone I never met - well, they would be wondering why? How? What am I thinking? We planned out when we will meet (later in the year) and he wants to vist me. As quiet as he is, which is sad because his voice is so deep and sexy, he doesn't hold back from letting me know how he feels- we have gotten in to a few fights over his anger stemming from lack of trust. he tells me he doesnt want to lose me again but i know he has always been like that with me. I know people will say this is a red flag but i always like being wanted even if it was jealousy or possessive traits of the men i dated.

 

recently he opened up on his about his family drama because of mother day and told me his mom died on his bday. i could tell he was uncomfortable. sad story behind it with his involvement in it but i'll refrain from putting it on here because it's a lil too specific for my comfort. now i understand why he overworks, & drinks himself drunk on holidays.

 

Any way, i think the only red flag i know about Mike is that he possibly might be a high functional alcoholic. Of course idk because Im not there seeing what he is drinking or looking at his intake. I care a lot about him but I know with Mike, there's more to be seen...

 

Just got another call for an interview. Well at least I am doing something right on these cover letters.