Seraphim Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 [video=youtube_share;_2hXBf1DakE] ] I am no longer "she's not there." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 link removed People with chronic PTSD often have chronic pain which exacerbates their PTSD and exacerbates their pain . They also have very high pain thresholds compared to most people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 [video=youtube_share;7frOWBiU8D4] ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 I'm resentful that I will have this for life ,yes ,resentful. I get so tired of fighting this inside war. Even though my symptoms are very reduced compared to the past it is still an inside fight every .single .day. And I friggin hate it. And I don't want it anymore. And some days I just want to end it. That's not a constant thought anymore but I surprised myself the other day when it popped up again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 [video=youtube_share;8vtjt8Ns-cM] ] My every night for almost 35 years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 19, 2015 Author Share Posted September 19, 2015 For darkness restores what light cannot repair. Joseph Brodsky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 19, 2015 Author Share Posted September 19, 2015 It took me years to be the woman my mother raised. And I didn't know where I was going until I got there. Thank you thank you for everything my life taught me and everything I couldn't yet know. I knew only that I didn't have to reach with my bare hands anymore. My life like all lives mysterious , irrevocable, and sacred. So very close. So very present. So very belonging to me. ~~~~ Cheryl Strayed The movie , Wild Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 20, 2015 Author Share Posted September 20, 2015 link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 [video=youtube_share;KNM5g2ARGyY] ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Yesterday we were in McDonald's just having a quick lunch. My eyes were drawn to this couple behind us and their kids it was obvious that they were having some kind of birthday party. The kids had gone off to the playland and I saw the man spitting pop at his wife through a straw. She asked him to stop because it was getting on her coat ,her face and in her hair and he kept doing it. And he was smiling and laughing while doing it. Immediately I thought oh crap he's gaslighting her and enjoying it. And sure enough he kept spitting pop at her and she mouthed to him you're an effing Ahole . And she gave him a little shove and he shoved her back. I could feel my agitation rising I was watching my parents all over again except that my mother never shoved or hit or anything like that. I watched them further arguing and him gaslighting her and laughing about it and then her shove him and him shove her. And then at one point she walked away from him to go into the Playland and he followed her and continued to gaslight her. For long her and most of the kids were crying not including the kids that weren't theirs but were there for the birthday party. We had to leave I couldn't stand it. I just wanted to punch his stupid smug face right into the floor. Yeah great birthday and birthday memories you gave everybody, dad ,you stupid pinhead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 My son always tells me mom you are just the sweetest most sensitive person in the world. You trying take on the world's pain and it just engulfs you sometimes. And at other times you're Mr. tough guy. You can have a really tough persona where you're just ready to get in somebody's face. ( not said to my son of course )That tough persona means that I'm scared. It means I'm gonna take you out before you take me out. So that tough girl is really a cover for a girl that is scared. If I puff up like a puffer fish maybe you'll back off. That's the psychology behind the tough girl. Because if I wasn't tough people would've taken me out long ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 I will always usually retreat though. When I feel threatened I will try it and retreat. After the initial tough girl expression I will usually try and back away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 I'm having really bad disassociation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 The anxiety was so bad last night I wanted to end it ,in a permanent way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 Tonight I was working with two social workers. One had been a domestic violence social worker for 15 years. And she had done victims support as well. Anyway, it was so so so good to talk to them. They helped me to see something in a new way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 [video=youtube_share;4tcXblWojdM] ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 8, 2016 Author Share Posted March 8, 2016 ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 Replace sister with niece and you get how vicious my uncle was. And replace son with brother. And replace adult woman with child.[video=youtube_share;qUcMohewjvI] He really was that vicious. I was told he would kill my brother and my dad and my mother. And he would fake being heart broken. Funny, I have no emotion about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 9, 2016 Author Share Posted July 9, 2016 ] I puff up when I feel challenged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 15, 2016 Author Share Posted July 15, 2016 [video=youtube_share;lP_llect3fI] ] Musical version of my PTSD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 I took a walk around the world To ease my troubled mind I left my body lying somewhere In the sands of time But I watched the world float To the dark side of the moon I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah I watched the world float To the dark side of the moon After all I knew it had to be Something to do with you I really don’t mind what happens now and then As long as you’ll be my friend at the end If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman If I’m alive and well, will you be There a-holding my hand I’ll keep you by my side With my superhuman might Kryptonite You called me strong, you called me weak, But still your secrets I will keep You took for granted all the times I never let you down You stumbled in and bumped your head, If not for me then you'd be dead I picked you up and put you back on solid ground If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman If I’m alive and well, Will you be there a-holding my hand I’ll keep you by my side With my superhuman might Kryptonite If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman If I’m alive and well, will you be there Holding my hand I’ll keep you by my side With my superhuman might Kryptonite Yeah!! If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman If I'm alive and well, Will you be there a-holding my hand I'll keep you by my side With my superhuman might Kryptonite Oh, whoa, whoa Oh, whoa, whoa Oh, whoa, whoa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 I want to smack the crap out of some people. Agression is pretty high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 I'm having some delayed reaction from last night . I just burst out into tears for apparently no reason . And my first impulse last night was to slap the crap out of that guy . But I thought no ,I can't do that to little kids . Count to 10 ,L count to 10 and walk away . I successfully did that and I was able to keep very even keel . But today I just want to slap the shute out of everybody . I'm actually shaking I'm so angry . I guess it's good that I don't work today . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 And somebody was even crowding me in a store the other day and I immediately became enraged . I had to leave the store because it was so annoying . I hate PTSD. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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