jsh Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I've been carrying a lot of guilt (more than usual) over my mom. My parents divorced about 9 years ago, and I've been estranged from my dad since I was 18. My mom has given up so much for the family and has struggled to keep our finances afloat, while my dad only seemed to care about himself. I am 30 years old now, and helping my mom out financially. I bought a home 6 months ago (which I never moved into), but had to rent it out because my mom got laid off, had to get serious eye surgery, and eventually needs a new car within the next year. I have a high-paying job, and without my help, I don't know what kind of state my mom would be. Taking care of her while she's in recovery has be made me realize how much she relies on me more than ever. It is getting the point where I feel guilty going out for a couple of hours with friends because my mom doesn't get to enjoy life like she should. I feel as though I have to make up for being such a bad daughter at times, saying mean things that I don't mean out of anger from my dad abandoning the family when we needed his help at a difficult time. I recently developed anxiety and fear for my mom dying everyday, and sometimes my brother. I was prescribed a low dosage of Xanax that helps sometimes. I was also diagnosed with depression and was given Zoloft, but that made me feel dead inside. Plus I do not like taking medication unless I desperately need it, and my depression (if I do have it) never stopped me from doing the tasks that I needed to get done. I am fortunate to have a good job that pays well because I don't know where my family would be if I wasn't able to help out, however, I don't know if this guilt will ever go away. Sometimes, I don't think I'll ever be happy and guilt-free until I know my mom is financially stable and happy. I want to give her everything since she had to give up so much. Does anyone else deal with this, and how do you cope? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hi jsh, have you tried therapy? I think it would be helpful. I understand that you love your mum, but it sounds to me like you are taking on a disproportionate amount of responsibility for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jsh Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hi agent, I have spoke to a therapist/psychiatrist once, but the exercises she gave me didn't help too much and she kept pushing anti-depressant medication on me as well. My general doctor put me on xanax and another psychiatrist put me on zoloft (which I no longer take because it gave me high blood pressure on top of feeling dead inside), but it only helped me avoid my emotions instead of dealing with it. I have thought about looking for another therapist, however, I haven't had the time due to my work and school schedule. I guess I'm also reluctant because I'm not sure how talking to a therapist could make the feeling of guilt go away, when I know where it is stemming from. Have you tried therapy and how did it help you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I think some counselling could do you some good, so you can work on 'accepting' all that is. That you can only do so much.. for your mother & yourself, that you are only human and you're trying & that's good. Everyone's life story is different and sadly, at this time you're having to deal with some issues with your mother. You are doing a great amount of good for her and i know she's appreciating all. You may benefit from counselling with the fact you are doing so well and should also realize you need to have your own time away and not feel guilt for this. As long as mom is happy enough then do it.. get out for a bit. Nothing's wrong with that. And especially good for stress release. We all need a break from things like this. There could also be some assistance out there to help you out, like a PSW- community organizations etc? Other things or people that could also give you some 'relief'. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jsh Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 Thanks SooSad33. Your words, "Everyone's life story is different," made me realize things could be worse and I'm lucky for what I have. I think I do have trouble accepting things that are out of my control, when I feel as though I make the "right" decisions and things outside of my control changes the expected outcome. As you and agent have suggested, I'll put more effort into therapy and give it another go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laninaperdida Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I deal with the exact same thing, but what makes it worse is that I'm not as successful as you are (yet, I hope) that I *can't* pay her back or take care of her the way I want to & the way I feel se deserves. What makes it even more worse is that my brother is seriously mentally ill so when my much older mother dies it's my duty to take care of him & let me tell you I'll have a panic attack or the situation. (Sounds morbid, but I actually have a fear of her dying because she's sick as well.) What if she dies before I'm ready to take over? What if what I'm only able to give her is either not what she wants or good enough? I think those feelings are normal... These women did a lot of us! However, I don't feel guilty about leaving the house. I actually *try* to leave the house just so she can get some respite from me, lol. The way I view your situation is that you are doing very well & I don't think you need to be as consumed with taking care of her as you are. I think you're doing enough, I'm actually seeing you as a bit of a mentor! I hope I get to your level. So... go easier on yourself, Also, take the above advice & look into community programs available just don't force them on her. (My mother would hate beyong hate anything like that, lol.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jsh Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hi laninaperdida, I'm sorry to hear about your brother and mother not doing well. My friend's brother is mentally ill as well and I see how her family is adjusting with it. She has the same fear when her parents pass away, she will have to take care of him. She is also constantly worried if he will become violent since he has started to have his "episodes" more and more often. She deals with it like you do by continuing her life the best she can because there's not much she can do for her brother, but try to be there for him when he asks for it. She can't force him to take his medication or make him for to the doctors because hes an adult and the court will not grant his parents guardianship. Your post gave me a sense you are a happy person despite the obstacles you are going through, which made me feel better I'm sure you will be successful. I'm not sure what your situation is, but continuing my education and being a workaholic, allowed me to get to where I am. Its exhausting to go to work and school at the same time, but its do-able and pays off in the end. I left for a few hours to meet up with friends before and it does provide some stress relief. I may feel less guilty the more I do it. As for the community programs, I'll look into that for her. Like your mom, she would hate it if I forced it on her haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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