kmkpink Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I am 22. I started dating my boyfriend last February (2013). He is 30. He is my first boyfriend. Throughout our relationship I have never directly inquired about his past relationships; he was a relationship guy I was a single girl. I don't need or want to hear about how he thought he was in love or think about him sleeping with other people. He is currently attending grad school for his PHD in Evolutionary Science; when he first started in 2008 or '09, he was also teaching high school. He had told me (I never inquired it was all just part of a story he was telling me) that he was never going to complete this graduate program if he was still teaching as well so he left. Now....today I snooped; I live with him, he has always told me to feel free to snoop and it isn't snooping it's just being bored. BUT I did go on his computer and went to his saved messages. When we first started dating we used to email several times a day because I was 2 hrs away and couldn't see him all the time so I was just looking if he kept them and he has. But There were also messages from 2009 when he was still a teacher, from a girl named Lydia. So I read them because the opening line said darling. Turns out it was a student of his and they were dating. So.... I don't know how I feel about that but I've been reasoning with myself and although it wasn't appropriate for his job I also can't be mad because I am 8 yrs his younger. What I don't like is that I know the real reason he stopped teaching; another student, began liking him and he is a nice guy to everyone and she took it the wrong way and kissed him in his classroom and someone happened to walk in at that moment (he also lied to his gf about this and told her it was just the angle and looked like they were kissing....ANYWAY). And this is why I am upset; I didn't ask why he stopped teaching but he lied. He wasn't in an uncomfortable situation. I didn't know he was teaching when he started his grad program and I didn't need to know that. It's not something I'd find out and even if it was what would my reaction have been? Oh how dare you not tell me you were teaching and taking classes at the same time! No... I would have said. 'Oh.' I've never lied to him. And I'm not sure if I should be this bothered about it. Being honest, I am a relationship novice. I love him; that's what I know. But I am also bothered that he doesn't share his past openly. I know three of his past gf's names because of his facebook pictures. One of his friends once called me one of their names and he didn't say anything to me later but I knew that's what happened. Should I be so affected by this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Because he fabricated his past to you. Are you going to tell him you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zentoCC Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 As far as lies go I wouldn't say this was a bad one as it doesn't have much to do with your relationship. It's a mistake he made and he's probably bothered by it and assumed you would be too. It's up to you whether you tell him you saw it or not. Just make sure you don't sound to accusing or he may get defensive and you'll end up arguing or he may laugh it off I don't know him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I would be uncomfortable. Not because he lied, but because he a) was dating a student at the school he was teaching at (illegal) and b) that he kissed another one. (i don't believe what he was telling the student he was dating, or that he was just such a nice guy she took it the wrong way) That's some pretty bad behaviour. i'm kind of glad he's out of that environment. He lied about it because he knows that it's not a good thing for people to know about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shellyf62 Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 What he did was highly inappropriate & I wonder if he left because he was about to be sacked? He obviously has a thing for much younger women. I would not be comfortable dating him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I would very much presume he was fired as that's illegal--period. There's no "wrong angle"...not to mention he was dating yet another student when this happened...?? Its not only illegal, its immoral. Students are young, vulnerable and often ones who would have an affair with an adult is seeking adult attention for disheartening reasons....to take advantage of that is beyond the pale. I personally would lose all respect and attraction to him but I'm much older than you and a teacher myself besides so it does not sit anywhere near my own values and morals. If you are willing to admit you looked at his email (which he gave you permission to do) then you can certainly have a conversation about it. For me there's nothing he could say that would make it okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Dating a student that you are teaching isn't illegal at the college level. It might get you fired (depending on the school) and he isn't a professor he is a grad student and there is often a completely different set of rules for that. It's almost always frowned upon. But he might have been telling the truth all the nonsense might not have been the reason why he stopped teaching, finishing a PhD is insane amounts of work and I think it would be fairly normal to set aside teaching to finish a degree like that. Also I would like to remind people that in 2009 the guy was 25. The people he was teaching were in a normal dating range. It sounds like he might have lied to a past girlfriend about a tricky situation. If your worried about it talk to him. He invited you to look through his stuff. Tell him you found this and are wondering about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 A rosephase - he was teaching High School not College. IMO, either he was fired, or "asked" to leave, which is essentially the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 A rosephase - he was teaching High School not College. IMO, either he was fired, or "asked" to leave, which is essentially the same thing. ah... missed that part. Yeah, that is pretty messed up and illegal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I'm not sure if it really matters? It is part of his past now. Not like he messed around on you. He probably has not said anything about that because he could be ashamed of it? Wants to leave that part of his past alone now? Kinda like how many 'other's they had before us. It's the past, do you think this matters at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 A high school teacher dating underage students is illegal, immoral and it can ruin a young girl or boy's life forever leading to depression, suicide and a boy or girl becoming very confused about what a normal relationship is. Sorry no pass here for the guy on that basis alone. He doesn't want to tell you about it, because frankly if the girls were under 18 then he's a sex offender who has something for illegally-aged kids. And he knows this. And yes they are still kids at that age, I don't give a crap who says what about it. I'd be running for the door right about now. Anyone in a position of authority who uses it to take sexual advantage of others who are vulnerable either through age or disability is a predator that should be spending time in jail and then never allowed to go near any field where they can have access to people again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 So I read them because the opening line said darling. Turns out it was a student of his and they were dating. So.... I don't know how I feel about that but I've been reasoning with myself and although it wasn't appropriate for his job I also can't be mad because I am 8 yrs his younger. Sure you can! You allowed to have whatever standards you like. And you can adjust them any time you want too! I don't think him 'dating' (I wouldn't call that dating, I would call that him taking advantage of and being a creeper) a girl in his class is even comparable to him dating you. First of all, she wasn't even legally an adult - whereas you are. Second, the teacher-student relationship. I think what he did was reprehensible and speaks to some deep character issues, and frankly, I wouldn't want anything to do with a person like that. That's rotten and nasty. It's obvious he hid it because he knows it looks bad and people won't approve. And he probably was on his way or was sacked from that job - his screwing around with students becoming a bit too obvious and people were catching on . He's your first boyfriend, and honestly, I think if you stay with him - every day you stay with him - you are hurting yourself and your vision of what is / is not a normal relationship is going to get more and more skewed. You even said yourself "I am rationalizing this....". Stop right there! Don't. It can be really hard to look at the facts ,and deal with stuff you rather not know. You even mentioned "I didn't want to know and didn't ask about anything to do with his past relationships, because I don't want to think about that". Please don't stick your head in the sand just cause you have feelings for him and are attached. I 100% think you should dump him. And then just date...and take lessons from this one...maybe you moved in too fast. Maybe you were too afraid to hear and so didn't see what was in front of you with him. Maybe it's not so bad to ask some questions and know some things about a person's past relationships - I happen to think it's essential knowledge if I'm going to commit myself to somebody! I'm talking knowing the basic outlines of past relationships. You don't need to hear the gory details, but basic facts like - oh yeah, I've 'dated' underage girls. And maybe you need to re evaluate why you yourself were drawn to someone so much older than you too. With so much more experience, and yet he is your first? I do think this guy gets off on targeting young and naive girls and women. So time to really ask yourself - you gonna be one of them? You'd be naive to imagine you can have a normal relationship with a dude like this. My opinion. And that's pretty much what he trades in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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